by Pamela Ann
He had spent five long hours in her house. Yeah, that was going to drive me in-fucking-sane.
Chapter 6
Dimitris
My eyes watched every gutting emotion that was being played out on her pretty face. Even after giving her that solidifying speech that no woman should question where my heart and loyalty rested, her demons were not subdued.
“What happens if one night, say you’re drunk and she comes on to you? What if in that very moment you somehow find her irresistible? You’re a hot-blooded man who has a voracious appetite for sex, and even though you love me with all your heart, you could—in that one wretched, weakening moment—let your guard down because the need to have a warm body is just so enticing. What happens then, Dimi? I’m all the way over here, and I can’t fly out to see you every time you feel horny. So, what happens if that moment comes about?”
She seemed as if she was merely asking herself if she would forgive me if such outrageousness did ever occur.
“Do you trust me at all, Lindsey?” I was starting to doubt where her head was at the moment. She was being unreasonable, as if my explanation wasn’t enough. It was almost like she believed every piece of gossip printed out there about me yet never believed anything I told her.
Watching her now, the easily read desolation and distrust in her eyes ate at my conscience. What had I ever done to deserve being so unworthy in her eyes? All I had ever done was love her, even if she pushed me away, even if she spouted lies that she didn’t want me at all. Even then, I had still pursued her because I was a hopeless man, uncaring that I was being gutted alive. What mattered was that I wanted her, in all ways I could get her.
Her deep sense of loathing towards me hadn’t mattered, because I had thought my love was profound enough to secure us a happy future. I had fought long and hard just to have her, and now that I did, I was faced with the horror of not being sure how long it would last.
It was mystifying to admit that I didn’t fully have her to come home to after a hard day’s work. The loneliness that greeted me every day when I got home had been difficult to face because all I ever wanted was to see her.
My weekly campaign of enticing her to live with me in Athens had been consistently crushed by her never-ending excuses. As much as I hated suffering not having her in my daily life, I’d rather endure that than not have her at all. Life was better, even if I saw her a mere day or two once a month or whenever our schedules allowed us the opportunity.
However, the knowledge that she didn’t trust me enough to reject Claudine or any woman’s sexual advances truly offended me and belittled everything I believed she and I had together.
“You don’t,” I whispered, feeling as if she had just thrown everything we had down the drain. Everything she and I had been through had culminated into this very moment, and I was bloody alarmed where the conversation was treading.
“What am I supposed to do?” She looked miserable, fighting the tears at bay, embracing herself as if she needed extra comfort and protection.
“Well, for one, you could start with giving me a little trust. I have never cheated on you, and I don’t want to start now. It’s either you trust me or you don’t, and you not responding simply answers everything I wanted to know.” I was almost barking at her, infuriated that she would question my loyalty. It hadn’t been me who walked out on her. It had been her all along. Every time we’d parted, it had been her who had pushed me away. Therefore, this … this was fucking unfounded.
The seconds ticked away as I attempted to hang on to my last thread of sanity with all my might, yet she still remained mum, as though she had already made up her mind. Why did she keep doing this to herself? To me? To us? Had we not suffered enough?
“If you think I’m a sick bastard who likes to fuck around, then we might as well end this. We’ve been through a merry-go-round of hell, and I’m not going to spin for a second round of that bullshit.”
She immediately looked alarmed and frantic, as if she hadn’t expected what I had just told her. “You can’t do that. We love each other! You just can’t leave and throw everything away!” she threw accusingly at me while almost charging towards me when I pulled my phone from my pocket, snatching it from my grip at a speedy rate and holding it hostage.
Angrily glancing at my phone, she hid it behind her before giving me a warning look, but I wasn’t having it. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe she and I needed some breathing room; we could talk before I left for Athens. As of right then, however, I would rather be back in my hotel room before we said any more damaging things to each other.
“Give that back so I can leave. I’ll speak to you tonight, when we’re both not so heated and exhausted.” I tried to reason with her, but she was a woman who didn’t seek reason. Lindsey wasn’t a reasonable woman, and I despised that side of her.
“If you leave now, everything you just told me about how much you want to be with me doesn’t count for anything. If you leave, we’re never going to fix this. Claudine won’t stop until she has you again; can’t you see that? She’s going to secure herself back into your life. Whether as a friend, business partner, or in any way she can place herself there, she won’t stop until she has ruined us.”
“The only thing that’s hindering us right this instant is your warped thinking. If I had wanted to have Claudine as my mistress while I called you every day to tell you that I love you, I would’ve done so already. I know Claudine, and she wouldn’t protest if I took liberties with her body. In fact, she always persists that I do, but I don’t! And I don’t ever want to, because I don’t want to fuck any other cunt that’s out there. Is that so wrong of me, Lindsey? That it’s you I dream of fucking until I’m weak in the knees?” She was pushing me to the edge of madness, and I couldn’t hold back anymore.
“Your love … You talk about your love!” I spat with vengeance. “Well, your love isn’t unconditional. It has limitations. What happens with another month of us fighting this way? What are you going to do when you’re feeling vindictive again?” I gave a harsh laugh, knowing how scornful she could become. “Yes, that fanciful, bitchy side of yours that drove me almost to kill myself; what will you do next, Lindsey? Are you going to punish me and pull another Brody on me?”
