Beverly’s table was set for two, with a vase of plastic flowers in the center. She pulled out a chair, and I sat down, wondering what to say as she bustled around the kitchen. She served Spanish-style eggs and rice, then poured a hot, mahogany-colored brew that I didn’t recognize into a coffee cup. I sensed her nervousness as she sat and looked at me across the table.
“Susana,” her eyes were a fluid, gentle brown, “I want to apologize for the way I have treated you. It was wrong of me. I want us to be friends, if you’re willing.”
Suddenly I realized I had been holding my breath. I exhaled, closing my eyes to hide the relief, the guilt, and the turmoil in my heart. Now I understood the feelings Beverly had harbored against me. I opened my eyes again and reached for my cup. I took a sip of the hot liquid before I answered. “I’m the one who should apologize. I didn’t realize what you were going through until—” I stopped, searching for words.
Beverly’s tone was gentle, “I know. It’s hard.” She stared at her plate, mixing her eggs and rice together. “I saw Verlan with Lillie last night . . .” She shrugged and sighed. “I’m more used to it now, I guess. It’s all new to you. It’s different, somehow, with the wives who are already married to him. It’s not so hard to accept them. It’s the new ones he chases and marries that about kill you.”
Beverly suddenly looked up. Tears had filled her brown eyes, and they threatened to reopen my own wounds. I nodded, swallowed hard, fought to gain control of my emotions, and took another sip of the brew in the cup. “This is good,” I said, changing the subject. “What is it?”
She dabbed at her cheeks and tried to smile. “Mom and Dad used to let me drink coffee, back when I was at home. Verlan won’t let me drink it anymore, so I pretend this is coffee. It’s just oven-browned grains that I’ve ground together and boiled. It’s not exactly coffee, but . . .”
“But it’s hot and relaxing,” I finished her sentence. I suddenly felt at ease. The tension was completely gone. Beverly fussed as we ate, refilling my cup, and chatting away as though there had never been a problem between us. The food was delicious, and my stomach felt almost normal. I ate greedily.
The moment the baby stirred in the crib, Beverly jumped up and brought her to the table. I smiled, holding my arms out, and Beverly said, “Go see Aunt Susan, Lorraine.” She put the blanket-wrapped little girl in my lap, and the baby looked up at me with her huge, curious, brown eyes.
“Aren’t you a pretty one,” I crooned. “She’s seven months, right?”
“Almost nine months,” Beverly corrected. “She’s so much fun. She’s walking around holding on to the furniture now, but she doesn’t dare let go and try it on her own. See her new teeth? It’s not much fun nursing her, I’ll tell you, now that she has them.”
I stuck my finger in Lorraine’s mouth, felt the tiny teeth, and grinned. “She bites you, huh?”
“Boy, does she bite! I’m going to have to quit breast-feeding soon. I’m hanging on as long as I can, because I’m not ready to get pregnant. One baby is enough in this little house.”
I nodded, and wondered if I would still be living in the trailer when I had my baby. And I wondered if Beverly had guessed that I was pregnant and had opened the subject, hoping I would confide in her. I quickly decided against it. As mad as I was at Verlan, I still wanted him to know before anyone else.
“Beverly, did you know about Lillie before last night?”
The muscles around her mouth stiffened. “Not exactly,” she shook her head. “But I wasn’t surprised. Irene told me that a year or so ago Verlan took Lillie out a couple of times, up in Las Vegas. Nothing ever came of it, and I thought that was the end of the courtship. I guess I was wrong.”
“Didn’t he talk to you about her, tell you he was courting her?”
Beverly shook her head again and started clearing up the table. “He didn’t tell me about you, either. The first I knew about you was when Irene came back from Colonia LeBaron, right after you and Verlan were married. She told us all then—it was a shock.”
My face flamed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize . . .”
“It’s not your fault!” she snapped. “That’s just the way Verlan is. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to worry me about you—until there was actually something to worry me about.” Beverly glanced at me as she wiped the table with a wet rag. Then in a scornful tone of voice, she added, “If you haven’t already figured it out, I may as well warn you. As Verlan’s wife, you have no say whatever in what he does or who he marries. You just have to hang on and like it or lump it.”
