When it came time for them to dine Mrs. Dorr signified that Charles should sit at table with her rather than eating apart or with the other domesticks although this was not her usual custom with her waiters as she hastened to assure him. But, cried she, your manners and behaviour seem to entitle you to that respect and ’tis only with the utmost pain that I oblige myself to call you anything but, Sir.
You are pleased to compliment me, Madam, answered our adventurer, playing her new role as the Man Charles with as much assiduity as ever she had applied herself to the part of Young Bevil or Captain Plume.
It grieves me, the gentlewoman continued, to see one so young and alone in the world.
Nay Madam, not quite alone, Charles answered seeing here an opportunity of forwarding a design she had of not lying at the House at night but of returning to her poor child whom she was forced to leave alone all day in order to gain a livelihood for them both. I have one blessing; a little girl who is more to me than whole sackfulls of friends were they as rich as Croesus and able to restore me to my former happy state.
What, cries Mrs. Dorr, So young and married. And how old might the child be? I am amazed to hear a young fellow speak so feelingly of a child when the generality of men are but too willing to forget them having begot them, aye and their mothers too if they can. Yet you speak only of the girl. Has she then no mother, though I am sure there are many women would be happy to oblige such a pretty young fellow and take no thought for the consequences, or perhaps your wife is no longer living?
No, he answered, fetching a deep sigh. She died in childbed of that girl ten years ago.
The poor thing! Positively you shall bring her to see me tomorrow. And you too with all the cares of a father and none of the comforts of a husband. How many a young fellow would have abandoned the helpless creature to the harsh nurture of the parish. I understand now that melancholy I first noted in you. It springs from a nature too sensible of the suffering it has endured and one which is resolved to continue in suffering rather than free itself at the expense of an innocent fellow victim.
There is, continued Charles, one way in which you could be of the greatest assistance to me and my poor child.
Do but name it, she cried, And if it be within my small power it shall be done.
It is to permit me to return home each evening so that I may be with her through the hours of darkness when children are most fearful. I will return in the morning in good time. Believe me Madam I should be of small use to you and your affairs with a mind burdened with care for my child left alone.
Do not think of it anymore, the gentlewoman said, I myself would not sleep easy in my bed with such a thought.
Delighted with this good fortune Charles was careful to set all in order before quitting the house and at last closed the door behind him at eleven at night and set out to trudge home. His march extended as far as Long-Acre by which means he was obliged to pass through the thickest patroles of the Gentlemen of the Pad who are numerous and frequent in them fields but by dint of jogging along like a raw, unthinking, pennyless prentice he rendered himself not worthy their attention and so escaped without wounds or blows and came safe home, tired yet content with his new employment.
The next day the child was duly presented to Mrs. Dorr, after being well versed in her part in which she proved as convincing as her mother had been in hers and the remainder of the week passed easily enough until at length Sunday came and our adventurer began to quake in her shoes for fear of a discovery, well knowing the House to be one of great resort and her own face equally well known. However to her violent astonishment, and although she waited upon twenty different companions, there was not one soul among them all that knew her. This was not so greatly surprising since the House was frequented by many foreigners much to the confusion of Mrs. Dorr who was quite unable to converse with them except by signs; which our adventurer observing, prevented her future trouble by signifying in the French tongue that she perfectly well understood it. This was a universal joy round the table which was encompassed by German peruke makers and French taylors not one of whom could utter one single syllable of English.
As soon as Mrs. Dorr heard him speak French away she run with her plate in her hand and laughing left the room to go down and eat an English dinner, having been obliged to dine pantomimically once a week, and when Charles was come down with the dishes she presented him with half-a-crown and sent up thankful prayers to Heaven for her deliverance from her foreign companions.
In the week days when business though good was not quite so brisk Charles employed his leisure hours in working in the garden the further delight and amazement of his mistress, and it was while he was thus busied one day in setting some Windsor beans that the maid came to him and told him that she had a very great secret to unfold but that he must never tell that she had discovered it. Having no great opinion of her understanding or her honesty he was not at first over anxious to hear this mighty secret but on her insistence that ’twas something he might turn to his advantage if he would make a proper use of it he grew a little curious and began to be more attentive to her discourse, which ended in assuring him that he might marry Mrs. Dorr’s kinswoman if he would pay his address and that she would like him extreamly for a master.
Here was now a pretty pass and Charles reflected that he had been better to have followed his first instinct and left this mighty secret well alone for had he been really a man the intention of making love to the young woman would never have entered his imagination since she had no one qualification to recommend her to the regard of any thing beyond a porter or a hackney-coachman. However recollecting his state as a widower and father of a young daughter he answered, Though sensible of the honour and advantage that such a match would bring me, nevertheless I have resolved never to enter into matrimony again for the sake of my poor child whom I would not put in the power of a Mother-in-law to use ill and also out of regard for the memory of her dear mother whose loss I still feel as deeply as it had been yesterday.
