by H. Q. Frost
~~*~~
"You sure you don't want to wear a tie?" my mom asks for a second time.
"No tie," I mumble while I stiffly stand by the front door waiting for her and Tony.
"Well you're handsome anyway."
My stomach is rolling with the thought that I'm going to see Nyla. This isn't a casual run-in like at the grocery store. There is so much wrong with this situation I don't know what I'll say to her.
"You're going to sweat your balls off," Tony quietly mutters while he walks out the front door.
I shake my head and get in the backseat, wiping my sweaty palms on my knees.
"You don't have to go just 'cause your mom wants you to." He glances at me in the rearview then back at the house, making sure she's not approaching.
"I know," I mutter and look out the window.
My mom smiles back at me when she gets in. "You look nice."
All I do is smile because I know that means I usually don't. And I don't. I'm usually in worn out, cut up t-shirts because I work a landscaping job. Today I'm in a blue button up with black pants and I had to borrow a pair of CJ's shoes because I don't have dress shoes. After realizing this, I started to dwell on a lot of things in life that I don't have but need…
~~*~~
My pants absorb the sweat from my clammy palms for the tenth time while I walk in behind Tony. With my gaze down, I try to avoid unprepared for eye contact. I want to spot her first, but don't want to seem desperate. This really shouldn't be on my mind while I'm at the man's funeral, and I'm honestly not here because of Nyla; she was why I wasn't going to come.
The first person I notice is Nyla's mom standing at the front of the room talking to another woman. She's not hard to miss. Complete opposite of Nyla. Nyla's got natural beauty, whereas her mom's paying for hers. My gaze slowly drifts and I see her. My body reacts differently than when we were in the parking lot because I've been waiting for this for two days and there's a nervousness inside that's making it hard to stay focused. She's here, beautiful, hurting, and hugging some man. Not until my mom touches my arm do I look away and feel like an idiot for staring that long.
"I'm going to say hi," she quietly tells me while pointing at Nyla.
The first thing I'm feeling comes out, "I gotta step outside," and I make my exit, not waiting around for my mom's worry.
The second I'm out the doors and in the muggy heat I realize I made a stupid move. If I thought I couldn't breathe inside the air-conditioned building, it's only worse now.
I want to be there for her, make the hurt stop, but it's not my place anymore. When she took my number the brief encounter we had, I fooled myself we'd reconnect. Maybe in no other way than a friendship, but now we're only reconnecting because of her dad's death. I shouldn't be feeling like I'm in a room that's closing in, but the girl I never stopped loving is inside that building, probably having forgotten she ran into me a couple weeks prior. I need to get shit together; my lack of confidence is only making me feel more insane.
When I wipe the sweat beads from my forehead I grimace at my slick palm then unbutton the first two buttons to my shirt. I'm considering going back inside and getting the keys from Tony so I can sit in the car with the AC. It takes a little while but I muster up the courage to go back in. Only to get the keys because I'm scared shitless to face seeing her with another man, and hurting over her father. It was stupid for me to come but I would have been a royal dick not showing up.
"Dom?" Her voice sends an unnerving chill through me and I spin around to be face to face with the pages of my book.
Her lip quivers and face contorts before she's closing the gap between us and wrapping her arms around me, burying her face in my chest. My fingers slide into the back of her curls and I close my eyes, resting my cheek to the top of her head. That now unfamiliar sense of comfort starts to calm my pounding heart.
"I'm so sorry, La," I whisper.
Fuck if that statement isn't for much more than the loss of her father. She squeezes me tighter and I feel the bounce in her chest as she cries. My fingers gently pull through her tight curls, going slow like I used to. If we weren't at her dad's funeral I'd have a lot to say right now, but none of it is appropriate for the reason we're back together. I want to take her out of this situation and see that smile that made me hopeless for the girl.
"I'm glad you're here," she says after almost ten minutes of tears in my chest. Her fingers wipe over the wet spot on my shirt and I grab her hand, raising her fingers to my lips.
