by Lucy Dawson
Hmm. I actually hadn’t considered that about Matthew. He so rarely talked about his father it was sometimes hard to remember he even existed. To all intents and purposes he might as well not; as he lived in Sydney, Matthew hadn’t seen him since our wedding five years ago, and I wasn’t sure they’d even spoken since Theo was born.
You might have a point re Matthew. As for Chloe, she’s right. Could tuck them in my socks at moment. Once upon a time, I used to go out and do nice things, wearing pretty clothes… I looked down at the unidentifiable stain on the front of the old Gap jumper I was wearing over a pair of black leggings. Jesus. Before kids, I wouldn’t have worn such an ensemble around the house, never mind out in public. I sighed. What happened to me?
Anyone around to come and help you today? Your mum? Matthew’s mum? Could your brother come over after work?
M’s mum at some psychiatry conference in Barcelona. My mum and dad 3.5 hours away now we’ve moved. Too far for day trip and they’re both working anyway. Could ask brother, but he would only bring the bloody girlfriend with him, and can’t face bitchy comments all evening. I hate my life.
No you don’t. This bit won’t last for ever. Sorry I can’t come over and give you a hand but got a meeting this afternoon, then Kate needs collecting from after-school club. Would be a bit late by then? Busy wknd too. Got Jake’s sister’s bday tomorrow, and out for dinner with work girls tonight. Sorry. Hang on in there.
Lucky thing. I let the phone drop down onto my lap. I wanted to be going out on a Friday night and doing fun stuff. But then… I glanced in the mirror at Theo, all snuggled into his car seat, still sleeping peacefully, and softened. Liv would kill to have Theo. She and Jake had been trying for a second baby for ages now, but it just didn’t seem to be happening. I looked at Theo again. He was so beautiful. I shifted uncomfortably at the memory of being rushed down to theatre for my emergency C-section. It could have all been so different. I needed to get a serious grip. Liv was right. Things were going to improve.
I glanced up at the front of the house. Yes, it was dated, and needed a lot of work, but we were incredibly fortunate to have made enough money from selling our flat to do it up. It was going to be fun. And perhaps if I got organized, I’d be able to do bath time and bed on my own, so Matthew could go to the gym and de-stress a bit – he obviously needed to. Maybe there were other work problems he wasn’t telling me about, perhaps that was behind this sudden need to economize? I looked back at Theo again, and jumped slightly to see that he was no longer asleep, but rather unnervingly looking steadily back at me. I smiled ruefully.
‘Come on, then.’ I unclipped my seatbelt. ‘Let’s go and find Daddy, shall we?’
After lunch, having wrestled the contents of a pouch optimistically labelled ‘Moroccan chicken’ into Theo, I put him on his mat while I made myself a fresh tea to accompany my croissant, but Theo had other ideas, and puked everywhere. Liv rang just as I was scrubbing the carpet.
‘Hi.’ She sounded breathless and was apparently walking somewhere fast. ‘Me again. I’m just about to go into my meeting but I wanted to ring and say sorry for sounding all “busy, busy” earlier when I know you’re stuck at home. I didn’t mean to rub it in. I also didn’t actually give you chance to say if you and Matthew have sorted everything out now?’
‘I think so. And thanks for calling back again. That’s really kind of you. I’m currently wiping some puke off the floor… with my tits, actually,’ I deadpanned, ‘seeing as they were already down there.’
She snorted. ‘Yes, that was sweet of Chloe to make such a personal observation.’
‘Oh God.’ I grabbed for a muslin. ‘I’m going to have to go – Theo’s just done it again. Sorry.’
‘No worries,’ she said. ‘Nearly there! It’s not long until it all gets much easier again. I promise.’
‘Mummy!’ Chloe flung herself at me in her classroom and gave me a fierce hug, before releasing me just as quickly. ‘How did Theo sleep today?’
I looked at my poor little girl, aghast. Was that really all she heard me go on about? I laughed gaily and hoped that none of the other mums or her teacher had overheard.
‘Very well, thanks, darling,’ I lied. ‘Had a good day?’
‘Yes. I wrote a “p” and a “n”.’
‘Well done you! Can you get your lunchbox? And your hat and coat?’
‘Who’s at home?’ she asked.
