He nodded and turned off his computer. “I have things to say to you, too, but go ahead.”
“Who was Amelia?”
His eyes registered shock, then suspicion. “How do you know about Amelia?”
“Ladonna mentioned her name. Oh, don’t worry,” she said; noting the quick flash of anger in his eyes. “She didn’t tell me anything, just said I should ask.”
“Amelia way...a girl I knew in college,” Kirk said.
“Were you in love with her?”
He was silent for so long that Tonya almost decided he wasn’t going to answer, but he finally said, “Yes.”
“And?” she prompted.
“And it didn’t work out.”
“The end? That’s all?” Impatiently, Tonya drummed her fingers on the edge of her chair. “Why don’t you tell me the whole story?”
He let out a ragged sigh. “All right, but I don’t see what it has to do with anything.”
“Neither do I...yet. But go ahead.”
“I told you part of it—that I got a football scholarship to the University of Texas. I was good. By my sophomore year I was a starter. By my junior year there was talk of a Heisman.” He stared at the wall, gazing backward into the past “You can’t grow up in Texas without knowing how important football is at UT. My background didn’t matter. Being a football player canceled that out and gave me an entry into the campus social whirl. I was a running back. On Saturdays I ran with the ball. The rest of the week girls ran after me. Who said, Tower is a great aphrodisiac’? Well, so’s football.” He laughed suddenly. “It was great.”
“I bet,” Tonya said.
“I met Amelia in English class, spring semester of my junior year,” he continued. “She was this dainty little blonde who belonged to the top sorority on campus. Her father ran an oil company out in Odessa. And here I was, a kid from the inner city with no fraternity pin, but she latched on to me.”
Why not? Tonya thought. Any girl with eyes would pick Kirk out of a crowd.
“I never looked at another girl after that,” he said. “Amelia and I dated all of our senior year. In April, just after I signed with the Eagles, we got engaged. We planned to get married after football season.”
“What happened?”
“My injury happened,” he said, as if that were self-explanatory.
“And?”
“And when she realized that my pro career was over, Amelia returned my ring. Since I didn’t come from a rich family, she’d at least counted on the money that came from my football contract. And the celebrity that went with it. Very politely, she told me she wasn’t interested in a hasbeen football player—she wanted the real thing.” He let out a breath. “She started dating one of my teammates.”
“What a bitch,” Tonya said.
“Yeah, well...”
They sat silently for a few minutes. Tonya pondered what he had told her. Yes, he’d had an unhappy love affair, but what did that have to do with her and with her position at the OK Center?
The light dawned.
“You think because my family has money that I’m like Amelia, don’t you? Don’t you?” she insisted when he didn’t answer. “It’s all clear to me now,” she said, swallowing angry tears. “You gave me all those little hints, but I missed them before. Your question about whether I was slumming the first time I came to your apartment. Your comments about Max, about my family. You think I’m an Amelia clone.”
She jumped up from her chair and leaned over the desk, slapping her hands on it. “Well, I’m not. I never could be. I would never walk out on the man I loved because of an injury or any other kind of setback. If that’s your picture of me, you don’t know me at all.”
Kirk looked miserable. “Tonya, I—”
She didn’t bother letting him finish. She was revved up now. “And what about all those remarks about my not fitting in here? Was that about Amelia, too?”
“No, maybe the other was, but that part about not fitting in here was something else. You came here straight out of another world. You have no background in working with inner-city children.”
“You’re right,” she said, “and I admit I’ve made mistakes. But I’ve learned, and I’ve accomplished something for the center. Know what happened this afternoon at Germain’s school? No, of course you don’t. You didn’t give me a chance to tell you before. Well, I’ll tell you now.”
Because her emotional state threatened to make her legs give out, she sat down again and took a breath. Outside the door she could hear feet shuffling in the halls, muffled conversations. The after-school influx of kids had begun. She lowered her voice.
“Germain has an attention deficit disorder. They’re going to work with him, help him. Maybe he’ll be a success story instead of a kid with an attitude. I got that going. Me. All you saw was that I overstepped my authority when I offered to let him work around here. All you see is my mistakes.” She took a breath and went on. “All you do is berate me. Just because I went out this afternoon—”
“I apologize for that,” he said. “I wasn’t angry.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“Damn it, Tonya, I was scared out of my mind that something had happened to you.”
“You saw that nothing did.”
“And I still yelled,” he admitted. “I’m sorry. And you know, you’re wrong that I just see your mistakes,” he said wearily. “I told your grandfather how much you’ve contributed here.”
“But did you mean it?”
“Of course,” he said.
Tonya sighed. “I hear a ‘but’ coming.”
Kirk spread his hands. “Tonya, for me, this is my life’s work. For you, it’s a short-term diversion.”
Fury leapt up and almost clogged her throat. “You don’t know that.”
“Didn’t you tell me you have a short attention span?”
