Pure Punishment

by T. L Smith

  “Julia,” this time, it’s my turn to screech into the cell.

  “What? I knew you couldn’t say no forever. Plus, you love me and I have some men coming so you can get your pipes cleaned, girl.”

  “Okay, I have to pack,” I tell her and hang up the cell. She emails me right away with the all the details and I pack a large bag.

  My take on life is somewhat different than what it used to be. I don’t dress down anymore, and my hair is cut short in a neatly styled slick. I wear makeup now. Not every day, but I take joy in putting it on and bringing out my facial features that I once tried so very hard to hide.

  I even speak to my grandmother. She visited once when I was in therapy, which surprised me so much I broke down and cried. She blamed herself for what happened to me. It was her son. She drank to get rid of the guilt that plagued her, because she knew he wasn’t a good man. My mother tried escaping and taking me with her the night they died. My mother called Grandma and she came to get me. My father was furious and took off in the car just as my grandmother got me out. I don’t need to tell you the end of that story as obviously it’s not a happy ending.

  Doctor Walker has become a good friend to me. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t hear from him. Sometimes I still go in for sessions or he calls me to see how I’m doing. I trust him as much as I trusted Kai and that was not something that came easy for me. I call him as I enter the cab because I need him to tell me everything is going to be fine. I’m worried about seeing Kai. Will he even care about me anymore? Would he even recognize me?

  “Kristy, you are a strong woman, please remember that. Look at all you’ve accomplished. Don’t worry about him. If you see him, I believe it will help you. You need to either lay it to rest with him or try to move on.” I nod my head and then realize he can’t see me, so I tell him my goodbyes and hang up.

  I get increasingly nervous once I’m on the plane. I try to think of something calming and Kai jumps into my head. He came for me once, three months after I was gone. I remember the nurse telling me I had a visitor. I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t tell anyone where I was, so I knew it was him. Only he could track me down like that, only he had the resources to do it.

  I requested to not see him, which broke my heart just a little, but that month was a bad time because that’s when the memories started surfacing. I gave the doctor my cell when I was admitted and asked him not give it back to me. That night, as I laid in my single bed, my mind filled full of evil. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted him to tell me he should wait for me no matter how long it took, but I couldn’t do that to him. It would have been selfish.

  I watch the lights of New York pass me by and silently tell myself I will be back. I’m hoping to come back, but sometimes things in life change, sometimes for the better.

  Studies show that brain waves are more active while dreaming than when you are awake.

  I rang Julia yesterday when I arrived, but I haven’t seen her yet. She pleaded with me to stay with her, but I like my space, so I booked a hotel near the college I used to attend. It's so surreal seeing everything after years of being away and it brings back the old, as well as good memories. Julia is having dinner tonight and a few people are invited, one of them is my old roommate, Leanne. She and Julia became friends after I left and they both graduated college at the same time. I personally haven’t spoken to Leanne since that awful night so long ago. I hope it isn’t awkward when I do see her, though.

  I start to get ready for the night and I slip into a red mini dress, which comes up midway on my thighs. My hair is straightened and stops above my shoulders, with the front being longer than back. I apply my makeup with red lipstick and thicken up my eyelashes. I complete the outfit with a pair of black heels. I take one look in the mirror before I leave the hotel and I’m pleased with what I see. My body is not skinny anymore. I have curves in all the right places and an ass now. I know most people strive to be skinny, but I was at an unhealthy weight before. Now, I have energy and feel full of life.

  The restaurant we are going to is also the same club that Julia and I used to frequent. It’s the one where Jimmy worked as a bouncer. It’s kind of cute for them to have a special moment where they first met. It’s also across from my hotel, so I don’t have to worry about walking far.

