‘You are looking sad. Is it perhaps the English weather?’
‘Hallo. So busy thinking dismal thoughts I missed your entrance. That place is empty, sit there.’
‘I must go anyway, you can have this one.’
‘But you’ve hardly finished. Aren’t you going to stay for coffee Caroline?’
‘Have to go and open the library I’m afraid.’
‘Isn’t Miss Bates doing that?’
‘Away. I’ll just get them going.’
‘I’ll bring your coffee up to you.’
‘Needn’t trouble.’
‘There’s something I want to get out of the library for this afternoon myself so I’d have to come. I’ll be along in a few minutes.’
‘Miss Bates away again then?’
‘Yes. It’s too bad you know. She’s just a passenger. Caroline’s working far too hard. She’s always taking extra classes and she has to take two ‘O’ level forms as well as the Upper Sixth. She just daren’t risk giving her any of them and then her being away for weeks. It isn’t fair on the children. They don’t stand a chance if they’re not taught consistently.’
‘What is it this time?’
‘Some form of nervous rash I believe. It would serve her right if Caroline cracked up and she had the double work for a change.’
‘It’s a good job Mrs. Parry seems pretty tough.’
‘But she can’t take the senior work. She hasn’t got the experience. I’ll just pour out the coffee and take one up to her. Would you like yours now Miss Stevens?’
‘Yes please if you’re doing it. And don’t you think, Miss Cornall, that it’s time you called me Steve like everyone else?’
‘Oh. Oh yes, if you think so. Would you like some coffee too Mam’selle?’
‘Thank you. That is very kind.’
‘The dinner seems particularly repulsive today.’
‘You think so?’
‘Don’t you?’
‘I am hungry so I do not notice.’
‘There’s an admission for a French woman.’
‘Should I also call you Steve?’
‘Of course. Miss Stevens is too formal.’
‘My name is Janine.’
‘Janine. How-do-you-do Janine?’
‘I am very well thank you.’
‘Two cups of coffee. Someone’s going to be unlucky; we haven’t much left. I’ll just pop up to the library with this while it’s hot.’
‘Little Trotty Wagtail.’
‘Pardon?’
‘She’s like a little bird, that bobs its head up and down as it walks.’
‘Oh yes.’
The Samuels must have come in. That’s Mrs. Masters chattering frenetically about the Lullingstone villa where they went this weekend I suppose and Miss Evans lamenting the decline and fall of the empire as seen in 4b’s inability to decline in the singular, God here comes old Knight, making straight for me. Don’t tell me she’s going to sit here. Must get away.
‘I wanted to speak to you Miss Stevens.’
Caught. ‘Yes Miss Knight. I can’t be long I’m afraid. I’ve got some girls turning out the cupboards for me.’
‘I’m very worried about your form.’
‘Oh?’
‘They’re supposed to be an ‘A’ form but they’re certainly not making the progress they should. I’ve been wanting to speak to you about it for some time but you so rarely come into the staffroom at lunchtime.’
‘Yes I’m usually caught up with umpiring a match or something. What seems to be wrong?’
‘It’s their attitude. They don’t approach their work in the right spirit.’
‘This modern age. Who does?’
‘I didn’t have this trouble last year when I had the present 4a.’
‘But then these have always been rather a problem form even in the second year. They’re rather precocious.’
‘Rosemary Ellis is positively rude at times.’
‘Poor Rosemary, she’s rather confused at the moment, going through the stage of questioning all the conventions but she’ll grow out of it if she isn’t made to feel a martyr for the cause.’
‘She’s already made up her mind that maths are a waste of her time and she seems to have no respect for authority at all. Her homework is hardly worth my looking at. Really I’m not sure she should be in the ‘A’ form. When Miss Samuels asks me I don’t think I shall honestly be able to recommend her.’
‘I don’t really see what we can do about it at the moment. If we emphasise it too much in a repressive way we could make her a really hard case which she isn’t at the moment.’