I stood up, walked to the dishpan, and automatically started washing the dishes. The tight feeling of strangled emotions had begun to tear at my chest again. I furiously scrubbed at dried egg on a plate.
Beverly’s voice interrupted my runaway thoughts. “I’ve upset you, haven’t I? I’m sorry, Susana, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s really not so bad. At least we have a roof over our heads and food to eat. No one ever said plural marriage would be easy.”
I handed her a clean plate, and muttered, “At least, no woman ever did.” During the silence that lapsed, bitter and angry thoughts warred inside me. “It’s not fair!” I suddenly blurted out. “We women have feelings and needs, too—just like men do. But we give up our rights once we become a wife to one of the brethren. How is it fair that a man gets to have so much freedom, and yet a woman of the church has no rights at all? Does God love His sons so much more than His daughters? Is that it?”
Beverly was silent. When she turned to me, our gazes locked. “I don’t know, Susana. I think He must,” she said soberly.
I gaped at her. I hadn’t really meant the words—I had only been venting my anger. Did she really believe it, about God being partial to the men?
As I thanked Beverly for the meal and turned to leave, I threw an appreciative glance over her tidy little home. My roving eyes suddenly stopped as they saw the new, white blanket, covered in big pink roses, displayed on her bed. As my startled brain recognized it, I almost gasped aloud. The blood rushed to my head. It was just like the one Verlan gave me for Christmas! I quickly clamped my mouth shut and turned away from the insulting sight.
So, I thought contemptuously as I marched toward Lucy’s, Verlan couldn’t even pick out something original, something just for me! More than likely every one of his wives except Lucy, who got the kettle, has a blanket just like mine! And I was gullible enough to think he chose it especially for me. Perhaps the blankets had been cheaper by the dozen. Oh, what’s the difference, anyway, I thought. What does it matter? Lillie really missed out by not marrying Verlan before Christmas. She, too, would have been the proud new owner of a pink and white blanket.
I pushed open the dining room door and walked into the kitchen. Lucy, Charlotte, and the older children were busily engaged in various chores throughout the house. “Good morning, everyone!” I called out with a cheerfulness I didn’t feel. “Are any of the men back from the meeting yet?”
Lucy glanced up at me from the table, where she and Laura were sorting beans. “I’m expecting them anytime,” she said. “Verlan asked me to have food ready by ten. I think the whole priesthood group plans on having breakfast here, and I’m almost out of eggs. I hope they won’t mind wheat mush.”
Lucy, I noticed, looked pale and ragged this morning, as though she hadn’t slept well. I wondered if she, too, had spent a sleepless night because of Verlan’s late-night rendezvous with Lillie. No way, I concluded, I don’t think she minds a bit. If she does, she sure doesn’t show it. Verlan has Lucy well trained.
The kitchen sink was full of dirty dishes. I filled Lucy’s blue kettle with water and put it on the stove to heat. Then I stopped at the window and stared out at the bleak, poverty stricken section of town. The cold, Baja wind was blowing again, stirring bits of dust, whirling it around the yard. The fog had lifted, leaving a gray sky that
promised to bring a bone-chilling, drizzling rain.
How I wished Jay would pull into the yard! I ached to see his slender form, his blue eyes, reassuring me that I could make it through more of the dreary months that lay ahead. But the thought of Jay returning to Colonia LeBaron left hollowness inside me, a throbbing emptiness—and I didn’t think I could bear to have him leave. My lonely existence loomed colorless and gloomy, like the gray winter sky that showed no promise of respite. How could I stand married life? Why couldn’t I adjust and find happiness and satisfaction in doing the right thing? What was I going to do?
As I started to turn away from the window, Theron Leany’s pickup turned the corner by the winery, then pulled to a stop by the front gate. Jay and Theron lumbered toward the house. I waved to them through the window, then ran to the door.
“There you are,” I exclaimed, forcing cheerfulness. “I was hoping you wouldn’t be much longer. Lucy has breakfast ready, if you’re hungry.”
“Sounds great; I’m starved.” Jay yawned, stretched, then rubbed his stomach.