“Am I that pathetic in your eyes, Dimi?” Her tears flowed, wounded from my hateful words.
Although her tears had once been my weakness, she had pushed me to my limits. She needed to know—understand—that her goading and baiting for such a vile discussion didn’t come without a price.
“I’m basing my opinion from your past actions. It’s hard to tame you. And I admit, though I trust you with my life, in the back of my mind, I do fear that you might leave when things become tougher for us.” It would only become tougher from here on out. Most especially after tonight, after revealing such thoughts that made me feel like she had betrayed me once more.
“Marry me …”
I stilled, glancing at her as if she had lost her bloody mind. “I beg your pardon?”
Dark brown eyes filled with sadness gazed at me, simply begging my heart. “I said marry me. Then these trust issues will disappear, on both parts.”
“No—” I detested everything she had just said. “Hell no we’re not going to get married, most especially for those selfish reasons. I absolutely will not let that happen.” Never would I succumb to my heart again. This time, I had to think with my brain. She and I … marriage? Bloody mighty hell. Certainly not.
She appeared as though she was trying to keep from breaking down in to crying full on. Wiping her tears away, she rested a knuckle against where her heart lay. “Is that hell no because you don’t plan to marry at all, or is it hell no because you don’t deem me enough to become your wife?”
“Become my wife again you mean?”
“Yes.”
I had chosen her. I had given her the privilege as my wife, my prominent familial name, yet she had walked away from it all without remorse.
She hadn’t fought the divorce, even after I had begged her to stay. What did she do? She walked away, not caring enough to look back. She had gone straight to Brody’s bed. Twice. I had been so blinded by the immense need of her I had no reservations at all to let her come back. However, this time, things were truly different.
Why couldn’t she see that marriage wouldn’t solve anything? She and I knew that firsthand. Marriage meant nothing to her other than to bind me to her She herself didn’t believe in it, so why bring matrimony into this? It was truly offensive.
“First of all, you are not in the right mind to get married. It’s not that I don’t deem you enough, but let’s be honest here, Linds. Our marriage was a laugh—if one could even call it such. It was a joke, so please, drop any talks of marriage. It’s really unbecoming.”
“But you were ready to marry Claudine,” she argued, blinded by tears.
Where did I even begin with this?
“Claudine was different. My situation with her is nothing like ours. Lindsey, I beg of you, please stop before you push us both into doing something that we’ll regret in the morning.”
She was softly sobbing now. “You don’t ever plan to marry me, do you?”
Well, what the bloody hell?
“That is a tricky question that I don’t plan to fall into.” Why had marriage suddenly become so important to her? I didn’t get her. She was up and down with her emotions. It was startling.
“There’s no need to lie or even deny it. Just say it like it is. I’m a big girl. I can handle it. So be honest with me. Do you ever plan to see us married … two, three, five, ten, fifteen years from today?”
“No. I had accepted that you and I would forever be together without being bound by marriage, only our love to each other. So, no, marriage isn’t in our future.”
I had never seen such a sad smile until that very moment. However, I must tell her the truth. My love hadn’t diminished, and hopefully, she’d see that marriage wasn’t important to us.
“I think you’re right. Let’s talk tomorrow night. I need some time to myself, if you don’t mind.” She gave me a pleading look before she excused herself to the bathroom. In there, I could hear her soft sobs.
As I stood here, being shattered by the sounds of her cries, I contemplated if I should go in there to try to sooth her wounds. I somehow stood my ground, though, knowing it was for the better. Her grounds for marriage weren’t because she was so in love with me; it was because she didn’t trust me with Claudine. What man wouldn’t find that offensive?
It was insulting that she could freely throw the words marriage into the mix when she was afraid I would stray. It was rather laughable that this woman, who I had fought so hard to have, still needed reassurance that I wouldn’t hurt her the way she had me.
I would do anything not to hear her cry, but giving in to her idea of marriage was pure and utter lunacy.
Chapter 7
Lindsey
“No. I had accepted that you and I would forever be together without being bound by marriage, only our love to each other. So, no, marriage isn’t in our future.”
Where in the world will I go from here? I thought as I cried on the bathroom floor. His words whirled in my head, each and every one as if it was venom to my heart.
It was my fault. I was the only one to blame. Regardless, his obvious rejection to marriage with me was something I hadn’t seen coming. I mean, I hadn’t planned on proposing marriage that way. Of course I had been thinking about it, daydreaming for that very day to happen again; however, I had never considered it was I who would be proposing, let alone blurting it out as a mere suggestion.
What truly got to me was the fact that he had simply thought it all out, never letting on that he wasn’t planning to ever marry again. Like marriage to me was such a blasted thing that he’d rather slit his own throat than walk down the aisle with me once more.
The way he had said it—the expression in those eyes that I loved so much, that pure utter horror that bore so vividly in those depths—truly was a revelation of its own.
