Mind the Gap (In Too Deep)

by Casey McMillin

  I couldn't really look at Josh while we were eating dinner. I found myself staring at his lips and imagining them on me. That, in turn, made me giddy and nervous and prone to excess laughter. I felt like I had a teenage crush... consumed by it, like my heart and soul belonged to someone, and I wouldn't be comfortable in my own skin until he was mine and I was his. When we were just about done with our meal, I started feeling so overwhelmed it made me short of breath. I was sad and regretful that I felt so strongly about him, and he hadn't even bothered to get my number or make any mention of maintaining contact with me. I felt a sudden wave of uncontrollable self-pity, which I detested, so I got up to gather my wits and freshen up.

  I sat in the little sitting room of the ladies restroom with my head in my hands for two or three minutes before washing my hands to make my restroom visit official. I would probably end up trying to interact with Josh as little as possible for no other reason than my uncontrollable nerves.

  On my way back to the dining room, Josh's deep voice came from behind me, calling my name. It startled me, and I went off on a big nervous tirade about how "fine" I was with everything that happened last night.

  What else was I supposed to do? I wasn't about to tell him I thought I might be in love with him after only one night. I was falling fast in spite of our differences—or maybe because of them. Anyway, I knew the truth would come out as desperate, so I kept my mouth shut and acted like I was the queen of nonchalantsville.

  I told him thanks for checking on me and then walked off hoping he'd call after me and do any number of things including kissing me in a crowded restaurant. If I couldn't get kissing, I'd settle for a number exchange, but I got neither of those. Nothing, nada, zip, zero. I walked back to the table, two steps in front of him feeling injured and stubborn.

  I couldn't believe after everything that was said between us the night before that he wasn't interested in knowing how to contact me. I was hurt and embarrassed that I apparently thought there was more between us than he did.

  I had plans to spend the night at Gretchen's, but I would be leaving first thing in the morning, and knew I wouldn't be seeing Josh again. The closer we got to time to go, the more nervous I got that he never would ask me. My mood got more and more sour by the minute. Josh and I made it all the way out the door and into the parking lot without saying a word to each other.

  "You okay Brit? Everything okay with you and Josh?" Rachel asked as we walked toward our cars. I turned around to make sure Josh hadn't overheard.

  "Yeah, oh totally, we're good. You mean last night? No, we're good." My eyes burned with unshed tears, and I was thankful the sun had mostly set while we were in there. He was going to let me leave this place without saying he wanted to talk to me again, and I felt utterly heartbroken over it, like a heart-broken, name-doodling eighth grader.

  "Hey, what do you think about spending the night at our place tonight?" Rachel asked.

  We were nearly to our cars, and I was just planning on going to Gretchen's since that's where my stuff was. The last few times I'd come to L.A. I'd stayed at Gretchen's. I did it mainly because we had work stuff to talk about, but Gretchen and Joel had a ton of space, and I liked not feeling like I was in the way. Rachel and I had been friends since childhood, though, and I was in need of some girly support that evening. After not much deliberation at all, I agreed to spend the night at her place. She asked if I was up for a game of pool before we went back, but I told her I was in the mood to chill.

  Collin heard us talking about playing pool, and started trying to round people up to go play. Josh and Zack both said they were in without even thinking about it, and I cursed myself for saying I didn't feel like going. I knew Rachel would have me all figured out if I changed my tune, and I wasn't quite ready for her to know just how much I liked Josh. Caleb from Paradise Island decided he wanted to play some pool, so Collin ended up with a crew of guys only. After that, I didn't feel so bad about missing out.

  Collin rode with Josh so Rachel and I could take her car back to their place. We stopped by Gretchen's house to get my stuff before going back to Rachel's for the night. I left my car at Gretchen's house since Rachel and Collin didn't have much parking at their apartment, and told them I'd be back to get it before I left for Seattle in the morning.

