by Lana Grayson
It’s early, isn’t it?
I’m up at 5 every morning.
I giggled. Good thing you don’t wake anyone with the alarm.
I also don’t need to worry about doing my morning prayers naked.
Oh, that wasn’t fair. Those terrible, wonderful images swarmed my mind. Father Raphael—bowed in prayer, concentrating, regal. Those hardened muscles straining as he prayed on his knees.
I didn’t let myself imagine anything else.
The distance granted by phone made me bolder. I bit my lip.
Lead me not into temptation, Father.
I wouldn’t dream of it, my angel.
Then why did you text?
A delay. I knew you’d be getting ready for bed.
I knew his game. It might have offended me if it wasn’t so prudent.
Is this a hand-check, Father Rafe?
Would you prefer to bind your wrists before bed to ensure your purity?
Nothing pure came from those thoughts, though plenty of people came from having them.
I dropped the phone on my belly as I exorcised that riveting imagery from my mind. It didn’t work.
And the phone buzzed too low. The sensation bolted between my legs. I whimpered.
Father Raphael knew exactly what he was doing.
Be strong, my angel. I will see you Saturday for the festival preparations.
Saturday? It felt like a lifetime. But better a wait for two days than an eternity in Hell.
I wasn’t ready to flirt. I had never learned how or bothered to tease, but this conversation made me smile, filled me with wicked joy. I wished for him to feel the same ache that would make my night unbearable.
I sent the text with trembling fingers. Don’t miss me too much.
He replied with scripture.
Matthew 26:41.
I had to look it up, scrolling through my phone with a bitten lip.
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
I tossed the phone down, but I’d never sleep.
I feared the dreams I’d have of Father Raphael.
At least I’d enjoy confessing them.
8
Raphael
Benjamin didn’t have the strength to sit for his anointing.
The nurses called it a bad day. They were being polite. He hadn’t eaten, hadn’t shaved, and he lost weight since I last saw him.
In becoming a priest, we didn’t just take a vow of celibacy. We sacrificed the opportunity to begin a family. While we gained the love of a community and inspiration from the church, when it came time to pass—we’d have no wife at our side, no children, no grandchildren.
Yes, there was a Godliness in suffering, but this man had served his Lord. He lived his life for the church and even took in a runaway teenage boy who needed a home.
And he gave me more than a home.
He gave me the priesthood.
He rescued me.
And I would not have him die, bedridden and useless, sucking on oxygen alone—even if he had the comfort of Christ. The Lord loved him, but so did I.
I wasn’t ready to let him go.
“This festival…” Benjamin waved a hand over the papers I’d spread across his bed. “What are you doing with this monstrosity, Rafe?”
God only knew. I didn’t have an answer.
I rubbed my forehead, narrowly missing my eye with the pen. That might have woken me up.
I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept well the past few days. Or at all.
Men were instructed to face their fears.
But facing temptation? That took courage, strength, and mental fortitude. On Saturday, I’d worked hand-in-hand with Honor, breathing her scent and brushing her fingers, all while the women’s group, youth group, and church volunteers helped to prepare for the festival.
Then Mass.
As if I weren’t already thankful for my Holy Orders, the prayers and ritual distracted me from Honor’s singing. Beautiful words. A blessed voice rising over the choir. The hymns and chants blended the celebration into something secret for me.
I’d fallen into fitful sleep thinking of her. Dreaming of her.
And I woke as every man woke, eager for a warm body at my side.
Cold showers did little once the body broke after exhaustion. I’d allowed myself three strokes of my hardness in the shower this morning, then I denied the pleasure. That left me frustrated. Impatient.
At least Honor felt the same. Her texts this morning teased me, blaming me for her equally disturbed night’s sleep. I liked that I lingered in her fantasies, but playful texts were nothing compared to the pleasure of meeting her in the church. There, she so often turned shy. There, her thoughts truly twisted.
Dangerous games…but our kiss had returned her confidence. She’d taken the Host during Mass. Her sweet mouth had parted, and she offered that pink tongue for me to place the body of the Lord.
What blasphemy to envy Christ.
Benjamin coughed. The fluid built in his lungs, and he hacked hard.
I flinched as if he read my mind. The papers nearly scattered. I gathered them before they fell.
“This is the deacon’s work, Rafe. And the volunteers.” Benjamin didn’t wave a finger, but I accepted the chastisement. “Why are you working on this? You’re too busy with other responsibilities. How many homilies do you have to write?”
Too many. “I only had a baptism today. Light schedule.”
“You’ve always turned to projects to stay busy, when you should turn to the Lord instead.”
“I’m not—”
“What are you sorting through now?”
He’d never believe it.
“Festival politics. We doubled our festival size from last year. Now we have craft and food booths, community businesses, and other vendors setting up, including two ladies selling cosmetics. One of the cosmetics vendors applied for their spot when we first posted sign-ups. We gave it to her. Then…another vendor applied, but the cosmetic company only allows one booth of their products per event.”
Benjamin flicked his IV. “Can we speed this cancer up?”
