by Pamela Ann
Fuck. Fuck. Triple Fuckity fuck! Just my luck.
Rooted to the spot, I didn’t bother turning around. I was too much of a coward to look into those bright blue eyes. I knew without having to look into them that they would bear great hurt and maybe also a little accusation. I’d rather stay this way, gazing into the fallen darkness of the night, playing oblivious to what he had just witnessed.
“I didn’t know you were coming. You should’ve text or called me.”
“So that I’d miss out on the nice display of you getting cozy with your lover? I think not.” He made a dry laugh, not bothering to hide his obvious sarcasm. “I went to see your brother, and he told me you left to go home, but when I got to your house, Trista and Amber said you all left together with Brody. When your pretty little self couldn’t be found, I had to retrace my steps, wondering where you’ve been. When I drove back here and spotted your parked car, yet you were nowhere to be found … Well, you can guess that I didn’t have to wait long until you two showed up, appearing as if you were being torn apart. Should I even bother to ask where you’ve been, Lindsey?”
I knew what he was getting at, but he was so wrong.
“I know it appears as though something’s going on, but it’s not like that at all. We had a talk, and I was trying to convince him to move on,” I shakily said, hoping he’d believe me.
“All right, if you say so, then it is so,” he murmured noncommittally. “Well, this trip was rather a waste of time and purely unproductive. I’m here to bid you farewell so I can be with the people that love and care for me during this splendid holiday celebration.”
Wait…
“You’re leaving?” I spun around to face him, alarmed that he was leaving without even trying to convince me to go with him to Athens anymore. “Did you just decide that after you saw me with Brody, or had you made this decision prior to even coming here to see me?” You can’t just leave me. Not like this, not after last night. We still have a lot to talk about.” Shaking my head, I pleaded with him, feeling at a loss when I saw how distant he was.
He looked indifferent, his eyes as cold as the Arctic. “What is there to discuss? You don’t want to move to Athens, and I can’t move here, because my business is in Greece. So, I guess we’ll continue on … with this.”
No …
“Can’t you stay for a little while longer? Even just for tonight?” Slowly walking up to him, my shaky hand tried to reach for his chest, but it fell away in my fear to even touch him. “I’m sorry that you had to see that, and I’m sorry I can’t be with you in Athens, but please, don’t leave like this. If you do, we might end up fighting more, and then this rift—this massive black hole of a space that’s sitting between us—will get worse. And I don’t want to lose you. We’ve fought so hard to get here, so please, give me tonight; then you can leave first thing in the morning.”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible.”
“That’s a lie. You know it is! How often have I requested this of you, and you always managed to do it without hesitation?” I could feel my heart palpitate, leaving me breathless. “This is the first time you’ve said no to me … after we got back together.”
He let out an insufferable sound, as if he wasn’t sure what to say next. “I’ll be in New York a week after New Year’s. If you can fly out to see me at that time, then we’ll talk. I need to clear my head and so do you. Maybe it’s time we reevaluate what we both need and want from each other. And, since I can’t offer you what you want, maybe you really need to think long and hard, consider your options and see if enduring this relationship is worth it anymore.”
“I don’t have anything to reevaluate. I want to be with you,” I frantically said before I reached out to his chest, bunching my fists as I tugged on his shirt. “Stop saying these things, Dimi. You’re hurting me too much.” Why wasn’t he trying to listen to me or at least giving me the opportunity to explain without fearing that he would immediately shut me down? I knew he was angry; I knew him too well to buy this indifferent side of him. “If you’re making this an excuse to break-up with me, please say so. Just don’t play me for a fool, using whatever excuses and justifications you can find because you don’t want to be with me. I’m not sure where you are after last night, but if this is your reaction after my accidental marriage proposal, then tell me so I won’t have to expect anything from you.” I wasn’t sure where I was going with this, but I knew I wanted him to be honest with me.
“I’m sorry. I truly am, but I have to go.”
