Her heart splintered as she struggled to find an answer.
“But I need all of you, Serena, not just the parts you feel safe sharing.” He opened his door, and tears of protest sprang to her eyes. “Being your friend has been great. Being your lover has been phenomenal. But they aren’t enough, and I can’t pretend otherwise. Maybe it’s best if we go our separate ways.”
“S-separate?” She was being dumped. By a man she had steadfastly refused to have a relationship with. How was that even possible? “Wait. We still have until—”
He was shaking his head. “I want more. How is it that you can pose naked for a picture seen by countless strangers, but can’t open yourself up to one person?”
The comment stung, and she sat reeling as he climbed out of the car. Before he shut the door, he stared at her with yearning in his eyes. “Call me if you’re ever ready to go all the way, Serena.”
* * *
BREAKING UP sucked. Not breaking up because you’d never actually been dating sucked more, Serena concluded as she finished dinner Wednesday at a small Italian place with her friends. Her so-called friends, anyway.
Natalie, who had just signaled for the check, had the nerve to ask, “If you really don’t want him, can I have his number?”
Alyson glared across the table on Serena’s behalf.
“What? Someone has to console him,” Natalie said with a shrug.
“I say good for you, not letting him pressure you into something you didn’t want,” Alyson interjected loyally. “Besides, I was worried you were going to be a goopy happy couple like Craig and Emma, leaving me out in the cold.”
“So glad I could help,” Serena said dryly.
As they parted ways in the parking lot a few minutes later, Serena admitted to herself that she’d probably been lousy company all night. But she hadn’t been able to face the thought of going home to that empty loft. She’d never realized until this week how annoyingly bright and cheery her place was.
Even if Alyson and Natalie didn’t understand the depths of her misery, they’d been good enough to go out and keep her company for a while. That canceled out some of her irritation that Natalie had asked for David’s number.
If you really don’t want him, she’d said.
Serena merged her car onto the freeway. Not want David? Nothing could be further from the truth. She wanted him so badly it scared her.
The thought gave her a jolt. She normally tried to keep her emotions in some sort of balance, but lately, she’d been wrestling with so much fear she hadn’t even felt like herself. What was it her father had said, that two people couldn’t grow as a couple if there was panic dividing them?
Panic definitely described her recent state of mind. Sex with David was wonderful, but she was a little ashamed to think of the way she’d tried to use some of their encounters to hold her alarm at bay. Had he realized what she was doing?
She suspected that the answer was yes and that his knowing that was one of the reasons they had not gone upstairs to his place on Saturday. But could he really blame her for being so worried about losing the one person who had always been there for her? And now she had! Which should teach him to hand out ultimatums.
But as she unlocked her apartment door, she thought back to her own revelation. The one person who had always been there for her. Because he had been. All right, there had been times he had had to call her back or that he had shown up fifteen minutes late, but she had clients herself and could understand genuine work demands on a person’s time. Her father might have been very busy, but the fact was, even when he wasn’t at the office, he had been so uncomfortable around his wife and daughter that he was unavailable. David might have long hours, but he had always made time to call her if she was upset or to stop through town just to grab a bite before getting back to Boston for work.
Even though James had been trying to encourage her away from David, maybe she could look at his words another way. Fears and doubts could destroy a relationship, and hers might have damaged a very important friendship. What might she and David have had if she’d been able to let go of some of that?
It wasn’t just fear, she tried to tell herself, it was realism. David had sent her that black cocktail dress. She wasn’t the corporate cocktails type. Yet you manage to get along with your clients, like Kenneth Cage. Couldn’t she do the same on sporadic evenings if it helped David’s career? He’d certainly been aiding hers.
Sure she could, but what if “occasionally” became a slow campaign to change her? David was hardheaded. He wasn’t going to want to be in a small apartment with faulty air-conditioning or have her pose in the nude. Then again, it wasn’t as if she was actively seeking opportunities to be naked—unless David was directly involved—and there was something to be said for condos with fabulous views and cool air when you needed it.
Her emotions and worries sloshed around inside her, making her feel like a human lava lamp. What if they made each other miserable? What if his family hated her?
Serena had been raised to follow her feelings, but they were a jumble right now. She thought about her mom, such an advocate of living in the moment and going for the gusto. But maybe truly experiencing life wasn’t about grabbing every man or adventurous opportunity that crossed your path. Maybe it was about grabbing the right man, and bravely hanging on for the risky ride, wherever it took you.
* * *
“COFFEE’S ready.”
David’s mother jumped a little on the bar stool at the mechanical announcement. “I never will get used to an appliance that talks to you.”
“It was a gift,” David muttered as he pulled two AGI mugs off the hooks beneath the cabinet Saturday morning. His mother was the one who’d said she could use the post-brunch caffeine fix, but he was hoping it gave his own mood a jolt. “I think the coffeemaker fits the kitchen, though. Very contemporary, isn’t it?”
His mom nudged her dainty gold glasses up on her nose and glanced around the room, with its brushed-silver dishwasher and flat range stove. “I don’t like it.”
He leaned against one of the black counters, grinning at his petite, elegant-featured mother. “I thought you Southern matriarchs were supposed to be tactful and genteel.”