“Good,” I whispered, “Then you won’t even notice the lumps in the mush.”
He grinned and made a face. We followed Theron into the dining room, where Lucy had placed steaming bowls of cracked wheat cereal, swimming in milk. I sat beside Jay and watched as he daubed honey on his cereal. Then he glanced at me, his eyes roving my face. Keeping his voice low, he said, “You don’t look so good, Sis. Morning sickness again?”
I shook my head and mumbled, “I didn’t sleep very well last night.”
Jay thoughtfully stirred his cereal, mashing the lumps against the side of the bowl. Without looking at me he whispered, “How about coming home with me for a visit?”
Slowly, then faster, the warmth of newborn excitement seeped through me. My heart began pounding, causing my breath to catch. “Oh,” I gasped. “Oh, Jay! Do you think . . . do you really mean it? Oh, do you think it would be all right?”
He spooned a bite of cereal into his mouth. “Of course it would, if Verlan will let you. There’s nothing wrong with you going home once in a while.” He grinned at my reaction, his blue eyes dancing. “Maybe we should check with Lucy and Charlotte, see if they can spare you.”
“He has to say yes,” I said suddenly, emphatically. “He just has to. Oh, Jay, I need to go home!” Desperate tears choked me, and I turned my face away, hoping no one was watching.
Jay’s arm was firm and comforting around my shoulders. “He’ll say yes or give me a good reason why not,” he growled in my ear. “I already asked Theron if you could ride over with us. We’re leaving this afternoon as soon as the meeting’s over, so go pack your things. I’m going to talk to Verlan about it as soon as he gets here, and he’d better not tell me no.”
“But, how will I get back here again?” I faltered.
“I’ll buy you a bus ticket.”
A sudden commotion in front of the house announced the arrival of more of the men. I wiped my eyes and kept my face averted as Verlan and Joel, followed by a dozen more men, tramped through the kitchen and on into the dining room. The room buzzed with male conversation as we placed bowls of cereal around the bar.
Suddenly someone leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Good morning.” Verlan’s voice sounded cheerful. Then he whispered in my ear, “I’ll try to find some time to spend with you later on today, okay?”
I couldn’t look at him. I knew he was trying to make up for last night. He was offering his version of an apology, and I was supposed to forgive and forget.
As soon as breakfast dishes were done, I headed toward my trailer, anger and hurt still smoldering. I wanted to go home. I jerked my suitcase from under the bed and threw open the lid. Suddenly Lorna’s face crossed my mind, and my excitement subsided. How could I leave? How could I have forgotten Lorna, whose baby was due most any day? She was alone. I didn’t know if she had reached Aunt Thelma or if my aunt would be able to come help her during and after the birth. I resolutely dropped the lid on my suitcase and pulled on my coat. I couldn’t leave unless Lorna had things under control.
Skirting across the side of the yard, I ducked under the barbed wire fence, then ran through the shortcut past the back of the winery. The ground fairly skimmed under my feet as I raced toward Lorna’s. Breathlessly, I pounded on her door, but no one answered. I pounded again. Impatient, I grabbed the doorknob, then frowned, backing away. Lorna’s door locked? Where could she be? She had no car, and she wouldn’t have walked far with Andrew and Tarsa. I hurried next door to the Sandoval’s place.
The old woman who answered the door said, “Someone—a woman—came in a car and took Lorna and the babies away this morning.”
I thanked her and hurried back toward the winery. It must have been Aunt Thelma, I thought, relieved. She must have taken Lorna to Los Molinos. I wondered why they hadn’t stopped at Lucy’s, and then realized it was because of Ervil. Lorna was probably embarrassed because of Ervil’s absence at the men’s meeting.
I packed my suitcase, then sat on the small couch to wait for Jay. A full hour passed before he knocked on my trailer door. I swung it open, my heart pounding in anticipation. “Well?” I demanded.
I knew the answer the moment I saw the grin on Jay’s face. “Oh!” I squealed, flinging myself at him. “Verlan said yes, didn’t he?”
