by Brian Hodge
The inbred Whitmire never got the chance. Jimmy Lee swung the empty jug and caught the boy on the side of the head. The jug cracked and broke into three large pieces as Quinten sagged to the ground. Jimmy Lee stepped around him and strode up to Annie, ready for a hero’s welcome. His leer changed to a frown as he noticed her frightened stare at something over his shoulder.
Jimmy Lee spun. Quinten was on the ground jerking and shaking like he was having some kind of fit.
“What have you done to my boy now, Jimmy Lee?” came Quinten’s mother’s squeaky voice as she ran up to her trembling son.
A crowd began to form. Purple-tinged froth oozed out of Quinten’s mouth and several people shrieked.
“Oh My Easter Hell! Get the Preacher Men. The boy’s possessed!”
It wasn’t half a minute before Preacher Jacob and Preacher David each arrived, a dripping Super Soaker in each hand.
“Strip him,” commanded David and three men held the boy down while his mother ripped off his clothes.
Now, Jimmy Lee noticed that the purple bile was also seeping out of the shaking boy’s ass. Several of the cousins crossed themselves and backed away. There was always one that got it after every Feud. The Devil’s sneaky like that, his Grandpa had said, and it was Quinten this time. Jimmy Lee shuddered. It could have just as easily been him.
Jacob and David began shouting their prayers for exorcism and their unison voices filled the night. Quinten’s scream of pain as one Super Soaker was rammed up his ass and the other into his mouth added a high-pitched edge to the eerie chanting. His scream hit critical mass when the Preacher Men began to pump the holy water in.
Jimmy turned and grabbed Annie around the waist. He’d seen enough. Quinten would be fine after a few more pints.
Or quarts.
Or gallons.
Carryin’ On Like It Was the End of the World
by David Whitman
“Great godawmighty,” Kenny Joe whispered, wincing at the horror before him.
Judd was lying face down on a table, an ominous looking machine suspended above him. A long, thick metallic shaft ran from the machine and deeply into his ass. Blue lightning streaks were streaming from a basketball-sized metallic ball on the top. A leather-like strap was wrapped around his head and in his mouth, giving him a terrifying appearance. He looked like a reject from an amateur porn bondage video gone seriously bad. Judd looked at his three friends in a manner that could only be described as horrified, eyes pleading. To the left of the machine were dozens of buttons and controls.
It had been a fantastic evening of fishing and drinking right up until they had seen the brilliant light and heard the incredible roar of engines. Now they found themselves trapped onboard this spaceship after a brief and violent war with their captors. Max still got the shudders when he thought of Kenny Joe in that tank like a museum display, his huge plaid belly pushing up against the glass, threatening to smash it open. Luckily, those little bug-eyed bastards died easily. His heart was jumping around in his chest like an electrified frog.
“Great godawmighty,” Kenny Joe repeated.
Judd squeaked in an angry monkey-like chatter.
Max jerked at the strap around Judd’s head, trying hopelessly to ignore the pole suspended above and where it was going. “Can you hear me, buddy?”
More angry chatter answered the question as Max tried to remove the binding that ran around his friend’s skull. Bailey handed him his fishing knife. Max cut it quickly, throwing it to the side.
“Oh my motherfucking GOD get me out of this thing!” Judd shrieked.
Kenny Joe moved closer to Judd. “Does that thing hurt, Judd?”
Judd’s head whipped violently, spittle flying from his mouth like venom. “I HAVE A FUCKING ANAL PROBE IN MY ASS, GODDAMMIT! OF COURSE IT HURTS, YOU FUCKNUT!”
Kenny Joe moved around the other side of the machine, studying it with wide eyes of wonder. “Lordy, Lordy, Lordy,” he chanted, staring at the shaft in awe. He leaned in closer and scrutinized where the pole entered the anus, wincing in the way men do when they watch a woman kick a man in the balls. “I hope they at least greased that sucker first.”
Bailey nodded at the words of profound wisdom.
“MAX, GET KENNY JOE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” Judd screamed.
“Would you please stop shouting,” Max hissed, leaning into Judd’s face. “Them aliens are all over this damn ship. For all we know they’re organizing a little war party right now to come and kill us.”
