by Susan Lewis
She was on the point of going inside for her purse when Zav suddenly shouted, ‘Dad!’ and as he took off across the lawn Lainey watched in a daze as Tom opened his arms to catch him.
Was he really here? Please don’t let this be a dream.
His eyes came to hers, and she felt herself starting to sway.
Why had he come? What was this about?
She had no idea, nor any breath to ask. She could only watch as he came towards her, his eyes never leaving hers, until finally he was taking her hand and pulling her into his arms.
Chapter Twenty
‘ARE YOU OK now?’ Tom asked gently.
Lainey tried to nod, but though the tears had finally stopped, she still seemed to be sobbing.
‘Here you are, Mum,’ Tierney said, bringing her a glass of wine. ‘Would you like one, Dad?’
‘Thank you,’ he replied. His arm was still round Lainey, but as she lifted her head from his shoulder he let her go.
She wished he wouldn’t, she wanted to go on standing with him for ever, but she still had no idea why he’d come, and now she was past the first throes of shock she was starting to realise that his kindness was very probably an attempt to soften the blows to come. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, drying her eyes, ‘I don’t know what came over me. I just . . . I’m fine now . . .’
‘No you’re not,’ Tierney cut in.
Lainey blinked in surprise.
‘Where’s Max?’ Zav asked, bringing out the plate of cold meats Lainey had prepared before going to pieces.
‘Put it there,’ Tierney instructed, pointing to the bowl of tomatoes she’d brought out herself. ‘Max isn’t coming back till tomorrow, which reminds me, where’s Skye?’
Lainey shook her head. ‘I haven’t seen her today, but I imagine she’s down at the other villa.’
‘Which other villa?’
‘Zav will tell you,’ Lainey replied, anxiously watching Tom as he walked to the edge of the terrace to take in the view. She didn’t know what to say to him, still couldn’t quite believe he was here. It felt so right, and yet so horribly unnerving.
Turning around, he looked at her, and as their eyes held it was as though the children, the villa, the lake, were fading away. It was just the two of them, their history, and the love she felt tangled in the pain of losing him.
‘Don’t cry again, Mum,’ Zav pleaded, as a latent sob escaped her.
‘I’m not,’ she promised, though she was very close. Her eyes were still on Tom’s; it was as though his intensity, his strength were physical forces holding her up. What was he thinking? Why didn’t he say something?
‘OK, that’s lunch for you two,’ Tierney announced, setting a salty focaccia on the table, along with the opened bottle of white wine in a frozen sleeve. ‘We’re having ours down by the pool.’
Tearing her eyes from Tom’s, Lainey watched Tierney loading Zav with a picnic basket before picking up a bottle of Coke and three plastic glasses. She was being so efficient, so forthright, that Lainey realised she must have planned all this before getting here.
‘We’re going to leave you to talk now,’ Tierney informed them as she ushered Zav towards the lawn, ‘and Dad?’
Tom’s eyebrows rose.
‘Tell her everything, OK? And when I say everything, I mean everything. Now come on, Zav, I know you’re starving.’
‘How do you know?’
‘When are you ever not?’
As they traipsed across the grass Lainey felt herself being submerged by so much feeling that she wanted desperately to hug them. They were hers and Tom’s, and if Tom wasn’t equally overwhelmed right now, then he was no longer the man she’d married.
Seeing that he did indeed look moved, she smiled shakily and glanced at the table where their impromptu lunch was waiting. She had no appetite, but if he’d taken the early morning flight he would surely be hungry.
‘I came, because . . . well, because we can’t go on like this,’ he told her, in a tone that was both wearied and sad.
Her eyes closed as all the hopes she hadn’t dared to formulate began to fade. ‘No, we can’t,’ she agreed, ‘but I don’t want to meet her. I can’t get involved in what’s happening to her when I feel the way I do about you. I’m sorry, I just can’t.’ There was no anger or bitterness in her voice, only resolve.