The maid tried once more to turn him from his resolution, saying he was a fool, and that the greatest in the world if he did not follow her advice but when she saw that he was not to be moved she left him to his own thoughts, and bitter enough they were too, and conveyed his answer to her mistress’ kinswoman. Within a few days he was summoned into the lady’s presence and to his great surprise attacked with insolently presuming to say that she was in love with him.
Believe me Madam, Charles answered, I never had the least conception that you was in love with me nor have I at any time spoken of such a thing.
No truly; I believe, said she, I should hardly be ’namoured with one of my own sect. At this he burst into a laugh and took the liberty to ask her if she understood what she said which threw the offended fair into an absolute rage. Perceiving that it was all but a forgery of the maid’s to them both for her own profit he waited until her anger had a little abated and then recounted how she had come to him in the garden with her mighty secret and in the end brought her to disgrace in vindication of his own innocence.
Yet a strangeness ensued and our adventurer began to grow sick of her place, though Mrs. Dorr still remained incredulous in regard to her Man Charles being a female, and began to cast about for acting jobs, when luckily one presented itself and she left the good woman’s service. Yet such is the inconstant nature of the profession of poor player that the small revenue she gained was but enough to keep them in bread and cheese and not enough to protect her from jail or satisfy her creditors’ demands. As a help in concealment for the bailiffs were hot upon her tail she took upon her the name of Brown and her friend that of Mrs. Brown, and by coming and going always under cover of darkness our adventurer was able to evade their clutches for several months. The amount of all she owed in the world did not arise to five and twenty pounds but they were as much perplexed for that sum as if it had been as many thousands.
At last however she grew tired of leading such a life of fear and res
olved to make trial of the friendship of her mother’s brother and sat down to write him a melancholy epistle; earnestly imploring his assistance for the sake of his dead sister to give her as much money as would be necessary to set herself up in a public house. ‘I will not put it upon the foot of borrowing as ’tis ten millions to one whether you will ever be paid; and in case of a failure of that nature, I know, I should of course be subject to your displeasure; and therefore ask that you should make me a gift of it if you think my circumstances are worthy your consideration.’
Great was their joy the following day when the uncle returned answer desiring her to take a house at once in earnest of her good intention. Now my dears, she cried addressing her friend and daughter, Here, and she held out the paper, here is evidence indeed that men are not all unfeeling monsters, unmoved by the call of those nearest them in blood, so that we may say with the poet:
How shines a good deed in a naughty world. Let us go forth and settle upon the first house we come upon that I may gallop post-haste to my uncle before his warm heart is cooled by the bitter wind of my family’s displeasure and he is driven to repent his kind offer.
Heedless of any warning of haste in matters of business or advice to search any house to the bottom and reveal all its hidden secrets before precipitately concluding and shaking hands upon it, Charles rushed from the room as much elevated by good fortune as he had been cast down by bad and coming upon a house with a bill almost at once in Drury Lane gave himself not a moment for consideration. It must and should be his and within the half hour was rattling away as fast as a pair of horses would gallop to receive the uncle’s golden benediction. Yet as he mounted into the coach, having been granted just enough patience to thank the old man as his bounty truly deserved, he began to think the happiness he now enjoyed was too great and too substantial to be true. Having been so long the slave of misery it appeared like a dream and he was driven to stop at a tavern to count the money and read the note as often as there were shillings in every separate pound.
His first action was to hasten to his principal creditor who had issued out a writ against him a month before but had been obliged to drop the action since our adventurer was not to be found. The man was so good-natured as to hope that Charles would pay the expenses he had been at in his fruitless search, in reply to which Charles assured him that when he could prevail upon a reprieved criminal to pay for the erecting of Tyburn Tree because he was not hanged there, the man should be perfectly assured of all costs he had been at in tenderly endeavouring to confine him in a prison.
Let prudent wives bless themselves that our adventurer was no relation of theirs for with impatient joy he next flew to all the brokers in town to buy the household furniture, gave the asking price for everything he bought and, in less than three hours was thoughtlessly furnished with many things they had no real occasion for. It was after five in the evening when he arrived at the house with an undistinguishable parcel of goods, Mrs. Brown and the child, and resolved that they should all lie there that night. Beds were to be put up and everything ranged in order and by the time these matters were accomplished it was near six in the morning, all thought of a night’s sleep was fled and they had hardly lain down to take their rest than he was restless again, impatient to be up and spending.
They had not been two days and a half in the house before it was opened and, as is customary on such occasions, they gave away an infinity of ham, beef and veal to every soul who came and called for a quart of beer or a single glass of brandy. The faces of many of them they had never seen before nor were ever to see again but our adventurer was fully convinced from the number of people that came the first day that they should carry on a roaring trade, though when they sat down together to reckon up the profits they found that they had in reality run themselves out very near seven pounds.
Mrs. Brown sighed a little at this, wondering if it was but the foretaste of the dish to come but Charles was not to be cast down. I shall let three of the rooms so that their rent shall ensure us a profit even though we never sell another quart of beer. Tomorrow I shall find three families eager for a lodging in a house of such good repute.
