by Nikki Rashan
“Let me make sure I have this clear. Your friends, who are also both of your exes, have broken up with each other. Kyla, in consoling Angie throughout the breakup, has developed feelings for Angie. Now what?”
“Well, I did something I’m not sure I should have done. I told Kyla she should explore her feelings for Angie.”
“Why did you say that?”
“For a couple reasons. One, I was really upset, even though I didn’t let her see it. Two, I really don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know if she wants to be with me. I love her. Of course I do. But am I supposed to chase after someone whose heart is betraying us?”
“You’ve been together so long, Asia. Every relationship has its trial. From what I understand, it’s been pretty smooth between you two until now, right? If I were you, I wouldn’t make any drastic moves or go putting her out of the bed just yet.”
I was quiet.
“You did that already, didn’t you?” She chuckled.
I laughed sadly. “I did. But I went downstairs a little while ago to talk to her, and guess what? She was on the phone with Angie. Can you believe that shit?”
“Damn, okay. Still. Wait it out. Just wait it out. In the big scheme of things, she hasn’t actually crossed any lines with Angie, right? Well, not recently, correct?”
“No, it doesn’t seem that she has.”
“Give it some time. I know it doesn’t feel good to know she’s confused about some other chick right now, but I don’t think this is worth trashing your relationship over. She’ll realize that too.”
I wanted to trust Melanie’s words and accept the confidence she placed in Kyla. Melanie wasn’t aware of the details of Kyla’s promiscuous past, other than what I had shared about Kyla and Angie. I wanted Melanie and Jovanna to like Kyla for the person she had become, not the person she was back then. Now I questioned if she had ever really changed.
“I’m mad at her, Melanie.”
“You have every right to be,” she replied. “Still, all these years of trust can’t be shot down by one fleeting emotion.”
“Is it really fleeting? I don’t think she would have said anything if she thought it would just pass. I know Kyla, and she would have kept it to herself.”
“That’s possible. Or maybe she wanted to be honest with you and move on.”
“Maybe.” I replayed Kyla’s words in my mind. She did tell me she was sorry and she wanted to move past whatever she had begun with Angie. “Anyway, I’m way too stubborn to back down now, not after I just caught her on the phone with Angie. She’s going to have to prove herself now.”
“I agree with you on that. But don’t expect her to come knocking on the bedroom door tonight. I’m sure she feels too guilty to do so.”
“Probably.” Angrily, I buried my head in the pillow and spoke muffled words into the phone. “This is so silly. I’m too grown to be mad that my woman was on the phone with another woman. I feel like I’m in high school.”
“It’s not silly, because it’s not just any woman. It’s her ex. And it’s not just that they were on the phone. They were talking after she just admitted some feelings for her. This isn’t childish, if that’s what you’re thinking. You have every reason to feel concerned. Hold on and see what happens. She’ll come around.”
“I’m glad you have faith in her.”
“You don’t?”
I wanted to. However, I was fifty-fifty on which direction Kyla would take. “Only time will tell.”
“Talk to me whenever you need me.”
“Thanks. I will. I’ll let you get back to work.”
“Okay. Talk to you soon.”
After we ended our call, I almost opened the bedroom door to listen for Kyla’s voice downstairs. I was curious if she had gotten back on the phone with Angie. Instead, I pulled the covers over my head, and even though I was furious at Kyla, I prayed she would be at my side when I awoke in the morning.
Seven
Kyla
I was embarrassed to call my cousin and confidant, David. There was no way I could explain to him my thoughts of straying with Angie and get his perspective on why I had become more and more tempted to cheat on Asia. David, in his firm but feminine voice, would scold me and slay me to pieces. He would remind me of the elated feelings I had had when I first met Asia. He would tell me about the ease with which I had transitioned from bed-hopping to monogamy, because that was how deeply I had felt about Asia. He would remind me about Asia’s support when I traveled back home to Jeff’s wedding. She was the solid reinforcement I needed to face family and friends for the first time after I came out and then left home.
And finally, he would prop my eyes open and force me to look around. Asia and I had a good life, a beautiful home, great jobs, loving friends. We had comfort and security. Then David would have me close my eyes and listen to my heart. He’d ask me to recall all the special moments Asia and I had shared, and to remember the sweet murmurs my heart had spoken to me instantly, as it knew even before my mind that she and I were meant to be together.
I should have called David. To hear the brutal truth from him was exactly what I needed while I drove to meet Angie for lunch at her apartment. She had called just after I arrived at work to confirm our meeting.
“We’re still getting together, right?” she’d asked anxiously.
“Yes. Where are you working? I’ll meet you nearby.”
“Come to my place,” she’d suggested.
“You know that’s not a good idea. Is Deidra there? What if she comes home?”
“Deidra’s gone,” she’d told me.
During a fight that morning about what Deidra had witnessed between me and Angie at the Omni, Deidra had thrown the apartment keys at Angie and had left, and supposedly she was not expected to return. Without her keys, Deidra could no longer get in the apartment on her own. She would have to be buzzed in by Angie. Meeting Angie at her apartment was still a bad idea and an unwise move overall, I knew. Yet I avoided placing a call to David and continued to drive with my cell phone tucked in my purse.
