by Jess Bowen
“Ah, but you will be, soon enough. Nobody will remember me by then.” He smiled.
She smiled too. “I’ll remember you.”
He laughed. “Then the honor is indeed mine.”
Despite the fact that this man’s silent mind frustrated her, she couldn’t help but feel at ease in his presence. His voice was deep but not rough, and the lines on his face were well-defined from smiling. She was suddenly very grateful that these children had just spent eleven weeks with this man. Maybe smiles were not as rare to their faces as she had thought. From his wide muscles and his rough, scarred skin, she could tell the scout could be fierce when he needed to be, but he seemed to prefer otherwise.
Cassius, who had been laughing with the children only moments ago, rose to his feet and clapped his hands. “Now, we have much to do today. We must get these people to the Pool of Companions and then to their new home.”
Phoebe was confused. Didn’t Hector have a report to give? Her eyes flickered to Dorian as everyone got up from the floor. Millie jumped right into Hector’s arms and Christopher was already standing with Evan. Evan was just as big a kid and fit right in.
Dorian whispered low enough so only Phoebe would hear. “We don’t want to worry the new family. It’s best if the report is given just between those of us who need to know.”
Ethan was listening. “We’re part of that need-to-know group, right?”
Dorian nodded very slightly and continued in his almost silent voice. “You and Phoebe are and always will be; the others, because they have chosen to be, are also a part of that.” It didn’t sound like Dorian thought the rest of their friends should be included in these sorts of things.
“You don’t approve?” Phoebe whispered.
He shrugged. “They made their choice, and it is theirs to make. But it’s a heavy burden to bear. Not one I would choose for myself.”
Cynthia was talking to Rose and seemed to be getting along very well with her, and Jared had struck up a conversation with Philip. Lucy stood with them, but Phoebe could tell she was listening to Dorian.
“But we didn’t have a choice,” Ethan pointed out.
Dorian sighed. “Yes, I know. That doesn’t make it any easier.”
Phoebe broke free of her mind shell. Ethan and Lucy were silent; they were communicating about something. She went to Dorian; the weight in his voice was so heavy she could feel it pressing down on her. He was flipping through memories of past reports before he noticed her eyes, and then he suppressed them. She frowned.
You’ll see what I mean soon enough, love, he thought.
26. Memory
The weight of sadness was even in the tone of Dorian’s thoughts, and the frown didn’t disappear from Phoebe’s face. He brushed her cheek and attempted to smile. His love for her was muted, marred by worry and sadness. This truly was something he didn’t want her to have to deal with. It would hurt him for her to be there, but given her position as a Master, she had no choice. This was part of who she was—the good, and the bad. She had great power and a high position, but she also had a world depending on her—a world that was slowly being destroyed. She returned to her own mind as she, Ethan, Lucy, and Dorian followed slightly behind the rest of the group. She was dreading this report.
Ethan, Lucy, and Phoebe were silent as Rose and Philip received their companions. They walked across the large bridge to the other side of the Haven and stopped every so often as people greeted the new family. Phoebe wasn’t sure when it had happened, but Cynthia was now carrying Mia. Millie was perched on Hector’s shoulders, and Evan and Christopher raced each other every few feet.
Dorian was courteous and spoke for Phoebe often. Nobody seemed bothered by her silence. They took the family up nine floors to their dwellings and entered the third door down the hall. The karabs had outdone themselves. The room had looked no bigger than Phoebe’s small rooms in the Annexus on the outside but was enlarged on the inside. It had five bedrooms, a kitchen, two washrooms, and a sitting room. Every room was, of course, exquisite. It was stocked full of toys, clothes, and furniture. Even the nursery was completely finished. Rose and Philip were absolutely speechless.