I had never thought I would value marriage this much until the option of it wasn’t part of the equation. Furthermore, even though he was adamant about not wanting it with me, I would still hold out that someday he would. I had no other choice than to believe in this, because if I didn’t, there was no future for us. I had to trust that, no matter what happened between us, he would still come home to me after our tumultuous fights. That it would be me he thought of last before he slept at night. That it would be me he always belonged to.
I had never deemed myself so possessive that I would readily put marriage on the table, but like I had promised myself before, I would do anything to keep him with me. No matter the cost.
By the time I came out of the bathroom, Dimitris was gone. As much as it pained me not to see him there, I knew it was for the best he left for the mean time. Our conversation had spiraled out of control, and he and I needed breathing room to regroup.
Hopefully, when we saw each other again, we would come to terms with everything. Okay, maybe not everything, but at least make some vital progress that would satisfy us both. He was supposed to leave the day after tomorrow; therefore, time was of the essence.
Setting aside the jealous side of me would take will power, but I knew I must for us to reach some sort of understanding. I loved him. It was that simple.
*
Although sleep evaded me, I managed to get enough to feel a little rested when I finally dragged myself out of bed to go see my dear brother.
My chest felt like a boulder was pressing against it, making it hard to breathe. However, I pasted on a happy face the moment I entered Carter’s room. The day wasn’t about me, but him and his recovery. I was convinced his hankering for alcohol wasn’t the problem. The underlying difficulty was his determination to move on from his heartbreak. It was moments like these that I wished he would go back to his man-whore ways. Sure, it was such a blasted thing to wish for, but heck, I would rather see him bouncing between women than pale in a hospital bed, looking like death was knocking on his doorstep. Anything … any-fucking-thing but that.
When I got to the hospital, even before I entered the room, I knew Trista and Amber along with Brody were all already there. Trista’s high-pitched voice was so distinct it was hard not to smile just thinking of the kind of lecture Carter would be getting from her. She gave tough love, and I adored her for it.
Sometimes, when I thought my problems were too overpowering, I looked at my lovely friend and realized what I had gone through barely compared to her trials. She had endured losing her brother, distanced herself from her family when she’d had an affair with her cousin’s husband, lost her baby through termination, went through one of the darkest paths a woman could ever go through, and she had still come out after all those hurdles a sane woman. True, her boyfriend Taylor could account for always pushing her to be a better woman, but it was her—the woman within. The kind of power she was harboring made her plow through each difficulty with every fiber of her being. Though she might be dying inside, she still pushed on and never gave up.
I can be her. I can be just as strong as her, I reassured myself as I tried to compose my breathing with my fake smile in place.
“Lindsey, I’ve been hounding your phone all morning. Why haven’t you answered?” Trista gave me a censuring look before coming towards me and giving me the most comforting hug a best friend could ever give. I lavished in her warmth, hoping she’d transfer some of her strength and fire, for what was to come when I saw Dimitris that evening. If I ever saw him …
Returning her hug, I whispered, “I was in a hurry and never had the chance to take it out of my purse. Sorry, but I’m here now. Thank you for being here.” My smile, though weak, showed my gratitude for her undying support. “Has he woken?” I glanced at Trista before directing Brody a look.
His face brightened when our eyes connected. “He did for about thirty minutes, but aft
er he drank some water, he went back to sleep. He said he’s never felt this shitty in his life.” He barked out a dry laugh, finding humor in such a grave situation.
Carter’s comments assured me that he was getting better. He just needed more IV fluids to hydrate his body and to recuperate more since his body had gone through such a shock. Most of all, what was his deal with the perfumes? I would address that when the right time came. Sure, the alcohol poisoning was troublesome, but perfumes? That was some Dr. Oz material right there. That action proved he was in a deeply severe mental state, and we had to fix that before he tried something even more drastic. That wouldn’t happen on my watch.
“Hey, Linds …” Amber reluctantly glanced at me. “I’m on my way out to get some coffee; do you want any?”
It was another attempt for her trying to branch the massive gap that was sitting between us. Usually, I ignored her complete existence, but maybe it was the draining fight I had with Dimitris the previous night that made me soften towards her.
I didn’t have an ounce of a fight in me, and to be honest, I was emotionally depleted thinking about what my future entailed with Dimi. Maybe it was time to move forward. What had happened to Carter was evidence that we were all fragile beings. We could die tomorrow, and we’d always carry regrets that weighed heavily on our hearts. I couldn’t go on that way; it was grueling to hate everyone who had done me wrong.
“Yes, I’d love one. Thank you,” I said politely before taking the same chair I had used the night before.
“I’ll swing out with Amber since I need to make some important calls before I head out to the children’s wing to say good morning to a few of my babies,” Trista grinned while she referred to the kids in the cancer ward where she volunteered.
“Ummm, one more thing, sweet cakes …” She gave me a skeptical look, one I had gotten to know well. One that usually didn’t have good news. “Emma’s going to be in the vicinity in about ten minutes. I don’t know, but I feel like I have to ask you first. Should I tell her about Carter? I’m not sure if these two are talking or what the what, you know? It’s so complicated, and she’s … you know.” She meant pregnant, though she didn’t want to say it out loud because Brody was there, and also, there might be a chance my brother would come out of his unconsciousness when he found out his one and only was with child again.