  As I step in through the front doors, I look around for Julia’s blonde hair. The place is actually quite beautiful when there aren’t hundreds of people gathering around. There are fairy lights lighting the roof space and white flowers on every table. I hear a scream to my right and turn to see Julia greeting someone very familiar. I walk in her direction and stop just before the two blonde women. Julia sees me first and looks me over, like she can’t believe what she’s seeing. I smile at the other woman and that’s when I recognize who she is, Leanne. She looks different from a few years ago. Her hair is touching down past her bra straps, compared to her short hair in school. She looks happy and she smiles at me.

  “Hot damn, what on earth did you do with my best friend?” Julia asks, touching the front of my dress and practically feeling me up in public.

  “Jules, stop molesting her in public, please. It’s embarrassing,” Leanne chimes in. Julia shushes her and turns back to me. That’s when I see the massive diamond taking over her left hand. She sees me staring and puts it in my face.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? He did it today in bed, he was so sweet,” she says lost in thought. I start to reply when a hand wraps around Leanne’s waist and she sinks back into him. I watch as her face changes from looking at Julia to lust in her eyes. I move my eyes further and even though I know those hands, they still haunt me.

  “Kai, you remember Kristy, don’t you? Julia said you knew each other,” Leanne says, smiling up at him. My eyes finally reach him and his face is matching mine.

  Shock.

  He doesn’t say a word and neither do I.

  Julia grabs my hand and drags me away, our eyes still locked on one another.

  “You can’t eye fuck him in public,” Julia whispers in my ear.

  I wasn’t doing that! I just realized he hasn’t changed, with his hair in the same dark mohawk. He’s bigger though, if that’s even possible. I turn for one last look as she pulls me to our table, and I spot him still holding Leanne. I also notice that his eyes haven’t left me. I can’t do it anymore and I have to force my eyes away from his.

  I take a seat next to Julia and congratulate both her and Jimmy. All of their friends start taking seats around the table and, just my luck, Leanne and Kai are next to me. They take a seat and I avert my eyes. Jimmy walks over and gives me a cuddle and sits down next to me while his new fiancée is off mingling before dinner.

  “So tell me, how have you been?” He’s a lovely guy and they balance each other out so well, her craziness to his calmness.

  “Good, I’ve been good.”

  “It’s good to hear, Kristy.” He pats me on the shoulder and moves when Julia takes her seat next to me. We eat dinner and I don’t say much, I just listen to what is going on around me.

  “They’ve been together only a few months now,” Julia whispers in my ear, pulling me from my boredom.

  “I don’t need to know,” I tell her.

  “He doesn’t look at her like he used to look at you, or how he still looks at you now,” she says looking behind me in Kai’s direction. I don’t look, it’s no use. I wouldn’t dream of hurting someone who has helped me and they both have helped me.

  Dinner goes smoothly. I have successfully avoided looking in the direction of Kai. Leanne has asked a few questions about how I’m doing and I give them all the same answer. “Good.” As I stand to leave and start to say goodbye, I accidently look at him. His eyes are already on me, eating me alive.

  I arrive back at my hotel and kick off my shoes. I need to forget about tonight, forget about those eyes. How can one pair haunt me more than my nightmares?

  I grab my swimsuit, take off my dress and put
it on. I love the water, it’s relaxing for me. It helps calm my nerves and lets my body feel free. I swim for a good half an hour and decide to go to bed. As I climb out of the water, a hand offers me a towel. The hand with the ‘Love’ tattoo covering its knuckles. I take the towel and wrap it around myself, stepping out of the pool. He doesn’t move, blocking my path.

  “Kai,” I say to him, not daring to look up.

  “You never called,” he says, shocking me.

  “I couldn’t.”

  He’s still standing in front of me, not moving. “I call bullshit. You could talk to Julia, but not me?”

  “That’s different and you know it.”

  “I loved you, Kristy. I fucking loved you and you just left, with a promise that you would call. Why would you do that to me?”

