by Jess Bowen
“It’s not a wise idea,” Lucy added.
“Are you trying to make us all overprotective freaks?” Cynthia said last.
“Overprotective freaks?” Phoebe asked as the corners of her lips twitched.
Cynthia nodded. “Can you imagine what going back to group training would mean? We would all be so busy making sure that the queen and her court don’t come near you that we wouldn’t have time to do anything else.”
Phoebe rolled her eyes. “You’re all being ridiculous. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
Ethan snorted. “Yeah, that’s obvious. First Kali melts half your skin off and then sends you into a blinding rage that we almost lost you to.”
Phoebe’s face fell, and she looked down at her hands. Dorian glared at Ethan and hugged her tightly.
Ethan, Lucy thought soothingly, Phoebe feels low enough. I don’t think bringing up her past failures against the girl she hates is going to make her any happier.
“I’m sorry, Phoebe. That’s not what I meant. We’re just worried about you, that’s all. You’ve been great; it just seems like something else keeps popping up to ruin everything. I didn’t mean Kali was better than you or anything. I just want you to be safe.”
“It’s okay,” she replied quietly.
Dorian kissed the top of her head before turning to the rest of them. “I think it’s time that Phoebe rested. You can come back after the festival.”
Cynthia and Lucy scooted up to hug Phoebe again, and Evan and Jared also gave her a hug before leaving. Dorian laid Phoebe back against the pillows and led them to the door to let them out.
Ethan turned to Dorian before leaving. “Please make sure she knows I didn’t mean it that way,” he pleaded.
Dorian nodded. “I think she knows that. She’s just feeling really powerless right now. She doesn’t like not feeling in control of what’s going on.”
Ethan nodded, and he and Lucy left the room. They headed down the stairs just a little behind everyone else. Lucy was still silent.
All right, I’ll give you a rematch, just try not to do anything that would make me hurt you, Ethan mentally sighed.
Lucy’s reply was slow. What are you talking about?
Aren’t you still upset about the match yesterday? Isn’t that why you haven’t been speaking to me? he asked.
Ethan could tell immediately that she had barely even thought about the match after it was over. No, I just had other things on my mind, she replied.
Now he was really curious. What have you been thinking about, then?
Lucy shifted uncomfortably in his arms. Nothing really, just about some things you’ve been thinking.
He was completely lost. Like?
Lucy shifted again.
Lucy?
All right, fine. I couldn’t keep this up forever anyway. It’s very exhausting trying to block you. I have no idea how Phoebe did it.
Well? Ethan asked when she didn’t go any further.
All right! she thought, exasperated. Yesterday you were just thinking about something that took me by surprise, that’s all. And you were thinking it again today.
This is like trying to get an answer out of Cassius. What is it?
Her control on her thoughts slipped, and Ethan saw her memories: his thought when he had called her “love,” his wanting to protect her and keep her safe, his thinking about how he loved her, all flashed through her head. They had reached the bottom of the stairs, and they stopped in the entrance hall before going outside. Her beautiful green eyes were guarded, like she was protecting herself from something.
“What is it? Is that wrong? Am I not supposed to feel that way?” They were alone, so Ethan switched their silent conversation out for an verbal one.
She thought for a moment before answering. “It’s not wrong, if you really do feel that way.”
Ethan finally understood why she had been holding her thoughts back. She was jubilant at the thought that he loved her, but she didn’t want to feel rejected or disappointed if he wasn’t sure.
“Are you sure?” she asked as she listened to his thoughts.
He could see she was hopeful; she wanted it to be true. He smiled and pulled her closer to his chest. The top of her head barely cleared his shoulder.
“Lucy, are you really so insecure? You see my thoughts, every one of them, and you don’t know that for sure?”
She blushed. “I just wasn’t sure if that was a random thought or how you really felt,” she answered sheepishly.
He coaxed her chin back up so she could look him in the eye. “Lucy Kendall, I do love you. I never would have imagined that would have caused you so much anxiety. Forgive me for not telling you sooner.”
Her answering thoughts and smile made his heart pound. She was truly happy that he was sincere. She reached up and stroked the side of his face. Her touch was so light it felt like feathers instead of her fingers. Ethan leaned down and brushed his lips on hers, and all thought was erased from both of their minds.
Her lips moved perfectly with his, like they were made specifically to match. For a brief second he almost laughed when he realized that was probably an accurate assumption to make. That thought passed quickly as Lucy’s hands locked around his neck, and she pulled herself closer. He hadn’t realized how much he loved her until that moment. He felt a breeze shift around them; her hair was caught in it as it swirled around. He was starting to get dizzy, and he couldn’t tell if he was breathing. His fingers tangled in her long, red hair, and all he heard was the sound of their hearts beating.
Lack of oxygen eventually won over, and they broke apart, breathing heavily. Lucy’s eyes were bright, and her face was flushed. She had never looked more beautiful. As the breeze around them calmed, Ethan saw beautiful flowers caught in the wind. He had kissed other girls, but never before had he felt that way. He had never so completely lost himself to someone else to the point that nothing else mattered. Right at that moment, absolutely nothing mattered but the green eyes staring back at him and the person they belonged to.