Finally, after years of the same drill, Asia and I had veered from our morning routine. We hadn’t showered one after the other, gotten dressed together, grabbed our coffee, or kissed good-bye. Asia was out of the house before I opened my eyes. It was the sound of the garage door opening that awoke me. I had sat up quickly, still on the couch, only to hear her truck start and the garage door close a moment later. I ran upstairs, curious if she had left a note, maybe an affectionate sign that she wasn’t mad at me. There was nothing. The room was painfully silent, and it felt like I had walked onto a stage that wasn’t my own. The bed was made to perfection, each pillow placed in its proper vertical and horizontal position. Light shined through the blinds, illuminating the rings and necklaces in the jewelry case on the dresser and causing them to sparkle. Even each ring sat upright and rigid, as if on exhibit. I undressed and tossed my clothes on the bed to muss the space up a bit, help the room feel lived in, to breathe some life into it.
The bathroom was also spotless. Not one drop of water in the sink, and none in the shower. There was no lingering scent of her perfume in the air. It was as if she hadn’t even been there. Perhaps that was her point. Maybe she wanted me to know what it would be like without her. She wanted me to miss her. I did. I missed everything about us, which, ironically, was the reason I headed to Angie’s. Would my visit with Angie be the wake-up call I needed to set me straight, or would it reinforce my growing desire to have something new and old, to exchange the present for a chance to create a new future with the past?
Inside her apartment building, Angie greeted me at the front door, between stacked boxes that surrounded her feet and trailed into the living room. I hesitated before I stepped inside. My heart tried one more time to speak to me about Asia. I heard it lightly. Softly, it told me that a step into Angie’s apartment would alter Asia and me forever. Was it worth the risk? I closed my eyes and took a step backward.
“I’m sorry,” I told Angie and ran back toward the elevator that had brought me to her second-floor unit.
She followed. “Kyla, wait.” Angie reached for my waist and wrapped her arm around it tightly. “I thought we were going to talk today.”
“I can’t, Angie. I just can’t.”
“Come inside, Kyla,” she urged and began to lead me back to her apartment. “I don’t feel like I’ll see you again if you leave right now, and that’s not going to happen.”
I paused. You know what to do, my heart said. I didn’t honor its wisdom a second time and took slow steps next to Angie and into the apartment. She grinned after she closed and locked the door behind us.
“I made grilled cheese.” I could tell she hoped I thought melted cheese on toasted white bread was cute. “Can I take your coat?”
Fearfully, I removed my coat and regretted the low-cut sweater I had put on with my wool slacks that morning. Angie spotted my cleavage, and instinctively, I placed my hand, palm open, beneath my collarbone.
“Come have a seat.” Angie tapped the wooden chair at the small table in the dining area, which adjoined the living room.
I sat down, and Angie placed before me a plate with a warm grilled cheese sandwich, a small stack of Pringles potato chips, and apple slices on the side. I admitted to myself that it was cute, like a kiddie meal in an elementary school cafeteria.
“Drink?”
How I craved a shot of vodka, but I played into the child menu theme. “Juice, please.”
Angie returned with grapefruit juice, a plate for herself, and took a seat across from me. I bit into the sandwich, and the gooey cheese oozed across my tongue and out the corner of my mouth. I licked it quickly.
Angie smiled deviously. “Is it good to you?” she asked, the right side of her lips lifting upward. She enjoyed the sight of my tongue.
I ignored her. I had begun to believe there was more to our interaction, and Angie had always insisted there could be, but what if sexual chemistry was our only strong point? I could have sex anytime I chose to. Love wasn’t as easy to obtain.
“So will you share with me what’s been on your mind?” she began.
“I could tell you, but why should I? What good will it do?”
“I can’t tell you whether or not you should—or what good it’ll do—since I don’t know what it is. Just tell me because you’re here and because you said you would.”
I loosened the latch on the box that sheltered my fears. I had come to her place for that very reason, to express my confused desires and to see what would happen next.
“I’ve really been enjoying talking to you,” I finally admitted. “I feel like I’m getting to know you in a way I didn’t before.”
“I’m enjoying talking to you too. I always have,” Angie told me.
“It’s beginning to make me wonder if I missed out on something between us. I’m wondering if I should have given us a chance back then.”
“You never gave us a chance to get to know each other before. We did intimately, of course, but not personally. I have always thought that if you had given us a chance to really get to know each other, maybe we could be more.”
I nodded.
“But you were always so quick to put a halt to that whenever I brought it up. I enjoyed every bit of the time we spent together. Maybe it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m about much more than sex. We could have it all, Kyla, love and lust. That would be a great combination, wouldn’t it? In a lot of relationships there’s a little lack in one of those areas. Me and you, we got the sex down. Why won’t you let me love you?”
I listened without responding.
“Look. I don’t want to overwhelm you and plead my case like the jury is still out. You closed it a long time ago. But if there’s any opening, and it seems like there is, I’m here. I’ve always been here.”