“Max,” he whispered, flipping his head, indicating his friend should come closer.
“Yeah?” Max asked, putting his hand on his friend’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort.
“THERE’S AN ANAL PROBE IN MY FUCKING ASS! EXCUSE ME IF I DON’T FEEL LIKE FUCKING WHISPERING HERE!”
Max sighed and moved to the controls on the side of the machine. He looked back over at Kenny Joe and Bailey. “You guys guard that door while I figure out which one of these buttons does what. Any one of those little green fuckers come through the door, ice’em.”
Max examined the controls and knew immediately things were not going to go good for poor Judd. There were at least thirty buttons, each one covered with alien hieroglyphics.
“Max!” Judd shouted. “What the hell are you doing back there?”
Max put his finger over the first button. “I’m trying to help ya, buddy.” He gritted his teeth and pushed the button, turning quickly to face the machine. The metal shaft whirred around in a half-circle and then moved forward, burying itself about an inch deeper into Judd’s ass.
Judd gripped the sides of the pad until it seemed his knuckles were going to explode out of his flesh. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO! IT’S GOING DEEPER, GODDAMMIT!”
In panic, Max pushed the first button his fingers found. The machine hummed, the probe vibrating explosively.
Judd’s face took on an expression that could only be described as sensual pleasure.
Kenny Joe and Bailey backed into the wall, their eyes wide with alarm. Judd sighed, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.
“Jumpin’ Jesus, he’s enjoying that shit!” Kenny Joe screamed, pulling at his red beard maniacally, still retreating even though the wall held him back from continuing any further.
“I must agree,” Bailey said, his voice rising above his normal monotone. He leaned to the side to see Max. “Uh…you better do something, but quick.”
Max pushed another button, almost weeping. Sparks of lightning shot out of Judd’s ass in Technicolor rainbows of electricity, smoke filling the air in dense clouds.
Mercifully, Judd passed out.
Five minutes later, Max had managed to get the machine to stop, but the probe was still plunged deep into Judd’s anus. Max looked over at Kenny Joe and Bailey. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do.”
“Just pull it the hell out,” Kenny Joe said, his back still to the wall as he looked at Judd with the kind of fear reserved for someone who was coming to kick his ass in a bar. “It’s not like he’ll feel it, the poor bastard is unconscious now.” He slammed his hands over his eyes. “I can’t take it.”
“Well, even if he did feel it, he might like it,” Bailey commented. “Judd is seriously scaring me. He was enjoying that! His eyes were filled with zest! I’m closing my eyes too.”
Max climbed on top of the table until the probe was between his legs.
Kenny Joe opened his eyes, saw the sight before him, realized he did not like the image and quickly clamped his eyes shut.
Max grabbed the probe with both hands, braced his legs around Judd, and pulled with every ounce of strength he could muster.
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” Judd shrieked, his eyes exploding open into wide circles. “OW! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”
Max looked down, his face full of annoyance. “I’m trying to get this thing out of your ass, goddammit. You think I like doing this?” He looked over at Kenny Joe and Bailey. “You guys want to give me a hand?”
Bailey looked up at the machine. To him it appeared as if Max had somehow become entangled into Judd’s ass, pinning his friend to the table with a Terminator-style dick. It was such a nightmarish sight that he promptly fell over into unconsciousness.
Judd looked down at where the portly Bailey had fallen. “Sure, he passes out in fear and I’M THE ONE WITH A METAL POLE IN MY ASS!” He whipped his head back. “MAX, GET DOWN FROM UP THERE!”
Max ignored Judd. “Kenny Joe! Get up here and help me goddammit!”
Kenny Joe peeked out through the cracks in his hand. “No! I’m not coming near that thing.”
“Goddammit, Kenny Joe!” Max shrieked, from where he was perched on the machine. “I need your help!”
“No fucking way,” Kenny Joe hissed, closing the crack in his fingers again. “He enjoyed that shit, Max! He was sighing!”
Judd gasped. “I did not!”
Kenny Joe clamped his hands even tighter around his eyes. “Did too! And if you sigh again, I’m running!”