They left the family to settle in and made their way back to the Annexus. Before long, they were in Cassius’s office again. Cassius sat behind his desk, Hector stood by the closed balcony doors, and the rest of them sat on the dais. Every trace of happiness was erased from Hector’s face, and Cynthia, Jared, and Evan looked serious again. Dorian held Phoebe’s hand, and Ethan held Lucy’s. Phoebe reached out and took Ethan’s hand as well. He was the only family she had left.
She took a deep breath and turned to Hector. He gazed at them before he started talking.
“Things are not going well. Especially since Petrozan is aware that Ethan and Phoebe are back. He’s confident, but he’s still taking precautions.” Hector’s deep voice sounded gruff. He didn’t sound at all like when they had met earlier. He clearly didn’t like doing this. “He started burning the Black Forest. He also has a Sensor traveling with his army now. I wasn’t able to tell how powerful he was. Even so, we should probably have the Sanctuary take extra precautions. I found Rose and Philip in a little cave in the Black Mountains. I was going to take them back to the Sanctuary, but the army seemed to keep moving in our shadow, and I didn’t want to lead them right into it, so I changed my course and we came here instead. You’re the only one who can shield moving powers.”
Evan and Jared were completely rigid. The Sanctuary had been their home for nineteen years, and their family was still there.
Hector continued. “Of course, it wouldn’t have mattered if it was just me, but I had Philip and Rose with me, two mature humans, and I was worried they would be able to track their powers. Just because they’ve never been trained to use their powers doesn’t negate the fact that they still have them and can be tracked by a Sensor.”
Phoebe didn’t understand that. Why wouldn’t a Sensor matter if it was just him?
Cassius spoke up. “The other two who were with you when you left?”
Hector hung his head. “The Shamarian found us just a few hours before I found Philip and Rose. Another reason I believe their Sensor is very strong. I only escaped because of Pele.” Hector tapped his companion mark; it was an eagle. “Whatever their fate, they will not be coming back.”
Dorian’s hand clenched in Phoebe’s, and she realized she was holding her breath. She couldn’t even look at his face. If the pain there was anything like Hector’s, she would not be able to bear it. Lucy sobbed audibly, and Ethan pulled her into his chest. Hector turned his attention to her.
“I knew your brother,” he said softly. “He was a good a man and a good friend. I miss him very much.”
Lucy shuddered and cried harder. “I’m sorry,” Hector said to Ethan.
Ethan was silent for a minute. “She’s not upset with you. She misses him too. This is very hard for her.”
Hector nodded. Phoebe took her hand from Ethan’s and held Lucy’s instead. She squeezed it tightly. Through her touch, Phoebe could feel Lucy’s pain, and tears stung her eyes.
Hector continued with his report. “They’re burning the forest quickly. The air is just about black now. Hundreds of creatures are dying because Petrozan is no longer interested in allies or prisoners. His army has grown by at least a hundred thousand. The elf and centaur village deep in the forest was able to make it to safety, but so many others are dying. Even with warning, they can’t evacuate quickly enough. They found a small group of people hiding in the forest, about fifteen of them. I don’t know what happened to them.”
Ice filled Phoebe’s veins. She couldn’t move. Tears poured down her cheeks, but she couldn’t move her hands to wipe them away. She understood. This was a heavy burden to bear. To hear of all these people and creatures dying, the black air, the fires burning, it was horrible. Dorian put his arm around her shoulders and tried to pull her closer, but for the first time ever, she resisted. How could she acce
pt comfort when so many others never had it? When so many others deserved it so much more than she did?
The familiar hot, burning anger took the place of the ice. Nobody noticed the change. They were still talking, but Phoebe couldn’t hear them anymore. She had to get out. She had to get away from here, this beautiful, peaceful place. She had to get away from it. She hated it. She wanted to run, so she did. Before she knew it, she was flying down the stairs. She ran flat out across both entrance halls, drawing many curious glances. Phoebe heard quick footsteps about three floors up. She burst through the front doors and stopped. There was nowhere to go.