Three such persons indeed soon came forward but Mrs. Brown sighed again when she saw them for they had little grace of manner or speech to commend them and brought so few belongings that she wondered how they would do to furnish a table. The second great help they had towards getting an estate was their happiness in entertaining several strolling players, out of business and out of money who, since it was so handily placed in Drury Lane used it as a free house. They will ruin us with their continuous credit, she would cry; but Charles was unable to refuse anyone styling himself a comedian. They will pay when they have found something to do, he would reply, not considering that when that happened they might in all probability be many score miles out of reach as indeed proved the case.
I cannot conceive, said Mrs. Brown one night when the uproar from above stairs threatened to bring the ceiling about their ears, How those persons can contrive to be so excessive and frequent drunk when they buy nothing from the house and seem to convey nothing in.
I have myself wondered that of late, Charles replied, And today came one of them to me with nods and winks so I could scarce piece together a meaning, and then later the husband of another with just such enigmatical hints as the first to the effect that some people would wash clouts in beer if it were to be had for nothing and that Mrs. Prickett seemed to find the water too strong or else her legs were weak for he had found her in a heap upon the stairs with her empty pail beside her.
What can he have meant? Mrs. Brown asked. Sure he cannot have meant she was in a drunken stupor and what of the pail?
That we must find out, Charles replied. Bring a candle and we will go down into the cellar and look about us. They descended the stairs and by the candle’s light found the beer much diminished and a pail thrown carelessly to one side with dregs still swilling in it where the contents had been drunk upon the spot without the labour of carrying it two pair of stairs to the garrets. Here is the answer to our loss and their riot, said Charles kicking out bitterly at the pail. There is more too. Madam Such-a-One observed to me that it would be very proper to watch the other what she carried upstairs when she went about the house and did I not think she was with child or dropsical that she seemed to be swole up when she passed her going up to her room this morning. We must begin to be a little peery and look round the house to see if anything is missing. Now while they are busied getting drunk as lords on our beer, is the moment for it.
In short their search revealed that the persons had taken violent fancies to their very candlesticks and saucepans, their pewter horribly shrunk, and their coals daily diminished from the same opportunity they had in conveying off the beer. Now, cried Mrs. Brown, I begin to suspect the repeated hue and cry after a thieving dog that has so often been seen by other eyes than mine to have run off with three parts of a joint of meat. Strange that I should never be witness to these phantom beasts and their taking ways.
My dear, Charles replied, we have been gulled and we must find ways to escape from this pilfering crew before we find ourselves in Newgate. Returning to their own room again they sat down with a bottle of claret to decide upon their course. I dare not attempt my uncle again, Charles sighed, with such a tale of foolishness. He will think me a fool in the ways of the world and quite unfit to have a house as indeed I begin to think myself. Nor can we stay and attempt to be rid of them. I see now that they are part of the fraternity of rogues and any threat would bring the whole pack upon us. We must flit in secret and as soon as we may. Tomorrow while they are still sleeping off the effects of tonight I will fetch a cart and disrobe our own apartments of their furniture and all else we can carry away of value so that when they wake they will find their kind hosts have gone.
Accordingly taking advantage of the din continuing above, they began to prepare themselves and as soon as ’twas light and a cart could be found they qu
itted their apartments and rumbled away to the Haymarket where our adventurer’s brother Theophilus was then resident and had just revived the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. Here they stayed for some months both chearfully and agreeably until Theophilus was obliged to desist by order of the Lord Chamberlain and removed to Covent-Garden Theatre leaving them once again to get their bread as best they could. As for the thieving crew one of them has very narrowly escaped hanging, more from dint of mercy than desert; another reduced to common beggary and lying on bulks being so notorious a pilferer as to be refused admittance into the most abject tottering temement in or about St. Giles’s, and the third is transported for life.
Fortunately for our adventurer she was soon offered an engagement with one Mr. Russel, a man of vogue and in universal favour with every person of quality and distinction, who had an Italian Opera at Mr. Hickford’s Great Room in Brewer’s Street, exhibited by puppets, which she understanding the management of, and the language they sung, was hired at a guinea per diem, to move Punch in particular. This affair was carried on by subscription in as grand a manner as possible. Ten of the best hands in town compleated his band of musick, and several of the female figures were ornamented with real diamonds lent for that purpose by several persons of the first quality.
With Mr. Russel’s salary paid every day of performance she was able to redeem all their clothes and new rig both herself and child which made her extremely happy but she was still so unfortunately circumstanced that she was forced to set out between five and six o’clock in the morning, traversing St. James’s-Park till Mr. Hickford’s maid arose, and for security to stay there all day mingling with the thickest of the crowd at night to get home. However the run was only short, the flowing tide of joy came to an ebb with both Mr. Russel and herself and she heard the unpleasant tidings that he was under confinement in Newgate for debt.
The Microcosm Page 9