by Meier, Susan
Why would a guy keep everything a cheating wife had given him?
Shaking his head, he told himself to stop. He lived in a new world now. A world where he didn’t analyze anything. A world where he didn’t take things seriously. A world where he just lived in the moment. Had fun. And it was working out very well, thank you very much. Especially with Ellie.
The landline rang, almost causing him to jump out of his skin. With his hand on his chest to slow his thumping heart, he let four rings echo into the silent apartment. The answering machine picked up.
“McDermott’s Funeral Home. We’re sorry no one is available to take your call right now, but leave your name and number and someone will get back to you.”
“Ellie! Pick up! It’s Ashley.”
Again, he nearly lifted the receiver and took the call. He liked Ashley. She was a good friend to Ellie. But that was the point. If he picked up that phone, talked to Ashley, he would be inserting himself into Ellie’s life.
That was not what they were doing. They were two people having fun.
Period.
“Look, I have no idea why you’re not answering your cell except that you’re in the shower or something. So I’m just going to lay it out here. Finn doesn’t love you.”
He stopped, pivoted to face the wall phone.
“Yes, you’re having fun, and, yes, he is a great guy, but you have a deal. You’re not doing anything serious. You might have fallen in love, but Finn hasn’t, because he doesn’t want to. That wasn’t part of your deal. So get that notion out of your head. And if you can’t, then you have to stop seeing him.”
She sighed heavily. “Call me.”
The answering machine went through various rotations, made clicking sounds, and then went dead. Finn stood in the archway between her dining room and kitchen, staring at it.
She’d fallen in love?
He squeezed his eyes shut.
The ten minutes it took her to come out of the bedroom were an agony of decision for him. But he knew they had to talk about this. When she finally bounced up the hall, in a pair of dark shorts and a pink shirt that made her skin look healthy and brought out the best in her red-brown hair, he almost changed his mind.
Hopping into a flip-flop, she said, “Ready?”
He rubbed his hand across his mouth. “Ellie?”
She smiled. “Yeah?”
Though the answer was in her smile, in her bright brown eyes, he asked the question anyway. “Are you in love with me?”
“In love with you?” she scoffed, skipping away to hop into her second flip-flop. “Geez, you’re vain.”
“Ashley called.”
“Oh, yeah? She must have tried my cell and then called here when I didn’t answer—”
He saw the very second the truth dawned on her. She glanced at the old-fashioned answering machine. There was no blinking light, but the machine was so old the message light had probably quit functioning.
She caught his gaze. “Did you pick up the call?”
The hope in her voice almost killed him. He wished he could say, Yes. We had a nice chat. She wants you to call her back. But he couldn’t lie. Ashley’s message was on the phone.
“She left a message.”
“Oh.”
He hesitated. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt her. But if she loved him, they couldn’t go out anymore. It wasn’t their deal. They were competitors. One was going to beat the other. One was going to lose. They could not fall in love.
“This thing between us was supposed to be about fun.”
She straightened. Right before his eyes she discarded her fearful reaction to Ashley’s call and reverted to I’m-just-in-this-to-have-fun mode. “And it is.”
“Not if you love me.”
She said nothing, but her big brown eyes filled with shiny tears. It tore him up to see her so sad. Worse, it gutted him to know he was the reason. He’d never felt so strongly about anything or anybody—
Oh God. He didn’t love her. Did he?
Fear snaked through Finn. Not fear that he had hurt her, but the real fear that even thoughts of love, commitment, connection inspired. His dad was supposed to have loved his mom, and loving him had made her a prisoner. Ellie’s parents had loved each other too. Abundantly, if Mark’s saving every keepsake was any indicator. Yet that love had died too. And ended in a true disaster. A disaster that rippled through the town and made Ellie’s school years miserable.
“We both know love only hurts people.”
“I think love makes people happy.”
“Happy? Geez, Ellie! How can you of all people say that? Your mom was leaving your dad when she was killed. Your dad was a private man in a public profession who lost his wife two ways. Do you think your mom stopped to think about how embarrassing her leaving would be? Do you think she stopped to think about how painful her leaving would be? And what about my parents? My dad beat my mom and out of some misplaced sense of loyalty she stayed with him. That’s the love we know.”
“I agree we haven’t seen the best examples of love, but I don’t think our experience is the norm.”
“What? You think it’s a coincidence that the two people in Harmony Hills with crappy families gravitated together?”
“I think we gravitated together out of need. We couldn’t talk to anyone else. We always had to pretend, until my dad got sick, I came home, and we really started talking. Shared trouble is part of how we fell in love.”
“That’s convenient.”
“That’s the truth. Finn, do you honestly believe every family in this town is secretly unhappy?”
“I think people compromise and live lives of quiet desperation. I never want to do that.”
“And you think staying single is the answer?”
“I think living the life I want on my terms is my answer.”
“And to hell with anyone who gets hurt.”
He looked at the ceiling. “I told you I only wanted to have fun. I never made promises.”
She smiled sadly. “No. You didn’t. No one ever does.” Her voice wobbled on the last words, and she turned away from him. “You know the way out.”