Coming to her, he tilted her face up and gazed searchingly into her eyes. ‘There’s a lot to explain,’ he said, ‘because the way you’re understanding things isn’t real.’
Her eyes came challengingly to his. ‘So are you saying you don’t have a sixteen-year-old daughter with a woman . . .’
‘No, I’m not saying that, because Julia does exist, but what you need to know, and what I should have made much clearer when I first told you, is that I was completely unaware of the fact that Kirsten and I had a daughter together until Kirsten got in touch, two months ago, to tell me.’
Lainey felt suddenly light-headed. Two months ago? He hadn’t known until then that he was the father the press had longed to identify?
‘Stop doubting me,’ he growled, as though reading her mind. ‘For once in your life try to accept what I’m telling you . . .’
‘But you had to have known,’ she protested. ‘The whole world knew Kirsten Bonner was pregnant, and if you’d been sleeping with her . . .’
‘I wasn’t the only one.’ Tom sighed. ‘You surely remember how rife the speculation was? I don’t want to speak ill of her in that way, but she had a lot of admirers, for want of another word, and yes, I was one of them. In fact, we were pretty close, at least I thought we were, but then I met you . . .’
‘Didn’t you at least try to find out if you were the father?’ Lainey broke in.
‘As a matter of fact, I did, and she said I wasn’t . . .’
‘And then you never saw her again?’
‘Until two months ago, when she got in touch to ask for my help.’
She looked at him steadily. She wanted to believe that, she really did, but it was hard. ‘So why are you only telling me this now?’ she challenged. ‘Why have you allowed me to think that you’ve been having an affair all our married life if it isn’t true?’
He regarded her helplessly. ‘To be honest, I didn’t realise at first that you were thinking that way. I thought I’d told you that I’d only just found out myself, and that you were just refusing to believe me.’
‘You didn’t tell me.’
‘I realise that now, and I’m sorry. More sorry than I can ever say. My only excuse is that I was so thrown by it all, so mixed up about what I should do, how to be a father to a child I didn’t even know at such a difficult time in her life . . .’ He sighed heavily. ‘I accept I’ve handled everything badly. Worse than that, I’ve hurt you in ways I’ll probably never forgive myself for.’
Not quite sure what she wanted to say to that, she picked up her glass and took a sip of wine. If he was being truthful, and God knew she wanted to believe him, then there had been no affair, and if there had been no affair . . .
‘If Kirsten was sleeping around back then,’ she said, ‘and even told you you weren’t the father, then why would you believe her now?’
‘Because I insisted on having tests, which take a while, and when the results came back . . . Well, they proved that Julia is mine.’
Lainey was regarding him incredulously. ‘So you were going through all that without me even knowing,’ she accused. ‘I’m your wife, you should have told me . . .’
‘God knows I wanted to, but if Julia hadn’t turned out to be mine . . .’ The fight suddenly went out of him. ‘I guess I still couldn’t have turned my back on Kirsten,’ he admitted, ‘not when the only family she has is a sister in Scotland who has three children of her own, and a distant cousin somewhere who she’s never in touch with. But if Julia hadn’t been mine it would have cast a different light on things. We, you and I, could have helped them together. Or that’s what I told myself. As it was, she did turn out to be m
ine, and once I was convinced of that, Kirsten made me promise to be there for Julia while she went through the chemo. Of course I agreed, how could I not, but though I tried I could never seem to find the right time to tell you. I know how cowardly that must sound, and I admit it was, but I hardly knew where my head was during that time. I was still trying to get over the shock of it all, and at the same time I was having a nightmare with the latest script . . . Anyway, in the end Kirsten sent you a text . . .’ He pressed his fingers to his eyes, showing how tired he was. ‘She’d got tired of waiting, so she wanted to push me into action.’ He took a breath. ‘I don’t know if it’s the drugs she’s on,’ he continued, ‘or if she really has changed from the woman I used to know, but the anger in her, or that was in her before the treatment started . . . This is her second time round with cancer, and she’s terrified she isn’t going to make it. I guess it’s fear that’s making her so hard to reason with, and say or do things that don’t make much sense. It’s not quite so bad now, but after she’d sent the text she made me swear I wouldn’t tell you she had cancer. I tried to make her understand that I couldn’t possibly hide it from you, but she said if I didn’t she’d tell you I’d known all along about Julia, and that I’d been cheating on you for years.’ There was a sad irony in his eyes as he said, ‘It seems you didn’t need any help with believing that . . .’