“Yes, I did. I realized today I have an attention deficit like Germain. But what I’ve done at the center, what I’ve found here.... I don’t know. It’s different.” She tried to find the words she needed to explain her feelings, but they eluded her. “Oh, what’s the use?” she said, rising. “No matter what I say, you won’t believe me. You won’t trust me. You may not believe I’m Amelia, but you’ll always see me as a misfit here. I wasn’t born in the right neighborhood. Well, I can’t change that” She glanced at her watch. “It’s getting late. I’m going home.” At the door she hesitated with her hand on the knob for a moment When he said nothing, she pulled the door open. “Goodbye, Kirk.”
Slowly, she trudged down the hall. What hurt most was that he didn’t come after her.
ON MONDAY TONYA SAT in Dr. Goldsmith’s office. She wasn’t in the best of spirits. The weekend had crawled by with no word from Kirk. Fine, she’d decided. If that was the way he wanted it, that’s what he’d get.
This morning she’d called Ramon to tell him she had a doctor’s appointment and wouldn’t be in today. She wasn’t sure she’d be in tomorrow, either. She wasn’t sure she’d be in ever.
Now, as she awaited the doctor’s diagnosis, she felt strangely numb. Kirk’s distrust had hurt her badly. She wondered if severe pain dulled your nerve endings.
Or perhaps she was overstressed. She’d worried all weekend about the bomb threat, fearing the Sabers would break in while the building was vacant Again, nothing had happened. Maybe they were just trying to scare everyone to death.
“Ms. Brewster.” Dr. Goldsmith came in and sat behind his desk. “I’ve looked at your test results and at the questionnaire you filled out My preliminary diagnosis is ADD. As you know, that stands for attention deficit disorder. We’ll want to do some further testing to confirm the diagnosis, but I’m reasonably sure we will.” He looked at her intently. “How does that make you feel?”
She considered, then gave him a wry smile. “I guess like I’ve had good news and bad news. The good news is there’s a name for what’s been bugging me all my life. The bad news is it won’t go away.�
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“Succinctly put,” the doctor said. “But we can temper the bad news. As I mentioned during Germain’s conference, we can minimize the effects of ADD.”
“How?”
“Well, from what you told me, you’re already doing a pretty good job yourself. You keep a calendar, write things down. We can help you even more with self-management skills.”
“Like you’re going to do with Germain.”
He nodded. “That’s a big part of ADD treatment Another is finding the right niche. A job where the ADD adult can make use of her strengths and talents. And just as important, a job that doesn’t tap into your weaknesses. From what you’ve told me about your present position, you’ve found that niche.”
Tonya thought of Kirk. Could she go back and face him every day? Work in the same building? Passing him in the hall would have her reeling with pain. Besides.... “I...I don’t know,” she said. “My grandfather sent me there as a representative of the family foundation on a short-term basis.”
“You may want to rethink that, find a way to make the position permanent.”
Sadly, she shook her head. “I may not be able to...for personal reasons.”
“I see.”
He didn’t probe and Tonya didn’t volunteer anything further. The pain was too new, too sharp to deal with, even in a psychiatrist’s office.
“We have a support group for adults with attention deficit You may find that helpful. And I’m also going to give you the names of some books on adult ADD.” He wrote some information down on a prescription pad.
“Will I need to take medication, like Germain?”
“You may, but we’ll decide that later. Any other questions?”
“Not now. I’m sure I’ll think of dozens.”
“If you do, call. On your way out, talk to Eleanor about scheduling the rest of those tests.” He rose, they shook hands, and Tonya left his office.
So now she had a name for her skittishness and for the problems that had always plagued her. She was relieved. She should be relieved to have learned that she wasn’t the family black sheep because she was just a flake. She actually had a reason.
So why wasn’t she ecstatic?
That was easy to answer. And it had nothing to do with the diagnosis. It was because of Kirk Butler. He hadn’t cared enough to call to talk things over. And darned if she’d call him. No way would she go crawling back to him. She had her pride.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN she’s not here?” Kirk growled at Ladonna. “Where the hell is she?”
“I don’t know. All I heard is what Ramon said. She didn’t come in this morning.” She cocked her head. “You have anything to do with that?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he stalked out of her office and back to his own. Once there, he glared at the telephone. It stared mutely back at him, just as his home phone had all. weekend. Damn, he should have known better than to expect to hear from Tonya.
Okay, he hadn’t been totally fair with her. He’d equated her with Amelia, and maybe he was wrong. On the other hand, he’d trusted Amelia, too, and look where that had gotten him. On the third hand—
With a snarl of frustration, he went down the hall and pounded on Ramon’s door. Before Ramon could respond, Kirk shoved the door open and strode in.
“Get up on the wrong side of the bed, amigo?” Ramon asked mildly.
Kirk ignored the question. “Why didn’t Tonya come in this morning?”
“She said she had a doctor’s appointment.”
Kirk was alarmed now rather than angry. “Is she sick?”
“Didn’t say.”
Maybe he should call. Back in his office, he tried her apartment but got no answer. Not only that, but she’d turned off her answering machine. He continued calling for the rest of the morning and all afternoon without success. How long could a doctor’s appointment take? Was she in the hospital?
Knowing Tonya, she’d had a routine doctor’s appointment and gotten distracted on her way home, probably stopped off at a mall. Yes, he reassured himself, she was undoubtedly on a shopping spree.
