by Quinn, Taryn
Add in the five hours of sleep I’d managed to get—thank you, Baby Orajel—and I was ready for a nap with the kiddo. Lily, however, had no such plans for sleep. Plus, she needed another bath thanks to her abject failure with finger food.
Emma had loved Spaghetti-Os. I remember her being just as covered in them when I helped my mom with lunch time.
I blinked back the quick prick of tears. It was times like this that made me miss my mom the most.
The fact that I was sure I had a picture of Emma in a similar state as Lily made me grab my phone off the counter and catch it for posterity. Maybe Asher would enjoy seeing it. I stuffed my phone into my back pocket and reached for the baby wipes I had at the ready. “You, my little princess, are a hot mess.” I started with her hand and picked noodles out of her fist with the first wipe. “My goodness. What would your dad say?”
“He’d say, what the hell happened to my kitchen?”
I spun around, the smashed pasta smearing across my apron. “Asher, hi.” My heart picked up speed as I quickly turned back to Lily. “Oh, this is nothing. You should see what she did with peas yesterday.” I moved to the side. “Say hi, Lily Patch.”
Her delighted squeal filled me with joy. She was truly the cutest baby.
When I glanced back at Asher, instead of the soft smile I usually found on his face, he was frowning. Exhaustion dug brackets along both sides of his distractible mouth. He was still wearing his aviator sunglasses and his scarlet tie was askew.
“How was your trip?”
“Fine.”
My spine tingled. His voice was tight. “You caught us right in the middle of crazy lunchtime. She’s discovering the glory of—”
“Processed food? Is that what you’re feeding her? What you’ll be feeding our baby?”
“Excuse me?” I dropped the baby wipe I was using. Lily immediately picked it up off the tray and stuck it in her mouth. Her sweet laughter turned to instant tears at the taste of the light soap in the material. “Dammit,” I muttered as I unlocked the tray to unbuckle her.
“What happened to my kitchen?”
“I was working on my meals for my business. I was just about to clean up when your daughter decided to fling her food. So, yeah, I was a little backed up on the dishes.”
“Your sole job should be taking care of Lily. That’s what I pay you for.”
I hugged Lily tighter to me. I knew he wasn’t this guy deep down. He was too good with Lily—and with me when he let himself relax—but right now, he was the rigid Asher who made me want to pack my stuff and run.
“This agreement only works as long as we both are happy with it. What am I supposed to do when that is no longer the case?”
His jaw locked. “You’re truly that unhappy?”
There. The flash of fear made me want to hug both of them to me and never let go. But I was still me. I’d pushed aside everything I needed before to be the rock for someone. Two someones—and it was happening all over again.
Guilt swamped me, even as my spine stiffened. I couldn’t let him railroad me. Lily was the most important person in all of this.
And our child.
“I’m not just a mom, Asher. I’m not even totally a mom yet and I know that. I want more. I’m always going to want more. It’s okay for you to have a career and not me?”
“I never said that.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “You’re the most capable woman I know.”
Lily tucked her face into my neck, her cries subsiding as I swayed with her. “Then don’t come in here with that attitude and take out your crappy day on me.”
His face closed off. “Don’t claim to know what’s going on with my day.”
“Why would I? You just come in here with a scowl instead of coming to see her. She missed you last night.”
He tipped back his head.
I knew it was a direct hit. I also knew it was a shitty thing to say when he was exhausted, but I just didn’t care. I was tired of his crap.
I was pretty much tired of everything.
“I have to get her cleaned up.” Lily reached out a hand for him as we walked by. I couldn’t hold her away from him. It wasn’t fair. To his credit, he didn’t shrink away from her sticky fingers. He leaned down and kissed her chubby little hand, and his scent made me want to lean into him to let him hug me. To make me feel a little bit better. And that was far too dangerous.
I couldn’t count on anyone but me. Watching everyone walk away from me reminded me of that every damn day.
“I’m sorry, Hannah. I would never belittle your work. I just don’t want you to think you have to work. You, Lily, and our baby are all that’s important to me.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.” My voice was raspy with emotion. I knew he meant it, but he sucked at showing it unless I cornered him.
Before he could say anything else, I escaped the kitchen and headed upstairs. Lily’s lower lip trembled, but she didn’t make a sound. She only clutched me tighter. “I’m sorry, little one. He just makes me crazy.”
By the end of her bath, she was laughing once more. I took a little extra time to play with her with the tub soap I’d picked up. The foam was colored and stuck to the tiles until I rinsed it away. Keeping her in the tub seat was growing more difficult. Independence was her middle name. I used the low flow setting and rinsed her off as well as the walls.
We were both giggling by the time I bundled her up in her turtle hoodie towel, then we played on the new mat that Asher had bought for her. I couldn’t wait to put it down until he got back. Not with her level of acrobatics and urge to climb.
I was forever worried I’d come in too late and she’d break an arm or her freaking neck.
But this time with her? The afternoons where we sat and read half a dozen books? This was our favorite time. Her fluffy reddish-brown hair was getting curlier by the day, and her eyes were so often wide with fascination.