He seemed adamant to leave, so I slowly released my hands from his once pristine black dress shirt. I merely shook my head before retreating my steps, forlorn and truly defeated.
“Lindsey!” he yelled when I was a few feet away from him, but I didn’t want to look back. What was the point? He had made his position crystal clear.
Wiping my tears away, I reached into my purse to retrieve my keys and pressed the unlock button.
“Lindsey!” Although I could hear him again, I wasn’t paying heed. Instead, I merely shook my head, blatantly ignoring him before I slid inside the safe confines of my car.
It wasn’t over, yet it felt like it was nearing. Neither of us was ready to say it—to fully end it between us—but I felt it. He didn’t have to confirm anything. I knew he intended for New York to be our last meeting. That had been him standing his ground.
Funny how I had thought it would be Claudine to break us apart when it was him and his opinion of me. He didn’t believe in me—that I’d changed, that I wasn’t the irrational woman who wrecked his heart.
It was too late. My love had come too late to save us both.
Chapter 11
Lindsey
A distinct sound of a glass being tapped, making that thunk thunk noise¸ snapped me out of my hazy funk. Sniffing as I cocked my head to the side, I wasn’t surprised to find him still trying to get my attention.
I thought he was leaving for the airport; what was he doing stalling? Was he trying to make me even more miserable than I already was?
Sighing, I barely cracked the window down enough to hear him. “Did you forget to tell me something?” I tried to sound as normal as possible yet failed immensely because my tear ducts weren’t cooperating.
I was a wreck, and I had no control over my emotions anymore. I knew I would regret it the next day, but the hard devil-may-care woman was no longer me. Dimitris had truly broken me, and there was no going back from that.
“You’re distraught, and I don’t want you driving in this state. Let me drive you home. As for your car, if you hand me your keys, I’ll have someone deliver them to your house tonight.”
He was the one who had made me distraught and then he cares? Well tough.
“I’m fine,” I argued, not meeting his eyes while gripping the wheel with both hands. “I can drive fine, so don’t worry about me. You can go now. I don’t want to delay you any longer.”
He growled, clearly irritated. “Lindsey, give me the bloody keys!” He tried to yank the door open, but it was securely locked, which only got him more aggravated.
I shrugged, past caring that he was angry. It was rather sad and pitiful that this was the only way I got a reaction from him.
After the previous night’s rejection, he had been pushing me away, and then, when he saw me despondent, he suddenly cared? If something were to happen to me, say I got into an accident, he didn’t want that on his conscience, did he? Well, I didn’t want to detain him any longer. He could very well be on his way to Greece and be with the people who loved and adored him. I was sure Claudine was included in that close-knit circle.
“I have to go. I’ll see you in New York.” Not bothering to look at him, I started the engine, getting him even more riled up.
“I swear to the bloody gods, Lindsey, if you drive this bloody thing—”
“What?” I shrilled at him. “It’s not as if you want me, do you? Maybe we can both end this miserable relationship the way my mother
killed hers with my father. You fucking push me whenever it suits you. Maybe I’m just fucking sick of being called a fucking whore by your fucking people!” The last bit came out as a surprise. I kept telling myself I hadn’t care, but clearly I did. It was just one too many things I kept telling myself that didn’t matter. My self-delusion seemed endless.
Maybe Dimitris’s love was my own delusional making, too. Who fucking knew anymore? I was cracking, and there was no way of stopping it. I felt off my rockers, ready to detonate any second. God help me for whatever I said or did next.
I had never seen him so vexed until tonight, and for some insane reason, I wanted to get away from him. Seeing his face and how callous he had been minutes before merely reminded me of what Brody had spoken about in the coffee shop, and I wasn’t ready to deal with that.