She turned her head and saw her exit: the one place she wasn’t allowed to go, but she was going now. The footsteps had made it down another floor. If she started running now, only Lucy could hope to catch up with her. She ran. She pushed herself harder than she ever had before. Every pull of muscle felt like a release. The quiet peaceful village was behind her in less than a minute, and she ran through the dark tunnel. She lengthened her stride. Even Lucy wouldn’t be able to catch up with her now. She was fast, but Phoebe had a head start, a longer stride, and she was stronger.
She ran for a long time. She thought of nothing but the pull of muscle, the blood rushing, and her quick breaths. Slowly her anger faded. Eventually she was left with a throbbing sadness in her chest but nothing else. She slowed her pace to a walk. A minute later she stopped. She leaned against the cold stone wall and slid down into a ball. So much death. So much they weren’t doing to stop it. So much she couldn’t do because she wasn’t strong enough yet. Footsteps echoed. They were still about three miles off. That meant it definitely wasn’t Lucy. She would have been closer.
Phoebe didn’t even use her talent to find out who it was. It wouldn’t matter. She would have to explain herself either way. She would have to explain how unstable her anger was, how she was too weak to control it. She closed her eyes and rested her head against her knees. She wished for her mother and father. She missed them so much, and she wished they had better prepared her for this. Tears continued to fall, but these were just from sadness; her anger had faded for the moment.
The steady footfalls continued to get closer. She knew whoever it was would know she had stopped by the absence of her own footsteps. Fifteen people. Fifteen people that they didn’t even know the fate of. Did those fifteen include children, innocents that couldn’t even try to protect themselves? Hundreds, maybe even thousands, of creatures dying because they couldn’t outrun the fire. Yet the rest of them, the ones who should be protecting them, sat in the Haven. A place where it was hard to imagine anything horrible at all because it was just too beautiful, too perfect.
It was just a Band-Aid. An innocent-looking bandage covering the deep, throbbing, festering wound beneath it. Why should anyone feel worried when they couldn’t see the pain? When the bandage covered it so well that they didn’t even give the horror beneath it a second thought?
The echoing footsteps covered two miles quickly, and Phoebe caught the scent of the person approaching. Dorian. He hated when she was out of his sight at all, and her being in the tunnels was sure to cause him stress. He slowed to a walk; he must have realized he was getting closer. Phoebe contemplated running again. With a mile still between them, she didn’t think he could catch up to her. And she didn’t want to see the look of concern on his face, or worse, accusation once he realized how unstable she was. But she couldn’t make herself move. She knew she had to go back. She had to continue training. She had to be ready. So she waited.
Dorian rounded the last corner. Phoebe didn’t look up from her knees. He sat down against the wall beside her and was quiet for a while. She was surprised she wasn’t getting a lecture about how dangerous the tunnels were, how they weren’t completely protected. After a few minutes, she lifted her head slightly and looked at Dorian. It was worse than she thought. He was in pain. His silver eyes watched her closely, and although she could tell he was trying to hide his expression, he wasn’t succeeding.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He shook his head and his look of pain became more pronounced. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say you’re sorry.”
“Why not?” She was confused. Hadn’t he come here to tell her she had done something wrong?
“Because of every emotion that you feel, sorry should not be one of them. Not for the way you reacted. That’s how every single person should feel about what’s happening.”
Phoebe was shocked, too shocked to feel ashamed of her next confession. “But I almost lost it back there. I almost lost control of my anger again.”
Dorian threaded his fingers into hers. “And of all the reasons to lose control of your anger, that one is understandable. I haven’t seen that much anger in a long time for those who are being so brutally murdered and mistreated.”
Phoebe still couldn’t think straight. She had been so ready for someone to make her feel bad about how she had acted, and Dorian was condoning it. She tried to get back on track. “But surely, everyone here must be upset about it. They know what’s happening.”
Dorian shook his head again. “They used to be. It used to be hard to contain them every time a report came in. Now, they’ve grown used to the way things are. They don’t have to worry about their safety here, and they’ve become complacent.”
