by Cox, Carrie;
Kristina sat beside me in the backseat of the car, staring out of the window enjoying the sights of Monaco. I wished I could relax enough to do the same. I still wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, and I hadn’t really wanted her to come. What if I screwed it up? I didn’t want her to see that. But she had really wanted to come with me, and it seemed I could never say no to Kristina.
When we arrived at the address Dominic had given us, we could hear Dominic shouting as soon as we got out of the car. He was berating someone for a mix-up on an order of engine parts. Now that was the Dominic I knew. I barely recognized the smiling, friendly Dominic that came to see me yesterday. The real Dominic was all about money, targets and working people to the bone.
He kept up his shouting, directing it at some poor mechanic, until we were right outside the garage at the base of the building.
As he looked up at us, the change in his expression was almost comical. A broad grin spread over his face and I could almost see the dollar signs light up in his eyes.
“Jack, thanks for coming,” he said, striding over to us. “Kristina, it’s nice to see you again,” he added flippantly before turning his attention back to me.
“We got held up,” I said and didn’t offer any further explanation.
“Oh, don’t worry about that. We haven’t packed up the simulator yet. We’ve still got plenty of time. It’s this way.”
As he led us inside the garage and through a set of plain grey doors into an equally grey corridor, he looked at me over his shoulder, giving me another broad grin.
I was regretting coming already.
The inside of the building was depressing. The walls were all painted the same light grey, and dark grey carpet covered the floor. As we walked further into the building, the lights grew dim. The walls were scuffed in this section of the building and they hadn’t even bothered with carpet. Our footsteps echoed as we followed Dominic.
We stepped around the bright yellow “wet floor” sign, and Dominic scowled at the poor janitor mopping the floors.
Even that job seemed appealing to me right now. Hell, I could think of a million and one jobs I’d prefer to be doing instead of this.
Dominic stopped in front of a door with the initials S.I.M. printed on it.
I took a deep breath. I was really feeling uneasy now. What if I screwed this up? I felt a shooting pain in my leg, and I tried to tell myself it was all in my head.
Dominic opened the door with a flourish. “Here we are!”
We stepped inside the dark room. The only light was coming from the faint glow of the electronic dashboard of the simulator.
The simulator was larger than a car and it was fully enclosed, so when the driver was inside he was sealed off from the external environment. I knew why they did that. It was supposed to make you concentrate more on the track and eliminate potential distractions, but the sight of the machine made me swallow hard.
I’d spent a high percentage of my career in simulators of one type or another. They had been a cornerstone in my training program, so this wasn’t anything new. Sure, the machine was slightly upgraded, but how much could have changed in one year?
I’d done this thousands of times before, so why did I suddenly feel so scared? I tried to shake it off and stepped further inside the room, moving towards the blue glowing lights of the simulator.
Dominic pressed a button on the side of the machine and the entire top part of the simulator slowly eased upwards, revealing the black leather interior, the screen and a huge array of buttons.
“There have been a few changes,” Dominic said. “But I’m sure you’ll quickly get to grips with it.”
I stared down at all the buttons. Dominic was right. It was different. In just one season of Formula One, technology had progressed like lightning.
“You snooze, you lose, right?” Dominic joked.
I wanted to hit him.
He was looking at me strangely, and then I realized – he’d never seen me looking nervous before.
I had never suffered from nerves. I always got excited before a race. The anticipation built up as the adrenaline flooded my system, but I was never nervous.
I forced my shoulders back and tried to look more confident. I had to get it over with. It wasn’t helping to just stand there, staring at the machine.
I climbed inside and sank down into the leather seat. The smell of the new leather engulfed me and the blinking lights on the dashboard in front of me seemed to blur in front of my eyes. There were so many different buttons. I tried to familiarize myself with them.
“Okay, Jack. Here we go,” Dominic said. He reached inside and pressed a button on the dashboard that made the lid begin to close.
In a matter of seconds, I would be sealed off from the room. I caught Kristina’s eye just before the lid closed. She looked worried and I hated it. It should be the other way around. It should be me worrying about her.
As the darkness enveloped me and the lid finally closed, I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my back. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the machine. I couldn’t breathe properly. I put my hands on the steering wheel and forced myself to relax. I had done this so many times before, I could do it again.
The screen in front of me flickered to life and the program started up. In front of me an incredibly realistic image of the Monaco track appeared on the screen. It even showed the nose of the car and the two front wheels. I gripped the wheel hard. It was so realistic.
As the lights on the grid changed, I accelerated hard and the car moved away swiftly. The simulator even vibrated to match the sensation of what driving on the track would actually feel like.
It was too much.
Everything was too realistic.
Sweat was pouring off me now and it was stinging my eyes. As I reached the first corner, I turned too late and I could feel the car slide underneath me.
It was ridiculous. I knew it wasn’t real. I knew that it was a simulator, but it brought everything back to me. It brought back all my memories of the crash.