  In spite of it being a Saturday night, Rachel and I were both showered and in our pajamas by 9PM. I was stoked about having the evening to hang with my girl. I was a little sad to miss out on seeing Josh a little bit more before I left, but to be honest, I was having trouble knowing what to say to him exactly.

  "I know you went to Josh's last night," Rachel said, reading my mind as I came into the living room after my shower. I could feel the blood rise to my cheeks at the mention of his name, so I crossed the kitchen to make myself a glass of water. "What's the story?" she continued. "Last time I checked you guys were at each other's throats, and then I hear you spent the night."

  To my own horror, I was extremely nervous when I answered her. My voice was shaking a little as I spoke, and I hated myself for not being able to control it. I tried to remember I was just talking to Rachel, but it didn't help. I was just so shaken by the subject matter.

  "I don't really know what to say about it," I said. It was the truth, I was so full of emotions that I couldn't even put a name on any of them. I hadn't planned on telling Rachel what I felt about Josh, but I couldn't help but follow the urge to get it off my chest. "I think I might have it bad for him, Ray." An uncontrollable smile spread across my face as I said it, and Rachel let out a girlie squeal loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

  "Oh, my God, I knew it! But you guys barely said two words to each other tonight, so I thought I was wrong."

  "That was me," I said. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I just didn't know how to act in front of him. Plus, I was a little hurt that he didn't even try to get my number or anything."

  "He didn't?" Rachel asked in disbelief. Her shock made me feel that much worse. "Well, did anything happen between you guys?" I could tell she sort of expected me to say no since he didn't even get my number, but I nodded my head. Rachel didn't say anything; she just gave me a loving smile.

  "I think I just made more of it than it was," I said. "I'm sure we'll run into each other once I move down here, and we can see where it goes, if anywhere."

  "I'm not really surprised that he'd be a little distant," she said. "He had an ugly divorce, which is bad enough, but the whole thing came out of nowhere. I've heard him say that he'll never trust a woman again."

  "He said that?"

  "Yeah. Josh was all head over heels about his ex, and she up and left him for a guy she reunited with on Facebook. It all went down within a matter of days, and a year into their marriage, he was stuck signing divorce papers and couch surfing with Collin and Ethan."

  "Sheeez," I moaned, leaning back on the couch, "That's a lot of freaking baggage."

  "It's not that big of a deal. She lives in San Diego, and they don't have kids or anything."

  "I'm talking about the scars," I said.

  "Naaaa, Josh is tougher than he gives himself credit for. I don't think he'll have as much trouble learning to trust as he thinks he will."

  I wanted to believe her, but I had to remind myself that she was a hopeless romantic who loved a second chance story.

  "I don't know," I said sighing. "Don't you think it's kind of weird that he's been married? I mean, I guess I sort of knew about it already, but it didn't really sink in until you were talking about it just now."

  "I know. It is kind of weird. I can't tell you how I'd feel about it since that wasn't a factor with Collin. He had a girlfriend, which I don't even like to think about. I hope whoever Josh ends up with will be able to get over it, but I honestly can't say how I'd feel if it were me."

  I wasn't sure if Rachel had done it intentionally, but her honest answer made me feel like Josh deserved a second chance with someone who could get over his past. By the end of our conversation
, I was more infatuated with Josh than ever.

  It was 11PM when Rachel got a text from Collin saying he was on his way home. I figured Josh would be giving him a ride home, and the thought of him possibly coming up to their place made me hit the bathroom where I straightened myself up. I didn't go as far as putting on regular clothes or anything, I just adjusted my hair and face a little so I wouldn't look like a total slob. Rachel and I were on the couch when the door opened. Collin walked in with nobody behind him.

  "Where's Josh?" Rachel asked, knowing I was looking forward to seeing him.

  "Hello to you too, babe," Collin said, leaning over to kiss her on the head.

  "Hey babe. But, seriously, why didn't Josh come in?"