‘No one. Just Dad.’ I smiled. ‘Come on, love. Hat and coat, please, quick as you can. I didn’t have any change and I don’t want to get a parking ticket.’
‘You said no one was here!’ Chloe said excitedly as we arrived back at the house to discover a taxi on the drive, with the engine running.
‘There wasn’t,’ I said, confused, as I shoved the yellow plastic parking ticket envelope to the bottom of my handbag, where Matthew wouldn’t chance upon it. I watched the back, right-hand passenger door open and a slim, elegant leg, clad in a sheer stocking and three-inch patent leather pump, emerged.
‘It’s Granny!’ exclaimed Chloe in delight, and she started scrabbling to undo her seatbelt, as sure enough, my mother-in-law climbed out: the cavalry dressed in Diane von Furstenberg. My heart momentarily lifted at the sight of her, only to be replaced by dismay at the thought of the pig-tip that lay behind the front door. Oh, how embarrassing. Why on earth hadn’t Matthew told me she was coming? Wasn’t she supposed to be in Spain on some conference?
Chloe clambered out of the car as fast as she could, dashed up the drive, and hurled herself at her grandmother, to Caroline’s delighted laughter, as she gathered her up.
‘Hello, Chloe! You’re so big since I last saw you. What a lot of clever growing you’ve been doing!’
Chloe adoringly stroked Caroline’s ash blonde hair, then wriggled deeper into her arms, as Caroline grabbed at her handbag to stop it slipping off her shoulder. ‘How many sleeps are you staying for, Granny?’
‘Tonight and maybe tomorrow night? We’ll see,’ Caroline answered, looking up and beaming at me from over Chloe’s head. ‘Chloe, sweetheart, hop down for a minute, while I say hello to Mummy. Sally!’ She held me at arm’s-length for a moment, and inspected me sympathetically. ‘What has that beastly grandson of mine been doing to you? Come here.’ She drew me into a warm hug. ‘Now, Matthew called me and said you were on your knees.’ She released me. ‘And I told him it was just as easy to come here from the airport than go home, so I can lend a hand for a day or two, if that’s any help? But I can just as happily stay for a cup of tea, cook you all some supper, and trot off again later this evening if you like. Whatever works best.’
‘It’s lovely to see you,’ I replied truthfully. ‘I’m just embarrassed at how disgusting the house is. I’d have had a quick tidy up if I’d known.’
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, don’t be ridiculous! It couldn’t matter less.’ She turned to the driver, who had opened the boot, and took a large red holdall from him, the strap of which she also placed over her shoulder, while grasping the handle of her wheelie suitcase in the other hand. She smiled brightly at me. ‘Let’s all go in, shall we, and decide on a plan?’
I immediately felt better as we all sat down at the kitchen table. Caroline’s energy, as ever, was infectious, and her aura of competence hugely reassuring. Utterly content in her own skin, she had no problem being generous to others, which consequently drew people to her. Slightly more than averagely tall, her elegant height also lent her an air of calm resilience. I was convinced that if she’d had the slightest interest in it, she could have been a front-bench political figure. Instead she’d chosen child psychiatry, specializing in eating disorders. Supposedly officially retired, she was still actively involved in several projects and research programmes, and sat on several boards. Her only blind-spot was Matthew. He could literally do no wrong in her eyes, which was sometimes unbearably frustrating, but since Matthew’s father had left when Matthew was only four, and she had never remarried, Matthew was pretty much
all she had – bar Chloe and Theo, whom she equally worshipped – and her own elderly and infirm mother, who lived in a home near Caroline’s house, about twenty-five miles away from us.
I’d once asked Matthew why he thought someone as attractive as his mother had managed to stay single for so long. Certainly I’d never even known her be involved with anyone in all the time we’d been together.
‘I suppose it is quite sad, really,’ Matthew had replied. ‘In some ways it was worse that there wasn’t anyone else; Dad just didn’t want us, and him leaving almost destroyed her, I think, because she was so completely in love with him. I only ever heard her talk about him once, to one of her friends – she didn’t know I was listening. She said she was never going to allow herself to become that vulnerable, ever again.’ He shrugged. ‘And she hasn’t.’
‘Did you bring me a treat, Granny?’ Chloe said nonchalantly, as she climbed onto Caroline’s lap.