She’d burrowed inside my heart so quickly. The place she’d made would be hers forever, I was sure.
She curled in close, her thumb in her mouth. She wasn’t a thumbsucker by nature, but when she was tired, it seemed to be the first thing she looked for. I read Winnie the Pooh to her for the third time and didn’t make it through the story before both of us were asleep.
I woke to Asher slipping the baby out of my hold. I was so exhausted I’d fallen asleep sitting up. His soft singsong voice almost immediately soothed Lily back to sleep.
If I was smart, I would’ve told him to wake her. When she napped too much in the afternoon, it was impossible to get her to go to bed, but they were so sweet together that I couldn’t pull the trigger on sense.
He set her down and leaned over the crib rail, his large hand stroking her back with such gentleness that my chest tightened. When he backed away and turned to me, it was almost as if he was embarrassed to be caught tending to her. But then he reached his hand out to me and helped me to my feet.
Instead of letting me go, he drew me closer, touching his forehead to mine. He always seemed to smell of leather and ink, a soothing combination of old and new.
As his large hand smoothed over my back, there was a distinctly different flavor to the emotions rolling through me.
Sweet Asher was something I didn’t quite know how to deal with. That he did such a quick and distinct turn into the physical man I still dreamed about left me breathless. He didn’t ask for anything more than closeness. The air was charged between us and I didn’t think I would have said no if he’d leaned down and kissed me.
The indecision swirled in his hazel eyes, but then he brushed a soft kiss over my temple and slipped away from me.
I was about to chase after him to ask what the hell I was supposed to do with these feelings when Lily stirred. Asher paused in the doorway, but I waved him off and scooped her up. We’d slept most of the afternoon away.
And my schedule was now a hot mess.
I got her dressed and we went into the hall. I shook my head
at the closed door to Asher’s office. “Come on, little girl. Time to pack up dinners for Gabby to pick up.”
After we went downstairs to the kitchen, instead of finding a mess, I discovered Asher had done all the dishes. He’d even put them away. Frankly, I was shocked he knew where they went. Then again, I’d find out just how little he knew when I went looking for pots and pans.
But it was the thought that counted. And he’d saved me about thirty minutes of cleanup.
I dragged in the pack and play from the living room and set Lily up with her favorite toys as was our routine. She was an avid fan of Harry Styles and Taylor Swift, which was the brunt of my current favorite playlist. Sometimes a woman just needed some angst and happily ever afters mixed together.
The rest of the day was a blur. Gabby didn’t have enough time for a visit, so it was just the two of us for the duration of the day. Asher didn’t even come down for dinner. Then again, I didn’t go up and invite him down.
But we had a schedule and he knew it. At least that was what I kept telling myself when I was cleaning strained carrots off of Lily’s face.
Maybe it was just as well he’d stayed locked away. It was probably for the best we stayed to our own spaces for a bit.
I left a wrapped plate on the counter for Asher and went upstairs to do our nighttime routine. For once, Lily went down without any issue.
At a loss with what to do with myself, I tried to curl into the chair in my bedroom with my journal. It had become more of a work and recipes catch-all these days, but it wasn’t holding my interest as it usually did. I was restless in the extreme. Part of me wanted to march down to Asher’s office and ask him what the hell was going on between us, but the other half of me didn’t really want to know.
Answers meant I’d have to face all this…stuff. Raising a baby with a man I barely knew but ached for. A traitorous body that was growing a human but didn’t really feel that different.
In all of the baby books I was reading, they talked about changes and hormones and so many different aspects of pregnancy. Me? I just wanted to strip down to nothing at night. Spring fever or pregnancy? Who was to say?
I hadn’t had nausea since the first day. For all I knew, that could’ve been nerves.
Sore boobs and increased sex drive were the only signs I could really identify with. I didn’t even know if that was because of being pregnant or having good sex that I hadn’t realized I’d been missing.
I couldn’t settle all evening. In the end, the only thing that sounded good to me was ice cream.
I peered down the hallway. Both Asher’s bedroom and office doors were shut. Well, his upstairs office. He also had a library downstairs, a room I tended to love to hide out in. I didn’t want to analyze if he was working more upstairs to leave me to the library.
Some things were better left alone.
I slipped out, my robe swishing around me as I sneaked down the stairs. The lights were off, so I knew Asher had finally gone down for something to eat sometime between Lily’s bedtime and mine.
I went right for the freezer. “Where are you?” I whispered as I dug deeper into the bottom freezer drawer of the fridge. I knew I’d stashed a half gallon of peanut butter fudge.
“Looking for this, perhaps?”
I screeched and whirled around. My heart skipped as I shoved the drawer closed. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
The quick flash of white in the moonlight told me he was more amused than contrite.
“Why are you eating ice cream in the dark?”
“Could ask you the same.”
“Well, do you have another spoon?”
“No, but you can share mine.”
