by Marge Piercy
“But would you like it?”
“We pretty much take intermarriage for granted, there’s been so much of it. I wouldn’t like it if you raised the grandchildren Christian, frankly, but until you have children, it’s not a pressing issue—and you have enough troubles.”
“I don’t have any religion. My parents are Episcopalian, but it never had a pull on me. It seemed a matter of social importance and social class…. I just want you to know how happy I am to be part of your family and how much I want to be part.”
“That’s very sweet, but let’s not deal with religion right now. We have enough to worry about.”
When she was in bed that night back in her dormitory room, with Emily mumbling in sleep and sighing heavily, she realized she had forgotten entirely about the gun. Sometime she would find a way to bring it up, but it felt less urgent. Being around Nadine and Si made everything seem normal. She was particularly grateful to them for treating her as if she were really and truly married to their adopted son. Actually they were very good to him. When she thought about it critically, it seemed to her that he had greatly exaggerated his alienation in his adopted family. She only wished she had ever felt as doted on as he seemed to be. But of course if she brought that up, he would go on about his executed father. Well, she could hardly complain about his being treated well, because they were also treating her kindly. That seemed to be part of the family package.
The computer arrived, and she promptly switched over her few programs to the new computer and lugged the old one out to the trash. Emily was at a game cheering on Fern, but Melissa had begged off.
Melissa did not look forward to Christmas vacation, when she would be in Philadelphia for weeks under Rosemary’s scrutiny. By now, she simply hated to go “home”—she put it in quotation marks in her head. Blake was home to her. The Ackermans seemed to have accepted her, if only provisionally. She was part of a different family from her own, one that she liked better. She even got on with Blake’s sister. Still, she knew she would not feel grown up after a few hours in the town house. She would feel years younger and infinitely less capable and in control. Why did she have to go and give a performance? She wanted to declare her loyalty, her union with Blake. She wanted the battle to be in the open. They would cast her out and only gradually come to accept her marriage, if ever. Maybe she would even get in touch with Rosemary’s mother and father, her grandparents.
ON MONDAY, Jamal was waiting for her outside her eleven o’clock, at the time and place Blake usually met her. “I been trying to call you on your cell phone,” he said accusingly.
“Professor James makes us keep them off. If one goes off in class, you get thrown out and are not allowed back in for a week.” She shrugged. “What’s up?”
“It’s what’s coming down. The feds raided Blake’s room. They grabbed both his computers and a lot of other stuff.”
Blake had spent part of Sunday downloading stuff from one computer to the other, but he hadn’t had time to finish. She remembered the gun instantly. “Do you know what else they took?”
“Looked like papers mostly. I heard them barge in, and I went into the hall to see what was happening. Blake signaled me to tell you.”
She realized she was clutching herself across her breasts. She didn’t want anyone else overhearing them, so she started slowly walking down the hall and then outside into the cold. “They didn’t get anything from his drawers…I mean…or under his bed?”
“You thinking about his piece. He could tell somebody been going through his stuff maybe a week ago, so he laid it on me to keep for him.”
“That’s good,” she said, letting her breath out and making herself try to breathe normally. “So they didn’t find it.”
“He got that in Philly, like he must’ve told you. Hadn’t had it but maybe a week when he was sure somebody messing with his stuff.”
And she had tried to be so careful. “I thought he was being paranoid…. Did they arrest him?”
“They took him away for questioning.”
“I’m going to call his father right now.”
“Good thinking. You stay cool, girl. I don’t know what this about, but don’t freak and don’t talk to no one yet—except his daddy, one bad lawyer. Course you know they always after him because of his real daddy.”
“You knew about that?” She was mortified. Had Blake trusted everyone in the world except her?
“I come from the ’hood. Course I know. Everybody in the old crew knew about Blake and Toussaint. It’s like he had Malcolm X for his daddy.”
Her hands were sweating so badly she could hardly get her gloves off to use her cell phone. She retreated to a bench beside one of the sidewalks through campus. She called the Ackerman house immediately and got the answering machine. However, it gave office numbers for Nadine and Si. She tried Si first.
“He’s in a meeting. Would you like to leave your name and number?”
“This is an emergency. It’s about his son, Blake.”
“Hold, please.”
As she expected, Si came on within a minute. “What is this?”
“It’s Melissa—”
“I figured it was. What’s so important?”
“I just heard that Blake’s room in the dormitory was raided this morning.” She filled him in with what little she knew.
“Call Nadine and tell her. I’m going to get right on finding out where they took him and what’s going on. Had he gotten rid of his old computer?”
“He was still transferring programs and stuff. I’m sure this has to do with the pardons and the paroles.”
“Don’t say anything more. Call Nadine.”
She obeyed his instructions and called Nadine. “Oh shit,” Nadine said. “I’ve been afraid of something like this. What’s Si doing?”
“He’s going to try to find out where the feds took Blake.”