‘I think children are considered far too much these days, far too much psychological nonsense which is just an excuse for ignoring old fashioned disobedience. I shall be forced to give her extra lessons if she doesn’t improve and I shall certainly suggest her going down into a lower group next year.’
‘I’m sorry but I must go now or goodness knows where I may find all the stock. I’ll see what can be done about Rosemary but I do feel we should be rather careful how we deal with her.’
‘Can I help you at all?’
‘Thank you Mam’selle that’s most kind. If you’ve finished your coffee.’
‘Oh yes.’
And God is love is he? I can see her cycling to the shops on Saturday morning in Beckenham or wherever in the bungaloid growth she lives with it blazoned across her bicycle basket, thinking up ways of getting rid of Rosemary before she takes over the form next year, trying to knock all the independence and originality out of her because it’s a reflection on her own pettiness, narrow-mindedness. Yes, look what she did to 4a. Give me 4b any day. At least they’re honest and straightforward. She made them sly and mealy-mouthed. ‘Yes Miss, no Miss. Do it behind your back Miss.’ That’s how she’d like Rosemary to be. She’s not going to push her out; can’t anyway because she’s too good at other subjects. Don’t think the Samuels would let her either because she wouldn’t want to tangle with Mrs. Ellis. Doesn’t like getting on the wrong side of the parents. But she might make life a misery for her and she’s determined to get the form next term to correct the error of my ways. Why get so het up about it Stevens? Maybe you’re more involved than you like to think. Watch it don’t let her make you feel guilty just because Rosemary’s got a crush on you and you think you might be favouring her. You know you’d feel the same way whichever of the kids it was. Is it because I’m an outsider that I always take the kid’s side, side of the underdog? Or is it because I’m immature as they say and can’t grow up and accept the authority of convention? See how they confuse you because you know what you are. Guilty, immature, a chip on your shoulder: all the symptoms of the outcast.
‘You are very silent. You are angry?’
‘I suppose I am.’
‘You don’t agree with Miss Knight?’
‘No, we don’t agree. But then there aren’t many of the staff I do agree with. That’s why I don’t go into the staffroom much at lunchtime. I usually go out to a little café with a juke box and lots of bus conductors and schoolboys. You must come and visit me. The eggs and chips is very good.’
‘Rosemary is very bright.’
‘I forgot you have them for conversation.’
‘She asks me difficult questions and about life in France so that the lesson pass quickly. She is very popular with the other girls.’
‘That’s naughty of her.’
‘Yes. But I did the same when I was at school. Only not so much because our professeurs were very fierce. But I would like to.’
‘I like the idea of you as a naughty little girl at aschool.’
‘Why is that?’
‘Perhaps because you look so demure.’
‘Like Rosemary. But if you wish to be naughty it is not good to look like it.’
‘Oh Mam’selle!’
‘Don’t you think you should call me Janine?’
‘But not in front of the children. Hallo you two. How
are you getting on?’
‘We’ve found the missing netball Miss Stevens.’
‘Good. I hoped you might. What’s left to do?’
‘Now we’ve got to put all the things back in their right place according to the stockbook.’
‘Right Sylvia will you put them away while Mam’selle calls them out? Rosemary I want a word with you.’
‘Yes Miss Stevens?’
‘Yes. I’ve just been hearing a long complaint from Miss Knight about you. Now don’t pull that face. I’m properly in the doghouse.’
‘But why you Miss Stevens?’
‘Because Miss Knight thinks I encourage you, that I’m not firm enough with you. Now I could hardly tell her that I don’t seem to find you particularly difficult. That wouldn’t have been a very tactful thing to say. However she is threatening that if you don’t pull your socks up she’ll suggest to Miss Samuels that you don’t go up into 4a next year with the rest because you obviously can’t keep up.’
‘But she can’t Miss Stevens.’