I couldn’t do it. I needed to get out of there.
I took my hands off the wheel and turned to the door, but I couldn’t find the release catch.
I fumbled wildly, trying to get out. “Open the door,” I yelled.
I could hear Dominic’s muffled voice from the other side of the simulator. He was telling me to calm down.
“Open the goddamn door! If you don’t, I’ll rip it off or kick it down.”
I had to get out of there. Where the hell was the release button?
The sudden appearance of bright artificial light flooding over me as the door opened made me blink.
Dominic was looking at me with a puzzled expression, and Kristina looked absolutely horrified. I pulled myself up and started to climb out of the machine, but my strength was zapped and my legs felt so weak.
I knew my legs were shaking, but I was damned if I was going to ask for any help in front of Dominic.
We hadn’t brought the crutches either because I’d been coping so well without them recently. I managed to climb out by leaning heavily on the machine and then I moved towards the exit.
Kristina followed me. “Jack, are you okay? You look so pale.”
I turned and saw a smirk on Dominic’s face. I wanted to punch him. I hated myself for being so weak.
I opened the door and we headed out into the corridor, leaving Dominic behind.
“I’m sorry,” Kristina whispered as she reached out to hold my hand.
“It’s not your fault,” I managed to choke out.
I could feel her hand warm in mine as she led me along the corridor. I couldn’t even remember which direction we had come from. My head was such a mess.
“Do you need me to do anything, or get you anything?” she asked when we finally reached the exit to the garage.
We headed out into the sunlight.
“Let’s just go home,” I said.
13
Kri
stina
Jack barely spoke on the way back to the car, and I didn’t know what to do. I knew he had a major freak out when he was stuck inside the simulator, and I was sure Dominic O’Brien had taken his time before pressing the release button. The slimy worm.
There wasn’t anything I could do or say to make Jack feel better, and I hated it.
I shouldn’t have encouraged him to go to the Grand Prix, let alone to take on something like the simulator when he wasn’t ready for it.
He still wasn’t sleeping properly at night. Physically, he might be almost back to normal, but mentally, he was still very damaged.
The scariest thing about it was that he refused to talk about it. It was almost as if he was ashamed. It was horrible to see him like that.
I had always thought there were two sides to Jack — a happy, teasing version and an angry, brooding version. I’d spent pretty much equal time with both sides of his personality, and I was used to that, but this was something new, something scary.
Sitting beside me in the car, he was completely silent, and his face was blank.
I loosened my seatbelt a little and reached over to hold his hand. He didn’t react, but at least he didn’t pull away.
So we sat in tense silence as Antonio drove us back to the Harding residence.
The journey had never seemed so long before. I stared out of the window, watching the huge sandstone mansions flash past, and felt tears prick my eyes. But I was determined not to cry. That would only make Jack feel worse.
When the car’s wheels crunched over the gravel in the driveway, I felt a wave of relief. We were home. Perhaps Jack would be more relaxed now; perhaps he would talk to me.
But Jack barely waited for the car to stop before opening his door, getting out and striding off towards the house.
I thanked Antonio for the ride home and fumbled with my seatbelt before chasing after Jack.
I knew he must have heard me call after him, but he didn’t slow down or turn around. He didn’t stop until he’d reached his wing of the house.
I found him sitting on his leather sofa, staring blankly ahead.
I threw my purse onto the kitchen counter and walked into the sitting area.
I perched on the edge of the sofa.
“Jack, I’m worried about you,” I said. “I’m really sorry that it was such a horrible experience, but it’s okay, it’s over now. You never have to do it again if you don’t want to.”
He turned to look at me, but he didn’t reply. His eyes were filled with so much sadness that it just about broke my heart in two.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly stood up, horrified that my eyes had started to fill with tears.
“Do you want a drink?” I asked, walking back into the kitchen area.
“No, thank you.” His voice was so quiet.
I busied myself in the kitchen filling the kettle, ready to make tea, something I always did when I was nervous. My mother always used to say a cup of tea helped even the most difficult situation. I never really understood that, but I guessed I’d picked up the habit from her.
After I made my tea, I stood by the kitchen counter, waiting for Jack to do something or say something. I didn’t want to push him, but I needed to be there if he wanted to talk.
He didn’t pick up his iPad or turn on the television. He just sat there.
After finishing my cup of tea, I left my cup on the side and went to sit back down beside him on the sofa.
“Why don’t we do something? It would help to take your mind off things. We could go for a walk?” I suggested. “Or we could watch a movie?”
Jack hesitated for a moment, then he said the words that crushed me.
“Actually, Kristina, I just need to be on my own for a little while.”
“But…” I started to protest.
“Please, Kristina.”
I swallowed hard and stood up. Tears were stinging my eyes.
“Okay,” I said in a quiet voice and backed away.
I picked up my purse from the kitchen counter and headed out of Jack’s apartment, back into the main house.