“I did not enjoy it, you prick! How would you like to have the machine hooked into your ass!”
“Well, I wouldn’t like it nearly as much as you seemed to!”
“You bastard!” Judd shrieked. “I’m gonna kill you!”
“KJ, if you don’t get up here and help me pull this, I’m coming down there and beat your ass like I did on Christmas day!” Max yelled.
Kenny Joe sighed, opening his eyes as little as possible. “Okay, man, but if Judd sighs again, I swear to Jesus I’m fleeing.”
“I DIDN’T SIGH, YOU BASTARD!” Judd shrieked.
Kenny Joe climbed up onto the machine, still squinting. Bailey opened his eyes, sat up groggily, looked up and saw his portly brother and Max entangled in Judd’s ass and promptly fell back into unconsciousness. His head hit the floor with a dull, meaty thud.
Judd looked down at him. “Sure, you fucker! Sleep!”
Max and Kenny Joe gripped the pole firmly, muscles tense. “Okay, on the count of three, pull!” Max shouted, closing his eyes. “One…two…three!”
They braced themselves and yanked violently, their teeth gritted.
Judd shrieked. “STOP! STOP! STOP! YOU’RE FUCKING KILLING ME HERE!”
Max and Kenny Joe climbed down from the machine dejectedly. The probe had not even moved one inch and remained deeply buried, as if it had become symbiotically merged with Judd’s body.
“Now what?” Max asked, staring at the massive machine with hatred.
Kenny Joe picked up a small pistol shaped piece of metal from one of the dead alien’s hands. “Shoot it with this thing?”
Max turned the cool gun around in his palm and aimed it at the wall. “Stand back.” He pushed a button and a red beam shot out, burning the metal with a sizzle. “This will do.”
“No way!” Judd screamed. “You’re not shooting that thing anywhere near my ass, Max!”
Max shook his head. “Be realistic, partner. Could it really be any worse?”
Judd sighed, resignation making his face look old. “Get it over quickly.”
Max aimed the alien laser at the probe and pushed the button. With one clean sweep, he managed to cut the shaft in half.
Two feet of metal still jutted from Judd’s ass, but he was no longer connected to the machine.
Max looked down at the protruding rod, amused at how it appeared as if his friend had a metallic, smoking tail. “We’ll worry about getting the rest of that thing out of your ass later. Now, we need to find a way to get off this damn ship.”
They helped Judd from the table, and awoke Bailey.
Kenny Joe stared at the shaft that stuck out of Judd’s ass and said, “Man, I wouldn’t fall down if I was you.”
Judd looked over at his friend. “Do you seriously know how close I am to killing you right now?”
“It almost looks like someone took the bitch-be-quick-stick out and plunged it in his ass,” Bailey commented.
Judd’s eyes actually looked moist with tears. The metal pole wiggled back and forth as he walked.
The hallway outside the probe room, much to their relief, was empty.
“Hell, for all we know, we could be on another planet by now,” Max said as they walked, guns aimed forward ready to shoot anything that moved.
Max was holding the alien laser in his hand like a fat-ass intergalactic space hero. Judd waddled slowly and painfully, taking wide steps as the jutting pole wiggled behind him. Kenny Joe watched the rod quiver back and forth and bit back a comment that he knew would cause a fight.
The corridor seemed to be an endless path of doors. They elected not to try any in favor of just following the passage to its completion. Minutes later, they found themselves before a purple door, dull humming emitting from the room.
They got ready, their guns held out in different angles. Max glanced back at them and he was reminded of a sick parody of Charlie’s Angels. Judd was in the middle, totally buck naked, a pole sticking out of his flabby ass. Kenny Joe and Bailey quite literally rounded out each side, their beer bellies pushing out proudly, their guns held in the air. Kenny Joe fingered his beard dramatically.
“Okay,” Max whispered. “Let’s wait for one of them to come-”
The door opened suddenly and Judd, Kenny Joe and Bailey opened fire, sending Max scurrying to the floor to avoid being killed.
