“Or, you know, you could just interpret the fact that I came over with sandwiches as me wanting to have lunch with you on my day off and not like I’m trying to trap you into marriage.”
Caleb frowned. “I didn’t accuse you of—”
“We all have baggage! I’ve been in good relationships and bad relationships and had my heart broken a time or two. I get that you’re skittish. Hell, I’m skittish. My ex just announced on Facebook that his first child is on the way, and I still haven’t figured out how to process my feelings about that.” She paused to rub her forehead. She’d just seen that particular post this morning and was still reeling from it. There’d been a time in her life when she’d imagined making such announcements with Derek. Watching him put out this announcement today was like looking at some kind of alternate universe. But she focused back on the more immediate issue. “Let’s not cut off our noses to spite our faces.”
“We probably spend more time arguing about our relationship than being in our relationship,” Caleb said.
“So…what? Do you even want to be with me?”
“Of course I want to be with you!”
Lauren had half expected him to say no, so the conviction in his words was enough of a surprise she couldn’t speak for a moment. He looked just as surprised he’d said it out loud. She rubbed her forehead.
“Just in a naked way, or…”
Caleb frowned. “I’m not an idiot. I’m not blind to the fact that we’ve done lots of non-naked things together, like watching TV and eating frozen yogurt. I’m enjoying our time together. I don’t want to lose you.”
“But you also don’t even want to be in a relationship. You don’t want to tell anyone we’ve been seeing each other. You just want whatever is between us to exist in a little bubble.”
“What do you want me to say?”
Part of Lauren wanted to run screaming. There was no way to win this argument, no way to walk away without getting some part of her heart trod on, no way to mold this into some happily ever after. So she said, “I need you to trust I’m not trying to trick you. I need you to trust that all I want from you is your company. I want to be able to be with you in public and not feel like a dirty secret. I just want us to be able to figure out what we could be instead of fearing the future.”
Caleb stared into the distance for a long moment, his lips pursed. He never looked more handsome than when he was thinking hard about something, and the fact that she’d caught him this morning just out of bed, with his usually neat hair a mess and sticking up on one side, in only old sweats and a threadbare robe, made her feel like she was seeing the real him and not the Caleb he presented to the world. And because she sometimes got glimpses of that man, the man she got to be with sometimes, she thought she had him figured out.
Maybe he’d agree to at least give them a shot.
But what he said was, “I don’t feel ready.”
This was probably the moment when Lauren should have shut it all down. He was never going to agree to be in any kind of non-secret relationship with her. He was holding onto his divorce and his fear and he wasn’t ready to move on yet.
But what Lauren said was, “If you don’t feel ready soon, there’s only so long this can go on.”
“I know. I’ve always known that.”
“So what do we do?”
Caleb took a deep breath, his chest expanding and contracting. He said, “We’re together. Or we’re not.”
“Yes, but what does that mean?”
Caleb shrugged, which annoyed Lauren so much she almost yelled at him, but she bit her tongue.
He said, “It means that, for right now, we finish lunch. Maybe we come up with something to do this afternoon to make the most of us both having today off. Maybe we go see a movie or take a walk, I don’t know. I’ve got enough stuff in my kitchen to make us dinner tonight, probably some kind of pasta thing. If the mood is right, we have sex and you spend the night, or we don’t and you spend the night, or we do and you go home, or whatever it is you want to do tonight. And if at any time this doesn’t feel good or doesn’t feel right, that’s it, we both walk away.”
“That’s it?” Lauren found it extremely dissatisfying that he was being so casual about this. Did he not feel what she felt? Did he not feel his heart squeeze when she was nearby? Did he not feel his pulse race when she stood near him? Did he not feel giddy when he thought of her, did he not warm when he first saw her walk into a room, did he not think about what they were like in bed together when he was alone?
“That’s all I can give you right now,” said Caleb.
She should have left. What he was offering was not enough, not after everything she’d felt with him, everything they’d done together. But she said, “Then let’s make the most of it.”
Chapter 22
When cats came to the Cat Café without names, which sometimes happened when they were rescues, the staff picked a theme and chose names based on it. Monique had suggested names from antiquity, so the new group of cats had been named Caesar, Ramses, Boudicca, Antony, and Cleopatra. The last two were inseparable and often slept curled together on one of the sofas, so Lauren thought the names were apt. She’d taken to calling them Tony and Cleo and hoped to find a forever home that would take them both.
She was sitting on the sofa beside Tony and Cleo with her laptop balanced on her thighs, updating the Cat Café’s website, when Caleb walked into the cat area. Paige also sat nearby, finishing some paperwork, and Evan was in a corner, working. There were a smattering of customers at the café tables, chatting, so it wasn’t quiet, but it was pleasant, and Lauren was enjoying the afternoon in her domain.
Caleb carried a sack of cat food. “Courtesy of the clinic,” he said, shifting it in his arms.
“All right. Come on back.”