14
Jack had never shut me out quite like this before, and it terrified me.
After I left Jack’s apartment, I wandered around not knowing what to do with myself. I dumped my purse back in my room and laid back on my bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, feeling confused and hurt.
Why did he reject me when all I wanted to do was help him?
I laid there for about twenty minutes going over things in my mind.
Perhaps he did just need time alone to process things. It must be difficult for Jack. There was always someone around him. Between me, Brian and Olga, he really didn’t get much alone time.
Perhaps a little space was just what he needed to get through this.
I couldn’t make things better or pretend that the incident in the simulator didn’t happen. It was something that Jack had to deal with himself in order to get past it.
I couldn’t do it for him. I could only be there for him if he needed me.
I sighed. I wasn’t helping anyone by lying about in bed feeling sorry for myself.
I got up, changed into a pair of old jeans and decided to go outside and help Lauren in the gardens.
I found her around the back of the house, planting some new violet flowers.
“Hey you,” I said as I approached.
She looked up and shaded her eyes from the sun.
“You on a break?” she asked.
“Something like that,” I said. “So I thought I’d come and help you.”
She grinned at me. “You gardening? Wonders will never cease!”
I stuck my tongue out at her. “How hard can it be? Now, tell me what to do.”
Following Lauren’s directions, I separated out some tiny, green, spindly plants and dug small holes, about two inches deep, stuck the plants in the holes I’d created, and then covered them with the dark, rich soil.
It was satisfying work, and with the late afternoon sun shining on my back, it was almost therapeutic.
It didn’t stop me brooding, but it was better than sitting alone in my room, waiting for Jack.
I don’t know how long Lauren and I worked together. We didn’t even chat very much as we worked together side by side.
The sun was low in the sky when I finally stood up.
“Ouch,” I said, rubbing the small of my back. “My back is killing me. How do you do this all day, every day?
Lauren grinned. “Practice. I’ve finished early today, thanks to you.”
Lauren started to wipe clean the small trowel and gardening fork, and I attempted to sweep some of the soil I’d managed to spill on the lawn back into the flower bed.
I smiled down at my plants. I thought they looked pretty good. They were almost in a straight line. I was quite proud of my afternoon’s work.
I bent down to collect some of the gardening tools, but a shadow fell across me. It made me jump.
It was Alexander, and he looked furious.
“What are you doing? Where’s Jack?” he snapped.
I looked up at him. Jeez, what was his problem?
I arched one eyebrow and replied in my haughtiest voice. “Jack wanted to be alone this afternoon.”
“And you let him? Jesus.” He raised a hand to his forehead. “How could you be so stupid?”
I stepped back. “I don’t understand the problem…”
“The very fact you don’t understand is the problem.” Alexander’s words were like knives.
“Hey,” Lauren said, sticking up for me. “Cool it. Jack’s an adult. It’s not Kristina’s fault.”
For a few seconds, Alexander looked even more pissed as he glared at Lauren, but she stubbornly stared back at him, hands on her hips, refusing to back down.
After a moment, he let out a long breath. “You’re right.” Then he turned to me and said, “I’m sorry, Kristina. Do you have any idea where Jack migh
t be?”
“He was in his apartment.” I frowned. This was not sounding good.
“I checked.” Alexander looked away. “He’s not there anymore, and I received a call from Dominic O’Brien letting me know what happened this afternoon.”
Alexander’s eyes were like ice chips as he stared down at me. “Did you not think to tell me about that? Perhaps you thought I wouldn’t be interested?
I bristled at Alexander’s reproachful tone.
“I’m here to help Jack, not to report on him,” I said, cooly. “I’m not your spy!”
Alexander’s eyes were glacial as he took a menacing step towards me.
“You’d better hope he’s okay then.”
I shook my head as panic churned my stomach. Alexander was right. I should have refused Jack’s request to be left alone. After all, with Jack’s history…
I paused. As far as Alexander knew, I had no idea about Jack’s history…
If Joanna hadn’t told me Jack had tried to commit suicide, I wouldn’t have found out. Alexander hadn’t deemed it necessary to tell me.
Besides, Jack had told me that it had been an accident — too much alcohol and too many pills. He hadn’t really intended to…
A creeping feeling of dread crawled over my skin… Perhaps Jack hadn’t told me the whole story.
I wanted to scream at Alexander, to accuse him of keeping secrets from me, but I didn’t. He might act as though he was furious with me, but I knew that he was worried about his brother.
So was I.
If Jack wasn’t in his wing of the house, where could he have gone?
A voice behind us caught all of our attention, and we turned back to the house.
It was Maria. She stood at the back door, waving frantically at us.
Alexander set off towards the house, and Lauren and I exchanged confused glances.
I felt sick. We ran after Alexander, following him back to the house, leaving all the garden stuff scattered about on the lawn.
When we got there, Maria was saying she was sorry over and over.