  My heart breaks again. I don’t know what to say, so I look up and I see him staring at me intently. He grabs me by the waist and pulls me close to his body. His eyes leave mine and look down at my lips. He bites his bottom lip and then his eyes trail back up and lock onto mine. I’ve never wanted any man to kiss me more in my life than this man in front me. He leans in closely and his lips touch mine, gentle at first. Then his tongue invades my mouth and we lose ourselves. We are a mess of hands and lips, touching everywhere and pulling each other close. He grabs my ass and lifts me so my legs wrap around his waist, and I moan into his mouth as he bites my lip.

  I pull away and make a move to get down, realizing that was probably the best kiss of my life, but oh so wrong.

  “It can’t be wrong, it feels too right,” he says, grabbing for me again and picking me back up. I should be saying no, but sometimes life is unexpected, and you have to grab it by the balls and enjoy the ride.

  He carries me to my room and I let him. There’s a part of me telling me I will regret this; that I know it’s not good for me, but I can’t seem to say anything.

  He pushes the door open and walks to the bed where he deposits me and starts to strip. I watch in awe as he becomes fully naked. His body is as defined as it was before, but it seems the time has done him well. He walks over to me and leans down so we are inches apart.

  “How did you get to be even more beautiful?” he asks, then pulls my bikini top off, slowly tracing my stomach with his hands and going further down. He pulls the strings on the side of my bikini bottoms and they fall as well. His hot mouth makes contact with my breast and I arch up for him, needing him. He obeys and goes lower, then invades me. His tongue is warm and my pussy is greedy, wanting him for so long has made me crazy.

  Insulin works to regulate blood sugar levels in the body, but recently, scientists have discovered that its presence in the brain also helps promote memory.

  “Tell me you won’t leave me again,” he orders, just as I come. I grab onto him and kiss him, knowing I will taste myself, but not trusting my words. He removes his mouth and slides down my body so he’s directly where I want him. I can feel him at my entrance and I feel like screaming for him. “I have loved three other women in my life… my mother, my sister and my niece. The only one that has ever held my heart and not fucking let go is you. How can you do that within only months of knowing you?”

  I don’t answer him because there are no words to make it right.

  He spreads my legs and I wrap them around him, securing him to my body. He inserts himself in my already wet pussy and I tense, and then relax when I hear his words.

  “It’s me,” he says, like he knows what was about to enter my mind. He starts to move and I feel my body reacting strongly to him, like it knows what it wants and will take it. I dig my nails into his ass as he moves faster and faster. His hand reaches down between our bodies and he plays with my clit. It’s my undoing as I start to scream and scrape at his back. He isn’t done though. He flips me so I’m now on top and he’s on the bottom, then grabbing my hips he starts rocking inside me, showing me the movements and I follow happily. He flicks my clit again and I feel myself tightening as an orgasm builds inside me.

  I come and Kai isn’t far behind. I collapse on top of him and his hands brush over my hair. I know I should move, but I’m way too tired, so I go to sleep with the sound of a heartbeat under my ear.

  I wake to a cell phone ringing and reach to grab it. When I look at it, I realize it’s not mine. It’s Kai’s and it’s Leanne calling him. I turn to my side and see him open his eyes, he smiles and I hand him the cell. He takes one look and his face changes because it’s more like a wake-up call. I have to get away from him. I step out of bed, fully naked, and grab a pair of shorts and tee to put on. I start to pack my stuff up when his voice stops me.

  “You can't go.” I turn to him as he gets out of bed and I notice a new tattoo inked across his shoulders. I know that name, but it’s not something I’ve heard for a long time. Nani.

  “You have a girlfriend, Kai. What we did was wrong. I’m not willing to hurt her anymore than I have to. I think you should leave and go back to her,” I say, pointing toward the door.

  “And what, pretend I love her? Pretend you don’t love me? Don’t be so fucking stupid, Nani, it would have never worked. I have waited for you for too long,” he says stepping closer. My will power leaves me as I drink in the sight of him, semi-erect and fully naked.

  “Do you love her?” I ask.

  “She’s a beautiful woman. Maybe it could have gone somewhere, maybe not, but she isn’t you. It’s you I need.”

