“This really makes me sad.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring you down.”
“It’s not your fault, but I just keep hoping that we’ll all be a family again. I know that sounds like some fairy tale, but I can’t help the way I feel.”
“Well, I doubt that will ever happen. Maybe it will for you, but your dad is through with me just like I’m through with him.”
Alicia didn’t say anything else, so Dillon changed the subject.
“But hey, don’t you worry about me. These are my issues, and you just hurry home so you can take care of Levi.”
“Are you okay?”
“I will be.”
“If you want to talk about this some more, I can drop by the church. I was on my way to the grocery store, but that can wait.”
“No, don’t you even think about it. I’ll be fine. I’ve been doing okay all along, and today was just a temporary setback.”
“Okay, then. You guys are still coming to my mother-in-law’s on Saturday, though, right?”
“Yep. Wouldn’t miss it. You know how I feel about my Mrs. Cunningham.”
Alicia laughed. “Yeah, and she loves her pastor, too. I know you’d rather spend the holiday with Miss Brenda, too, though.”
“I would, but she’s leaving for Dallas tomorrow to go see her daughters and grandchildren.”
“I’m so glad you have her in your life.”
“So am I. I never thought I’d find someone who cared about me the way my aunt, Susan, did, but Miss Brenda is the best.”
“Which is a huge blessing.”
“It is. Anyway, you guys have a good time tonight,” he said.
“We will. See you this weekend. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Sis.”
Dillon set his phone down, and thankfully, he felt better than he had before Alicia had called. Now, though, he thought about Porsha and contemplated sneaking over to Hoffman Estates to be with her. He’d had a rough, stressful day, and he needed her to calm his nerves. He longed for her to give him the kind of affection only she knew how to give. He wasn’t in an uproar the way he’d been before speaking to his sister, but he still needed something to help clear his thinking; something that would take his mind off his dad and the rest of his troubles. Hoffman Estates wasn’t even a full hour away, so he could get there in no time. He would, of course, have to think of a good story to tell Raven, but lying wasn’t hard for him. He’d actually been doing just that every Monday afternoon anyway, and since this was the day Raven usually shopped, she never questioned what he told her. She typically stayed gone for hours, and that gave him plenty of time to do what he wanted.
Still, he couldn’t become careless, which meant he had to think of the kind of lie that made sense. That way he could enjoy his time with Porsha and still find peace with Raven when he got home. But as quickly as he settled on his plan, an immense urge to drink riled up inside of him. It was much stronger than it had been a little while ago, and he was struggling to conquer it. Maybe he actually could have one drink and then walk away with no problem. It had been two years since he’d drunk anything with alcohol, so maybe he was cured. While in treatment, he’d been told that alcoholism was a disease that never left you, and that sober alcoholics were alcoholics in recovery. Dillon didn’t want to believe that, but all the literature he’d read taught that same theory. Still, not everyone was the same. For instance, some people who’d been sober for years attended twelve-step meetings multiple times a week, while others never went at all. So it truly did depend on the person, and Dillon wondered if maybe his one-year bout with alcohol had been a one-time thing. It wasn’t like he needed a fifth or even a pint of liquor, anyhow; he only wanted one drink—just one and not a single ounce more than that.
Chapter 16
Alicia pulled a box of Saran wrap from the drawer, opened it, and tore off a sizable piece of plastic. She covered the large ceramic bowl of salad that she’d just made, which consisted of butter lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and shredded cheese. Then she set it in the refrigerator next to the spinach, cheese, and ground turkey lasagna she’d prepared not long ago. Levi wouldn’t be home for another two hours, so she wouldn’t place it in the oven until about sixty minutes beforehand. That way she could take it out right before he got there.
After having lunch with Melanie, she’d gone to the grocery store, and she was glad she’d taken the afternoon off. When she’d called Dillon, she’d been telling the truth about wanting to cook dinner and spend the evening with Levi, but what she hadn’t told him was that the voice in her head had mentally wiped her out. It had been speaking to her a little more often as of late, but this was the first time in months that it had told her to physically go pull out a gun—the one she’d purchased right after Phillip’s death. This was the same gun Levi didn’t know about and would never approve of because of his felony status.
When the voice had mentioned the gun, though, Alicia had wanted to scream and tear out of the restaurant, but she couldn’t let Melanie see her like that. As it was, Levi had seen her react in the worst possible way when she’d broken down in the shower, and she could tell he’d thought she was disturbed. Sadly, she was starting to think the same thing, too.
Alicia went into her home office and sat down in front of her computer. Two years ago, when she’d heard the voice in her head the first few times, she’d Googled “What does it mean when you hear voices?” But after reading multiple articles and learning that severe trauma and tragic loss could cause brief psychotic disorder, she hadn’t worried so much. Brief had been the word that had made her feel better about everything. She also hadn’t been able to cope with any of what had happened, and not coping with a major stress incident or loss of a loved one was another cause of brief psychotic disorder. She’d assumed that this was only a temporary situation, but when the voice had periodically shown up again, she’d wondered if something worse was going on. This was when she’d done more research and had discovered that ongoing symptoms might mean she had a form of psychosis, or worse, schizophrenia. As she’d read line after line of no less than twenty articles, she’d become more and more ashamed and terrified. Because there was no way she could take another round of public humiliation and scandal. If anyone found out that Reverend Curtis Black’s daughter was insane, her life would be over. She would never be able to walk outside her house again without being judged and ridiculed, she would lose her position as chief operating officer at the church, and Levi would, slowly but surely, decide to leave her.