“He wants you home in two weeks,” Jay laughed, dropping onto the couch. “I told him I’d pay your way home. He seemed a bit worried, like he’s afraid you won’t want to come back, but I convinced him that you just need a visit with the folks.”
“How soon do we leave?” I questioned eagerly.
“Well, the men have another meeting in fifteen minutes. It’s going to be held here, in Lucy’s living room.” Jay hesitated and grinned a little. “Joel mentioned again that he wants to see me, and we haven’t found the time yet. I’m going to go look him up right now before the meeting starts ’cause Theron wants to leave the minute it’s over.”
Jay stood up, ruffled my hair, and opened the door. “It’s going to be great to have you home, Suze.”
“Jay.” I stopped him, my heart in my eyes as I said, “Thank you. I love you.”
“I’ll be back soon,” he promised.
I straightened the trailer, humming as I worked. I was going home! Home, to see Mom, Dad, and the little girls. Franny, Carmela, Debbie . . . Oh, it was enough to make me shout for joy.
Then I thought about Verlan. He had certainly agreed to my leaving easily, and the thought suddenly irritated me. I had expected him to initially argue and refuse. But according to Jay, he had readily agreed. Maybe he doesn’t care if you’re gone, I told myself. Maybe he thinks it will give him more time to chase Lillie. I shook the thought away, and hurried to Beverly’s to tell her goodbye.
“I’m glad for you, Susana,” Beverly said when I told her. “I wish I could go; I miss my family. Maybe next time.”
“I’m feeling sort of guilty,” I admitted. “I know it has been a long time since you’ve been home.”
“When Lorraine is older, I, too, will go. Don’t worry about it.” She gripped my hand. “Tell my family that I sent my love.”
Telling Lucy that I was leaving would be harder. I knew she had come to rely on my help, and caring for the household would again fall solely on her shoulders.
When I entered the big house, I could hear the men’s voices in the living room. It sounded as if they were all talking at once, giving the impression that the meeting was coming to a conclusion.
I found Lucy lying down by little Norine in a back bedroom. She looked up as I entered and motioned for me to enter. “Lucy,” I began. Then I stopped, noting her drawn, tired features. As I dropped down beside her on the bed, guilt flooded me. How could so many things dampen my joy?
“Jay told me you will be going home for a few weeks,” Lucy�
��s face brightened. “Don’t you worry about me. I can manage. It will do you good to go home for a while.” She patted me affectionately, and I hugged her, grateful for her understanding, then hurried back to the trailer. Two weeks wasn’t a long time, and the girls would help her in the afternoons.
I checked again to make sure I had everything packed, then sat and looked around. It was going to be so good not to wake up to these honey-brown walls for a change. The only thing I wanted before I left was ten minutes with Verlan, enough time to tell him about the baby. No matter how upset I was at him, I realized that I desperately needed for him to know. I needed a bond with him—something to tie us together. Something to make him notice me, I thought sadly.
Jay’s knock startled me. “Let’s go, Sis,” he breezed in. “Theron’s champing at the bit.” He grabbed my suitcase and started out the door.
“Jay, wait!” I called. He impatiently turned back to me. “Does Verlan know we’re leaving now?” I asked hesitantly.
Jay stood holding my suitcase, his eyebrows wrinkling into a scowl. “Hasn’t he been out to see you or talk to you about it?”
I shook my head and looked away from Jay’s grim face. “He’s been busy. He’s had a lot of meetings.”
“Yeah,” Jay said shortly. “He’s in another one with Brother Joel, right now, back in Lucy’s bedroom.”
My vision blurred as we walked to the front yard, and deposited my suitcase into the back of Theron’s camper. I climbed into the truck and stared straight ahead as Jay got in beside me. My throat burned from the effort to hold the tears back. Verlan wouldn’t even take the time to tell me goodbye!
The realization was staggering. I loved him so much, and he couldn’t even tell me goodbye. I clenched my hands and in stony silence stared down the road, away from the house, wishing Theron would stop fussing under the hood so we could leave. Suddenly Jay jerked the pickup door open. He said something to Theron before racing toward the house. No! I wanted to scream after him. If Verlan can’t come on his own, I don’t want him to come at all.
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