They had shared a connection—a connection based on admiration, need, companionship, and deep care and concern. Now they were bonded. Bonded so deeply that neither one of them could ever walk away from the other without it being too painful for words. An unbearable pain. A pain that he would never survive.
Just like the first time—when he had realized he was hers—he couldn’t explain how it had happened. But unlike last time, he didn’t care. Maybe he had never had a choice in any of this. Lucy had said he was always free to choose, but in a way, he had never needed that opportunity. From the moment that they met, nothing else mattered quite as much as she did.
His existence, no matter how shallow or pathetic it had ever been or might ever be, would no longer be possible without her. If her heart would ever stop beating, Ethan knew that in that same instant, his would too. Every beat of her heart matched every beat of his. Every breath of air that she inhaled was enough to fill both their lungs. They were no longer two separate moving, breathing, thinking people. They were one.
I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Lucy thought.
He had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even checked hers. I can understand your doubt. Even I didn’t realize how strongly I felt. It was never something I consciously thought about until now.
But the feeling has been there; that’s what counts, she replied.
Does it really count if I don’t know how deep, how perfect, how wonderful it is? Does it count if you don’t know how much you mean to me? Does it count if you don’t know with absolute certainty that I love you?
Lucy blushed and looked away. He caught her chin and brought her eyes back to his. The breeze had settled, and they were standing in the middle of a ring of fallen flowers.
“Are you ashamed of what you feel?” Ethan asked.
Lucy shook her head. “No, not at all. I’m just amazed. The way you feel about me and the way I feel about you is
…” She trailed off, but he caught the end of her sentence in her thoughts. …almost as strong as what Phoebe and Dorian feel for one another.
“Almost?” he asked.
Lucy sighed. “You don’t understand. I don’t even really understand it, not in this case. They are linked in a way that even I can’t comprehend, not fully. But the way you feel and the way I feel is very strong. The strongest that I’ve ever come across.”
“Except for Phoebe and Dorian,” Ethan said.
Lucy smiled. “Yes, except for them. But I don’t want to be them. I want to be us. I love you, and that’s what matters to me.”
“But you still think about it; you still compare us.”
“In that instance I did because I didn’t think I would find anything comparable to them. But I have, and you know how amazing that is to me and how happy I am that I’ve found that with you,” Lucy explained.
Ethan did know; her thoughts were an open book to him. He saw the way Phoebe and Dorian looked at one another. Nothing else in the world mattered to them until they were together and knew the other was happy and content. Was it so different for him and Lucy? He had never thought about it. He and Lucy were generally happy and content most of the time. Of course, they constantly had the other whether they were physically in the same room together or were just sharing their thoughts. But Phoebe and Dorian ached for one another. Even when they were together, it wasn’t enough.
Phoebe and Dorian both knew how much they loved each other, yet how often did Phoebe become enraged whenever the slightest thought of Dorian flitted through Kali’s mind? She fought for Dorian, and if the occasion ever came, Ethan knew Dorian would fight for her, even though they each knew that they only wanted each other. Ethan saw the way all the men here looked at Lucy. He saw from her memories how men in her village had looked at her too. But he had never once been angry about it. Never once had he felt the need to fight for her. Was it because he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she didn’t want anyone else? Or was it because he just didn’t care enough to fight for her?
No, neither one, Lucy thought.
What is it then? Ethan asked.
She was silent, both physically and mentally.
Am I ever going to find out whatever it is you can’t tell me? He was tired of all of this stuff he couldn’t know. He was sure knowing would solve everything.
I hope so. It really is frustrating not being able to tell you, Lucy sighed.
It’s even more frustrating not knowing at all, he thought.
“I know,” she whispered. “I’m ruining this, aren’t I?” Her brow furrowed. It was such a rare occurrence when that particular look appeared on her beautiful face.
Ethan smiled. “No, I’m just trying to understand.”
His arms were still wrapped around her. He briefly wondered how much time had passed and how long it would be before someone came looking for them. It felt like hours had gone by. Maybe even days or weeks or years had passed. He wondered if it was possible to love someone so much in such a short amount of time. How many times had the impossible been proven here in this world? Why was he still questioning it?
Lucy didn’t appear to be following his thoughts. “Well, if it helps, I don’t understand either. One day, if the ban is ever lifted, perhaps we’ll both find out. But until then, I’m happy, and what we have is more than perfect for me. So why don’t we just worry about that?”
Ethan laughed. “Okay, I guess Phoebe and Dorian deserve their mysteries. After all, Phoebe has been uncharacteristically not nosy about ours.”
“Well, I can’t blame her for being nosy. It’s part of her talent. I don’t think it’s something she particularly enjoys, but it’s unavoidable. But you’re right; she has been good about it.”
“Hmm, maybe it’s a good thing she and Dorian found out they need one another. I don’t think I would have lasted a week with military Dorian commanding us around.”
Lucy laughed, and it sounded like the most beautiful instrument in the world playing. “I’d like to see you tell him that to his face.”
Ethan’s fingers traced the side of her throat, from where the beautiful sound of her voice emanated. “Anything for you.”