She’d decided that the best thing for her to do was to work harder at controlling her thoughts. She’d even begun exercising seven days a week to clear her mind and meditating more than usual. She’d done all sorts of things to try to help herself, and for a while, she’d been successful. Until these last couple of months, not even Levi had suspected that she might have a form of mental illness. He’d mentioned how he thought she might be depressed, but that had been it. Now, though, thanks to what happened yesterday, he suspected something was wrong and wanted her to see a doctor. But she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t take the chance of being diagnosed with anything relating to psychotic behavior. If she did, it wouldn’t be long before everyone found out and they’d keep their distance from her. They’d be afraid of what she might do to them, and she’d be forced to walk around with a stigma she couldn’t live with. Her name and face would forever mean crazy, and she wasn’t doing that to herself. She wouldn’t bring shame to Levi, her parents, her siblings, or her little nephew. They’d all been through far too much, and she refused to burden them with something new. She’d already caused them enough pain to last a century, so she would deal with this problem of hers on her own.
The first item on her list of changes was to think positively. The second was to remind herself daily that she wasn’t the Creator and that even though she’d made many bad choices, she couldn’t control anyone’s fate. Which meant she wouldn’t continue to
blame herself for Phillip’s death. Then, on the way home from the grocery store, she’d made a conscious effort to forgive herself. She’d spoken the words out loud and prayed like never before. She had a new attitude, and she was going to deal with this thing head on. She would beat Satan at his own game, because she now believed that it was his voice she’d been hearing. Her dad used to talk about how powerful and cunning Satan was, and how he was always on the lookout for his next victim. Whether a person had been diagnosed with a mental illness or not, the enemy could use the person’s own mind to destroy them.
Alicia remembered the time her father had taught Bible study one night, and the topic had been “Temptation and the Tricks of the Devil.” It still stuck in her mind, because that particular Bible study had taken place shortly after Levi had been released from prison and Alicia had begun having another affair with him. She’d also been set to marry Phillip again in three months, and her father’s words had unnerved her. Her dad had shared a number of scriptures relating to temptation, but he’d also recited a scripture about Satan that she would never forget. It was First Peter 5:8, which said, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This verse would stay with her forever because that very same afternoon before she’d gone to Bible study, a voice had told her that maybe being with the man she was most attracted to was the right thing to do. The voice had been referring to Levi, even though Alicia was engaged to Phillip. Then, in the middle of Bible study, it had spoken to her again. Everyone deserves to be happy. Follow your heart. Do what makes you feel good. Call Levi and tell him you want to see him.
There was no doubt that this had been Satan whispering to her all along, but the voice she’d been hearing since Phillip’s death sounded different. Satan had changed it on her, and it wasn’t until now, at this very moment, that she realized it was him again. He’d altered the tone of his voice to fool her into believing that this had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her losing her mind.
But she was finally onto him, and she would stay conscious of it. She would stand on another profound scripture her dad had taught her, too, Ephesians 6:10–11, which said, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.”
For a second, Alicia reminisced about her dad and how much she’d learned from him. She recalled all the happy times they’d shared and how he was the first man to genuinely love her. He was also the first man she’d loved unconditionally. She missed him so very much, and suddenly, she felt her spirits dropping. Sadness and utter melancholy crept their way inside of her, and she wanted to open her lower right-hand drawer to pull out her handgun. But instead, she closed her eyes and declared, “Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I reject and renounce everything about you.”
Then she quoted Ephesians 6:10–11 again. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.”
She repeated the scripture two more times and seemed to feel better. She wasn’t sure how long Satan would continue taunting her, but she wouldn’t go down without a fight. She couldn’t. Not when she had, in fact, listened to him earlier. On her way to the grocery store, he’d reminded her about the gun again, and she’d almost driven straight home to get it. Thank God, though, she hadn’t. She’d started to believe everything the enemy had said to her, but in her heart, she’d known she didn’t want to die. So, yes, she would fight for as long as she had to. She wouldn’t stop for anyone.
As soon as Levi walked inside the house, Alicia smiled at him. He’d just come from the garage, and she was excited to see him. An old-school love song CD that one of the members of the church had made for them played in the background. Right now, “Sparkle” by Cameo was on.
She walked over to him. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey yourself,” he said, grabbing her around her waist and kissing her on the lips. “You sure are in a happy mood.”
She held both sides of his face, paying close attention to how gorgeous he still was. “I just don’t want to be sad anymore. I want us to get back to the way we used to be.”
“I want the same thing. I’ve never wanted anything else.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry that I put you through all this. It’s been a long, rough couple of years, but I promise you things are going to be different.”
