by Devney Perry
My cheeks flushed as she giggled and took another drink of her beer.
“I, um . . . we haven’t done that before,” I whispered.
“You’re missing out.”
I made a mental note to ask Jackson about it later. With him, all of our boundaries had been erased and I felt comfortable asking him about sex. June might judge him for his “experience,” but I was reaping the benefits.
“Ready to go, sweetheart?” Brendon asked, appearing at Leighton’s side. They really were a beautiful couple, each tall with dark hair. Their babies would be enormous.
She nodded, drinking the last swig of her beer. “All set.”
They each pulled on their coats and hugged me good-bye before saying the same to Jackson. Then they left us to an empty bar, walking out the door hand in hand.
“Let’s close up,” Jackson said, leaning across the bar.
I stood on the railing, meeting him in the middle for a kiss. “My place?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
It wasn’t like the two of us didn’t see each other every day, but with Ryder and all the other things happening, it hadn’t just been us.
We closed down the bar in record time and Jackson followed me in his truck back to my house. I missed our summer strolls along the sidewalk, but with winter coming, we wouldn’t be walking again until spring.
The minute we got inside my apartment, Jackson attacked my mouth, his lips ravenous for my own. Just like always, I met his ferocity beat for beat, stripping off my own clothes as he shrugged out of his.
“Jackson,” I panted between kisses. “I want to try something.”
His mouth moved down the column of my neck as he whipped off his flannel shirt. “What?”
I unzipped my jeans. “I want to sit on your face.”
He stilled, leaning back with a grin. “Yeah?”
My cheeks felt hot. “Yeah.”
“Fuck, yeah.” His hands gripped my hips, picking me up off the floor. In two fast strides, he’d tossed me onto the bed.
I giggled at the wolfish grin on his face. “When did you decide you wanted to try this?” he asked as he yanked off my knee-high brown boots.
“Leighton.” I tugged my sweater over my head and unclasped my bra.
“I knew I liked her.” He chuckled. “Get your jeans off.”
I did as I was told, wiggling them free from my hips so he could pull them to the floor.
“Up.” He ordered me to my knees. “Panties off.”
I obeyed, the excitement running through my blood making my fingers fumble on my thong. But as soon as I had it around my ankles, I kicked it to the floor.
Jackson still had his jeans on. They were unbuttoned, hanging from the delicious V that I loved to trace with my tongue. When I reached for the zipper, he grabbed my wrist and stopped me. “Leave them.”
He climbed on the bed, lying right in the middle on his back. His gorgeous face looked up at me like I was his last meal.
“Get over here, babe.”
“Okay,” I breathed. “Where?”
He pointed to his mouth. “Right. Here.”
A shiver ran over my shoulders as I straddled his waist. Then inch by inch, I scooted my knees forward. My center hovered over his washboard abs, then over the valley between his hard pecs. Finally, he helped me over his arms so my knees were planted right by his ears.
“Grab the headboard.”
I nodded, placing my hands on the frame in front of me. “Like this?”
“Mm-hmm.” He hummed right against my pussy. “Hold on tight.” The feel of his hot breath on my clit made my inner walls quiver.
Jackson dragged his tongue along my slit in a slow, torturous motion.
“Oh. My. God.” My head lulled to the side as he did it again.
“You taste so fucking good, Willa.”
I moaned as his hands came from underneath my legs, gripping the curve of my ass. His fingertips dug in hard, sending a rush of heat to my core.
“Now ride my face.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant, but as his mouth latched onto my clit, alternating between sucking and lapping me up with his flat tongue, my body figured it out fast.
My knees and legs were shaking as I rocked against his mouth and his stubble tickled the insides of my thighs.
The cries that came from my chest were free and loud, filling my small apartment with pure ecstasy as Jackson added his own groans.
“I’m going to come,” I gasped.
He responded with a hard suck on my clit, sending me over the edge. Pulse after pulse, I came over his mouth. He kept me from falling with his hands, and when I was a boneless mess, still quaking from the aftershocks, he carefully helped me off his face.
“Wowzah.” I swiped the sweaty hair from my forehead as I took Jackson’s place with my back on the bed.
“Liked that, huh?” He smirked as he worked off his jeans. When his thick, hard cock bobbed free, I licked my lips.
“My turn?” I suggested, but he shook his head.
“I’m going to come inside you tonight and not in your mouth.” With a tight fist, he stroked his swollen flesh up and down until a glistening drop formed at the tip. He kneeled on the bed, letting go of his cock so he could grab my knees and spread them wide.
“I missed you,” he whispered, lining himself up with my entrance.
“I missed you too.”
I held his eyes as he inched inside, stretching me as he buried himself deep. Then he bent, touching his forehead to mine, and let go of all restraint. He drove us up high, using hard and fast strokes until I was whimpering and ready to explode. His big hands came to my breasts, tugging on my nipples and the sensation sent me over the edge.
I cried out, practically screaming his name as he dropped his face into my hair and shot his hot release inside me.
Yes, Jackson had fucked me. It had been hard and rough and perfect. But it hadn’t been the cheap sex June and Hannah bragged about. Jackson and I fucked and we loved.