Lucy smiled. In that case…why don’t we forget about Dorian, and you kiss me instead?
Anything for you.
25. Meeting
Dorian cleared his throat in annoyance, and Ethan huffed impatiently for what had to be the hundredth time in twenty short minutes. Dorian’s annoyance was due to Phoebe’s incessant squirming; Ethan’s impatience was due to the fact that the family and scout in isolation were getting their last check over before coming out; he and the others were waiting outside the isolation quarters, just down the hall from the infirmary. This anticipation was also the source of Phoebe’s squirming. Phoebe knew Dorian was also excited, but unlike the rest of them, his carefully composed features and trained patience gave nothing away.
She became distracted from her squirming when shimmering silver eyes gazed back at her. She felt like she should be used to this by now. Still, every time she found Dorian’s eyes trained on her, her heart raced. To know that he never tired of watching her every insignificant movement as if it was of the utmost importance made her dizzy with happiness. Once her eyes were captured by his, everything else disappeared. She slowly memorized his every feature. She probably knew them so well that she could draw them perfectly with her left hand and her eyes closed.
Even so, she scanned over him again, looking for any changes that might have occurred while he slept. She saw every strand of his black hair and its metallic streaks catching the light with perfect clarity. She remembered her friend Carmen’s brother trying to achieve the same casual look as Dorian’s. It had taken him forty-five minutes and three-fourths of a bottle of hair gel, and it still looked nowhere near as good or unintentional. Phoebe had never seen Dorian do anything with his hair, aside from running his fingers through it occasionally.
Dorian’s features did not hold a trace of the annoyance that his actions had portrayed moments ago. He was amused by her impatience. Although this face had been hard and cold upon their first meeting, it was now warm and content. The lines of stress and worry were more often replaced by those from smiling. Phoebe felt her heart swell, expanding to use every miniscule amount of space allotted to it, and then some. Only one thing was out of place on this face, and that was the permanently clenched muscle in the hard square of his jaw. No matter his mood, it was a line that never softened, a muscle that never relaxed.
The straight angle of his nose brought her attention to the perfect shape of his lips—lips that she had traced many times with her fingers. That was the most contact she had ever had with them. But she wanted more. Every time her focus was brought to the perfect curve of his lips, a curve that she was nearly positive would match hers, her longing for that contact raged out of control. She could see it play out just like the many fantasies she used to have to endure from Kali as she imagined the very same thing. But for Phoebe, it would be so much more.
Dorian was the most physically attractive man she had ever seen, and while that was part of her motivation, it went deeper than that. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt as if that connection would break down all the walls between them. That he would be hers in a way no one else ever had been, and in a way no one else ever would be. Though, despite numerous efforts, it was one act she couldn’t get him to commit to. There were moments when he was close to pressing his mouth to hers, but he’d turn away at the last second, and she could feel the pain and confusion it caused him. She wondered what he hid behind that barrier in his mind that wouldn’t let him move forward with her. For now, she didn’t force the issue because she didn’t want it to push him away. She knew that the seemingly small act would somehow unlock all the secrets he kept from her. If there was one thing that fascinated her about Dorian, at least more than anything else, it was the inner workings of his cryptic mind.
Ethan
and Lucy’s silence didn’t bother Phoebe. From the months she had observed Ethan in the Non-Magical Realm, she knew quite a lot about him already, and Lucy was probably the most honest person Phoebe had ever met. Lucy’s silence never meant she was holding back, only that she didn’t have anything she felt the need to say. Dorian, on the other hand, mystified Phoebe. His mind was a complicated maze, a puzzle she couldn’t solve. No matter how many times she rearranged the pieces or changed her direction or even tried to take him by surprise, he was always ready with a defense to keep her out of the secrets he kept.
Even when that wall did break down, even when the puzzle was solved, Phoebe was sure Dorian’s mind would still be the focal point of her fascination. She was sure that whatever these secrets were, they were probably more fascinating than anything she could possibly imagine. She tried not to drive herself crazy with the possibilities—it was a difficult task. The scar on his neck, the jagged line that was the only flaw on his lightly tanned skin, was sure to hold a longer and much more detailed story than the one he had given her. And that was only one thing. How much more was there that she didn’t know?
Phoebe saved his eyes for last. They always erased all other thoughts from her mind and left her with only one reason to want to pull him closer, to have that connection with him that she wanted so badly. His eyes were full of adoration that she couldn’t understand. He looked at her like she was a gift from the gods. She mentally chuckled at her own bad wording. She was just ordinary. Even here, she felt no different than any of the people around her.
Although she knew what would be there when she went searching Dorian’s thoughts, she had to check anyway. This was the one thing she hated about her elixir. The silence was precious, and to feel just her own emotions was bliss, except there was one voice that she missed. Phoebe focused, fighting through the thin shield that protected her mind from the emotions and thoughts around her. Her mind found Dorian’s easily, and she felt his love wash over her. It was still crippling, still so strong she couldn’t comprehend its depth. It was like trying to stretch her mind around the fact that the universe just went on and on and on, that there was no end to it. That was how deep, how limitless, how wonderful it was.