Levi hugged her tightly. “I love you so much, baby. You’re my entire world.”
She clasped her arms behind his neck. “And you’re mine. You always will be.”
He pulled away from her slightly, looking toward the stainless-steel oven. “Whatever you’re cooking smells really good.”
“It’s lasagna. I also warmed up some garlic bread, and there’s a salad in the refrigerator.”
“You haven’t taken an afternoon off work since I can remember. And definitely not to cook dinner.”
Alicia walked over to the oven and pulled out the lasagna and garlic bread. “Yeah, well, that’s going to change, too.”
Levi pulled off his navy blazer, hung it on the back of one of the island chairs, and sat down. “Did something happen that I need to know about? Because you were in a totally different frame of mind yesterday. You seemed more upset than ever.”
“I took a long look at myself this afternoon and realized I wasn’t going out like that. I wasn’t going to let the devil ruin my life.”
“And Melanie gave you her doctor’s number?”
“She did.”
“Did you call her for a recommendation?”
“Not yet, but I will.”
“You really need to, baby. Right away in the morning. I know you’re feeling pretty good about things today, but I still want you to talk to someone just to be safe. Just to make sure nothing more is going on.”
Alicia was trying to live the way God wanted her to, so she didn’t want to lie to him. But she could tell by the way he was talking and looking at her that she didn’t have a choice.
“I’ll call her when I get to work.”
“You’re going in?”
“Yeah, aren’t you?”
“The church is closed tomorrow, remember?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right.”
“I can’t believe you forgot.”
“I didn’t, it just slipped my mind for a minute. I actually mentioned it to Dillon earlier, and that’s why I was glad to take the afternoon off. It’ll be great to have a long weekend.”
“I’m really looking forward to hanging out at my mom’s.”
“I am, too.”
Alicia walked near Levi, heading toward the refrigerator, but he stopped her when Jeffrey Osborne started singing their favorite song, “Love Ballad.” He pulled her into his arms, gazing at her. She never took her eyes off him, either, but her eyes also filled with tears. This was their theme song. When they’d gotten married, they hadn’t bothered with having a large wedding, but even though they’d gone to the courthouse, Dillon, Raven, and Melanie had thrown them a small dinner party that evening to celebrate. There had only been eleven people there, but Levi had still wanted them to have their first dance, and this was the song he’d chosen. The lyrics talked about never being so much in love before, not caring what people say, and having so much more to their relationship than others could see. The song told their story from beginning to end.
Levi stood up and as they danced to the music and cuddled close, he sang every word to her. Now her tears fell down her cheeks.
They danced until the next track started and then kissed wildly and passionately. The chemistry between them had always been incredible, but Alicia was feeling especially close to Levi tonight. They were in total sync, and the love they shared was as strong as ever. They’d weathered some terrible storms, but it hadn’t changed the fact that they were soul mates. They loved each other hard a
nd as though their lives depended on it, and that’s what was sustaining their marriage. It had also sustained them as individuals. The formidable bond between them was for keeps, and Alicia thanked God for it.
They kissed long and forcefully until Levi led her down the hallway and into their first-floor master bedroom. They hurried to undress each other and relaxed cozily on the bed. They kissed more deeply now, and Alicia couldn’t wait to make love to her husband. She was thrilled about their new beginning, and looking forward to their long future together.
Chapter 17
From the time Dillon had left the church, he’d told himself that one drink was all he needed. But as he’d gotten closer to Porsha’s, he’d decided that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. Then, just as quickly as he’d made up his mind to forgo it, he’d driven past a bar that was no more than ten miles from Porsha’s house. Still, he’d kept going, but the more he thought about his father and the stressful day he’d had, he found himself making a U-turn in the middle of the street and heading back in the direction he’d come from.
Now he sat in the parking lot of Benny’s Tavern, debating whether he was doing the right thing. If he went in, it would only be for a few minutes and just to have one drink. He’d told himself those same words over and over, so he wasn’t sure why he still hadn’t gotten out of his car. Maybe it was because a small part of him did worry that once he started he wouldn’t be able to stop. But at the same time, he did believe he was cured. If he hadn’t been, he never could have gone two years without drinking at all. He also hadn’t attended more than ten AA meetings before leaving Atlanta, and that was only because his inpatient treatment counselor had insisted on it. His counselor had told him that the most successful alcoholics joined AA and attended meetings regularly. He’d also stressed that meetings needed to be a part of Dillon’s life from now on. Dillon had heard him, but it hadn’t been long before he’d realized he didn’t need them. He’d discovered that he could stay sober on his own, and then when he’d become a minister, he’d decided that if he ever got weak, he would simply pray about it. But when he’d moved back to Mitchell and founded New Faith, he’d known for sure he wouldn’t be attending any AA meetings—ever again. For one, he didn’t want his family to know he’d once had a drinking problem, and secondly, he didn’t want his parishioners to know that their pastor had been labeled an alcoholic. There was no way members of any congregation could respect a leader such as that, and it was the reason he’d also never as much as told Raven about it.
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