We had both.
I was delirious as he fell to my side, pulling me over his chest to hold me while we regained our breath.
“I missed you.” It was the third time he’d told me tonight.
“I’m right here.”
“I know.” He sighed. “We just haven’t had this for a while. Just me and you.”
I softly kissed his chest. “It will get easier.”
“Yeah.” He hugged me tight before letting me go to use the bathroom and clean up. When I came back out to the bedroom, he’d climbed beneath the covers. Normally, he always tugged the quilt down so it wouldn’t get messy, but we’d been in such a hurry tonight, he’d forgotten.
I climbed into bed, snuggling my naked little spoon into his naked big spoon.
As I closed my eyes, a rush of pity for Hannah and June hit, not because I’d snapped at them, but because they didn’t have this. They might get the sex, but they were missing this part. They were missing the love.
Jackson’s breathing began to draw out, his body not far from sleep. So before he could conk out, I whispered his name.
“Hmm?”
I took a deep breath. “Do you love me?”
His arms around me jerked and his body stilled.
My eyes shot open, staring at the nightstand as I waited for a response.
It wasn’t the one I wanted.
Jackson relaxed his arms and kissed my hair. “Get some sleep, babe.”
“We haven’t had lunch together here in a long time,” Dad said.
“No, we haven’t.” I smiled.
The last time I remembered coming to the school to eat lunch in his classroom was when I’d gotten my job as director at the camp. I’d made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, then come down to surprise him with the good news.
Just like then, he was on his side of his tall desk, I was on the other. In the corner was the same periodic chart t
hat had been there for decades. The cabinets at the back of the room were full of beakers and Bunsen burners. Above us was a replica of the solar system I’d helped him make a few summers ago.
“Remember in high school when you’d come here on Thursdays to eat with me?”
I nodded. “Best lunch day of the week.”
I’d ditch my friends in the cafeteria to come and eat with Dad. Once, a kid in my gym class had made a snide comment about it, calling me a daddy’s girl. I’d just shrugged and walked away because it was true. I was a daddy’s girl. Spending forty-five minutes in his classroom had never been an embarrassment.
Most of those lunches, Dad and I would talk about my homework or my friends. If something was bothering me, his classroom was my escape.
Like today.
“Is there something wrong, honey?”
I swallowed a bite of my sandwich and chased it down with a swig of Coke. “No,” I lied.
He frowned. “Willa.”
“It’s nothing.” I was lying to myself too.
The last two weeks had been miserable. Ever since I’d asked Jackson if he loved me, things between us had been off-kilter.
We still saw each other every day, but he was distracted. He didn’t laugh with me anymore and the rare smile he’d give was forced. Whenever I asked him if he was okay, he’d get irritated and tell me he just had a lot on his mind.
Maybe a braver woman would have pestered and pressed him until he admitted what was bothering him. Maybe she would have stood up to him, demanding he lose the grumpy attitude.
But I wasn’t that woman. I let him be a grouch during the day because at night, he’d still sleep with me in his arms.
Jackson might not want to talk to me much, but he didn’t seem to have any trouble taking me to bed.
Was it pathetic that I let him? Maybe a woman who didn’t love him so much would have cut him off.
But I just couldn’t. On the nights when Jackson wasn’t working, I went to his house to make dinner for him and Ryder. We’d eat, then all watch TV on his worn leather couch.
The nights when Jackson worked, Ryder would stay with Hazel. He didn’t invite me down to the bar to spend the evening with him. He was spending more and more time at the bar during the day too. Whenever I’d ask him to go to lunch or hang out, he’d be meeting with Thea or helping Hazel with this or that.
Still, he’d show up at my apartment in the midnight hours.
I never once pushed him away as he crawled into my bed.
“You can always talk to me,” Dad said.
“I know. Thank you for that.” But this was a conversation for Mom or maybe Leighton. I needed some female advice.
“Ryder seems to be adjusting to school just fine.”
“I think he is too.” I nodded. “He’s a great kid. And it sounds like he’s already made some friends.”
Dad grinned. “From what I’ve seen, he’s Mr. Popular.”
“I’m not surprised at all.”
Dad and Ryder had met a few weeks ago, but since Dad wasn’t his teacher, they didn’t see one another often. Though I was glad both he and Leighton were here to keep an eye on Ryder.
I wasn’t just in love with Jackson. His little brother had me wrapped around his finger.
Ryder was sweet and funny. His handsome face was constantly smiling and there was a twinkle in his eye that reminded me of his brother’s. It showed a lot these days, especially since Jackson had petitioned the district court to become his legal guardian. It was amazing how a set of papers waiting to be evaluated by a judge could erase a mountain of worries from a young boy’s mind.
He was the only reason why things between Jackson and I weren’t miserably uncomfortable. Ryder provided a buffer on the evenings we spent together. Jackson didn’t have trouble giving him gentle smiles or laughing at stories about Ryder’s new adventures at school.
It was just me who he was pulling away from.
And it was all my fault.
I’d been so worked up by my friends’ comments that I’d pushed Jackson too soon. He wasn’t ready to confess his feelings. For all I knew, he’d never said those words to anyone before.
