“But, God, if they’re supposed to give me peace, why do they hurt so much? Why did You bring me here to fall in love with a man who can never love me? Why did You bring me here to be part of a family that will never be mine?”
Chapter Thirteen
Will kicked a rock as he made his way out to the barn. He probably looked like Tommy having a temper tantrum, but he didn’t much care. How could he have lost his head so easily? He had almost kissed her! He had taken her in his arms and held her close and she had fit perfectly in his embrace.
Not only had she fit, but she had melted against him so innocently, without knowing what that was doing to him. He would never forget the feel of her in his arms. Until the day he died, he would remember how he held her and she’d come willingly. But he couldn’t let himself forget that he had her interests to consider. Whether she realized it yet or not, the prairie wasn’t where she belonged. He was going to stay away from her as much as he could until she left, and then...then he’d have the rest of his life to miss her smile and laughter. He’d have the rest of his life to know that he had done the right thing by her. At least he could be proud that she would be able to go on and find a true love who would give her everything she needed.
“You don’t have to come and sleep out here on my account,” a voice called out to him from the doorway of the barn. “I’m sure it’s much nicer in the house.”
“Night, Colin.” Will acknowledged his friend, even though all he wanted to do was turn and stomp away. He didn’t want another lecture from his friend about how he was making the wrong decision. Right or wrong, it was his decision to make—and he was going to do what he knew was best for Abby.
“Why don’t you just go back in there and tell that woman of yours that you love her?” Colin pried.
“’Cuz you know if I do, she wouldn’t go back East when my ma sends for her.” A second too late Will knew his answer confirmed Colin’s suspicions.
“Well, I’m glad you’re not denying that you love her. And we want her to go back because...?” Colin left the sentence hanging as if to prompt Will to admit to his own folly. Sometimes Colin was like a dog with a bone; he just wouldn’t let it go.
“Just leave me alone, Colin,” Will answered grumpily.
“No, not until you explain this to me. I saw how she wore a hole in the floor by the window, watching for you to come home. She took pains with that meal tonight and you know it’s because you were back. Don’t you see the gift God has given you? A beautiful woman who loves your boys and has fit into your life as if she had always belonged? How many other men in this territory would give their right arm to find a jewel like her? And here God just dumps her in your lap and you want to send His precious gift back East as soon as possible. Can’t you see she wants to stay here with you?”
“She’s young and doesn’t know any better.”
“She’s older than you were when you first came out here. Have you ever asked her what she wants? You and the boys aren’t going to know what to do if she goes. Most men would have made sure she didn’t have a reason to leave here long ago.”
“I’m not most men. I wouldn’t leave for Caroline and look what happened. I don’t want to be responsible for another woman shriveling up and dying out here.”
“When she first arrived, I admit, there were a number of people who doubted she’d last more than a month or two. But no one doubts her anymore. She’s shown herself to be a true farmer’s wife.”
The decisions Will made were for Abby’s sake. He might be sacrificing the greatest gift short of salvation to let her go, but it was for her own good. His heart wanted him to go back to the house and let Abby know how he really felt. As much as he wanted to deny it, Colin was right about one thing. He loved Abby. If he didn’t love her this much, he might be more tempted to try and convince her to stay.
Poor thing, she was probably all confused and upset. Just the thought that he might have caused her distress was tearing him up inside, but it was better this way. It would be better for her and for him in the long run if she believed that he didn’t harbor any feelings for her. Not that he believed it was all that likely he could convince her he had no feelings for her. If she hadn’t figured it out from the kiss on their wedding day, tonight must have proven his folly. But as long as she didn’t realize how deep his love ran, she wouldn’t feel obligated to stay out with him on the prairie where he was sure she could never be truly happy.
Will shouldered his way past Colin and climbed up the ladder to the loft. Jake was already bedded down. He shot a pitying look at his uncle.
“Colin, you might as well come on up and get some sleep. Trying to talk to my uncle now is like talking to a brick wall,” Jake called out, then turned on his side and pretended to doze off.
* * *
Before the rooster even could crow his “good-morning” to everyone, Will headed down below, mucking stalls and milking the cows. By the time most of the chores were done, Jake and Colin still hadn’t bothered to come down. It was probably better they leave him to work in peace, but now he had to face Abby. He’d planned to send the milk in with Jake, hoping to avoid her unless others were around, but Abby had had the fire started for a while and she would need the milk soon. She’d already been out to the outhouse and then the henhouse. Feeling every bit the coward, he watched her from the shadows of the barn as she had stood on the back porch for a minute, studying the barn as if pondering what to do about life or maybe just what to do about him.
Well, there was nothing more to do than go bring her the milk. He gritted his teeth as if he were about to face the firing squad. He trudged across the yard and up the stairs, tempted to just leave the pail inside the door, but the smell of coffee called to his grumbling stomach. As soon as he opened the door, he saw her square her shoulders and take a deep breath. Not a good sign.
“Good morning, Abby.” He hadn’t wanted to sound so pleased to see her, but his voice betrayed him. What he really wanted was to cross the room and take her back into his arms as he had done the night before.