Lainey swallowed dryly as guilt surfaced in her heart. ‘Why didn’t she want me to know she has cancer?’ she asked.
‘Because she doesn’t want anyone to know. She has it fixed in her head that the press will descend on her and start trying to find out again who Julia’s father is, and I guess she’s not wrong about that, because they probably would. It wouldn’t be a good time for it all to start coming out now.’
‘But she surely doesn’t think I’d tip them off?’
He shook his head. ‘Frankly, I don’t know what she tells herself from one minute to the next, I only know that I couldn’t hold it back from you, so I told you and . . . Well, we know how it went, but I blame myself entirely for not handling things better.’
Though he certainly could have done so, Lainey was feeling more for the turmoil he’d been struggling with alone than for the mistakes he’d made. ‘If her cancer is a secondary,’ she said, ‘why didn’t she contact you the first time around?’
‘I don’t know, she just didn’t, but frankly, right now, today, she isn’t really the issue, is she? We have to think about us, and the way we’ve started to come undone over this when I think, I hope, it’s the last thing either of us wants.’
Loving the sound of those words, she whispered, ‘Of course it is.’
‘What’s hard for me,’ he told her, ‘is how ready you were to believe that I’d cheated on you. As far as I’m aware I’ve never done anything to make you doubt me, and yet as soon as this happened . . . OK, I should have been clearer about it, but your lack of trust, your readiness to believe the worst of me . . .’
‘I’m sorry,’ she broke in. ‘I realise now how awful that must have been for you, and that I was only thinking about myself. I should have listened . . .’
‘I’m not trying to make you blame yourself. I’m just trying to find a way for us to deal with this.’
Wretchedness showed in her eyes as she tried to think of the right thing to say – or a way to undo how suspicious and paranoid she’d been.
‘I know you’ve always believed,’ he continued, ‘that I left Emma and Max because of who your father was, rather than because of how I felt about you, but the reason I left, Lainey, was to be with you. I’ve told you that so many times over the years, but you never seem to hear it. It’s like you don’t want to hear it, or you can’t accept that anyone actually cares for you, when you’re at the very centre of our world. We’d none of us – me, the children, your father, Max, even Stacy – be who we are without you. You’re the most vital part of our lives, you give us so much, so generously and supportively. I only wish you’d do the same for yourself.’
Her eyes moved away as she tried to absorb his words. It wasn’t that she hadn’t heard them before, God knew he’d tried many times to tackle her lack of self-worth, but this time she was hearing it, and the reality of how much damage she’d done to herself, and to him, was finally starting to hit home.
‘Obviously, I know your problems stem from your relationship with your mother,’ he went on. ‘The way she was with you at times was enough to make God Himself feel insecure, but I had no idea it had driven you to a point where you could believe me capable of deceiving you on such an epic scale.’
Lainey tried to marshal her thoughts into some form of defence, but failed.
‘I have no secrets,’ Tom emphasised. ‘I’ve never kept anything from you, until now, and believe me, I don’t intend making the same mistake again.’
Tears shone in her eyes as she looked at him.
‘These past weeks have been hell,’ he told her. ‘I’ve missed you and needed you so much . . .’
‘I’m here now,’ she whispered. ‘And if Kirsten’s ready to meet me . . .’
Putting a hand to her face, he said, ‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course. She needs us. Are you the only one caring for her? Didn’t you just say she has a sister?’
‘She has a nurse living at the house, and Rosa, her sister, comes as often as she can. Mostly though, Rosa has Julia to stay with her.’