“All these years of hanging out together. Me, you, Asia, and Deidra. You’re saying the whole time you wanted me?” I asked.
Angie lowered her head and pinched her eyebrows between her thumbs. “I know it wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair to any of us, especially Deidra. But yes, there wasn’t a moment you couldn’t have had me. If that chance is now, I’ll take it.”
I didn’t know what to think or what to feel. I was torn between my love for Asia and the temptation I felt with Angie. Last time I was in the same position, I was in love with Jeff and felt tempted by Stephanie, and my final decision proved to be the best I had ever made. It eventually led me to Asia. So how could this ambiguity be right if Asia was my supposed destiny?
“What have you said to Asia?” Angie asked, able to penetrate my thoughts.
“I was honest with her yesterday,” I answered. “I told her how I’ve been feeling about you but assured her the feelings would pass.”
Angie flinched slightly.
“I thought she’d accept it, appreciate my honesty, and we’d move forward. Instead, she told me to explore my feelings with you.”
Angie snorted. “She didn’t mean that shit.”
“She shouldn’t have said it, then.”
“Kyla, she said it just to see how you would respond. Take her up on it or beg to be with her. You know that game. You’re not new to this.”
I shrugged my shoulders. Angie quickly interpreted my presence as a sign that I really favored her over Asia.
“You know what? To me, that means you’re here because you really want to be here. Not just because Asia said, ‘Go ahead.’ Because you didn’t have to take advantage of the opening she gave you. Say it. Say you want to be here with me and not with her,” she urged firmly.
Angie was up and next to me. She turned my chair away from the table and got on her knees. She ran her hands across my thighs and gave them a squeeze. She looked up to me.
“Tell me you want to know what it’s like to be with me,” she whispered, her voice transitioning to low and husky as the longing inside her grew.
She caressed my skin through my slacks, and I was instantly aroused. She felt my heat. She rubbed deeper into my muscles and eased the tension in my legs. My chest heaved, and I exhaled. Her touch excited me such that even I was surprised. Angie laid her head in my lap and kissed me. Her breath I could feel through the wool material. I wanted to protest, but I couldn’t.
“I can love your body, love your mind, and love your heart, Kyla, if you let me.”
I closed my eyes to cool the sting from my tears.
“Will you let me do that?”
I stroked Angie’s soft curls for a moment, until she raised her head to me. “I can’t answer that right now,” I replied honestly. “I can’t say I’m ready to let go of what I have with Asia to have an opportunity with you. I believe every word you’ve said. I do. Something tells me you sincerely mean it. But I’ve done too much hurting in my past. I swore I wouldn’t hurt anyone else again, especially someone as undeserving of hurt as Asia.”
“Being here right now is already hurting her. Imagine how she’d feel if she knew. I’m not telling you what to do, but you’re halfway here already. Come on. One more step,” she coaxed smoothly.
“I know,” I agreed. “One more move and I won’t be able to get her back, anyway.”
I spoke the words and fully understood my next actions would initiate steps backward, down the path I had become overwhelmingly anxious to travel. I bent to meet the kiss Angie leaned in to give me. It was good. It was more than good, and it was only a moment before her tongue was in my mouth. We kissed, and my tears began to fall. I cried because I loved the way it felt. I cried because I didn’t want it to stop. I cried because for the first time in nine years I broke my own heart by not standing by the promise I had made to myself and to Asia: to be faithful to her. I was a cheater, willing and suddenly ready.
Angie seized the opportunity without hesitation. She stood up and led me to the couch, her face buried in my neck before she laid me down. She kissed, she licked, she nibbled, and she whispered, “I’ve a
lways wanted you.” She removed my sweater and my bra. My pants were off, and my panties down, in one swift gesture. I was lost in the moment and cried tears of pleasure and distress. Angie reached my delicateness without hesitation and took in my most tender place with her mouth. I screamed, delighted and afraid. I writhed on the couch in ecstasy and shame. I cried, and I came over and over, the tears as steady as the rush between my legs. Both exhausted and elated, we finally stopped. Angie rested her head on my shaking stomach.
“This isn’t all I want from you, Kyla,” she remarked, reiterating what she had said earlier. “I want it all. I can give it all to you. You don’t have to tell me right now. Just know there’s more to me than this.”
She looked up at me, and I down at her. I didn’t answer. I only wiped my tears and sat up. Angie watched me dress and walked me to the door.
“Call me later,” she instructed.
“Yes,” I told her.
She kissed my cheek, and guiltily I turned from her, as if her lips hadn’t just left my tender flesh moments before. My tears resumed the moment I stepped onto the elevator, and fell harder once I was outside and was getting into my car. I dug in my purse, and an hour too late I phoned David.
Eight
Asia
They’re here.
That was the text message sent by Deidra while I was visiting with Mrs. Johnson, a dying eighty-four-year-old patient. I was surprised to hear from her. I thought we were done talking. Fifteen minutes after receiving it, I was able to step away and respond.
Who is where?
Within seconds she replied.
Kyla & Angie. At the apartment.