“I’m on vacation,” she said with a shrug. “And I thought you should have my honest opinion. There’s just no color in here.”
She was right about that. He hadn’t really noticed because he hadn’t spent much time in here since he’d moved in—had barely spent time in his apartment at all, what with the trip to California and meetings this week. “Maybe not, but you can’t deny it’s got some great features.”
“How does that help you? You can’t cook any more than I can.” Lily Grant was a renowned hostess in Savannah circles, but any culinary honors belonged strictly to her housekeepers and caterers. “You know what this room needs? A woman’s touch.”
David groaned as he filled the cups, leaving just enough room in his mom’s for sugar and cream. “I should’ve hit the greens with Dad and his cronies.”
“No, your golf game’s awful. Only thing I’ve ever known you to fail at.”
Not the only thing, he thought with a twist in his gut. But in the interests of enjoying his parents’ visit—and not going insane thinking about Serena—he’d tried to push thoughts of the terminated affair out of his mind for the weekend.
“Besides,” Lily added, “I didn’t raise you to abandon a guest. What would I have done all day?”
David rolled his eyes. His mother wasn’t someone who needed to be entertained. Give her one of those obnoxious jigsaw puzzles with a zillion pieces, preferably two-sided, and she’d be as happy as a clam. For about two hours, at which time she’d probably have it done and start knocking on doors to inspect his neighbors’ apartments and make suggestions for improvement. Not that she’d annoy anyone doing it. Lily could be charm personified, and by the time he got back from golf, she probably would have been voted president of the condo board.
/> He glanced around the kitchen. “I guess it’s not terribly cozy in here. Why not take our coffee to the living room?”
His mom stood, following him. “It’s quite nice out today, too bad you don’t have chairs for the deck. It looks like you broke the top half of that old lounger of yours.”
Almost dropping the tray of coffee, he recovered just in time to set it on the glass table in front of his sofa.
“Guess it just didn’t survive the move,” he said as he sat next to her.
“Uh-huh.” She stirred her coffee, demurely looking away. “Well, I’ve been as patient as I know how to be, Davey, but I’m an old woman.”
He laughed. “You’re no such thing.”
“Before I age any more, do you want to tell me what has you so down in the mouth? I was expecting you to be more excited about all this.” She waved a regal hand in the air. “The move, the job, the place. You certainly sounded more upbeat on the phone. Do you miss Boston?”
Nope, that wasn’t what he was missing at all. “I’m just tired, Mom. Lot of preparation going into the banquet tonight. I’ll be able to relax when it’s all over tomorrow.”
Over. He wouldn’t have a reason to talk to Serena at all, not that he’d used the charity event to talk to her this week. There’d been little left to say, but most of it had been minor enough that Natalie and Jasmine, their respective receptionists, had been able to pass on the information.
His mom sat back against the couch cushions. “I’m sure you put in a lot of work, but I thought Serena handled most of the heavy lifting, so to speak. You sounded upbeat when you spoke about her, as well.”
“I probably sounded like a man in love.” He ran a hand through his hair. Why not admit to his feelings about Serena? His mom had always been able to see right through him anyway—it had been a damn nuisance when he’d been a teenager, and it was just as inconvenient now. “I was. Am. But it doesn’t matter. I told her how I feel, but she…”
“Doesn’t return your love?” Lily scowled, as though unable to process this affront.
“I think she does love me. She’s got this stupid idea, though…she’s worried about our differences. Our backgrounds are pretty dissimilar, and no matter how many times I told her she was being ridiculous, she thinks it could cause problems between us.”
Lily smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. Then she smacked David on the side of his head. “When you were talking with this young woman, you didn’t actually use words like stupid and ridiculous, did you?”
“I, ah…don’t recall exactly what I said,” he hedged, not encouraged by the glint in his mother’s blue eyes. “Well, it is ridiculous.”
His mom shrugged. “Relationships have certainly dissolved for lesser reasons.”
“Not in our family,” he said. “Grants make it work.”
“And in her family?”
“Her parents are divorced,” he mumbled. “But that was years ago. It has nothing to do with me and Serena. And neither does the money. I don’t care how much she makes or doesn’t make.”
“Of course you don’t. I raised you to be discerning, not a snob. But look at it from Serena’s point of view. It’s easy to say the money doesn’t matter when you’ve always had it. Did you look at any of this from her perspective?”
“Yes, I did!” He’d been as understanding as a man addled with exasperation and lust could possibly be expected to be. “I was very patient. Have been for months.”
“So, what changed that has you so gloomy now? She finally told you to give it up and go away?”
“She did mention the giving up part. Repeatedly. But I saw that it was time to go away. I was tired of beating my head against a brick wall. I told her that when she’s ready to…well, when she’s ready, she should give me a call.”
Lily stared at him. “Have you spoken to her since then?”
“No. She knows how to find me.”
“It’s clear to see why Benjamin went into politics and you’d fail abysmally. A total lack of finesse.”
“I have finesse,” he argued. “You should see me negotiate deals.”