“Morning,” she answered, not turning to look at him. That was definitely a very bad sign. It was the same thing his mother would do when she was upset with his father.
“Here’s the milk.” He stated the obvious, wanting to find some neutral ground.
“Thank you.” She half turned and he could see her profile. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks and nose were red. Stray wisps of her hair were pulling free from her bun, making her seem more vulnerable. He fisted his hands and stuffed them in his pockets before he gave in to the urge to hold her close again.
Before he could think of some excuse to leave, she was handing him his mug of coffee, their fingers brushing accidently. The contact burned a trail of fire all the way to his soul. “Thanks,” he murmured. He’d planned to leave it at that, but the look of pain in her eyes undid all his best intentions, breaking his heart.
“You’re welcome,” she whispered, and spun away, back to the stove to care for what looked like the beginnings of French toast. He involuntarily took two steps closer.
“Listen, Abby. I don’t want you all upset and all.” His hand reached out on its own accord, ignoring his common sense. He pushed a wisp of hair away from her face, hooking it behind her delicate ear. His index finger tracing a path from her ear to her jaw, but warning alarms in his head finally broke through his fog and shook him. He dropped his hands to his sides.
“You know that this is better this way. You need to be in a place that’s safe. This is the prairie. There’s always the threat of an Indian uprising, of bad weather, of the harvest not giving us enough to get through the winter.... I can name a hundred other ways that a body can become just one more victim of this barren place. It’s the place that I love and I won’t leave, but it’s not right for you.”
“What gives you the right to
decide that for me?” Abby turned and glared at him. He had never seen her look angry, not even when the boys were fighting. “I don’t think I’ve said anything about the prairie being wrong for me. In fact, if you had been listening to anything I have been saying in the last few weeks, you would have heard how much I’ve come to love this farm, this family, the land. This place isn’t just the land you dream about. It’s become my dream, as well. But you’re too busy playing God to listen to anyone else.”
“I’m not playing God!” Will gritted out. He was a God-fearing man. He would never—
“Of course you are. ‘I’ll not be responsible for another woman dying out here….’” she parroted him. “As if you appointed the time for Caroline to die! As if there are not any dangers in the city. What if I go where you send me and I die of influenza? Would that also be your fault? What if someone attacks me in the city or I get trampled by a runaway carriage? Or is danger only here in the horrible wilderness?” Her sarcasm surprised him. She had never once been sarcastic before.
“All Caroline wanted was to go back to the city and I wouldn’t go. She...”
“She what?” Abby exclaimed, but then she dropped her voice and a look of compassion filled her eyes. “I know you still love her. You must miss her something fierce, but you’ve got to realize God appoints each of us a time. He called her home, just like He called my parents home before I felt ready to let them go. But no one can tell God how or when to work His will. He does as He sees fit and He loves us. It’s for our good.”
“But I didn’t love her!” Will exploded, but stopped in shock as his words echoed in the now-silent kitchen. He dropped his eyes to the floor, wanting to leave and never return to see condemnation that must be in Abby’s eyes at that moment.
“I don’t understand. You married her.... Had children with her. You still have her things in your room.” Abby swung away from him and scraped the now-burnt French toast from the skillet. She pushed the fry pan onto the back of the stove.
“I married Caroline because she tricked me. I didn’t want a wife since I was already planning to come out here with Matt and MaryAnn that spring. I think Caroline believed she could talk me out of my plans once she forced the engagement, but I held firm. She got the husband she wanted and I got the journey I wanted, but neither one of us was happy. Once we were married—especially once the boys came along—I tried to be a good husband, tried to tell myself that I loved her, but, well...”
Had he really not loved Caroline? Even now it hurt to admit it. It made him feel like even more of a failure as a husband.
“I made a lot of mistakes,” he admitted. “Did a lot of things that I now regret. I’m not sorry I came out to Nebraska, or that I helped build this farm along with Mathew, but I am sorry that I made Caroline so unhappy.”
“I think there’s a part of you that felt you should have left and seen to her comforts and yet another part that feels you were justified in staying since she was the one who forced the marriage,” Abby said. “You need to forgive her. You need to let God be God and control life. You aren’t going to be able to protect all those you love. You aren’t going to be able to change God’s will. If He calls me to Him today, you won’t be able to keep me here no matter what you do. But if He sees fit to let me spend the next fifty years here on this earth, I’d rather spend them with you and the boys than going to the city, no matter the conditions.” Abby swung around and faced him, squaring her shoulders once again. She bit her lower lip and it was all Will could to not to reach out and wipe away a stray tear.
“I guess what I’m trying to tell you is I’m not Caroline. She and I might both have forced you into marriages you didn’t want, but we had very different reasons. I don’t expect you to love me or find me appealing like you must have found her, but I want a chance to prove I can be a good mother to your children. Maybe even a good wife to you.”
“But you’ll be missing out on your own life,” Will countered. It was all he could come up with. He was not going to give in now. Not when he had kept his emotions in check for so long. He would not be responsible for another woman dying on the prairie.