‘Oh yes she can. And although I think some of the staff for whom you do do good work would have something to say on your behalf it would all be very unpleasant and unnecessary and might mean Miss Samuels having a little chat to your mother. So, I have decided, that the best thing we can do is for you to show me your maths homework every time before you give it in and for you to try a little harder at it. I don’t suppose you’ll ever be a mathematical genius but it’s a pity to spoil an otherwise excellent record with just one subject. Oh and there’s just one other thing. Try to realise that perhaps not everyone has the same kind of sense of humour as you and I, and that not everyone thinks the same way. There are times when one has to say nothing but think the more as they say. It isn’t very pleasant for me to have to go into the staffroom and hear that you’ve been rude to Miss So-and-so. I realise you don’t mean it as rudeness but other people don’t. If you’ve got something subversive or revolutionary you feel you must say or you’ll burst come and say it to me. I shall probably agree with you anyway. Alright?’
‘Yes Miss Stevens. I will try. Honest.’
‘Good girl. Now let’s see if Sylvia and Mam’selle have finished.’
‘There. All is tidy.’
‘Splendid. All I need now is someone to tidy me up. I can see I shall have to take on one or all of you to keep me in order. Thank you very much girls. The bell will be going soon. This is the afternoon I have to go to the baths so be kind to your form prefect won’t you? No complaints when I get back.’
‘No Miss Stevens.’
‘Do the children also call you Steve?’
‘Oh yes but only when they think I can’t hear them.’
‘Tomorrow we will go for the egg and chips?’
‘If you’d like to.’
‘Oh yes.’
‘I must dash now or there’ll be hell’s bells outside the baths. See you tomorrow then. Don’t work too hard.’
And does she turn away wondering, a little sad as I am or does she know already and feels the old unmistakable stumbling of the heart? Can’t tell. Play it cool. Clutch too desperately and the hand closes on emptiness. The French, the French are different or are they?
Thank God the rain’s stopped and this wind drying the pavements, shrug off the school with the door swinging to behind. If this keeps up the fifth and sixth can have their hockey. Wonder why the old girl didn’t come along to watch? Knew I knew she’d be along so didn’t need to come. Like sending your spirit forth to watch someone instead while you lie comfortably asleep in bed. And his spirit went forth over the waters
Funny to be out in the streets among ordinary people, women mostly, office girls hunting for a bite, weary mums foraging for their families, and 4c kicking up a dust outside the baths.
‘Alright girls in you go. I’ll mark the register inside. Anyone not swimming today? Right up to the balcony then you two and no noise. And I don’t want a great din in the cubicles. We haven’t got any non-swimmers now have we? Yes, even Muriel’s finally got her foot off the bottom. I’ll see anyone who wants to go in for her certificate today. It would be rather good if you turned out to be the only form with everyone with at least the beginner’s wouldn’t it?’
‘Is that true Miss? Would we be the only one?’
‘Yes. All the others have got several who haven’t started yet.’
‘Even 4a Miss?’
‘Oh 4a are a long way behind. Anyway I thought you two were supposed to be up in the balcony?’
‘Oh let us stay down here and talk to you Miss. Go on.’
‘Alright then. You can help me with the certificates.’
And this is what the tadpoles become. The outcasts. Even physically they’re not as attractive as the brighter ones. Too thick or too thin; lumpen housefraus or flat-chested and neurotic. No good at anything except games and the domestic things, sewing and cookery.
‘When are you going to invite me to dinner again?’
‘Did you like that Miss?’
‘Best dinner I’ve had for months.’
‘Do you like us Miss?’
‘Of course I like you.’
‘Yeah, you like us but nobody else does.’
‘Miss Samuels doesn’t like us.’
‘Neither does Miss Evans.’
‘Mrs. Parry likes you I’m sure.’
‘Yeah but she’s married.’
‘Well I’m not married.’
‘No but you’re different; more modern. The others they’re old fashioned. They don’t like us because we’re young and we go out with boys.’
‘I hate school. I’m leaving Christmas.’
‘Most of our class are.’
