A Sinful Calling

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Alicia wondered if Levi was already gone, although he rarely left before nine. She, however, had decided last night that she was taking the day off to get proper rest.

  Alicia lay there, thinking how good it felt to sleep for so many hours, but she wondered if the dose she’d taken was a bit too strong for her. She hadn’t thought so when she’d purchased the medication, but now that she was awake, she still felt as though she could drop back off in a second. All she’d have to do was close her eyes.

  But as she slowly shut them, Levi walked into the bedroom.

  He sat down beside her. “You awake?”

  “Not really.”

  “Are you okay? You barely even moved last night.”

  “I’m fine. I took a sleeping pill.”

  “You went to the doctor?”

  “No, just bought something at the drugstore.”

  “Well, it must be pretty strong.”

  “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.”

  “Well, you’d better get up, because it’s getting pretty late.”

  “I’m not going in. I just need to rest today.”

  “Are you sure there’s not something else going on?”

  “No, I’m just tired of not sleeping. I’m exhausted, and it’s really starting to catch up with me.”

  “Did you call Melanie’s doctor?”

  “No, but I promise I will today. As soon as I get up.”

  Levi frowned. “Why do you keep saying that and then not doing it? That really upsets me.”

  “Baby, do we have to do this now? I’m really sleepy.”

  “I understand that, but you need to talk to someone. I should have insisted on that two years ago, and now I’m sorry I didn’t.”

  Alicia heard him but closed her eyes again.

  “Baby, are you listening to me?” Levi asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, if you don’t make an appointment with someone today, I’m doing it for you. I told you that before, but I’m serious this time.”

  “Okay,” she whispered, feeling herself falling back to sleep.

  “I’ll call you later,” he said, kissing her on the cheek. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  It was so puzzling to Alicia how the voice tended to come and go, but thankfully she hadn’t heard it today. After Levi had left for the church this morning, she’d slept until noon and then had eventually gotten herself up and into the shower. She’d been in bed eighteen hours, but she finally felt wide awake and not like she wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe she needed to take half a pill tonight instead of a whole one, because she certainly didn’t want to miss another day of work tomorrow.

  Now, though, she thought about Levi’s threat of calling a doctor himself, so she sat down in her home office and dialed Melanie’s therapist.

  “Dr. Brogan’s office,” the woman said.

  “Uh, yes. I’m a friend of Melanie Richardson’s, and she referred me to Dr. Brogan.”

  “Sure, how can I help you?”

  “I was hoping that Dr. Brogan could refer me to a counselor who might be able to help me.”

  “Of course. Dr. Brogan is with a patient now, but if you’ll tell me what type of problem you’re having, I can give her a message. She may have me call you back or she’ll call you back herself.”

  Alicia didn’t like the idea of having to give her name and number to the receptionist. For all she knew, the woman might recognize it. “I was really hoping to speak to Dr. Brogan directly, so could you just ask her to call me?”

  The woman paused. “And you said Melanie Richardson referred you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And your name?”

  “Alicia.”

  “Last name?”

  “Just Alicia.”

  “A number where you can be reached?”

  Alicia gave her the number to her cell.

  “I think that’s all I need, and I’ll be sure to give Dr. Brogan your information.”

  “Do you think she’ll be calling this afternoon?”

  “More than likely. She has a couple of back-to-back appointments, but she should still be able to get back to you.”

  “I really appreciate your help.”

  “No problem.”

  Alicia hung up the phone and signed on to her computer. She Googled “What does it mean when you hear voices?” the same as she’d done two years ago. She wasn’t sure what she thought might be different, but she was hoping for some other explanation besides psychosis and schizophrenia.

  Alicia closed her eyes with sadness. Just the idea of possibly having a mental illness broke her heart. On the one hand, she truly did believe the voice was only a trick from Satan, but on the other, she wondered if there was something clinically wrong with her, too.

  She clicked on one of the website links that displayed. She read through it, clicked out of it, and then pulled up another. She read through that one very quickly and pulled up another. And another. But they all basically stated the same thing: Hearing voices was usually a sign of psychosis or schizophrenia. She did see one diagnosis called psychotic depression, and hearing voices was a symptom of that also. The only thing, though, was that some of the other symptoms didn’t apply, such as getting angry for no apparent reason, not wanting to be around others, and sleeping in the day and staying awake at night. But then as she thought back to when Phillip had died, she had in fact felt all of the above. She hadn’t wanted to go anywhere or talk to anyone, and she couldn’t sleep. The article also talked about how a person with psychotic depression could feel worthless or a voice might be telling them that they were no good. It was the next line she read, though, that made her grab her chest.

  They may have strange or irrational ideas. For example, a person with psychotic depression might think they’ve done something bad that they really didn’t do or that they’ve been possessed by the devil.