Phoebe had been right. The Haven was too perfect. “But the scouts who don’t come back? Surely they must be upset about that?”
“We haven’t lost a scout in a long time. Lucy’s brother, Robbie, was the last one, and that was three years ago. Petrozan had things under control for a while, and he wasn’t tracking down scouts. Now that you and Ethan are back, he’s worried.”
“They will know about the two who were lost, though, right?” Phoebe asked.
“Yes, but I’m beginning to wonder if it will matter to them anymore. I don’t know if they’re willing to risk their safety anymore to help those who need it.”
Something clicked in Phoebe’s memory. “That’s what you meant when you said sometimes it’s easier to pretend you don’t care. The first night I was really angry. You used to pretend not to care because it wasn’t just as hard on the rest of them, not because it was. You were trying to make me feel better. You were trying to make me think that they were happy because they were trying not to worry about it. Not because it didn’t really matter to them anymore.”
He looked ashamed. “Yes, but would you have believed it was possible that people could turn a blind eye to what was going on?”
Phoebe thought about that for a minute. It wasn’t so hard to imagine. “Yes, I would have. It’s no better in the Realm of Non-Magic. Every day people are starving, neglected, dying from diseases that are curable, murdered, beaten, and anything else you can think of. Still, for people who are safe in their homes and have enough food, they tend not to worry about others who are suffering.”
He nodded. “But does it really make the knowledge of how they are any more acceptable?”
“No, not really.” Phoebe didn’t like knowing that these people didn’t care as much anymore. She didn’t like knowing that the reason was because they felt safe and didn’t want to risk that safety to help anyone else. She could understand it, but she couldn’t sympathize. “But there are still people who care, people who are willing to risk their lives to help,” she said.
Dorian smiled slightly. “Yes, and it’s because of them that I haven’t lost faith completely.”
Phoebe leaned over and laid her head on his shoulder. She suddenly realized that they both needed the comfort. “You should never lose faith. As long as there is one person still willing to fight, there’s still hope.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Then I have a lot of hope. You weren’t the only one who was angry today. Your friends are stronger and more determined than I gave them credit for. Perhaps not everyone is as complacent as I thought.”
“I was the only one who took off running down the forbidd
en tunnel,” she sighed.
Dorian sighed too. “It’s very difficult for you to control now, isn’t it.”
“Yes. You can’t imagine how bad it is.”
“I think I can. Your eyes get very dark, not quite black, but close. Today before you took off they were black. I was afraid you weren’t going to stop.”
Phoebe pulled away from him. She didn’t deserve for him to understand. She didn’t want him to be okay with it. She wanted to be stronger than that. She jumped to her feet and started pacing within the tunnel. He stood up as well and watched her.
“It’s not that bad. You haven’t lost control of it again. I thought you might today, but you were in control enough to get out and get away from everyone. You ran it off. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I should be ashamed of it. I am ashamed of it. Everything that makes me even the slightest bit upset spirals out of control, and I have to force myself to contain it. What if one time I can’t contain it? What if just one time I lose it and I hurt someone? What if I hurt you?”
Dorian stopped her on her next pass and pulled her into his chest. She tried to pull away, but she didn’t really want to. She was safe there. Safe from everything, even herself.
“Phoebe, I would never let that happen. I try to keep you out of any situation that might lead to that, and I will never let you hurt anyone,” he assured her.
She wrapped her arms around his waist. “I shouldn’t need you there to help me. I should be able to control it. Nobody else has to fight with their anger like I do. They’re strong enough.”
He tightened his arms. “You are not weak. You’re strong enough to fight it. I have never seen anyone able to do that.”
“But the fact that it’s strong enough that I have to fight it is just as bad,” Phoebe replied miserably.
“Did you ever stop to consider that while you have very strong negative emotions, the good ones are just as strong? It kind of balances out, in my opinion.”