I smirked. “Well, Judy knew the second vendor from previous festivals. I guess there was some sort of drama—”
“—Imagine that—”
“The spot went to the vendor who signed up late. Now it’s causing an issue, and I’m—”
“They needed a priest to mediate?”
“You’d be surprised how…combative they’ve become.”
“Rafe, you aren’t really—”
“It’s my parish, Father. I’m putting out fires.”
“You have greater responsibilities.”
“I know.”
“They’re more important than the festival—which your volunteers can handle.” Benjamin shifted. “And your duties are more important than visiting a dying man.”
“Don’t use that word.”
“Have some humility, Rafe. We prefer to leave this body and be at home with the Lord. I’m ready, my boy. What did I teach you?”
I knew the scripture, but I delayed speaking it. “A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.”
“I’ve shown you all I can. The Lord will show you the rest.” Benjamin rested his eyes. “Unless…you have reason to come here, something more pressing than comforting a man preparing to leave this earth?”
“No, Father.”
“You have no reason, or you are unwilling to speak it?”
I was unwilling to confess it. If I had anything to confess. In my heart, I did what was right, what I had to do to face my sins.
Good men prayed, others distracted themselves in repetitive prayer, and some lost courage and fled. If I was to be tempted, I would be tempted and face it as a man, a vessel of the Lord, and a warrior.
But my desires damned me.
I knew I would kiss her again. We wanted to taste each other
once more. But in recognizing it, confessing it to myself, gave me more power over the wicked thoughts. I’d confess if I lost control.
Until then, my sins were my own, and my triumphs belonged to Honor.
“I’m fine, Father,” I said. “Just worried about you.”
“Don’t be.” He pointed to the papers. “Pack this up, hand it to whoever is organizing your festival, and spend an hour in prayer—deep prayer, Rafe. No phones, no interruptions, no mourning. Clear your mind and heart, and you’ll feel rejuvenated.”
A man could hope.
Or pray.
I gathered my things, squeezing his hand before I left. I’d see him again before it was time…but the opportunities were dwindling. It wouldn’t be long.
And thoughts like that forced me into prayer. I could face temptation. I could confront my sins. I could kiss the most beautiful angel God had created.
But I couldn’t combat death.
Nor should I have wanted to, not when I believed his soul would never eternally die. Benjamin would simply leave me behind.
Alone.
But his presence would remain within me—in his teachings, his lessons, in how he’d shown me to conduct myself, in the way he’d help me to celebrate the Mass. I hadn’t needed him to guide me in years, but it wasn’t the future that concerned me.
It was the past.
The wounds he guarded.
The life I used to have.
The pain I traded for salvation.
I returned to the church in the mid-afternoon, just in time for an emergency adultery confession which necessitated a hastily scheduled wedding. The secretary scheduled the appropriate counseling for the soon-to-be married couple and parents, and I surveyed the diocese paperwork and readings in my email.
Benjamin asked me to pray for an hour. I wished I could. Even during my visit with him, I had resolved four crises, answered a dozen emails, and sent a flurry of texts. I knew it was foolish to try and pray during my busiest time of the day. I managed five minutes before the lock-in at St. Cecilia’s middle school had to be rescheduled and my phone rang with another festival emergency.
I didn’t have time for lunch, let alone an opportunity to pray.
Or sin.
At least, not until later.
The women’s club scheduled the festival meeting for five o’clock.
Honor arrived at four-thirty.
My angel sent from Heaven to trap me within a private Hell of pleasure and penance. She knocked softly at the door to my office. I called her inside, and the thick wooden doors closed behind her. The click of the latch echoed in our silence.
We were alone.
What a wicked thrill.
Honor had gained confidence after our kiss, after spending time with me during the last festival meeting. She knew it was possible to acknowledge our desire but deny our needs, except Honor still approached me with caution. She’d trust herself in time.
I sat behind my desk, the L-shaped, cherry wood monstrosity. It was clean and orderly, almost sparse. I took care to stay organized, another aspect of pure discipline that took as much mindful care as my physical weaknesses. I didn’t stand to greet her.
Like any wild creature, I let her come to me.
Bookshelves spanned the room. Honor studied the hardbound texts with a curious gaze.
“These aren’t all Bibles,” she said.
“No.”
“And they aren’t all religious?”
“No.”
Her elegant fingers tickled the spine of a few—Shakespeare, Bronte, Joyce, Austen, Dickens, Twain…Rowling.
“Would you like to borrow one?” I asked. “Idle hands and minds...”
She smiled, those perfectly full lips twisting as she shook her head. “Maybe if I had the time. I have enough coursework to read. Plus, I downloaded a ton of books to my Kindle before it broke. I still need to get a new one...” Her smile faded. “Well, I’ll get it when we have the money.”
I recognized her tone—a shred of optimism that stretched too thin over the bitter realism she tried to hide. I knew enough about her family, more than I felt was right to know given the circumstances and her secrecy on the matter. My heart ached for her.