This isn't what I need to be doing, and when she looks up at me and pulls her fingers away the second they touch my lips, I regret doing that.
"God," she breathes and looks around like she wants to get away from me.
The second her eyes drop to the buttons on my shirt that I opened to try and breathe, I start buttoning them. "I was hot in there."
"It's eighty-six." She softly laughs and wipes at her face. "God, I can't believe this. Seriously." She's staring up at me and her lips are giving me as much of a smile as she can muster.
"I was pretty shocked when I heard. I'm sorry, La."
"La." She chuckles and looks away, pushing her hair behind her ear. "I haven't heard that name in years and when you called me that in the parking lot the other day I got so happy." With a roll of her eyes she wipes her face. "I'm sorry we couldn't actually catch up. Annoying friend and then… my dad suddenly got sick." Her exhaled shaky breath makes me want to hold her again. "How are you? Are you good?" A look of concern meets my face.
"We don't have to do this now. Today isn't about me—"
"I know," she interrupts and chuckles looking away. "But it's a better subject than…" Gesturing toward the doors, she glances behind her then quickly steps to the side as a man walks out.
"Ny." His hand extends for her to take and I wait. "Your aunt's looking for you."
I'm staring at this guy that has an eerie resemblance to me, and I want to laugh. His eyes hit mine and we're staring at each other for an uncomfortable few seconds.
"My bad." He steps forward then extends the hand Nyla never took. "Brad."
"Dom." Nyla softly clears her throat and looks at our shaking hands while she says, "This is Brad."
"Got that." I smirk at her, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Dom's an… old friend." She's fiddling with her fingernails, and as much as I want to laugh at her explanation, I want to put her out of her awkward misery.
"Get in there. I don't want to hold you up. It was good seeing you." Looking over at Brad, I nod at him then turn around and head toward Tony's car like I can get the fuck out of here.
I don't even fucking have keys.
"Dom," Nyla calls and I glance behind me, seeing she's jogging across the lot. "Are you leaving?" she asks as she approaches and wraps her arms around me.
"Um. Actually no. My mom's still in there." I chuckle with embarrassment.
"Are you… Do you… Will I see you again?"
"I don't know, La." I let her go and push the hair out of her face because when I'm face to face with the only thing I want, it's hard to walk away. "You live around here or Seattle?"
"I'm in Seattle."
"You have my number. Anything you need, La, I got you."
"I didn't get to tell you before, but I'm happy you're out." Her quiet words are sincere but I hate hearing them come from her. "Are you coming back inside?" She points behind her.
"Yeah. I gotta get some keys."
Her arm wraps with mine and she starts marching me back toward the doors. I glance around for the husband that's not outside anymore.
"I can't wait to see your mom." The tone of her voice is suddenly like we're not here for the reasons we are.
I'm fucking ecstatic my presence is making her happy, but fact of the matter is, her dad's dead and she's got a man so I need to get off my cloud and be prepared for a massive letdown.
"Do you see your mom?" she whispers, looking everywhere but toward the casket, where m
y mom's standing damn close.
"She's up front, La. Don't worry about it, she'll find you before she leaves."
And I'm going to suggest we leave any minute.
"Hey." Brad takes her hand that's still holding my arm and he pulls her toward him, officially pissing me the fuck off. "Your aunt." He nods toward the back.
"Dom, I'm—"
"Go on, I'll tell my mom to find you."
While she's staring at me, her gaze is shifting like she's finally understanding my disposition here. Like she finally realizes I don't want to be here. The last thing I want to see is the only man I respected in my youth dead in a casket. The second from last thing I want to see is Nyla with another man.
Brad's not really giving her an option as he pulls her away, and I'm not sure if I want to shake her for allowing it, or rock his jaw for doing it.
"Mom," I quietly whisper, interrupting from behind her and she pauses then glances back at me.
"Dom, where'd you go?"
