by Ashley John
“If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m a listening ear,” Caden watched as Elias sipped the beer, “that’s what I’m here for.”
Elias arched a dark brow, almost amused at how hard Caden was trying. Leaning in slightly, his dark eyes pierced into Caden’s, making his lips part. Elias’ eyes darted down to his parted lips with a smirk.
“I can smell beer on your breath,” Elias whispered, “get off your high horse.”
Caden backed away, bringing his hand up to his mouth. How could he have been stupid enough to let his brother convince him to have a ‘quick beer’ when he was just trying to pass through to see how the bar was going.
“I’ll be honest with you, Elias. I had a beer in my brother’s bar before I came here, but I’m not the one with an addiction problem.”
“I’m not addicted to beer,” he laughed as he drank from the can, “I just like it.”
Caden opened the bag to look at all of the cans. Stomping on the pedal of the trashcan, he could see loads more inside. He had gone through enough beer in less than a week to sink a navy ship.
“Change is hard,” Caden crouched on the sofa next to Elias, “I get that. I want to help you.”
“What do you know about change?” Elias snapped angrily, “Look at you. I bet you have a perfect life.”
Caden had to stop himself from laughing. His life felt far from perfect; it felt like a mess.
“I was living in New York,” he relaxed into the couch, “with my partner. I thought I had the perfect life but I caught them in bed with my best friend and now I’m back in Havenmoore. Trust me, I know change.”
Elias peered at him out of the corner of his eye before staring back at the TV. Letting out an exhausted sigh, he picked up the remote control and switched off the box.
“You ever tried cocaine?” Elias crossed his arms across his chest, his legs wide open so that his package was resting on the sofa cushion.
“No.”
“Then you have no idea what I’m going through. I’m not suffering with addiction. Cocaine isn’t as addictive as people make out. Most people can take it or leave it. It’s the feeling it gives you that’s addictive. Do you know how it makes you feel?”
“No.”
“It’s like a warm hug from somebody who loves you. It makes you feel on top of the world. It makes this shit world feel bearable. You don’t know anything so don’t pretend you do. You’re here because you need to be so let’s not make this any harder than it has to be.”
Turning back to the TV, Elias gritted his teeth as he breathed heavily through his nose. His eyes stared intensely at the beer can on the coffee table but he looked like he was looking right through it.
“Have you used since you left the rehab center?”
“Do I look like I have?” Elias laughed, “Do you think I’d be sitting here if I had? People think rehab is the solution but it isn’t. Rehab is easy. You have people around you all day treating you like a kid who can’t look after themselves. You’re so frustrated that you can’t take a shit without somebody looking over your shoulder that you barely notice the withdrawals. It’s when you get home and you’re left alone that it starts. I can’t sleep, I can’t think about anything else and that can of beer right there is the only thing keeping me level enough not to call my dealer.”
Caden didn’t know what to say. Elias was right; Caden wasn’t equipped to deal with his situation. You could have all the training in the world, he was only working for a local charity who didn’t have the resources to do anything other than offer support and a guiding hand. Caden wanted to be that guiding hand for Elias. The first rule was to help without letting your guard down but it was so hard to have a guard with somebody younger than him. Any of us could have ended up like him.
“I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like. The only thing I’ve ever really been addicted to was Jolly Rancher’s in junior high and I only stopped eating those because my dentist scared me to death with pictures of cavities.”
“Jesus, man,” Elias laughed, “Jolly Rancher’s?”
“I’m not trying to say I know what you’re going through but I know that you’ve been clean for ten weeks and that’s a start. You might not have had a choice in rehab but you’ve had a choice this week. It shows that you’re strong.”
Elias uncrossed his arms and dropped his hands in his lap, making Caden’s eyes dart down there with them. He rested his hands on his junk and started picking at the skin next to the nail on his thumb.
“I’m not strong,” he shook his head, “I don’t even know why I’m not using right now. I have nothing to live for.”
“Everybody has something to live for,” Caden reached out and dropped his hand on Elias’ shoulder.
He didn’t know why he did that but when Elias turned to look at it, Caden ripped it away, folding his own arms.
“If you’re done,” Elias mumbled, “you can go.”
The sadness in his eyes made Caden’s stomach knot. Elias’ arms crossed over his body, clinging to his slender bicep protectively. Any moment, he would shrink back into the furniture. Caden knew he hadn’t even scratched the surface with figuring Elias out. There must have been something stopping him from relapsing, Caden just needed to figure out what it was.
“You sure?”
Elias nodded without saying anything. Caden could see his Adam’s apple bob up and down as if he was trying to swallow back tears. He didn’t want to leave but he knew that they would need to take baby steps if there was any chance of them building a relationship so that Caden could attempt to help him.
Pushing himself off the couch, he stepped over Elias’ legs, his foot brushing against his hairy shins. Picking up his jacket from the counter, he shrugged into it. On the counter next to the phone was a blank pad and a pen. Caden knew he was breaking the rules but he quickly scribbled down his cell number.
“Anytime you need anything, I’m on the end of the phone,” he tore the paper off and held it up, “day or night.”
“I’m fine,” Elias switched the TV on.