“Sit tight.” Nadine was silent for a moment. Melissa could imagine her scratching her head, setting her white hair on end. “If they haven’t come after you yet, you might be safe for the time being. Don’t do or say anything to call attention to yourself. One of you in custody is one too many. I’ll be back in touch when we know more. Leave your cell phone on.”
She was too nervous to go to class that afternoon. Emily had not got back for lunch, but they ate supper together. “Emily, don’t answer any questions about me. You don’t know anything. Don’t even let on you know we’re married.”
“I won’t. But what’s this about?”
“You don’t want to know, believe me. You know Blake’s into hacking sometimes. I figure he hacked into someplace sensitive and they’ve caught him.”
“What’s that got to do with being married to you?”
“I didn’t do any hacking into databases or whatever, but what would that matter if my name came up? My parents would kill me if I got involved.” She hated lying to Emily, but it would be a disservice to tell her the truth.
Melissa was so frightened, she felt icy. She seemed capable of operating as if normally, speaking in a calm voice, shoveling food into her mouth and chewing it, nodding and greeting acquaintances and classmates. She had reached a state of numbness. She was so frightened, her nerves had cut off. She knew she was afraid, but she could not feel a thing. It was as if fear were sequestered in some bony box deep in her body and held there, radiating a deep and deadly chill quietly in the background of consciousness.
Why didn’t Si or Nadine call her? Why didn’t they let her know what was happening? She was Blake’s wife, she had a right to know. But she could not come forward as his wife. Sometimes she simply could not remember why. She could not remember why they had been carrying on this dangerous game of spying on her father. She should simply break off with her family, try to forget them and let them forget her. Let them pretend she was dead. She should have pried herself loose and just walked away. Why had she let Blake talk her into concealing their marriage? So he could continue his vendetta against her fa
ther. What did that matter now? Being together mattered, building a life, making their own way in the world and forgetting about his father and hers. Letting go of the past. Why hadn’t she insisted?
Emily was talking. Her lips were moving and words dribbled out. Melissa nodded and made noises in her throat that seemed sufficient to satisfy Emily. Melissa had not insisted, she realized, because she had so much anger toward Rosemary and Dick and her older siblings. She wanted her father’s attention, yes, but perhaps even more she had wanted to punish them for their long disregard of her, for their neglect and disrespect, for always putting her dead last. She would be first now if only through hurting them. That was what she had wanted, she realized in the clarity of her fear, even more than she wanted Blake. Her anger toward them had been the spine of her being for years and years. It was an essential part of who she was: that was why she had not insisted on being truthful with them. That was why she had not walked away. Her anger at them was greater than her love for him. She had pretended he was the instigator, but after demurring and dragging her feet, she always joined in. She had never thrown her energy or the weight of her attachment and feelings into resisting him, because she was too spiteful.
“Hey, kid. Are you here?” Emily was tapping her arm.
“I’m sorry. I’m so worried and confused, I just spaced. What were you saying?”
“I was wondering how we could find out where they took Blake. And maybe you should go over to his room. Maybe there’s some clue to what they wanted.”
She didn’t believe that for a minute, but she wanted to go there anyhow. She had a silly hope that she would go to his room as she so often did, and Blake would be there, grinning at her. “All a mistake,” he would say. “Just a big fuck-up. No problema. My babes was worried for nothing.”
No, she didn’t believe there was no problem, but she had to go, now that Emily had put the idea in her head. “Come with me. Let’s go see what happened over there.”
“Sure, but can I finish my ice cream first? Aren’t you going to eat yours?”
Melissa could not remember eating anything, but indeed there was a dish of strawberry ice cream melting in front of her. “You take it. I’m too nervous.”
Blake’s room was torn apart. His computers were missing, and the papers on his desk were gone. His drawers had been dumped out, both in his desk and in his dresser. The skim of thick ice over her fear cracked and she could taste it like blood in her mouth. Her hands were shaking. She thought she might throw up, but she managed not to.
Jamal came to the door. “Heard anything?”
“I’m hoping his parents will find out what’s going on.”
“You called them, right?”
“Both of them. You haven’t learned anything else?”
“They were asking questions about him. But nobody wanted to give them anything. Blake hangs to himself a lot but people like him. He never has a bad word for anybody. You know what this is about, don’t you?”
“Maybe,” she said.
“But you don’t want to talk about it?”
She shook her head.
“Cool,” Jamal said. “Later.”
Emily cleared her throat behind her. Melissa realized with a start that she had forgotten to introduce them, so she quickly did. Then Emily and she went back to their dorm.
“What did he mean, You know what this is about?” Emily asked.
“Well, I didn’t want to sound like a dweeb. I don’t know a thing…. He must have hacked into something sensitive. I’m going to call his parents again.”
Only the answering machine seemed to be home. Phil appeared at her door and immediately started blurting out his fears. “We’re all going down! It’s Blake’s fault. I don’t know what to do!”
She seized him by the elbow, walking him to the stairwell and pushing him down on a step. “Shhhh. Don’t go around telling people what they don’t need to know.”