The alien just stood there for a few seconds, five or six holes in its lime-colored, leathery skin, its massive eyes widening even further. It fell forward with a soft thump, a puddle of green goo pouring out of its head.
“Who’s your Daddy!” Judd yelled to the corpse, not quite aware of just how ridiculous he looked standing there with the end of an anal probe vibrating happily from his ass.
They cleared out a half a dozen aliens from the bridge rather quickly, with very little effort. Soon, the bodies of smoking aliens surrounded them, green blood covering the floor where they walked.
A massive screen showed the earth below them, lonely against the twinkling black background. The moon could be seen off in the distance like a pale, cratered apple.
Max stared down at a control panel full of buttons, each of them marked with the hieroglyphics that he had seen in the probe room. “We need to figure out how to get back down with this control panel.”
The rest of the men nodded and stared down at the buttons dumbly. “What about that one with the green and blue circle on it?” Kenny Joe suggested. “That’s the color of the earth.”
Max nodded. “Should I push it?” he asked, looking over at his friends.
“What’s the worst that can happen?” Judd asked.
“Well, that’s easy for you to say, Judd,” Bailey said, staring down. “You got a metal rod sticking out of your ass.”
Before they could start fighting again, Max pushed the button and stepped back fearfully. There was a dull rumbling underneath their feet and they braced themselves for the worst, their eyes darting around the room with growing panic.
Through the screen in front of them, they watched in awe as the biggest missile that they had ever seen floated down towards earth, spinning silently as it fell. Their mouths slowly dropped open in unison as the missile entered the planet’s atmosphere with a trail of fire and smoke.
“Oh my motherfucking god, I think you just blew up the earth,” Judd uttered, his eyes watching his home planet in amazement.
“My mama is on that planet!” Kenny Joe wailed, his hands stuck to the glass.
Max wondered how it was possible that he had just actually heard someone utter the line ‘My mama is on that planet’ in a serious tone. “You don’t know that it’s going to destroy the earth, fool,” he muttered just as the missile detonated on the planet below. A colossal, fiery cloud could be seen from their vantage point. “There, see, it only got a part of the earth. A piece is still there.”
“Looks like
some part of Europe,” Bailey said. “Mama don’t live in Europe, thank the Lord his own bad self.”
Max could see quite plainly that it was Southeast Asia, but he decided not to say anything.
“Push another,” Kenny Joe said, happy that the bomb had not killed his mother. “Just don’t push no green and blue ones.”
Max nodded and pushed a random button. Nothing happened. “We’re never going to figure out how to move this thing back to earth. This is helpless.”
Judd slapped his hands down on the control panel, pushing dozens of buttons at once. “ANAL PROBE IN MY ASS! EARTH BLOWING UP! KENNY JOE’S MAMA DEAD! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
The ship lurched forward, tumbling slowly towards the earth, faint tremors reverberating underneath their feet. Gravity was suddenly cut off and they found themselves floating around the room along with several alien corpses. Kenny Joe seemed to be stuck to the front of the view screen, while Judd floated around fearful that he was going to hit his backside on a wall. Bailey grabbed the pole in Judd’s ass in a vain effort to steady himself, sending the both of them hurling wildly through the room. They hit the wall on the other side with a sickening thud.
Luckily, Judd had hit the wall headfirst.
Max floated in front of the view screen and watched the earth grow larger before his stunned face. The ship hit the atmosphere and plunged toward the planet, the view screen detonating in sheet of fire. “Oh…shit,” he whispered.
Kenny Joe, still stuck to the view screen like a squashed bug, had a front row seat to the whole thing. He screamed and cried as they plummeted.
The ship vibrated spastically. Showers of sparks exploded from the control panels, filling the room with sulfurous smoke.
The last thing Max heard before he fell into unconsciousness was the womanly sounds of Kenny Joe’s front seat screams.
One year later:
“You’d think you’d be used to it by now,” Max said to his friend as they watched the big screen TV. They could see Judd being carried from the wreckage of the UFO, the metal rod sticking out of his ass like a sundial. The spaceship had crashed into the Atlantic Ocean and, after submerging for about an hour, floated to the top. Government officials had soon swarmed the ship.