Taking another hasty swipe of my wet face, I pulled out of the parking lot, driving as if cops were on my tail. I had never drifted through traffic at such a speedy rate. One would think I raced cars for a living. It was irresponsible and negligent, yet I had never felt freer. Was this why Mom had done it? Because it was an easy way out of her problems? It wasn’t as if I was truly contemplating suicide. No, of course not. However, being in this position made one think of crazy things, and I could easily see why someone would choose the reckless route out of their perdition.
It was rather surprising, given the tight leash cops had around the folks of Santa Barbara, that no one stopped me. I was going over a hundred at one point, and in the back of my head, I was waiting for the loud siren and the red flashing lights to come after me, yet the coast was clear. Guess today isn’t going to end with a loud bang, I derisively thought. I mean, after the kind of day I’d had, I was wishing for a person to say “cut” like they did in movies, because this kind of shit-cakes didn’t just happen, thumping one problem after the other without pause, except in overly dramatic movies. But, hey, given how my life had been as of late, one could make it into a film. It was definitely filled with enough angst and drama to capture Hollywood’s attention.
I could just imagine the horror of the Greek population if I “sold” my story that way, though. They’d probably hire a bounty hunter because I had disgraced one of their finest Greeks. Oh well. As they all stated in those vile newspaper articles, I was a whore, a cheater, a man stealer, anything along the lines of disgusting; therefore, they could all go fuck themselves, thank you very much.
The moment my house came into view, I gunned the gas pedal harder, past caring that I was over the residential speed limit of twenty-five miles per hour to almost five times that until I hit the driveway, drastically parking behind Trista’s Mercedes. I felt like a possessed woman as I yanked at my purse then exited the car, slamming the door shut with all my might.
Three steps in, I could hear Dimitris’s car screeching to a halt behind me. Suddenly, my legs felt shaky. For him to chase after me after he had persisted that he was about to fly out of the country … Well, it couldn’t be good. The sound of the powerful engine itself gave away how incensed the driver was. Oh. Fucking. Well.
I was counting until I heard the car door open and close, my heart jumping from every sound he made.
“Do you plan to fucking kill yourself, Lindsey? Have you no care for how recklessly dangerous you were driving in heavy traffic?”
Spinning around to face him, I didn’t let his livid demeanor faze me. I simply gazed at him, waiting for him to get out whatever it was that was bothering him. Gripping my leather purse handle as I panted heavily, I took in his wild eyes as he charged at me.
“Have you nothing to say, woman?” he demanded, uncaring that he was bellowing so loud the neighbors could very well hear the drama unfolding without trying. “What’s gotten into you?” he almost spat in my face. “Have you lost your bloody mind? Or are you trying to punish me because I didn’t want to marry you? That’s it, isn’t it?”
“Go home,” I said as calmly as I could, not wanting to lose it out on the street. “I’ll see you in New York.” Giving him a cutting last glance, I dismissed him by calmly walking away from him, heading towards the entrance of the house.
I had barely cracked the door open when I heard Trista’s voice. “Dude, the Greek God’s been scouring for you. Where the fuck—OH!” She paused, giving me a shocked look before her eyes landed on the space behind me, and then she scuttled away towards the stairs and into her bedroom.
Wise girl. She knew what trouble looked like, and it practically defined me right that instant.
So he decided to follow me inside, I thought heatedly. Great. Just great. It wasn’t like I had any armor left to keep taking shots. If he planned to lecture me about my driving skills, he could shove it back to where it came from. Any more talks about marriage, Claudine, Brody, or my past actions would send me off my rockers, which left us with nothing to talk about, really. I didn’t even bother going to my bedroom, deciding to confront him right out there in the open.
“What do you want from me, Lindsey?” his voice came out eerie, like he was pushed to the limits by my actions. He probably was.
“You,” I readily said before facing his grim face. “I just want you.”
“You have me—you know you do—but what you’re asking of me,” he paused, letting out a short breath before saying, “it’s just not conceivable. You can’t rebel each time you don’t agree with me. A functional relationship doesn’t work like that. What you did just now—you frightened me, Lindsey! You can’t act like a spoiled child and not consider the consequences of your actions. Grow up, or the people that care around you won’t survive long.”