‘Chloe!’ I admonished immediately, jiggling Theo on my knee. ‘It’s not polite to ask. You know that.’
‘It’s all right.’ Caroline laughed. ‘As a matter of fact, I did. Go and look over there and see what you can find. No, not that bag.’ She jumped up as Chloe headed over to the red holdall. ‘I’ll just pop this one in the cupboard under the stairs, if I may, Sally, until Matthew can carry it upstairs for me. Just a moment, sweetie.’ She disappeared, and then returned immediately. ‘Let’s look in my handbag for a little something, shall we?’
The ‘little something’ turned out to be two extremely pretty cotton dresses: perfect lightweight cover-ups for hot days. ‘I actually enjoy shopping for the children more than myself now,’ Caroline confessed. ‘Aren’t these just so gorgeous?’ She’d also bought a very cute sunhat and a surf suit for Theo. ‘I thought they might be nice for a summer holiday, later in the year. Oh, you are delicious!’ she cooed at Theo, who was staring up at her, equally besotted in his bouncer, while gumming a carrot.
I, however, was picturing the bliss of pre-children holidays: lying on loungers reading books; cocktails and dressing for dinner after a tough day of sunbathing and sleeping. Matthew and I had been good at travelling together. I suddenly also remembered us having drunken and very abandoned sex on a large marble table in a villa in Ibiza. I blushed and glanced down – at the kitchen table I now spent most days scrubbing free of pasta sauce. We should have gone away more, while we’d had the chance. I sighed wistfully.
‘We could chat later, about us all going somewhere, I thought?’ Caroline suggested. ‘A nice, child-friendly resort where you and Matthew can relax. I’ll pay, of course, and look after the children. I just think you could do with having something to look forward to. Something like this, perhaps?’
She passed me her phone and I stared hungrily at the image of a tranquil spa treatment room with a sea view.
‘Hang on, where’s the little video I found? Oh, here!’ She reached over and tapped the screen. I watched a bikini-clad woman dive into a pool, then a picture-perfect family run into some waves on a stunning sandy beach, followed by a shot of a man surfing, all set to vibrant acoustic guitar music. Another woman appeared with her small daughter, standing in shallow waves inspecting a shell. Both of them were wearing matching white broderie anglaise dresses, billowing in the sea breeze. The woman looked utterly gorgeous. All tousled sea-salt hair and bare, tanned skin.
‘I was thinking maybe next month, or early June, so it’s warm, but not too hot for Theo?’ Caroline suggested.
Next month? I couldn’t help it – my immediate first thought was me on a beach, wobbly, bright white blub stuffed into a bulging black one-piece… But more importantly, Theo wailing through the night as I walked him endlessly around an unfamiliar hotel room. And oh God – the packing…
‘Maybe.’ I smiled faintly. ‘It’s a very kind offer, though.’
Caroline gently reached for the phone. ‘Well, perhaps it’s something to think about. No need to make a decision right now.’
‘No need to make a decision about what?’ Matthew appeared in the doorway. ‘Hi, Mum.’ He came over and kissed her.
‘A little holiday idea I had.’ Caroline waved her hand dismissively. ‘Hello, darling!’
‘Really?’ Matthew looked at her eagerly. ‘That would be amazing. Hey, Chloe, we could practise your swimming, couldn’t we? How was school, by the way?’
‘It was good,’ said Chloe, who was drawing a picture at the table. ‘Practise my swimming where?’
‘On holiday. Granny wants to take us away. That’d be fun, wouldn’t it?’
‘Matthew…’ I tried to get his attention and shook my head slightly, motioning at Chloe, so he didn’t get her hopes up. ‘It’s just a bit hard to plan anything right at the moment,’ I explained to Caroline. ‘Could we maybe revisit it once I’ve got Theo’s sleep sorted? I know it sounds pathetic, but I can’t really think about anything else right now.’
‘You don’t want to go on a free holiday?’ Matthew said disbelievingly.
‘Matthew!’ I exclaimed, embarrassed. ‘Perhaps we can discuss this later?’
‘Absolutely. We don’t have to decide anything now,’ said Caroline. ‘There’s no rush to plan anything at all. Is there, Matthew?’