I crossed my arms to disguise my very braless state. I could get my own spoon, of course, but something told me to go sit with him at the little bench seating in the corner of the kitchen. The slats from the shutters left him in shadow, but there was enough light to tell me he was sitting there without a shirt.
Go back upstairs, Hannah.
Ignoring that voice was always bad for my panties. Hell, it was the reason I was in this whole situation. Yet I found myself crossing the room to sit across from him at the little table where we occasionally shared a meal. Only this felt far more intimate.
Still, I didn’t turn on the light. I liked the dark. Liked the softness between us.
Maybe we needed the cover of night to actually be civil toward one another.
“I see you were feeling a little heated tonight too?”
He glanced down at his chest. “I’ve been stuck in a suit for days. I didn’t even want to wear a damn T-shirt tonight.”
“Can’t say I mind.” I glanced down at my chipped nails. The last vestiges of my girls’ night were already fading since I did so much with my hands during the day.
God, my palms were itching to reach across the table to see if his chest was as warm as I remembered.
“Good to know you like at least part of me.”
“Feeling sorry for yourself again?”
He scraped a spoonful out ice cream out of the carton. “Never let me get away with anything, do you?”
“Well, you know you’re attractive. All hot men know they are.”
He looked up from the carton. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, so you don’t know you’re rocking a six-pack or eight-pack or whatever is going on over there?”
“Would you like a better look?”
“No. I remember.”
He didn’t say anything, but that smile was back.
“Are you going to share?”
His lips twitched, but then he held out the spoon. I’m not sure what possessed me to lean in and accept it, but he watched me very carefully slide the creamy perfection off the spoon. I may have licked my lips a little more than necessary. Maybe.
The groan that left him made me smile back. It felt good to regain a more even footing with him.
At least we were both equally crazy.
“What are you doing down here in the dark?” I asked.
His smile faded. Dammit, I couldn’t just let it be us sitting here enjoying a treat. Nope.
“Couldn’t sleep.” He scraped off another spoonful for me.
“Me neither.” I took it and the cool sweetness melted on my tongue.
“Why?”
I shrugged. “Restless. Hot. Bored. Take your pick.”
“D, all of the above?”
Another spoonful and an ice cream headache would be heading my way. When I shook my head, he ate the next one.
“What about you?”
“I have some decisions to make that I’m not all that happy about.”
“Is that why you’ve been so grumpy?”
He gave me a mercurial half-smile. “Some of it.”
“And the rest?”
His dark eyes shined in the semi-darkness. Sometimes the hazel edged toward the deepest brown shade. “Takes a lot of work to stop myself from crossing the hall every night and slipping into your bed.”
“Oh.” My heart hammered as I twisted my fingers under the table.
“I know I don’t deserve that privilege.”
I didn’t know how to react to that confessional. Not when I had a similar problem following me around. “We never had a problem with the bedroom, Asher.”
“No, we sure didn’t.”
I wasn’t exactly sure how to avoid that landmine. If we talked about naked time, there would be ice cream pooling on the table. Probably under my butt when he put me up on the table. You know, for instance.
Lord, I didn’t need to be thinking about that. I was already hot and bothered with his oh-so-male scent in the air between us. Especially mixed with my favorite ice cream of late.
“What decisions do you need to make?” I asked instead of going that road.
“Just going to ignore the hallway thing?”
“Right now? Yes.”
His stupidly long lashes swept over his cheeks, and the shadows of
the moonlight carved his angular face into even more fascinating lines. All of it mixed together to draw me closer to him—and not just for his sweet treats. His salty ones were just as alluring.
And that line of thinking was definitely going to melt the ice cream.
Instinct pushed me to take a chance. I stood and nudged him over on his side of the table. I pushed the ice cream away and took his hand. “What’s weighing on you so much?”
He swallowed but didn’t say anything.
I cupped his cheek. “Saying things in the dark makes it easier. That’s how my sisters would tell me the scariest problems they ever faced. Then again, theirs were more about how to break up with a boy.”
“Well, this is sort of a breakup.”
I braced. Was that what this was all about? He didn’t know how to let me down easy? To walk away?
“I’m thinking about stepping down from my company. At least the day to day operations.”
“What?”
That was not the angle I was expecting.
“I won’t bore you with the specifics of the publishing business, but needless to say, things are changing in a big way. I’ve been holding on to try to maintain the legacy my grandfather built. The newspaper that he loved with everything inside him. It was the most important thing to the Wainwrights and…”
“And it’s not to you?”
He bowed his head. “No.” His voice was little more than a sandpapery whisper. “I used to live for the paper, and now the only thing I love about the paper is—”
“Memories,” I finished for him.
His shoulders sagged as if my understanding helped to unburden him. “Yes.”
“Are you thinking about selling it?”
“No. No, I’d never do that. There’s far too much history there.”
“But…”
“But this is the thing I used to share with my grandfather. The paper was everything to him. It used to be the same for me.”
“What changed?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s the enormity of running everything. All the endless administration. I don’t know how he did it all.”
“Well, I’m sure he had a team. A good business is about more than who is on the masthead. I’m sure he taught you that.”