  Collin gave a shrug and a confused look before it registered that I was the one who'd be interested in Josh's whereabouts. "I don't think he even knew you were here," he said, looking at me. His gaze shifted back to Rachel. "I don't think he even knew she was here, babe. Did you tell him she was staying over here?"

  Rachel looked as if she was trying to remember if Josh knew Brit would be here. "I have no idea if he knew or not," she finally said. "I didn't tell him, did you?" She looked at me and I shook my head in denial.

  "He had no idea," Collin said, relieved to be off the hook. "I'm sure he would have come up."

  I was up until after two that night imagining Josh's boyish face, being mad that he hadn't known I was staying there, and wondering if things could ever work out between us.

  ****

  Collin and Rachel brought me to Gretchen's to pick up my car the next morning around 10:30. We stopped at a local coffee shop to get food and coffee on our way over there. Rachel texted Gretchen and Emily to take orders, and we ended up bringing breakfast and coffee for everyone. Ethan and Emily met us in the main house and we all hung out for an hour or so before I said I needed to be getting back to Seattle.

  I was complaining about not being able to find my keys when Gretchen said, "Oh I forgot, Joel had to move your car last night." She looked over her shoulder. "Joel!" she yelled. She waited for his response, but he was checking on the sleeping baby and hadn't heard her. "He probably put them on the little hooks by the kitchen door where we put ours."

  I walked past the bar to the back door where I indeed found my key ring on one of the five hooks that hung there. It was a catchall area, and I glanced at the coins and other trinkets that made it out of Joel's pocket. There were a few business cards scattered about, and before I could stop myself, my eye fell onto one of them. Josh Rand was written at the top along with the title of Geological Engineer and a logo for a place called Carol Construction. It was blue with gold and white. His blasted cell phone number was clearly printed on the card, and my hand itched to pick it up. I literally wiped my palm on my pants to give it something to do besides pick up the dang card. I looked back at my friends who were paying no attention to me at all. I gave in. I took the card and put it into my pocket as fast as I could. Joel had Josh's phone number already. What did he need with a business card? He'd never even notice it was missing.

  Chapter 16

  Josh

  I didn't know what to make of the past weekend. In some respects it had been a great couple of days, but I was inexplicably left with a void that wasn't there before the weekend started. I could understand why Brit would want to keep her distance since she lived so far away, but it still stung a little bit that she was so unaffected by everything that went down between us last Friday night. I wondered if my truck or MMA stuff had really offended her that much, and if so, why had she let things go so far between us?

  I plugged my phone into my stereo, and listened to her song while I was waiting in the driveway of a vacant house for Ethan and Emily to show up. I wanted to start walking the property, but Emily insisted I wait for them so she could see my reaction. I assured her my reaction wouldn't be anything worth getting all excited about, but she made me promise to wait nonetheless. It was a house they'd seen before, and Ethan wanted some advice before making an offer. Just about all of my friends called me when they wanted to buy a house. I knew a lot about foundations and construction because of my job. I could tell from the driveway that it was nice. It was in a good neighborhood, but you could see at first glance that there would be room for improvement. That didn't surprise me at all. Ethan was smart with his money, and it'd be just like him to make a project out of a house and resell it for profit. Before I could even finish Brit's song, Ethan and Emily showed up with Sal in tow. Their realtor was fine having Sal along, since they were on the verge of making an offer and they told her Sal needed to check it out.

  "What do you think?" Emily asked, getting out of the truck, smiling and wide eyed.

  "I have no idea," I said. "I've been sitting in my truck with my eyes closed so I wouldn't spoil the surprise." She came in for the hug, and I returned it, giving her a few pats on the back before extending my fist to bump Ethan's.

  Their realtor was stuck in traffic, so we walked the perimeter, checking the place out. It was a Spanish style house on a small, fenced lot. It seemed from the outside to be solidly built, and Ethan and I talked about several things that would be easy upgrades. He and Emily both seemed excited about buying a house and living together in general. I never thought I'd see the day when Ethan Erickson wanted to shack up with a girl, but I liked Emily and was happy for them both.