Feeling deeply for the child, Lainey asked, ‘How is Julia coping?’
He turned his head to one side, as he said, ‘That’s probably the hardest part of it all . . . She isn’t . . . Well, she isn’t like other girls her age.’
‘In what way?’
‘You’ll see when you meet her.’
‘I guess what’s important is how she’s responding to you.’
He almost smiled, as he continued to gaze into the distance. ‘Yes, well,’ he replied, seeming slightly disconnected from his words. ‘She’s a sweet girl . . .’
‘Oh Tom,’ she murmured, putting her arms around him. ‘I’ve been such an idiot.’
‘No, I have,’ he insisted, wrapping her tightly to him. ‘What I’ve put us through . . . I haven’t even been here for you while you’ve tried to find out about your family. I know how much it means to you . . .’
‘Actually, less now than I expected,’ she came in gently, ‘and whichever way we look at it, Kirsten’s and Julia’s need was always greater.’
Cupping her face between his hands, he gazed so lovingly into her eyes that she could only wonder how she’d ever allowed herself to doubt him. Not that she imagined her insecurities were at an end, but in that moment there was simply no room for them.
It was a long time before he released her from his kiss, and when he did it was only to look into her eyes again.
‘Go on, say it,’ she whispered.
He smiled, but as he started to speak they heard a scuffle nearby and looked round to find Tierney doing an about turn. ‘Don’t mind me,’ she called out. ‘I’m not here.’
With no small irony, Tom said, ‘Well, at least she didn’t say gross.’
‘Doesn’t mean she didn’t think it.’
‘She definitely will if we disappear for a while.’
‘Do we care?’
‘Not really.’
Laughing, Lainey leaned against him as they started inside. ‘Can I take it you’ve already put her straight about Kirsten and Julia?’ she asked.
‘You can.’
‘Which is why she told you to tell me everything. I assume you did.’
‘I did.’
‘So what exactly did she think you’d miss out?’
‘Actually, it was the bit I was about to say when she put in an appearance.’
Lainey’s eyebrows rose questioningly.
‘That I love you,’ he murmured.
Feeling the words coasting magically through her, she said, ‘So you admitted to her that you have trouble saying it?’
‘
I’m afraid so, and I’ve regretted it ever since, because I’ve been having lessons all the way here.’
Laughing at the thought of it, Lainey went to take another bottle of wine from the fridge before leading him on through to the bedroom. Of course, there was much more talking to be done, but for now this was far more important.
Though they emerged from the bedroom to take the children to the village for dinner later, and again for breakfast the following morning, they spent the best part of the next twenty-four hours behind closed doors, enjoying their reunion. Apart from treating the time like a second honeymoon, they talked a lot too, and ended up deciding that for Julia’s sake, they should return to England sooner rather than later.
‘What, you mean like tomorrow?’ Tierney asked, when they told her.
‘No, at the weekend, if we can get flights,’ Tom answered, reaching for his coffee. ‘Are you OK with that?’
Tierney shrugged. ‘I guess so. I mean, I don’t suppose you’d let me stay here without you. Although Max is on his way back . . .’
‘Don’t even think it,’ Lainey interrupted. ‘Anyway, I’m getting the impression things aren’t great with you and Skye, so this might be a good way out. Where is she, by the way? Did she come back last night?’
Looking distinctly sniffy, Tierney said, ‘She texted to say she was staying with Zoe, her new best friend, and frankly I hope she stays there, especially if Max is bringing Christie with him.’
Tom’s eyebrows rose as he and Lainey exchanged glances.
Realising her mistake, Tierney jumped in quickly. ‘Forget I said that. It just came out the wrong way.’
‘Is there something going on between Max and Skye?’ Lainey asked bluntly.
‘No, not really,’ Tierney replied, beginning to clear the table. ‘I mean, she’s got a sort of thing about him, but I expect she’s found someone else by now.’
Lainey was still frowning.
‘I hope Max hasn’t been leading her on,’ Tom ventured. ‘He can be a bit full of himself . . .’