‘Aren’t you going to take your G.C.E.?’
‘We wouldn’t pass nothing anyway, most of us. What’s the use?’
‘Why do you like us Miss?’
‘Why shouldn’t I? You always work hard for me. And you’re very reliable and willing to do jobs. I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t like you.’
‘We’re the failures, the chuck-outs.’
‘You mustn’t think that.’
‘We’re no good at Latin or Maths or anything.’
‘I know what you’re good at Cynthia.’
‘You shut up or I’ll clout you one.’
‘Do you three want to do your width? Cynthia, go round the other side and see that they all touch properly.’
Unloved and rejected, behind the bushes with the first boy who’ll make them feel wanted, placed in their society; unable to accept what we can offer like putting pork before Mohammedans, pearls before swine except that in some way we’re the swine to suggest that our way of life is the real carat and they’re only poor donkeys. And that’s the mistake of our education all the time that we’re telling them that we’re better than they are not just because we’re older and have seen more, they’d accept that but because we’re saying we represent an entirely different way of looking at things, that not only they but their parents were wrong too, that they were born wrong. We want them to take on our whole ethos and discard their own but we don’t show them any real reason for doing it. The people who matter to them, the images of prosperity and success they see on the screen and looking out of the pages of the tabloids never read a book or go to a concert or to an art gallery. How can we expect them to be any better or to want to know any more? No wonder they laugh at us because we represent values that no one else believes in, that went out with the fairies. Like dad used to say about poor old Jeremiah trying to convince people they were living in a fool’s paradise when they’d never had it so good thank you, in spite of the famine.
‘You used to wear an engagement ring when you first come here didn’t you Miss?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Why don’t you wear it no more?’
‘You shouldn’t ask things like that Con. Maybe Miss don’t want to tell no one.’
‘It’s not that exactly. It’s always a
bit difficult to explain these things that’s all.’
‘Did you go off him Miss? Didn’t you like him no more?’
‘Yes I suppose that was it really. I just didn’t like him in that way.’
‘Yeah. I know a lot of boys like that. They’re alright to go out with in a crowd but you wouldn’t want to marry them or nothing. More like brothers; specially when they’re the same age as you. I like boys about twenty-three. They know what they want then. They’re more serious like.’
‘Cor I know what they want.’
‘Cynthia, you’re supposed to be over the other side, seeing whether people touch properly.’
‘She thought she was missing something Miss, that’s why she come round here.’
‘Well you’d better get back quickly; there’s another lot ready to try.’
We tried, both of us. My last attempt to do the right thing for the wrong reason; to please them. Mother saying, ‘Marvellous darling. I’m so happy for you.’ And dad thinking of me finally reconciled at the altar. I will go unto: my feet shall stand. Poor Peter. He became more and more bitchy and hysterical as I became more dominant and aggressive. Until that awful morning the telegram came from his mother. ‘They found him in his room dear. He’d tried to kill himself. I told him not to work so hard.’ And I knew at once that wasn’t the reason; that we were the reason together. ‘We can’t go on with it Stevie. Lying here I’ve thought it all out. We’re just not right for each other.’ ‘I know Peter. I know. I’ve been thinking too.’ God how young we were; just a couple of kids pressed into the mould by society before our bones had hardened into their individual shapes. ‘What are we going to do? They’ll be terribly upset.’ ‘It’s our life. I’ll think of something.’ It was always like that even though he was older than me. ‘I’ll write and tell you I’ve decided to go to college after all and that since it’s a long time to wait you’re perfectly free. They’ll say it’s all my fault and that I’ve always been hard but that doesn’t matter. I don’t care what they say, never have really. Now you go on and take a good degree and don’t worry anymore.’ Like a child, lying back with his face as white as the pillows and those long lashes, wasted on a boy, darkened with tears. ‘You’ll write to me sometimes?’ ‘Yes, of course. Now go to sleep.’ Funny though, I missed his mother most.
The Microcosm Page 7