  When the realtor arrived, she informed Ethan that someone else was in the process of making an offer on the house, and if Ethan really liked it, he needed not only to act quickly, but to also come in close to the asking price. Emily was wary about doing anything too quickly, but Ethan liked the place and didn't want to miss out on it. I overheard them talking about it while I meandered around the house checking things out.

  "I don't want to be rushed into something just because someone else is interested," Emily said, "and how do we even know she's telling the truth? It's been on the market for three weeks, and all of a sudden there's an offer?"

  The realtor was outside on her cell phone, unable to hear Emily voicing her doubts.

  I rounded the corner to the empty living room where Ethan and Emily were standing. I wanted to weigh in before the realtor came back. "I'm not trying to sway you either way," I said, "but if you don't make an offer, I probably will."

  Emily's head whipped around, and she looked at me waiting to hear what I saw in the place. "Why do you say that?" she asked. "Are you looking for a house? I thought you signed a lease at your apartment."

  I let out a little laugh. "I did sign a lease," I said. "And no, I'm not looking for a place, but I think there's potential to make a little money off of this one, and if you were planning on passing—"

  "We're buying it," Ethan said. He looked at Emily. "Josh agrees we should do it. We're doing it. He's right. We should just do it. Let's go tell her we want to make an offer."

  "Don't do that just because of what I said," I told him. "I'd never even consider it unless you officially decided to pass, I was just being honest that I think it's a good investment."

  "I know that, Bro, it's just that I think you're right, and I don't want to miss it on account of the people the realtor told us about." He looked at Emily, asking her to see it his way.

  Wearing a big smile, she stuck her hands in the air and shrugged. "It's your project anyway," she said. "I'm just along for the ride."

  "Quit playing," he said. "Don't act like you're not excited."

  Her smile widened. "Okay so I'm a little excited."

  Ethan made an offer on that house that was accepted that same night. There was indeed another couple interested, but the sellers opted to go with Ethan because he was paying with cash and would be able to close sooner. They set a tentative closing date for two weeks, which would put them in the house before Thanksgiving. Ethan said they'd probably still stay in Joel's guesthouse until Brit needed it in December. He wanted to get a few of the construction projects done before they moved in. I couldn't help but focus o
n the fact that he implied Brit would be moving into Joel's guesthouse.

  I asked him about it and he said they needed to be out by mid December so Brit could move in after graduation. He said she thought about changing her mind in favor of riding out the Holidays in Seattle, but then reconsidered, saying she was ready to get down here. I was happy to hear that she was looking forward to the move. For some reason, I took that as confirmation that she didn't hate my guts.

  ****

  That Saturday I went to a Muay Thai seminar at my gym. I worked out until I was utterly spent and sore. I was pretty sure I'd be feeling like I was in a car accident for a few days following the class. Ethan came with me. Now that he was done with competitive swimming, he'd been doing more MMA. He didn't do it as regularly as I did, because he still made time for weird things like scuba diving and rock climbing, but he came to the seminar, and I was glad he did. We were similar in stature, and made excellent training partners.

  I had plans to go out with a few guys from work that evening after the workout, but I was so exhausted I cancelled plans with them in favor of a few bottles of Old Rasputin in the comfort of my own living room. I needed a comfortable chair and some television to space out on. I sent Ethan a text that night to see how he was making it. He said he'd probably be regretting it in the morning, and both of us agreed that it was the most fun we'd had in a long time.

  It was after 1AM, and I had been watching one of my all time favorite movies called The Big Lebowski for the past hour or so. I was just about to turn it off and head to bed when my phone lit up on the coffee table in front of me. I picked it up to inspect the screen. It was a text from a number I didn't recognize. It was listed as Washington, which automatically made me think of Brit.