I refused to believe that he didn’t love me. He did. This was just a big step for him and he needed time. The idea that he didn’t love me, or never would, hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe.
Was it pathetic to live in denial?
My perpetual boredom didn’t help. With nothing to do all day, I thought about Jackson constantly. I needed a distraction.
“I’m bored,” I told Dad. And lonely.
He laughed. “Well, if bored means you’ll come eat lunch with me, I can’t complain.”
“I wish I could have found a job this winter. There are only about five hours of work a week to do at the camp and I’m going crazy. I was thinking of expanding my search to Kalispell.”
It was only thirty miles away but driving up there every day in the winter had never been appealing. The highway that wound around the lake was often covered in ice this time of year, so a thirty-minute drive could easily take twice as long. When it got really bad, they’d close the road entirely.
But with nothing else to do but sit at home alone and fret, it might be worth risking the roads.
“What kind of job do you want?” Dad asked.
“My options are limited. I don’t want to take a job where they’d be counting on me to work for longer than a few months. So it doesn’t leave much. I was thinking maybe seasonal holiday work. I bet I could find something at the mall for Christmas.”
Though I doubted I’d be all that good in a retail shop. I wasn’t exactly the outgoing salesperson type. But a holiday job would get me through January. Then I’d only have a few months to wait until things picked back up at the camp.
“I don’t know.” I picked at the crust of my sandwich. “I’ll start looking and see what’s open.”
Footsteps echoed down the empty hallway, and out of habit, Dad and I both turned to stare at the door.
When Jackson passed by with an angry scowl on his face, I nearly fell out of my seat. What was he doing at school? Was there a problem with Ryder?
Before I flew out of my chair, Dad was off his, walking to the door to call Jackson into his classroom.
Jackson followed Dad into the room, looking tired and worried. The moment he saw me, a smile tugged at his lips, but then it fell.
That’s what always happened. It was like he forgot for a second to be disappointed with my presence.
My goodness, it hurt.
“Hi.” I waved, not getting up.
“Hey.” He came over and bent to kiss me on the cheek.
He hadn’t kissed me on the lips since the night I’d asked him if he loved me, not even when we were in bed together. He kissed me everywhere else—the forehead, my neck, on top of my hair—but not the lips.
Every kiss on the cheek made my heart sink. It put more distance between us. He was standing right by my side, but he might as well be orbiting around a different sun.
All because I’d asked him one silly question.
Do you love me?
No. No, he did not.
And pathetic, stupid, naïve me didn’t care. I stayed with him anyway.
“So what brings you here?” Dad asked Jackson, though he was staring at me. The worry on his face made my heart ache even more.
Jackson rubbed his jaw and sighed. “Had a meeting with Ryder’s teachers.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. He’s behind the other kids. They said we need to start thinking about holding him back a grade.”
“What?” I gasped. “But it’s only November. The school year’s not even halfway over yet. Why would they want to talk about that now?” My last question was aimed at Dad.
“How far behind is he?” Dad asked Jackson.
“Far enough that they don’t think there’s any way to catch up.”
“Sorry,” Dad said. “I didn’t r
ealize.”
How would he? He wasn’t Ryder’s teacher; otherwise he would have given us a heads-up much sooner.
“Is there anything we can do?” I asked.
“No.” Jackson sighed. “There’s nothing I can do.”
I said we. He said I.
“Tutoring,” Dad suggested. “One-on-one help makes a big difference. It might get him caught up enough to at least be able to stay in the right grade. He probably won’t get perfect grades, but at least he won’t fall behind. And if you keep it up, maybe by the time he gets to high school, he’ll be on the right track.”
“I’m no tutor.” Jackson shook his head. “I barely passed school myself.”
“I could tutor him.” My eyes met Dad’s, a grin playing on his face. He was already five steps ahead of me.
Maybe I wouldn’t need that job in Kalispell. I loved spending time with Ryder and it would give me something to do. It was perfect.
Except Jackson shut me down. “Nah. You’re busy. I’ll just see if Hazel or Thea could help.”
My shoulders fell. He knew I wasn’t busy and he knew I would love to help Ryder. But he wasn’t even going to let me do that.
The writing was all over the chalkboard. Jackson was pulling away from me before he made the clean break. He didn’t want me tutoring his brother because he had no plans to keep me around.
“Well, that’s probably for the best anyway, Willa,” Dad said. “You can’t be tutoring Ryder if you’re going to get a job in Kalispell.”
“What?” Jackson’s eyes snapped to mine. “You’re getting a job in Kalispell?”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“It’s winter.” He planted his hands on his hips. “As soon as the snow sticks, the roads will be shit. You’re not driving up there every day.”
This man confused me to death. He didn’t want me around, but he didn’t want me to drive to Kalispell for a job to keep me occupied.
“Then I guess you’ll have time to tutor Ryder,” Dad said, trying not to smile.
Jackson dropped his gaze to the piece of paper in his hands. It looked to be some sort of report card. After a heavy sigh, he nodded and handed it over. “Fine. Let me talk to Ryder after school and tell him what’s up.”