  “I think you should give it a try. I think you should stick to the sane and sensible girl. She will be good for you, Kai, I won’t be.”

  “How do you know what’s good for me? Did you think it was good to leave me and not even fucking call me? Did you think that was smart? I have loved you at your weakest, please let me love you at your strongest.”

  I don’t say a word to him and finish packing the rest of my bags. I didn’t do it to hurt him last time. I did it to fix me. Yes, I now believe I loved him and I still do love him, but I’m still a broken person, trying to put myself back together piece by piece.

  “Think about it, Kai. Kids and marriage, she can give you all of that and you would never have to worry about what might happen when you come home. Who she might be. She’s your safe zone and your safest option, go to your safe zone.” I walk past him with my bag in my hand and he stops me.

  “This is not what you want, Kristy.”

  “No, but it’s something I have to do,” I say and pull my hand back. It’s his turn to be happy. The way he tried to make me happy. Maybe now, he will get closure. Maybe now, he can love her like I know he can.

  I hear his scream as the cab pulls up and I give the driver the directions to Julia’s. I leave and try my hardest not to look back.

  “You just got here. Oh, and why do you smell of sex?” she asks, looking me up and down. I blush at her comment and she slaps my ass.

  “You hoe! Tell me… tell me… who was it?” she asks jumping up and down. I hang my head and she stops.

  “I knew he left to go after you. Did you know he used to call me every week for a year for updates about you? He was persistent and eventually, I ended up giving him it all. I told him at the end of that first year you were doing better, seemed to be improving, and that I could hear the happiness in your voice when you spoke to me. That’s when he stopped because he just wanted you happy. I never told him you were coming. I didn’t know how to. You know he doesn’t love her, right? She loves him, but he can’t love her.”

  “I don’t need to know, Julia. It’s none of my business.”

  “But it is since he was that way because of you. Jimmy has known him for quite a while before you were even in the picture. He never cared for women. If he wanted sex, he would get it and that was the end of it. He looked after you, treated you right. In the end, you both fell, but it seems only one is admitting it.” She crosses her arm over her chest and I know she’s talking about me.

  “I’m sick, Julia. What kind of life could I give him? I may be cured for now, b
ut it could come back. The doctors don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know. He could be happy without me.”

  “See, that’s where you are wrong. He hasn’t been happy since the day you left. I bet he smiled for you. He did, didn’t he?” I nod my head. “He hasn’t smiled since you left. You took that with you. Now, I think it’s time you give it back.”

  “You don’t understand,” I say, shaking my head.

  “I do. You made passionate love last night and now you are gonna run? All because you think it’s best. What about what’s best for him? Do you even care?”

  “Of course I care,” I scream at her. She’s making me angry. I don’t think she realizes it, but she is. I’m not the once shy girl who would be walked over easily. I’m stronger now and I won’t hold back.

  “Well, get your sexed up pussy back to him before it’s too late.” She leans in and hugs me. I wish her luck and jump back into the cab. I won’t destroy his life a second time. It's time for me to go home and move on with my life.

  When someone looks at a new love, the neural circuits that are usually associated with social judgment are suppressed.

  Almost another year has flown by and it’s been a crazy one. I now live with my grandmother and look after her. She was not at all pleased with that arrangement. I also own a youth center for children. I invested some of the money I had left and used the rest to purchase the center. It started off small at first, but now we have two full time employees and five volunteers.

  The day I left Julia’s was hard. I was lost and didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I hired a car and drove to my grandmother’s. She was the one that gave me the idea and I ran with it.

  I haven’t spoken directly to Kai since I left, but he knows exactly where I am. I get notes from him, letters, text messages, you name it, and he sends it. Our youth center is full of flowers from him each week, with words of encouragement written in the small letters. Yesterday was, “You spread your wings.” Today's is, “Now I want to watch you fly.” I smile at each one I get because it’s romantic and I often wonder what he’s doing. Is he spying on me like he used to? Though, for some reason, I think he’s giving me space and wooing me.