As Elias stared blankly at the TV, pretending that Caden wasn’t even there, Caden gently slid the piece of paper under a fridge magnet of a lobster. Picking up his bag, he headed for the door, pausing to stare back at Elias. He thought about saying goodbye or offering something else but he was sure that it would fall on deaf ears.
Heading back out into the late afternoon sun, he vowed that he was going to help Elias, no matter what it took. I’m not going to lose another one.
Elias pushed through the people waiting in line at the reception desk of Ellie’s doctor’s office. Cold sweat dripped from his hair and down his face. People cried out as he made his way to the front of the line, not caring about who he had to push out of the way.
“Is she in?”
Ronda, the receptionist, knew Elias. She pursed her lips and darkened her glare as she looked Elias up and down with obvious disgust.
“She’s with a patient,” she craned her neck to look at the vocal line behind him, “you’ll have to wait in line like the rest of these people.”
“Yeah! Get to the back, Jackass,” a heavy hand grabbed his shoulder, yanking him back.
Elias turned to see a man who must be topping six foot, towering over him with a scowl. Elias didn’t care if he was going to lose, he clenched his fists, ready to pounce on the man. The intense cravings and withdrawals mixed with the adrenaline and he was about to blow.
“Elias?” Caden’s face appeared from the blur of the line, “Is everything okay?”
“No, it’s not,” the man answered for him, “this dude thought he could push through the line.”
“I’m sure it was a mistake,” Caden apologized for Elias with a smile, pulling him to one side, “what are you doing here?”
“Why do you care?” Elias yanked his arm free as Caden attempted to continue to pull him to the side, “I need to get in there.”
“Are you sick?” Caden�
�s eyes danced over Elias, looking for a sign of what was going on, “You look like you’re running up a fever.”
Caden’s hand headed towards Elias’ forehead but he batted it away. Quickly wiping away the sweat, his eyelids fluttered as he ran his fingers through his short hair. He could only think about one thing and it was driving him insane.
“Come outside for some fresh air.”
“I don’t want air!” Elias cried, catching the attention of Ronda who fired him a warning glance, “I need to see my sister.”
Caden somehow managed to navigate Elias towards the seats lining the wall of the doctor’s office. Under a poster about the effects of alcohol on the body, Elias doubled over in the chair, leaning his arms on his knees as he panted for breath. Knowing that it was all in his mind didn’t make things any easier. All he wanted was something to take the edge off because alcohol wasn’t doing that anymore.
Focusing on his breathing, he slowly felt his throat open up, not even realizing at first that Caden was gently rubbing his back. It felt foreign and comforting; Elias wasn’t sure if he liked it. He wanted to launch at Caden, to tell him to leave him alone but the adrenaline had completely vanished.
“What happened?” Caden asked softly, his hand still rhythmically rubbing between his shoulder blades, “What’s triggered this?”
“Nothing’s triggered anything,” he snapped, “I just need to see Ellie. I just need something to calm me down. I can’t do this.”
Caden’s hand worked its way firmly up and down Elias’ spine, the more he rubbed, the more surface area he covered. Sitting up straight, the hand disappeared and Elias stared up towards the light, not wanting to admit that Caden had managed to calm him down.
“You could have called me for some help,” Caden leaned his head against the poster, joining Elias is staring at the light, “I would have come.”
Elias couldn’t deny that he had spent the couple of days since Caden’s visit staring at the number on the refrigerator. More than once, he had found the phone in his hand but he didn’t know why. Caden was just some support worker who he could already sense was trying too hard. He’s wasting his time on me, I’m beyond help.
“You can’t help me,” his head rolled along the wall, “I’m just prolonging the inevitable. I’ll give in eventually.”
“Or,” Caden sucked the air sharply through his teeth, “you keep pushing through and eventually you’ll see the light.”
“Fuck, man. Not everything has a silver lining,” Elias clenched his eyes tight, trying to block out the rising chatter of the busy reception area.
“You’re right. It doesn’t. Some things are broken and can’t be fixed but I don’t think that’s you.”
“How do you know that?” Elias opened his eyes and tilted his face to stare at Caden.
Caden did the same, his pale green eyes glittering under the harsh strip lighting. A network of fine lines surrounded his eyes as his cheeks peaked into a soft smile. It made Elias’ stomach flutter in a way he didn’t recognize. Dismissing it as hunger, he clenched his jaw as he waited for Caden to respond.
“I don’t,” Caden shrugged softly, his pale lashes fluttering, “it’s just a feeling.”
Elias looked down to the paper clutched in Caden’s hand, instantly recognizing it as a prescription form waiting for a doctor’s signature. It was folded but from the letters he could see, it looked like a prescription for Methadone.
“What you doing here, anyway?” Elias asked.
Caden caught Elias’ eyes on the paper and he quickly tucked it into his pocket, straightening up.
“I’m dropping something off for one of my mom’s patients,” he explained, “confidential.”
“Heroin addict?”
Some of the older addicts at rehab had been withdrawing from heroin and they’d been allowed Methadone while their bodies were coping with the sudden loss of the drugs. They were the only people in the place allowed any kind of drug to make things easier.