She walked back down the hall.
Her bedroom door closed.
For thirty seconds, he stood there. The knowledge that she was in her room crying roared through him, demanding that he comfort her. The struggle not to follow that instinct left him breathless and furious, but also up against a very important truth. If he comforted her, it would be an admission of how much he felt for her. She’d cling to that, and him, and he could never leave. He would be trapped.
And so would she. Right now she might love him, but what about next year or the year after? Or five years from now? Or when, like her mom, she met a man who swept her off her feet, and made her forget her husband and children?
He scrubbed his hand across his mouth. The thought that she might leave him filled him with indescribable pain.
He would never, ever, ever put himself in a position where somebody could hurt him like that. And he’d never put Ellie in the position where she’d have to hurt him.
He turned and walked out of her apartment.
Chapter Fifteen
As Finn drove up his driveway, he saw his mother on the back deck standing by the grill.
“What are you doing home? I thought you were staying over somewhere.”
“I was.” He slammed the door of his range rover and walked into the house. Dropping his small duffel bag on the kitchen floor, he headed toward the French doors and the deck. His heart hurt and he was totally confused, but if he went to his room, his mother would ask what was wrong, and he just plain didn’t want to talk about it. “I was going to stay overnight at a cabin, but changed my mind.”
His mother frowned at him. “You have a fight with Ellie?”
Halfway to the swing, he stopped. “What?”
“Well, everybody knows the two of you have been seeing each other. Your car can’t be par
ked by her house without a hundred people noticing.” She paused, caught his gaze. “So what happened?”
He fell to the swing. Determined to keep his misery private, he said, “I don’t want anything permanent.”
“And she does?”
This is what a man got for living with his mother. The third degree. Especially when he least wanted to talk about something. Confident their father wouldn’t bother their mom anymore, his brothers had left, and now he and his mom were like roomies. Which made situations like this awful. If he didn’t talk, he’d hurt her. If he did, they’d get into a conversation he didn’t want. “She thinks she does.”
His mother kicked his boot. “Oh, and you’re such an expert on love and marriage.”
Words failed him. His mother had lived a nightmare with his dad. She should be griping with him, not suggesting he was wrong.
“I don’t need to be an expert to know marriage is an outdated idea.”
“Outdated?”
“It’s not like how it used to be, Mom. People don’t need to be married anymore.” He rose from the swing. “Smart people don’t commit to an institution that failed.”
“What about love?”
He laughed as he shook his head. “Love is some kind of hormonal imbalance.”
With that, he turned toward the door. “I think I’ll take my duffel bag to my room before we eat.” He casually left the deck, but walking up the stairs, the pain of losing Ellie rolled over him. Still, it was for the best. Ten years from now, when love died, the hurt would be ten times worse.
Best to end it now.
…
Ellie hadn’t heard the sound of the door closing when Finn left. She cried until her face felt swollen and her head ached. When she went to the kitchen for a glass of water, a quick knock sounded on her door, then Ashley stepped inside.
“Hey.”
Ellie turned her red, swollen face away. “You don’t have to worry that I’m going to do something stupid. He’s gone.”
“Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.”
Her chest rumbled with the desire to cry again, but she stopped it. She wanted to throw herself into Ashley’s arms and get comfort, but grown-ups didn’t cry for days. They didn’t burden their friends with troubles and sadness. They dealt with things themselves. They sucked it up. If she hadn’t let Finn go with her to see her dad, she might have kept their relationship in perspective. Instead, she’d let a few kindnesses give her the stupid notion he loved her.
What an idiot she was.
“If my eyes weren’t so red, I’d suggest we go for some ice cream.”
“To show the whole town you’re okay?”
She winced. “Oh, God. Does everybody know?”
Ashley ambled over. “Well, his car was here a lot. And everybody saw you together at the wedding.”
“So I’ll be bombarded with questions?”
Ashley shrugged. “Maybe. Or maybe everybody will remember you and Finn are in the same business. Maybe they’ll think you were collaborating.”
“Oh, crud. If they believe we were collaborating, they might turn to Finn, thinking they’re supporting both of us.” She pulled in a long breath. “Now that the Tidy Whitiez commercials are a go, I’ve got to step up my efforts to sell funeral packages and make sure people know we’re not a team.”
“That’s a good idea.”
But that night when she walked into the kitchen for a snack, she thought of Finn. Making her food. Making her laugh.
Forcing her mind off that, she pulled bologna and bread from the refrigerator, and started making a sandwich, but she could see into the dining room, with all the keepsakes, and she thought of her mom.
Loving Finn the way she did, she was beginning to understand why her mom had left her dad for the man she’d fallen in love with. Love was a deep, penetrating feeling that made you do crazy, stupid things.
Or maybe it was going after love that got a person into trouble? After all, Finn hadn’t hurt her until she tried to get him to admit he loved her. And if her mom hadn’t left to be with the man she loved, she never would have been in that wreck.
She closed her eyes. Her dad had been ten years older than her mom. If the gossip was correct, her mom had married her dad out of desperation. She was thirty, thinking no man wanted her. So when Mark McDermott had, she’d married him, had his child, and settled into small-town life as the wife of the town mortician.