“How did they track Blake down? How did they know to grab him?”
“How do I know? I’ve spoken with Blake’s parents, and they’re in a much better position to find out the facts.”
“Are they going to let us know?”
“I assume they’ll call me as soon as they can.”
He gave her his card, with his cell phone number and e-mail address. She thought it pretentious of him to have a card. She did not know anyone else in college who had cards printed and handed them to people.
“Call me as soon as you know anything.”
“Sure.” She was glad to get rid of him.
She went on calling the house regularly, but she got only the answering machine until nine. Then Nadine answered. “It’s that guy, Tom Bellefontaine. They subpoenaed his phone records and they’ve been making their way through them. He called Blake, and Blake called him from his cell phone at least twice. That much we know. It’s a question of what they’ll get off Blake’s computers. After all, talking to someone on a cell phone is not in itself a crime, as we have been yelling all afternoon.”
“You found out where he’s being held?”
“Sure. Now what could they have found in his room?”
“I’ll call you back.”
To Emily she said, “They’ve located him, and it sounds like it’s all a big mistake. Anyhow, I’ll call back tomorrow and find out what’s going on. Both his parents are lawyers and they’re on it.”
She took her towel and toothbrush and went down the hall, but instead of heading into the showers, she slipped into the stairwell and called Nadine back on her cell phone. “It’s me again.” She explained her maneuver. “I don’t see any reason to get Emily more involved. She has no idea what we’ve been doing, and I think it should stay that way.”
“Smart choice. The fewer people who know, the better for both of you.”
“Can I see Blake?”
“He doesn’t want you to—”
“Oh!”
“Not like that, sweetie. He wants to protect you. It’s better for you to stay out of it, at least for now. You can communicate through me.”
“But I want to see him, I need to see him.”
“You need to do what’s best for both of you, and right now, Blake feels strongly that means staying away from him. He doesn’t want the two of you connected. He doesn’t want anyone to know about the marriage yet. You have to wait to hear from one of us, Melissa, and just stay put.”
“On his computer, he was monitoring my mother’s e-mail.”
“Did he erase it?”
“I think so. But maybe they can reconstruct the stuff.”
Nadine sighed. “This just gets worse and worse. I’ll talk with him tomorrow. At least as his lawyers, we can have private conversations with him.”
“I know he did have on his computer all that information about paroles and pardons. He was correlating the names of contributors with instances of prisoners being paroled or pardoned. I doubt if he erased that.”
“That would absolutely link him to Bellefontaine. Not good.”
“It’s all unbelievably bad.”
“Hang on, Melissa. I’ll be in touch when we learn something relevant. In the meantime, try to act normally and behave as you always do.”
“That doesn’t make sense. I’m with Blake most of the time I’m not in class.”
“Well, carry on as normally as you can and don’t call attention to yourself.”
She sat on in the echoing stairwell, clutching herself. What would happen to them? Would they both go to prison? They didn’t put married couples into prison together. How serious a crime was this? She tried to imagine prison. Images from old B movies and sensational made-for-cable movies swam through her head. She would take a shower. She would take a long, very hot shower and try to settle herself. How could she go to classes, how could she stagger zombielike through what was left of her daily routine? She could hear a score of competing records playing rap, rock, hip-hop, fusion, jazz from the rooms on her corridor. She could hear two girl
ish voices in an argument about who tore whose sweater. She could hear a hockey game on some TV. She could hear canned laughter and she could hear real laughter. A woman came up the steps, tears rolling down her face, and pushed past without looking at her. Melissa could not cry. Fear had dried her tear ducts. She could only clutch herself and shudder, wondering what lay ahead for Blake and for her, separately or together.
• CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE •
Blake was back and in her arms. They lay grasping each other in his room. They had fallen into bed and made love in a trance of desperation, digging at each other, thrusting as if they could totally interpenetrate and fuse. Now they were spent but still entwined. She felt sore and on the verge of tears.
“I should have made you stop this months ago. I feel so guilty. I feel as if I sacrificed you to my anger against my parents.”
“That’s nonsense, babes. I have my own agenda, and it involves my father. All my life since his death, I’ve carried the burden of needing to clear his name and avenge him. I would have tried to do that even if I’d never met you.”
“But I got you in much deeper than you could have gone on your own.”
“You’ve been a big help, but I’d have done it anyhow. It would have taken me longer to get the same information, but I would have kept at it.” With a hand under her chin, he lifted her head to stare into her with his large luminous dark eyes. “I’m sorry I got caught, but I’m not sorry we tried to do what we did. Maybe it’ll still do some damage.”
“Did they hurt you?”
“They were rough at first, but nothing serious. After Si and Nadine showed up, they were careful with me.”
“Is it over?”
“Not nearly. They took my old computer.”
“You erased everything damaging, didn’t you?”
“Of course. I downloaded onto zip disc everything hot, and I gave it to Jamal for safekeeping. I trust him more than Phil—”