“I can’t say,” Caden’s smile said it all, “but they’re in a tough place. They have it worse than you.”
“Is that possible?” Elias laughed, rubbing his sweaty palms together.
The door to his sister’s office creaked open and an old lady clutching a handkerchief to her nose shuffled out. Before Ronda could call for the next patient, Elias bolted, leaving Caden behind.
“What can I-,” Ellie’s voice trailed off when she saw her brother, a frown instantly forming, “I’m working.”
She dropped her pen on the table and leaned back in her chair in front of the window looking out onto Havenmoore’s floral square. Perfectly manicured fingernails clutched the edges of her expensive chair.
“Nice to see you too,” Elias quickly sat in the chair, “this won’t take long. I just need something.”
“No,” swaying her short, dark hair, she leaned forward with a dry smirk on her face, “get out of here. I have real patients to see.”
“Please,” he pleaded, “hear me out.”
“There’s nothing you can say to convince me to help get you high. I’ve done that before and I almost lost my license because of it, Elias. This is your mess. You clean it up.”
She had only ever helped him out before because Elias would usually blackmail her with something. It was usually something emotional to make her crack. He always hated himself for doing that but he never felt like he had any choice. He just needed something to keep his mind off the drug he really craved.
“I’m trying, I really am,” he scratched his scruffy hair with both hands as his tongue flicked against his lip ring, “honestly, I didn’t touch anything.”
“You smell like a brewery,” she wrinkled her nose.
“It’s just beer. Nothing else, I swear.”
Ellie’s doctor eyes wandered over him, quickly examining him. His eyes may have been bloodshot from the lack of sleep but they weren’t extremely dilated.
“You promise me you’ve not touched anything?”
“I promise,” he held his pinky finger out, “pinky swear.”
It was something they used to do as kids and neither of them dared to bring out the ‘pinky swear’ unless they were being truthful. Ellie stared at the pinky but she didn’t reach out to join in.
“I believe you,” she gritted her sharp jaw tightly, “but why?”
“Why?”
“Why haven’t you cracked? It’s been a week, so why are you still clean?”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Elias tried to laugh it off.
“You’ve been to rehab before and you’ve come out making bold claims about trying to stay clean. This time, you haven’t touched anything. Why?”
Elias didn’t want to tell her why. He didn’t want to admit that hearing that his nephew looked up to him had shaken him and got under his skin. He didn’t want to be a role model to a kid. I can’t even look after myself.
“Kobi needs an uncle,” he wiped the sweat from his brow, “and I’m trying for him. I don’t know why, but I’m really trying not to crack.”
“You’ve never cared before. Does this have anything to do with the fact you nearly died this time?”
“Don’t.”
“No, I will,” Ellie leaned across the table, “I was the first one they called. You’d taken so much coke you were about to meet your maker. You almost died, Elias. I almost lost you.”
“I know!” he cried, hands slamming on the table, “Damn, do you think I don’t know all of this?”
“No,” she shrugged and laughed, “because you keep doing this to us! You always go back to your default settings, hurting everybody around you. You’re selfish Elias, and you always have been.”
“I know I’m selfish!” he said, “But I’ve been the only person to ever have my back, so what do you expect?”
“Don’t start with that shit,” she laughed, “we had the same childhood and I turned out fine.”
It was Elias’ turn to laugh. Does she really be
lieve that? Looking her dead in the eyes, he knew she didn’t believe it when she couldn’t sustain the gaze.
“The difference was, you had the brains and I might as well have been invisible.”
“You have a brain,” she rolled her eyes, “you just never knew how to use it.”
Leaning back in the chair, Elias rubbed his face, exhausted from the sudden therapy session. He knew it was a long shot coming to see his sister. In vain, Elias hoped Ellie would have helped him out even if part of him secretly hoped she wouldn’t. When he heard a plastic bottle rattle on the desk, he moved his hands and opened his eyes.
“What are those?” he stared at the orange plastic.
“Anti-depressants,” she pushed the bottle across the desk, “Cymbalta, from my personal stash.”
Elias reached out and snatched up the bottle before his sister could change her mind. It wasn’t what he had been expecting but it was something.
“Why do you need anti-depressants?” he asked.
“Well, my brother is in and out of rehab, my husband doesn't talk to me and my mother doesn’t know how to hug me,” she shrugged, “they’re a last resort. Take them before you go to bed and they’ll help you sleep. You’ll wake up feeling a little calmer. It can take a few days but you’ll settle out eventually and you’ve got enough for a couple of weeks.”
Smiling, he nodded his thanks, knowing he didn’t need to say it. Arching her eyebrows to the door, Ellie let him know that he had over stayed his welcome. He opened the door and the guy from the line huffed heavily as he pushed past him.
“Everything done?” Caden was still sitting in the chair he had left him in.
Patting the pill bottle in his pocket, Elias nodded, ready to get back to his apartment and away from the crowds of people. He wasn’t used to having to deal with so much on a clear mind and he was starting to wonder how everybody else lived with the madness of the world without a little help.
“Hey, Elias,” Caden called after him as he headed for the door.
“What?”