Even as the thought crossed his mind, he recognized it as the very thing Abby said was sin. But it was what had kept him from getting too close. And if he got close, when she did finally get tried of the prairie life, he would be truly heartbroken because unlike with Caroline, he really did love Abby. She was right; she would be a great mother for his children and a very good wife. If only he could claim her as his without endangering her life or her happiness.
Knowing he was too close to giving in and letting her win the argument, he did what any self-respecting man would do. He turned on his heel and left. Stalked out the door and let it slam behind him. Even as the smell of coffee and French toast enticed him to return, he kept on walking. He’d survive on water and whatever bread Jake could smuggle out to him later. At least that’s what he told his rumbling stomach. He had lots of work to do—work that wouldn’t get done unless he saw to it himself.
Work that would distract him from the woman he loved, and wanted to beg to stay by his side forever.
Chapter Fourteen
The Monday after their return from town, Will, Jake and Colin left as soon as morning chores were done and spent the day building the foundation for Colin’s cabin. He’d filed on a homestead a half hour’s ride from theirs. It was close enough to church that anyone could find him if they needed the preacher in a hurry.
The next morning, the three men did their morning chores and then left for Colin’s cabin, returning at afternoon chore time and eating the evening meal with Abby and the boys. The pattern continued until Friday morning.
“Well, Abby, I am forever indebted to you for feeding me so well.” Colin thanked her after breakfast on Friday morning. “I reluctantly have to bid you and the boys goodbye until Sunday. My cabin’s finished enough for me to sleep in it and not have to worry about unwelcomed visitors or water dripping on my head. I imagine that being such close neighbors, you and Will can invite this poor preacher over from time to time to enjoy your good cooking.”
He stood and hugged her close as a big brother would. Stepping back just a space, he whispered, “I’ll be praying for you both. Don’t give up. Even though he denies it, he loves you. It’ll just take time. Trust the Lord. You’re the best blessing the Lord has ever lavished on that old hardhead.”
Colin winked and it made Abby giggle. It felt good to smile. As the three men saddled up, Abby stood on the porch and waited for them to wave goodbye. Will circled back and kept his horse prancing at the foot of the steps. It put him eye level with Abby. She liked not having to look up to him while they spoke.
“Listen, if you get a chance, could you make up my room, and Jake’s? I guess there’s no need for us to be sleeping in the barn when there are two perfectly good beds inside to use.”
Abby nodded.
“Well, I’ll see you tonight.” And before she was able to come up with a fitting reply, he reined his horse around and trotted off after the others.
That night, Abby noticed that she felt safer somehow, knowing Will slept just upstairs instead of out in the barn. It made the house seem smaller, cozy. She liked having everyone under one roof. If only Will would admit that this was the way things should be. But he remained stubbornly insistent that she would never be happy out on the prairie. At times she wondered if it wouldn’t just be better to move back East somewhere and bury herself in mundane work, far from the reminders that she was married to a man who didn’t want her. A man who refused to even entertain the idea of making her his.
But no matter where she went, she knew she would always be able to close her eyes and picture his face, his blue eyes sparkling as he laughed with Tommy or his forehead wrinkled in thought as he tried to answer the boy’s questions. And when she closed her eyes, she could still almost fee
l the gentleness of his lips on hers on their wedding day or smell his scent as he hugged her close the day he returned from his trip to town. She’d cherish the time she had with Tommy, Willy and Jake, too. But her heart had become attached to Will more than any other.
* * *
Abby hesitated at the door of the church. She felt tired and discouraged. Will barely took the time to spare her a word much less take a cup of tea with her on Friday or Saturday nights. She had hoped that now that Colin was in his own home and Will and Jake were staying indoors, they’d have more opportunities to talk, but it hadn’t worked out that way at all.
Mrs. Scotts and Mrs. Becker both greeted her as she entered the church building, but what she longed for was a true friend. Someone like Mrs. Gibbons, the pastor’s wife back in Ohio, or even her own nieces. A woman whom she could confide in and who would understand her. Instead, Colin greeted her as she followed Will and the boys to their pew. He was kind and a good friend, but he didn’t make up for a woman who could understand her heart.
“Before you leave, I need to speak to you,” Colin whispered. Abby nodded just before sitting down next to Tommy.
During the service, Abby had the strangest sensation that Colin’s message was somehow directed toward her and she tried to drink in every word. He spoke about how God’s plans and timing are not always ours. He pointed out that God made promises He fulfilled years later, sometimes even centuries later. Colin read from Genesis and from Hebrews about how God used faithful men and women to do His work, many of whom never saw a reward for their labor this side of heaven. As Colin spoke, Abby felt torn. She knew that Colin was using these passages to encourage everyone to keep serving the Lord, letting God use their lives for His purpose. But she also understood that Colin’s message meant that sometimes God answered prayers only after the faithful souls reached heaven. Was that His plan for her prayer for a home and family of her own?
Instant Prairie Family (Love Inspired Historical) Page 19