‘Whatever you want, Sal,’ said Matthew flatly. ‘Whatever you want.’ He came and sat down next to Caroline. ‘How was Barcelona, Mum? You’re looking very well.’
She reached out and patted his knee. ‘Thank you, darling. It was fine. Nice hotel, which always helps, and plenty of time off. I had a lovely wander around one of the squares after supper last night and chanced upon this man doing a fabulous old-school flamenco display.’
Matthew sighed. ‘Sounds amazing. I really miss that.’
‘What, flamenco?’ I teased, clapping Theo’s hands, and smiling as he tried to grab them and give them a dribbly suck. ‘I never knew you were so into it.’
‘I meant I miss travelling. Why do you always belittle my feelings? I am capable of some genuine emotion, contrary to popular belief.’
I looked up in surprise. Chloe carried on colouring, and Caroline took a sip of her tea, her hand still resting on Matthew’s leg. Matthew and I locked eyes for a brief moment, before I glanced away first, confused and hurt. I’d only been joking, that was obvious, surely?
‘Flamenco is very difficult to master, apparently,’ Caroline commented, moving smoothly on, as she reached for her phone again. ‘I went to see Joaquín Cortés perform it at the Roundhouse. Here, I’ll show you on YouTube. Chloe, come and look at this man dancing!’
Matthew stood up again and sighed. ‘I’d better go and get on with some more work. I’ll make sure I’m done in time to help with bath time,’ he threw to me over his shoulder as he reached the door, presumably for his mum’s benefit. He made it sound as if I wasn’t able to cope otherwise, and he was firefighting on all fronts, single-handedly keeping everything afloat. ‘See you all in a bit.’
‘So, what’s for tea?’ Caroline said brightly, a moment or two after he’d left the room. ‘Anything I can help with?’
‘Um, no, I don’t think so. I’m really sorry, Caroline, about what just happened,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful. Or for either of us to make you feel uncomfortable. Matthew’s under a lot of pressure at work at the moment, and things are a little… tricky.’
She didn’t miss a beat. ‘You don’t have to apologize for Matthew to me. I understand perfectly.’
‘Thank you. Do you think you could watch the kids for a minute? I’ll be right back.’ I got up suddenly and made my way out into the hallway, and then hastened upstairs after Matthew. He was already back in front of his computer.
‘OK, firstly, I wasn’t belittling you, and secondly, can you please not speak to me like that in front of your mum and Chloe?’ I said, from the doorway. ‘Has something else happened, besides the contract not coming in? You seem to be pretty on edge.’
‘Me? I’m absolutely fine. Why don’t you want to plan
a holiday?’ He looked up from his screen and fixed me with an intent stare. ‘I thought you’d jump at the chance to go away.’
I sighed. ‘It’s not that easy, Matthew.’
‘Yes it is. We just go. I know Theo’s tricky, but…’ He shrugged. ‘We can’t stop living our lives. I’d love to go away somewhere with you all.’ He paused, and added, ‘I sometimes feel my needs are very much last on the list. And that’s understandable. I get it. I just want “us” back again.’
‘I’m not trying to be difficult, Matthew, just practical while Theo’s so small. If we can just remember—’
I was about to add that it wouldn’t always be this way, but his phone started to ring. He picked it up and said heartily, ‘Matthew speaking, how can I help you? Oh, hi Dave. No. Still not in. I know. Right up to the wire again. Lovely.’
He turned away from me to face the window. I looked at his back, the outline of his broad shoulders visible despite the sensible shirt he was wearing, and thought again of us naked in the hotel in Ibiza. Sometimes it was hard to believe we’d ever been those people.
I turned and closed the door quietly behind me on my way out.
CHAPTER FOUR
‘You’re sure I can’t do anything to help with the children’s tea?’ Caroline asked again, as I appeared back in the kitchen.
‘Thank you, but it’s just a little chicken casserole I made this morning, so I think we’re all sorted.’
‘That’s impressively organized!’ She raised her mug to me in compliment.
I tried to smile, but failed.
She regarded me for a moment, and I wondered if she was going to tackle everything head-on after all, but she seemed to change her mind, and then the subject, by looking out of the window and remarking, ‘Oh, honestly – look at that! Raining again! Typical April showers. We need a bit of sun. I must admit, it was beautiful in Barcelona.’