Lauren put her laptop aside and escorted Caleb to the storage room. After directing him where to put the food, they stood there smiling at each other for a moment.
“How are you?” Lauren asked.
“All right. Wondering again why these huge sacks of food can’t be delivered to you directly.”
“The clinic gets a discount the café is not eligible for.”
“Maybe the better question is why I always get appointed to carry these bags over here.”
“You’re still the new guy. Maybe it’s hazing.”
Caleb grunted.
One of the cats, a calico named Chester, wandered in through the open door and rubbed up against Caleb. He knelt on the floor and pet the cat, who immediately presented his backend to Caleb’s face.
“Why do cats do that?” Caleb asked, sounding like the question was rhetorical. “You’re cool. Smell my butt.”
“Your friend the cat behavioral specialist said it’s to show they trust you. Cats expose vulnerable parts of their body to humans they trust not to hurt them. Did you not listen to the lecture?”
“I listened. That was my poor attempt at a joke.”
“Right. This cat has only known you about thirty seconds, so he doesn’t know you’re a vet. If he knew, he’d probably run from the room.”
“Ah. Thanks for portraying me as the root of all evil. I should get back to torturing animals.”
“I didn’t say that. Cats are generally distrusting of vets, though.”
“Sure. I really do need to get back, though. I’m on a tight schedule today.”
“Now, wait a second. I don’t get so much as a hello? You just come over here, grunt a few times, and dump a big bag of cat food here?”
“What is it you want here? I have appointments all afternoon.”
“Right, I forgot. We’re not a couple.”
Lauren didn’t mean to throw a fit, but she was suddenly so mad she didn’t want to look at Caleb, so she turned on her heel and walked back into the main room.
Caleb ran af
ter her. “Now, come on. I didn’t mean anything by that. Don’t be offended.”
Conscious of the audience, she turned toward him and said under her breath, “You can’t have it both ways.”
“Is this about the other night?” he asked.
Lauren glanced toward the other people in the room. The customers were mostly ignoring them, but Paige and Evan had both picked their heads up and were watching Caleb.
“I can’t do this here,” Lauren said.
Caleb rolled his eyes. “So like a woman to not just say what you mean.”
Lauren took a step back, surprised. “Are you serious right now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“We keep talking around things without saying them.”
“All right. I refuse to argue with you in my place of business, so I am telling you we can talk directly about anything you want at another time and in another place. Satisfied?”
“No. Why are you mad at me? What did I do this time?”
What had he done? Why was she so mad? He’d been rude and had refused to acknowledge their relationship, but that wasn’t new. The truth was, this was about the discussion of the other night, about how they had no future, and Lauren was pretty sure they were both wasting time investing in something that would never go anywhere.
But her friends and several customers—who had taken notice now—were in the room and she would not have this conversation here, with this many witnesses.
“Fine,” she said, lowering her voice. “I’m sorry for getting mad. You didn’t do anything. I guess it’s just your face.”
He sighed. “Gee, thanks.”
“I didn’t mean that the way I said it. What I meant was seeing you reminded me of our…discussion the other night, and I guess I’m still upset about it, but this is not the place to discuss that, so I’m calling a truce.”
“Fine. Then I’m going back to work.”
“But you were rude.”
“Well, I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I wasn’t aware I had to be overly polite when interacting with you.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. Come on, Caleb.”
He looked at his watch. “I really do have to go. My shift ends at six if you want to yell at me more then.”
He left, which was essentially what she’d told him to do, so she shouldn’t have felt as angry as she did. In the early days of this…thing with Caleb, whenever she’d felt this worked up, they threw themselves at each other, but maybe whatever had happened between them had matured.
No, it definitely had matured. But Caleb wouldn’t admit that, which was the central problem. They had a relationship or they didn’t, was basically what he’d said the day before, and it was becoming increasingly clear they didn’t have much of anything.
She turned to go back to her laptop on the sofa, but Evan was now standing beside her. “So that’s going well.”
“Shut up.”
“What happened the other night that has you so upset?”
“Nothing. It was nothing. Just something he said that I disagreed with. Which is basically everything he says, actually.”
“It’s not more than that?”
She hated lying, but she felt like she had to adhere to Caleb’s wishes, at least until they really hashed this out. Caleb wanted this to be their secret. So Lauren said, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“All right. But if he said something that offended you, I will totally go kick his ass.”
“Not necessary. Thank you, though.”
“All right. Well. I guess I was wrong about you two. You really don’t get along.”
“I tried.”
“Yeah. Well. If you need to get back to work, I’ll let you. But before you do, I want to show you something.”
“All right.”
Lauren followed Evan back over to his laptop. He sat and said, “Paige let it be known that you were thinking about potentially selling some merch, and I think that is an excellent idea. I mocked up some T-shirt ideas. Tell me what you think.”
Evan had already designed the logo for the Cat Café that appeared on the website, but he’d enhanced it a bit for the T-shirts. He’d also made a few designs with punny phrases, like I spent a purr-fect afternoon at the Whitman Street Cat Café!