  Alicia didn’t believe she was possessed by the devil—or was she? She did think it was the devil’s voice that kept speaking to her, but not that he had control of her mind and body. But what if her thoughts about anything relating to the devil were merely irrational thoughts, and the voice she was hearing was a result of psychotic depression? If that were true, what was she going to do? Because she couldn’t live with that kind of diagnosis. She’d thought about it and had settled on that decision more than once. Having a physical illness was one thing, but being crazy was something different. Although, maybe she could find a counselor or doctor on her own and not tell anyone about it. Because as she read further down the article, it sounded as though there were a number of treatment options, some of which included specific medications that could eliminate psychosis completely, as long as a person didn’t stop taking them.

  But what local doctor would she be able to call who didn’t know her father? Or didn’t know her, even? What psychiatrist in the state of Illinois, or in the country for that matter, hadn’t heard of the infamous Black family and their drama? It was true that doctors were supposed to keep all patient information confidential, but nowadays there was no telling what people might do for a certain amount of money. Especially when a pastor or anything relating to a church was involved. Some media outlets were willing to pay thousands for the right kind of story, and she couldn’t go through that.

  This was the reason that even though she now heard her phone ringing, she didn’t answer it. She hadn’t been expecting Dr. Brogan to call back so soon, but Alicia recognized the number on her screen. It was the same one she’d called not long ago. The phone rang and then went to voice mail, but whether the doctor had left a message for Alicia or not, Alicia wouldn’t be calling her back. She was also glad she hadn’t given the receptionist her last name.

  Chapter 29

  Dillon knocked on Raven’s office door at the church.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s me.”

  “Go away.”

  Elder Freeman walked past, eyeing Dillon with curiosity
, but he didn’t say anything.

  Dillon thought about leaving and going back to his own office, but he opened Raven’s door and walked inside.

  “Didn’t I tell you to go away? Now, get out.”

  Dillon hurried to close the door and went over and sat in front of her desk. “Baby, we really need to talk.”

  Raven shot him a dirty look and flipped through some documents on her desk.

  Unlike Dillon had expected, when he’d arrived home yesterday evening, Raven hadn’t yelled, screamed, or started even the smallest argument. Strangely, she hadn’t said anything to him, and he couldn’t understand why. Her silence was sort of making him nervous because she’d gone from being outraged to acting as though the board had voted in her favor. She’d seemed calm and quiet, and it wasn’t making any sense.

  “Baby, I wish you’d talk to me,” he told her.

  She still didn’t look at him, but said, “About what?”

  “Anything.”

  “There’s nothing to say.”

  “But I know you’re upset about what happened yesterday, and I just want you to know I understand.”

  Raven flipped through more paperwork, ignoring him.

  “Things won’t always be this way,” he explained.

  “Meaning what?”

  “The board feeling that it’s not the right time to hire you as co-pastor.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Baby, can’t you at least look at me when you say something?”

  Raven still ignored him.

  “Look, I know you really wanted this, but everything is for a reason, and I believe it’ll happen in God’s timing.”

  Raven scanned a sheet of paper with her finger, as though she was reading it line by line.

  Dillon wasn’t sure what else to say at this point, but then said, “You want to go out for dinner this evening?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t.”

  “Baby, come on. Let’s go out to a nice restaurant and try to get past this.”

  Raven sighed loudly and finally looked at him. “Dillon, why won’t you leave me alone?”

  “Because I love you, and I care about the way you feel.”

  “If you cared so much, you would have vetoed the board’s decision.”

  “But I already explained why I couldn’t do that.”

  “Well, I’d really appreciate it if you would leave. I have work to do.”

  Dillon got up and strolled around her desk. Then he leaned down to kiss her, but she tilted her head away from him.

  “Oh, so now you don’t even want me to touch you?”

  “What I want is for you to stop talking to me. I want you to leave my office.”

  Dillon stood there for a few seconds and finally stepped back.

  “Oh, and by the way,” she said, “you have new sleeping quarters. So feel free to choose whichever guest bedroom you want. All I care is that you won’t be sleeping with me.”

  Dillon frowned. “Now, baby, you know I’m not doing that.”

  “You don’t have a choice.”

  “This is crazy. All because I couldn’t force the elders to do what you wanted?”

  “No, it’s because you never even tried. You never wanted me to be co-pastor, and I feel used.”

  “How?”

  “You know how. I taught you everything you know about running a ministry, and this is how you repay me?”

  Dillon was tired of going over the same thing. He was tired of talking about this topic, period. “I’ve included you in everything. And any rewards I reap, you reap the same benefits.”

  “Yeah, all except when it comes to being pastor. You want to run New Faith like some dictatorship, but if you think I’m going to sit back and play second fiddle, you’ve got another thing coming. When I told you the other day that I would take half of everything, I meant it.”

  “You know what? I’ll see you later.”

  “Fine, but like I said, you’re sleeping in a guest bedroom.”