"Outside. I saw Nyla." I point toward the back and tell her, "Go say hi and we should go." I glance at the girl she's talking to, having no idea who she is or how my mom knows her.
"I know you." She grins at me and I cock my eyebrow because I don't know her.
I only met a handful of people from Nyla's family, and that was from her mom's side while at that wedding. I don't think this girl was one of them though.
"I'm Mandy." Her hand extends. "You don't know me, but I'm a friend of Ny's. We went to college together. Your mom's a patient at my office." She nods toward my mom, and I don't know what kind of office or patient, but I don't really care right now.
I shake her hand and tell her, "Nice to meet you," even though I don't mean it, but she's staring at me like I should be happy to be in her presence.
"I'm going to find Nyla." My mom excuses herself and touches my arm.
"We were supposed to meet. The day of your graduation," Mandy says while slowly letting my hand go, making sure her palm slides down my fingers.
She's cute, but Nyla's friend being shady at Maleek's funeral is fucked up.
Shoving my hands into my pockets, I nod and watch Nyla at the back of the room. She's trying to smile, latched onto Brad's fucking arm, and I've never regretted life harder than right now. I don't know if I'm regretting ever meeting her, or regretting how my life turned out.
When she sees my mom, she stops talking and immediately lets go of Brad's arm, quickly meeting my mom for a hug that they both hold onto for a few minutes.
"Dom?" Mandy gets my attention back but I'd rather be staring at the back of the room. "Are you ignoring me?" She giggles and I rub my chin with a smirk 'cause I have no idea what she said. "So it's kind of a surprise but you should come."
"Uh… What day?" I don't know what she's talking about, but I get the gist. Some sort of surprise party.
"Give me your number and I'll text you details."
I stare at her a minute and she chuckles. "I'm not going to blow up your phone. I'll just give you some details where we'll be and when."
I hand over my cellphone; it's one more connection to Nyla. I should have gotten Nyla's phone number but there's probably a reason she didn't want me to have it. And that reason is standing at her side with his hand on her hip.
"Okay, so, we'll be in touch." Handing my phone back, Mandy rolls her eyes, pissed I ignored most of what she said. Then she saunters away like this is a fucking bar and not a funeral.
Surprised by the shady girl, my eyes shoot to the casket and the pang I feel in my chest when I see the body is a familiar hurt I've grown accustomed to in my life. I approach and kneel before the man I thought would one day become my father-in-law. That's not why this hurts though. Not only is a respected man in an early grave, but I know how bad this has to be hurting Nyla.
My vibrating phone in my pocket brings me to my feet and I step out of the viewing room before pulling it from my pocket and seeing Iesha's number.
"Hey," I answer as I remember the situation I've gotten myself in with the woman.
"You busy?"
"Uh, what's up?" I glance back toward the room as I head outside.
"I'm inviting you to dinner tomorrow. If you have the time. Them boys won't stop talking about you." She chuckles. "Just some spaghetti."
"What time?" I glance around and relief hits when I see Tony on the phone by the car.
"Six work?"
"Sounds good. I'll see you then. You need something?"
"Nothin'. Just you at this dinner. No toys this time. You're spoiling them."
"All I heard was toys for the kids. I'll come with gifts. See you tomorrow." I hang up before she can say anything and head for Tony.
"Where's your ma?" he asks hanging up the phone.
"Inside still."
"I was hoping we could leave. How's your ex?"
With a shrug I tell him, "I think as good as she can be."
"Her husband seems kind of douchey, huh?"
"Is that Brad?" I ask with a quirked eyebrow.
"I didn't get his name but when you went MIA he was looking for your ex like she ran off on her dad's funeral. He uh." He chuckles and rests his arms on the roof of the car. "Kinda looks like you, eh?"
"Wasn't sure if I was the only one that noticed," I mutter and look behind me. "We need to get the fuck out of here."
"I'll go find your mom."