Maybe when she’d met Bill Jenkins she’d felt what Ellie felt for Finn? Maybe like Ellie, she hadn’t been able to resist that pull. The spark. The wonderful connection. Maybe she and her mom had both wanted something they weren’t supposed to have.
Ellie blew her breath out on a stuttering sigh.
Maybe Finn was right. Maybe love only hurt people?
Because she sure as hell hurt now.
…
The next morning, she ambled down the stairs in sweatpants and an ugly shirt to find B.B. in the office. She jumped out of the big black chair behind the desk.
“Oh, sweetie, you are a mess. For fifty cents, I’d walk to Donovan’s and beat Finn’s ass for you.”
Ellie laughed. Though she should have been offended, or at the very least annoyed with herself for not thinking to tell Finn to hide his car when he came over, in her wretched clothes with no makeup, she supposed she’d asked for Barbara Beth’s comment.
Barbara Beth guided her back to her dad’s chair. “What do you want? Coffee? Tea? Hot cocoa?”
“It’s got to be close to ninety degrees out there and it’s not even ten o’clock yet. I can’t drink hot cocoa.”
Barbara Beth winced. “It’s noon.”
Ellie’s face fell. “Noon?”
“Yeah, you’re a sleepyhead today.” Barbara Beth brightened. “But I have some good news.” She flashed a handful of checks at Ellie. “While you were busy with those commercials last week, I took your PowerPoint thing out to some houses and today the results are pouring in.”
Ellie rose. “There must be ten checks there.”
“Down payments,” Barbara Beth confirmed. “I might not be able to physically beat Finn’s ass, but this might be better.”
She gaped at the checks. “So we’re winning?”
“Yes.” Barbara Beth laughed. “This is just the tip of the iceberg. I expect another ten checks tomorrow. And I have ten appointments lined up for this week.” She grinned. “With your presentation and my personality, we’re a winning combination.”
Ellie blinked rapidly, then impulsively hugged Barbara Beth. “Thank you.”
Barbara Beth smiled. “You’re welcome. We’re a team, you know.”
Ellie smiled. “I know.”
With that, Barbara Beth grabbed her purse. “I’m taking these to the bank.”
Ellie nodded, but as the door closed behind Barbara Beth, she thought of Finn. If Barbara Beth managed to sell ten prepaid packages in one week, imagine what she could do once word got out.
B.B. was right. They were going to whip Finn’s behind. He was going to lose the business he’d sunk all his money into. His mom would be jobless. He’d leave town.
She fell to her chair. She’d ruined him.
Sad for Finn, even though she knew she shouldn’t be, Ellie drove to Harmony Hills Hideaway. Agnes took one look at her sweatpants and frowned. Without a word, she wheeled herself back into her room.
Ellie found her dad sleeping, his mouth open. She walked over to the bed and sat. “I need to talk, Dad.”
His eyelids didn’t even twitch.
She swallowed hard. “Barbara Beth took my PowerPoint presentation and started selling prepaid funeral packages.”
She tucked the covers around him more securely. “With my brains and her personality, we seem to make quite a team, because she sold ten packages last week.” She sucked in a breath. “Ten. She thinks she’ll get checks for ten more tomorrow and she’s got even more appointments lined up for this week.
“That seems good. Actually, it i
s good. But—” She paused. “I think we’re ruining Finn.”
She sighed and rose to pace. “I know, I know. I shouldn’t care. Business and all that. But…my God, Dad. His father beat him. He’s here to rescue his mom. And he did. But now he’s going to lose everything. He’s going to have to leave.” Her throat closed as an unexpected truth hit her. Something even worse than losing all his money. “He’s going to fail in front of his dad.”
Her chest tightened and she stopped pacing. Why was this tearing her up? They’d known all along it would come to this.
But, suddenly, suddenly, it felt so wrong. Finn’s dad would rub his face in his failure, embarrass him, try to entice his mom back.
She wished with every fiber of her being that she could take his offer to buy McDermott’s, to save him, to save the guy who didn’t want her—
Because whether he loved her or not, she loved him. She would do anything to save him from the misery that would follow his failure.
But she had a father who needed care. A dad who had loved her through his own loss, through gossip, through her leaving town to make her own life. A dad who hadn’t asked questions, who’d simply loved her.
She looked down at him. Her eyes filled with tears.
Why were there never any easy answers?
“I wish you could tell me what to do, Dad.”
But of course, he couldn’t. He didn’t wake up. But even if he did, there was no guarantee he’d recognize her. Truth was, there was more chance he wouldn’t recognize her.
She walked out of Harmony Hills Hideaway feeling worse than when she’d gone in. Sad to the marrow of her bones for her dad, for herself, for Finn, she finished the day’s work, ate a lonely supper, then showered and got ready for bed.
When her phone rang, she almost didn’t answer it. But knowing it could be a customer, she sat, picked up the phone, and said, “This is Ellie McDermott.”
“Ellie, sweetie, this is Regina from Harmony Hills. Your dad’s not well. We’d like you to come down.”