And yet…a deeper, more possessive and dangerous feeling welled in me.
Protectiveness.
I wanted to return her happiness. I’d shelter her so she wouldn’t need to hide that pain and the problems that forced her to take on multiple jobs after transferring colleges. I wondered if she realized her mother’s name was listed on a variety of our charity programs.
But what could I do? Honor had refused help before, and her pride was as great a sin as lust.
I should’ve asked to help as many times as I could until she accepted it. With any other parishioner, any other time, I wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. With her? She’d hit rock bottom before she accepted my offered hand.
I pulled three menus from my drawer and tossed them over my desk.
“Pizza, Chinese, or burgers tonight?” I tipped the scales in favor of the pizza, pushing it towards the end of the desk with an arched eyebrow. “My treat for the volunteers tonight.”
“Pizza.” She took the bait and sat. “And you’re kind to do this.”
“I’m taking care of my flock. If they happen to be sated with pepperoni, all the better.”
She smirked, though her attention still fell beyond me, the menu, the books. She studied the office and distracted herself with the strap of her purse. Her foot nervously kicked the leg of the chair.
Unacceptable. I hated that she was uncomfortable.
“Honor…” Her named tasted sweet. “Look at me.”
“Father, we should get to the meeting—”
“Look at me.”
Her thick, dark lashes fluttered, and her hazelnut eyes met my gaze so fiercely, so intently, I couldn’t contain the heat within me. I wasn’t prepared for her beauty, and sin immediately hardened me.
I chastised myself. Benjamin was right. I should have prayed. For control. For stability.
For my cock to stop throbbing so near this beautiful, amazing woman.
And yet, she suffered too. She licked her quivering lip.
Did she mean to speak…or to bait me into another kiss? Could I be so bold when my body was already wracked with its own perverse shudders?
It was a test. One of many to come.
And, for the first time, I feared what might happen if I were to fail.
“Are you afraid, my angel?” I lowered my voice. It had the desired effect, trapping her in devout attention to my words, my mood, my will.
“No, Father. I’m just nervous.”
“Why?”
“You have a very…overwhelming presence.”
She meant intimidating. That hardened me more, shattering my control and straining my cock within the confines of my clothing. My saving grace was a fashion style encouraged from the Vatican. I should never have doubted the wisdom of two thousand years of celibate men wearing cassocks.
“Do you have something you wish to confess?” I teased.
Honor bit her lip, but her coy smile remained. She shook her head only once, a proud movement.
“No, Father Rafe. Nothing to confess.”
Really? I wasn’t so convinced.
“Nothing?” I asked. “Not a touch?”
“No, Father.”
My perfect angel, doing as I commanded, doing as our faiths required.
And yet...sin worked in more devious ways, and temptation lingered even when the body obeyed.
I held her gaze, stilling her breath and earning a secret shudder. “Have you indulged in impure thoughts?”
“Father—”
“Answer me, Honor.”
She twisted in her seat. Not uncomfortable, but desperate. She arched to wiggle a greater pressure against the sacred secret I imagined in my darkest, most perverse of sins.
“Yes, Father.” Her whispered words pulsed i
n my cock. “I’ve had impure thoughts.”
“How many?”
“Does it matter?”
“Contrition requires specificity, so that a priest may better grant you the forgiveness for your transgressions.”
“Okay…once.”
That wasn’t true. I arched an eyebrow. “Just once, my angel?”
Her eyes drifted lower, staring at the snow-pure white of my collar. “Just once, Father. Because every thought of you I have is impure—from the first time I met you until this very moment, I’ve suffered through a continuous desire. One thought, one fantasy after another. I sleep, and I dream of you. I wake, and I think of you.”
I swallowed, my mouth dry.
Was it possible to envy my angel for her sins?
I no longer had impure thoughts. The images of my lust didn’t take a recognizable form. They centered inside me, manifesting as the surge of blood from my veins to my cock, as the involuntary clenching that twitched my shaft.
Instinct overruled sanity. I wrapped my rosaries tight in my palm and squeezed.
It didn’t quell the desire to rut. To thrust. To overpower.
Heaven help me.
“Tell me,” I ordered.
Honor watched with wide eyes as I stood. She clutched the chair, panting a quiet breath. Embarrassed? She would be, revealing those naughty thoughts about a man who could not lust.
“Father, I thought priests didn’t need specifics.”
But where was the torment in that? “Tell me, Honor. Unburden your soul. What sin do you fantasize about the most?”
I stalked to her chair, circling behind her so she could not see me unless she turned. I doubted she would be brave enough to face me as she described in detail what dark secrets tangled her mind.
“I can’t speak them out loud,” she said.
“Afraid it might come true?” I drifted close.
“I know it won’t.”
“Then speak these evils so we can cast them from our minds. Confront this temptation, Honor. Tell me what it is you dream about, and we will fight it together.”
Or lose ourselves trying.
She trembled as I helped her from the chair. I stood her before my desk, facing the crucifix hanging on my wall. She stared ahead.
My gaze never left her.