She sighed. “Love is not a contract. You don’t announce your terms and give them ten days to think about it before you withdraw the offer.”
“I took a stand.”
“You can stick to your principles and be diplomatic at the same time. Well. Maybe you can’t. It sounds as if you gave a girl who was already very nervous an ultimatum that was just the excuse she needed to run away.”
“She was doing that fine on her own.” But his mother’s words were enough to make him second-guess his tactics. Even if he had, what did he do about it now? His feelings about Serena hadn’t changed—he still didn’t think he could be satisfied with less than all of her—and any friendship they tried to have would be tense and sexually charged.
Which was what she’d been trying to tell him since last August, he thought. She’d been afraid to risk a relationship because she hadn’t wanted to lose something important to her if it didn’t work out. Missing his best friend now, he suddenly saw her point with a lot more clarity.
* * *
“YOU’RE SURE I look all right?” Serena asked, keeping her voice low enough that none of the waiters setting up in the ballroom had reason to believe she was obsessively vain. Or neurotic. And a lot more nervous than usual. Breaking the metal post on one of her lucky earrings hadn’t helped. Sure, it could be fixed, but talk about your bad signs.
Natalie rolled her eyes. “If you ask me that again, I’m going to say you’re a wreck just for the sick fun of it. For the last time, you look gorgeous! The man has impeccable taste.”
Considering he’d fallen for her, his taste was questionable. But the dress she’d kept telling herself she’d return was exquisite. She wore it tonight with black sandals that revealed toenails painted a deep turquoise. And to accent the detailing on her dress, Alyson had helped her randomly braid a few scattered beads into her blond hair.
All that remained now was to see what David thought. Her breath caught as she glanced to the arched entryway. No time like the present.
Guests wouldn’t be admitted for another forty-five minutes, but as tonight’s emcee, he’d planned to arrive early, check on the proceedings and familiarize himself with the sound system. Damn, the man looked good in a tuxedo.
“Try not to drool,” Natalie whispered out of the side of her mouth. “And good luck.”
Serena glared at her friend. “You’re leaving me?”
“I’m going to powder my nose. I don’t trust myself not to hit on him if you’re still making a mess of things.” Natalie flashed a teasing grin, then pivoted on her heel.
Taking a deep breath, Serena looked back in David’s direction. Behind him was a handsome couple, the woman slightly shorter than David, the man only slightly taller. With the woman’s hair a glossy white and the man’s dark, speckled with gray and silver, they made Serena think briefly of a cute salt-and-pepper set.
The image had her smiling when David and what must be his parents stopped in front of her. His blue eyes widened in surprised recognition, sweeping over her body.
“Nice dress,” he said after a moment.
“I guess maybe it fits me better than I thought,” she said, feeling warmth in her cheeks.
“David, aren’t you going to introduce us?” the woman behind him prompted.
“Of course. Serena, these are my parents, Lily and Blake Grant. Mom, Dad, one of the best friends I’ve been lucky enough to have, Serena Donavan. And the woman behind all this.” He gestured around the ballroom, where the items for auction were already on display along the walls and the linen-covered tables were set with plates, decorations and the evening’s program.
Lily Grant nodded crisply. “David’s told us about your spin on Time for a Cure. It’s a good idea for a good cause. Unfortunately, Blake is being somewhat stodgy about my bidding on a hot, young thing.”
Blake said nothing, but a flush c
rept into his cheeks, and David flinched. “Mother, really.”
Serena laughed. “Even in the name of charity?”
Blake’s arm around his wife tightened, and he smiled for a moment. “I’m afraid I’m quite possessive. Lily, these old bones are sore from all that walking around today. Why don’t we sit and let them discuss business?”
As Blake steered her toward the reserved table David pointed out, Lily turned to say over her shoulder, “The toes are an inspired touch, dear.”
David raised an eyebrow. “Guess she’s talking to you.”
They both glanced down at her turquoise-edged feet at the same time, then lifted their heads, coming dangerously close to banging their skulls together. After a week of deprivation, being so near him was making her head swim. From the heat in his eyes, he wasn’t unaffected himself.
“David, I—”
“No, it’s all right.” His gaze softened, and his tone was reassuring. “I’ve learned my lesson. I have been overbearing, but I’m finished with that.”
He’d misunderstood, she thought, fighting down a hysterical giggle.
Pointing up to the makeshift stage, he said, “Why don’t you walk me through the setup?”
Right. This was business, after all. But the way her emotions were swelling up inside her, she would have a tough time concentrating tonight. She hadn’t called him because she hadn’t figured out exactly what she wanted to say, and because she wanted to be sure of her feelings. It wouldn’t be fair to offer him any half measures. Looking at him now, recognizing the bubble of tender warmth inside her, she was sure.
So how did she go about this? Here’s the microphone, rest rooms are right outside, and I’m madly in love with you. Sorry I’ve been such an idiot about admitting it.
Possibly she could come up with something better.
She directed him toward the side steps of the portable stage. There was a short catwalk extending from the front of the stage, where David’s podium stood. Behind him was a makeshift black curtain. Serena would double-check each man’s costume before it was his turn to walk out.
Going all the Way Page 18