Before I think to ask for the keys, he's walking inside the building and I huff, leaning against the car. As my head falls back and I groan because I just want the fuck out here, I hear my name being called. I'd recognize her voice anywhere so I quickly look.
"You were going to leave without saying goodbye?" Her words are said with a broken heart and her eyes are holding tears.
"You're busy, La. I didn't want to interrupt." Without giving her the option, I pull her into a hug, dying inside seeing her upset.
"Don't just leave without saying bye though. I haven't seen you in seven years except the damn parking lot for three minutes, Dom." She pulls her head from my chest to look up at me.
"If you need me, you've got my number."
"Thanks," she mutters and looks down briefly before meeting my eyes again. "Thanks for coming. I guess I'll see you around maybe." Her eyes are more brown than green today and I remember those color changes being a dictation to her mood.
Before I grab her face and kiss away the sadness, I break our stare and that sends her back into the building. I should have kissed her but I don't know if I have it in me to be that guy.
~~*~~
"That was nice," mumbles from my mom on the ride home.
"You guys think you can give me a ride home?" I ask and she looks back at me with a frown I hate seeing on her face.
I can't deal with that look from the women I love anymore today.
"I was hoping we could get dinner together?"
I don't want dinner, I want to get home, but that look on her face has me nodding and saying, "That's cool."
It feels like a nuclear bomb went off in my chest and the toxic chemicals are seeping to my brain.
"Dom?" my mom says and I look up from my plate, realizing she must have been talking to me. "Nyla looked nice. She looks the same as she used to. Young, refreshed, happy."
I feel like I'm in the path of gun fire right now. Every word she's saying is causing damage and I can't get the fuck out of this conversation.
Luckily Tony chimes in, "I think she was putting on a good face, Marilyn. She should be mourning the loss of her father but instead she's entertaining strangers." With a shake of his head he looks at me and I try to look away but it's too late. "Your burger raw? I think mine's a little too pink," he says poking at the meat between the buns.
"Uh, no." I stand. "I'll be back."
A conversation about Nyla's happiness is nothing I want to endure after today.
I resent my mom for saying she looks young, refreshed, happy. I think she looked… like Nyla. Beautiful, soothing, gone.
Agreeing to this dinner at Iesha's was a mistake. My head's been shit since yesterday and I'd rather be at home wallowing in self-pity I guess. But when I walk through the door and see the kids, a smile hits my face as they run for me. I give Iesha a hug that not only was awkward for me, but felt forced from her. After handing over the bag of groceries she told me not to bring, I direct all my attention to the kids. Until Brie shows up. She's a distraction I don't need, in a beige tank top with no bra, and shorts so short they could be underwear.
Approaching Iesha at the stove, I quietly ask her, "Rupe's brother been in contact with you?"
"No," she responds without looking at me.
"Everything been pretty quiet around here the past few days?"
"Except with that one." Her head gestures toward Brie who's on the floor with the boys.
"What's going on with her?"
"Nonstop askin' about you. Then last night she had the cops at her place." Her rolling eyes stop and land on me. "I've known her since she was a kid so I won't ignore her, but she's nothin' but trouble."
"You gotta do what's right for your kids," I quietly tell her while stepping closer.
When she looks up at me, I don't know how to read her expression but I lean in for a kiss that I'll force until it feels right. My option to have Nyla is long gone so I need to move on, and I think Iesha is the next best thing. She's already got two boys I love like they were my own family. I can learn to love her. When she puts her hand on my chest and steps back, I feel like an ass.
She glances toward the living room, but they can't see us. "I thought about me and you." She glances again, making me look again, but they still can't see us. "It ain't right," she whispers and I nod feeling a strange mixture of relief and rejection. "I don't want you to go away if things go bad between us."
"It's better like this. Just friends. I'm not going anywhere." I grab plates from the cupboard and try to distance the awkwardness with actual distance.
Her heavy sigh is screamed through a megaphone in my head so I walk back over to her.