Still, he drove by her apartment that evening. No one answered the door. He drove to the back and checked her garage. It was empty. He hung around for a while, but she didn’t show up. All right, he decided, he’d talk to her in the morning. He went home and spent a restless night.
The next day he arrived at the center early. Tonya didn’t come in.
“She called and said she would be out of town the next few days,” Ramon said in answer to Kirk’s question. “When she gets back, she’ll let us know her plans.”
“Her...plans? What the hell does that mean?”
Ramon shrugged. “Beats me. Maybe we already measured up to her grandfather’s criteria and the foundation will continue to fund us, so she won’t have to come back.”
Not come back? Kirk didn’t want to think of that. But then, why should she? He’d done everything in his power to drive her away. “Yeah, just like we predicted in the beginning,” he said in a feeble attempt to make light of the situation. “Back to the country club. She’s had enough.”
“I don’t know,” Ramon said, frowning. “I got the impression she liked it here.”
“Maybe not enough,” Kirk said.
Back in his office, he scowled at the wall. She’d done what he wanted, gotten out of his way. But couldn’t she at least have called and told him she wouldn’t be back?
She could bet her life he wouldn’t call her, he thought. No matter how much he missed her. After all, he had his pride.
15
“I’M SORRY, GRANDDAD. I’d rather not go back.” Clint had been out of town for a few days and this was her first chance to meet with him. Now, seated on the pale damask sofa in her grandparents’ living room, Tonya curled her feet under her and hugged a pillow.
“What’s this?” Clint Brewster’s heavy brows furrowed in disapproval. “Are you giving up on another job?”
“I’m not giving up,” Tonya protested. “The center is running fine. I wrote a report for the foundation. See?” She reached into the purse she’d dropped on the floor, dug out a set of papers and handed them to Clint.
He scanned the report, nodding, then looked up. “Looks good, but we stipulated six months’ trial. The six months is nowhere near over. You’d have to bring this before the foundation board, ask for a vote.”
“I know we need an emergency board meeting, but I have a reason. Lots of reasons.” She proceeded to enumerate them all. The staff didn’t want her there in the first place. She’d put her foot in her mouth on too many occasions. The place was dangerous. “We had a bomb threat the other day. Did you know that?”
Her grandfather shook his head, and she saw the flash of emotion in his eyes as he reached out to stroke her hair. “I don’t recall you worrying about the hazards of Third World countries during your travels.”
“No-o...”
“Well then.” He spoke as if everything were settled. He might fear the danger to her but he’d never settle for her running away.
She took a breath. “It’s not that I don’t like the work. I love it. I’ve finally found my niche.” She smiled as she realized she’d repeated Dr. Goldsmith’s term. “I may not go back to the OK Center, but lots of agencies do the same kind of work. I could find a job in one of those—a real job this time.”
Her grandfather frowned. “If you like it so much, why not stay where you are?”
“I have another reason. One of the directors, Kirk Butler—” Horrified that she’d blurted out his name, she pressed her lips together.
“That the fellow you brought to my birthday party?” She nodded, and her grandfather said, “Seemed like a nice young man to me. I thought you two looked like you were sort of sweet on each other.”
Tonya couldn’t help smiling at the old-fashioned term, but the smile didn’t last long. “I’m in love with him.” She felt the tears that had continually lodged just behind her eyes these past few days, and bl
inked to stop them.
“Now, why should that make you sad?”
“He thinks I’m a rich bitch like his old girlfriend.”
“Seems to me,” her grandfather said, “that would make you mad, not sad. Mad enough to show him what a Brewster’s made of. What you ’re made of.”
“What am I made of, Granddad?” she muttered. “I’ve never been like the rest of the family.”
He frowned again, this time looking puzzled. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’m the one who always tags along behind. The loser in a pack of winners.”
“Tonya Jane Brewster.” His voice was stern. “Who told you that?”
Tonya pulled a tissue from her purse and blew her nose. “Nobody had to spell it out for me. I just knew.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.” Disgust laced his voice. “I just read your report. The woman who talked these police officers into volunteering their time to work with inner-city kids, the woman who’s organizing a fund-raiser, the woman who got this youngster tested? Young lady, you’re a champion. You’re made of the same stuff as every other Brewster.”
Tonya stared at him in shock.
“Close your mouth, girl,” Clint instructed. “Look at what you’ve accomplished. Why, if you’d stick with one job for a change, there’s no telling how far you would go.”
“That’s just it, Granddad. I never stick with anything. I flit around from one thing to another. I...I just learned I have an attention deficit disorder.”
“And what the hell is that?” Clint blustered.
She explained what she’d learned at the doctor’s office yesterday.
Clint listened quietly, then asked, “You think now that you’ve found out about this, you’re going to be a different person?”
“Maybe a more organized person, but I’m afraid I won’t change the basic me.”
“That’s a relief,” Clint said, leaning back in his chair. “For a minute there, I was afraid you’d say you were going to turn as stuffy as your cousin Claudia.”
Tonya’s mouth fell open. “You think Claudia’s stuffy?”
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