“Cute!”
“I thought we could make also make stickers with cartoony representations of some of the cats with their names on them. We could even put Sadie on things, like mugs or shirts. You can get these produced for a reasonable price and mark them up to make a profit.”
“Email me these. I’ll run them by Diane.”
“I’m still making some tweaks, but I definitely will when I’m satisfied.”
“You do so much work for us; Diane’s going to have to put you on salary.”
“I’d settle for getting paid for a few hours’ work.”
“Of course. I’ll see what I can do. Thanks, Evan. Maybe the profits from this will make Diane less nervous about hiring more people.”
“You’re rocking this, you know. If Diane can’t see you’re making this space fun and profitable, she’s crazy.”
“Thanks. I think she does see that, or I wouldn’t still have a job. But once she gives me a budget, it’s hard to get her to part with more money sometimes. This whole place was a gamble in a way her other businesses aren’t. It seems like such a flash-in-the-pan idea, you know? But I think we can make it something that becomes a neighborhood institution, or, like Paige thinks, the hub for pet lovers in the area. That gives us all longevity and job security.”
“Yeah, definitely. Keep killing it, girl.”
Evan held up his hand, so Lauren gave him a high five. “Thanks for your help.”
“Now if we could just sort out your love life…”
“Oh, please. That will never happen.”
***
At five minutes before six o’clock, Lauren burst into the veterinary clinic and said, “I’m checking on my kittens,” without so much as greeting or acknowledging Caleb, who was manning the front desk.
He stayed at the desk, finishing up the chart for his last patient that day, an Angora rabbit who really had no business living in an apartment, despite the owner’s protestations that she had set up a huge rabbit habitat. He listened carefully, but the back room, where the kitten kennel was located, was too far away for Caleb to really hear anything. At any rate, all five kittens were close to the age at which they’d be adopted. All five were thriving and, fine, pretty dang cute. Giant still occasionally had trouble holding food down, but for the most part, he was doing just fine. He was smaller than his siblings, but he was scrappy and playful.
Caleb signed the chart, filed it away, and checked his email. Olivia came in, ready for her overnight shift. She and Caleb chatted until Lauren emerged.
“The kittens look good,” said Lauren.
“They’re all doing well,” said Olivia. “We’ve gotten some potential interest for them. And I think Diane has fallen for Giant.”
“Oh, good! It’ll be good to have someone we trust taking him home.”
“Well, I’m just going to pack up for the day,” Caleb said, a little awkward in his delivery. Both women basically ignored him, so he got up and went to the back to get his bag without further ado.
When he emerged, Lauren was making a show of smiling and laughing with Olivia, but there wasn’t much joy in Lauren’s eyes. Which Caleb could tell now, because they’d gotten to know each other quite well.
“Well,” he said. “Good night, ladies.”
“I should get going, too,” said Lauren. “Have a good night, Olivia.”
Lauren followed Caleb out of the clinic. Once they were outside, she said, “Let’s go to my place.”
“Okay.”
Without saying much, Caleb followed Lau
ren through the building’s residential entrance and up the three flights of stairs to Lauren’s apartment. She didn’t really speak until they were both through the door and it was shut. Then she threw her handbag at the sofa and swung around to face him.
“Let’s have it out,” she said.
“All right.” Caleb took a deep breath, steeling himself. They weren’t even going to sit, he supposed. She’d picked her apartment because it was private enough for them to yell at each other, not because she wanted anything sexual to happen. Caleb suspected the days of them fighting and fucking were over.
The first thing Lauren said was, “Are you so determined for us to not be in a relationship that you can’t even extend some courtesies to me when we work together? Are you really that paranoid?”
“So was ignoring me just now your revenge?”
“No, I… Well, maybe a little. But you were rude to me earlier.”
Caleb rubbed his forehead. He hadn’t made any conscious thought, in fact, paranoid or otherwise. “I brought you some cat food. It wasn’t a social visit.”
“I can’t exist in this limbo. I hate it. I like you, I want to spend time with you, but I want to do it in the light of day. I don’t want to feel like I have to be careful when I run into you in public. I want to greet you with a hug or something, like a girlfriend would, and not like we barely know each other. It feels like a betrayal of everything we’ve done together, and honestly, I don’t understand why we’re being secretive.”
Because acting like they were in a relationship in public made it a real relationship, and Caleb wasn’t ready for any such thing. “Public means commitment, doesn’t it?”
“It can. I’m not saying love me forever. I don’t know why you keep going to this weird place where us acting like we actually like each other means we have to get married. I know the ink on your divorce papers is still drying. I’m not trying to push you into anything. I just want to, like, have a drink with you at the bar I like down the street and not worry that if we laugh at something together and Evan sees it, you aren’t going to freak out because he knows about us.”
“Going public implies commitment. I don’t like commitment. Commitments end. They crash and burn.”
Like Cats and Dogs Page 21