  Dillon tossed her an irritated look and walked out. Now he wished he’d gone to get himself another drink last night, because if he had, maybe he wouldn’t need one so badly now. But after finishing the last of what was left in his flask, he’d told himself it was better to go straight home to talk to Raven. Then when she wouldn’t respond to him, he’d changed into a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. Actually, as he thought back on things, it was probably good that she hadn’t wanted anything to do with him, because he had felt a little drunk and last night might have ended up being a night when his gum and mouthwash wouldn’t have masked his drinking. Nonetheless, he’d relaxed at home watching a baseball game and had fallen asleep on the sofa. He’d actually enjoyed doing nothing, what with his always being busy with the church. But had he known things were going to become this bad between him and Raven, he would have gone out last night and enjoyed himself in a different way. He might’ve even driven over to Benny’s and then called Taylor. He’d purposely not contacted her because he’d thought it better to focus on Porsha for the time being, but he hadn’t been able to get Taylor out of his head. There was something special about her, and he was going to call her as soon as he got back to his office.

  But just as he passed by his administrative assistant’s office, she stopped him.

  “Hey, Pastor,” Brenda said. “You got a minute?”

  Dillon walked inside. “Of course. What’s goin’ on?”

  “Can you close the door?”

  Dillon did as she asked, but he didn’t like the look he saw on her face. “Is everything okay?”

  “Well, it depends on how you look at it, I guess.”

  He sat down. “What’s wrong?”

  “Remember when I told you I had a doctor’s appointment last week?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I owe you an apology. I owe God one, too, because I wasn’t being honest.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I lied.”

  “About what?”

  “The reason I was going. When you asked me if everything was okay, I told you it was and that this was just for my annual physical. But that wasn’t true.”

  Dillon’s heart dropped. “Then what was your appointment for?”

  “To discuss my test results with my doctor.”

  “What kind?”

  “For ovarian cancer.”

  Dillon gazed at her in silence, but he immediately thought about his aunt, Susan. She’d died from pancreatic cancer within days of being diagnosed.

  “What stage?”

  “Well, that’s why I said whether I’m okay or not depends on how you look at it. I do have cancer, but it’s only in the second stage. That’s not great, but it’s also a lot better than third or fourth. My chances of survival are a lot better than they could be.”

  Dillon shook his head with disappointment. “I’m so sorry, Miss Brenda, and I hate hearing this.”

  “Well, you know how strong my faith in God is, and I’m not claiming anything terminal. Death isn’t even on my mind, and I don’t want it to be on yours, either. But I still thought it was only right that I told you, because I’ll be having surgery to remove my ovaries next week and then chemo.”

  Dillon felt his whole body tense up. “Is there anything I can do for you? Just say the word, and it’s done.”

  “Pray for me. Pray for my strength, healing, and peace with this.”

  “I’ll be praying daily. You know you mean the world to me, and I love you like a mother.”

  “I know that, and you’re nothing less than my son,” she said. “And then there’s something else.”

  “Whatever you need.”

  “This is more for you than it is for me.”

  Dillon lowered his eyebrows. “Not sure I understand.”

  “I want you to get rid of all the malice you have in your heart for your dad. I’ve tried not to say anything, but I can tell by the way you respond whenever anyone
brings up his name or his church. I’ve watched you in meetings, and I’ve sometimes overheard you saying things to your wife, your sister, Elder Barnett, and a few others.”

  Dillon was ashamed. Not for the way he felt about his father, but because he hadn’t known Miss Brenda had been paying attention to anything he said about him, which meant he must have stressed his feelings and opinions about his dad out loud more than he realized.

  “I wish things were different, but my dad has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with me.”

  “I understand that, but son, he has good reason. I’m not saying any father should cut off a son completely, but you did some pretty awful things before you left Mitchell.”

  “Yeah, and I’ve apologized over and over and he still hates me.”

  “I don’t think he hates you. I just think he’s hurt, and he doesn’t trust you.”

  Dillon thought about the last conversation he’d had with his dad, and how he’d talked about the trust issue. Curtis hadn’t said anything about being hurt, though, and in all honesty, Dillon didn’t think anyone could hurt Curtis Black. As far as Dillon was concerned, any man who could deny his own newborn baby didn’t even have a heart.

  “Well, I’m tired, Miss Brenda. I tried to talk to him, and I even called him last week, but that was it for me. I’m not going to keep begging someone who doesn’t want a relationship with his own son. I just won’t keep belittling myself that way.”

  “Son, I hear you, but that’s what we call pride. I know your dad was wrong for not claiming you, but when you first came to Mitchell you did some terrible things. Yet your dad forgave you, and he was willing to make a new start with you.”

  “Not really. He gave me a large sum of money, but he never gave me his time or the kind of love he gave his other children. I was always treated differently than them, and I shed a lot of tears over it. That’s what pushed me to try to blackmail him. I just wanted him to hurt like I did.”

  “Doing things tit for tat never works. It doesn’t get us anywhere, and I just think both of you went about things the wrong way. Your dad is stubborn, and you’re just like him. So I’m asking you to please not give up on him. Please call him, or better yet, go see him. Pour your heart out to him and let him know that you forgive him for everything he’s done to you, and that you’re sorry for everything you did to him. And then, son, you have to pray about this as well. You can’t just pray about your problems every now and then, you have to pray about them all the time. The Bible says to pray without ceasing, and that really does make a difference. Just last month, you taught one of our Bible study lessons from Philippians four, six. ‘Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.’ Remember?”