“I’m sorry. You just…” I frowned, blatantly frustrated with him. “After what happened with Carter and you announcing that you’re leaving a day early… I just wanted to be with you a little while longer. It kills me to know you’re easily accessible to Claudine. I want you—all of you—and these little moments you have with her … it’s driving me crazy with jealousy. You’re mine, and I expected more from you. What happened to that promise you made me when you came here months ago, that you’d do everything in your power to have me in your life? What happened to that promise, Dimi? It’s not even about the marriage anymore, it’s Claudine. I hate whatever it is that you two have.”
“I don’t have anything with her, Lindsey. How often do I have to tell you that?” he ground out then gripped his hair while shutting his beautiful eyes. When he gradually opened them, they landed on me with such intensity that I felt his gaze pulling me in. “If you’re so worried about her, then why don’t you come be with me? You can continue your studies, and I’ll work and lessen my travels so you and I can have more time together. This jealousy you have, knowing that you and I live apart; this is going to break us. I can already feel it. It’s going to drive us both away,” he warned, though not giving me enough options.
“You know I can’t just leave my life here. That’s absurd! The only solution that I can think of is you cutting that French whore out of your life for good! Who cares if she’s crying a river, bawling her eyes out because she felt publicly humiliated and rejected by you resuming your relationship with a past lover—better yet, your ex-wife? Why do you care so much about what happens to her? What about me? Don’t you care that you’re relationship with her is driving me crazy?”
“I’ve addressed this subject with you already. I can’t stress it enough—I owe Claudine. She’s not a whore, Lindsey; she’s just a woman who’s having a hard time dealing with disappointment after I bought her a ring and led her on for so long.”
“You bought a ring?” I paused, flabbergasted. Had he disclosed this information before, or was this the first time I had heard of it? The days leading in and after we became a couple again were such a blur because I had been living in a blissful world full of hope. Maybe I had neglected to take into account what he had confessed then. I remembered he said a lot of things, but I was so distracted that none of them mattered. Well, they do now, I thought belatedly.
Everything mattered whenever that woman was concerned.
He gave me a deadpan look, gravely pondering.
“Where’s this ring that you meant to give her?” I pressed on, paling at the thought that he took time in his busy schedule to go over to a jewelers and choose a ring befitting his bride. Nothing spelled out intimacy like a man going over engagement rings, and I felt like I was dying, emotionally eviscerated.
He walked a few steps, gazing out a window that overlooked the street. “It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. What we should be discussing is how to solve this jealousy problem you have from here on out. The past is the past. You and I can’t keep dwelling on that unless we want to keep rehashing our faults, which can only lead to us parting,” he murmured almost to himself yet loud enough for me to hear. “Unless, of course, this is what you’re aiming at. If your cozy relationship with Brody has resumed, then I wish you luck.”
This wasn’t going anywhere. Thinking quickly, I made a hasty decision, hoping it would be enough to solve whatever was going on between us. “If you’re okay with it, I hope you don’t mind if I join you in Greece instead of meeting in New York? I want to see if it’s possible for me to take a semester off. I have to speak to my councilor, but if she gives me the green light, I’ll be spending three months with you, give or take.”
“Don’t do something that you’ll end up regretting.”
Giving up on him, on us, it was the only thing I knew I would regret. Besides, it was my life. I needed to see where he and I could go with this. Hopefully, it would be enough time to rebuild whatever it was that we had lost or what we didn’t have in the first place. Trust was one of the main issues we had before, and perhaps it was high time one of us compromised and fixed it.
Shaking my head, my heart suddenly felt lighter, giving a signal that my decision was the best one—the right one to make. “I normally don’t do these things, not for anyone, but it’s you. And you’re everything to me. Maybe it’s my turn to give you what you want, even if it’s only a temporary solution.”