by Julia Mills
Since Yiddish was not my first language, or even my third, I had to go with my gut. I hugged her the best I could while barely being able to breathe or raise my arms, then took a step back the instant she loosened her grip and nodded. It was kinda weird how a woman who was as wide as she was tall, had crazy grey curls escaping pink plastic curlers the size of soda cans, skin that looked like tanned leather and watery blue eyes that could go from a welcoming Fran Drescher to a threatening Bugsy Malone and back again in the span of a nice-to-meet-you hug, but let me assure you Auntie Matilda did it.
Standing completely still, wondering how many other personalities lived inside that round little body dressed in a fluorescent orange muumuu covered in royal blue and Kelly green hibiscus flowers, I watched as my Hunky Hellhound’s cheeks were pinched, his hair was tucked behind his ears and invisible spots were spit-washed from his face using the tissue pulled from her bosom – all courtesy of Auntie Matilda. I know without a doubt I looked like a deer in the headlights when he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him, but I have to admit, my Hunky Hellhound had some chutzpah.
“Auntie dear, I would formally like to introduce you to my mate, Heidi.” Then looking down at me with a wink and a squeeze of my hand added, “Heidi, this is Auntie Matilda.”
Looking up, I forced a smile onto my shocked face and finger waved to Hunter’s aunt while Lola shrieked in my brain. “Mate? Really? Did this guy drink the Kool-Aid? Does he not know we are not the ‘settling down’ type? Girl, you better get back to that dungeon of yours and lock the freakin’ door, this guy likes it and he wants to put a ring on it. Run, Heidi, Run.”
I didn’t have time to respond to the hooker in my head because Matilda was once again speaking and I got the idea I would suffer bodily harm if I had to ask her to repeat anything. “I’m just so glad you’re outta that mess with the nudnik. There’s no way I could take having her at my house for Halloween dinner or Satan forbid, Thanksgiving.”
(Thanksgiving? In Hell? Remind me to check on that later.)
“Well, that’s why we’re here, Auntie. We need your help. I haven’t broken it off with Luci, per se because of the contract.”
Hunter’s normally smooth baritone had a little hitch in it at the mention of a signed agreement, so being the big bad lawyer that I am (or was) I said, “No worries, I can handle any legal dispute you have.” Then adding under my breath, “And then you’re gonna explain this whole mate thing to me. Way to surprise a girl, big guy?”
Matilda took a pack of Marlboro reds from the pocket of her muumuu, lit up and with a raspy laugh said, “It’s not that kinda contract, doll.” Taking a long drag off her cigarette, she blew smoke rings over our heads and speaking to Hunter added, “Your little baleboste there is gonna have to fight for ya’ boychick.”
“Fight?... Who?” I stammered. “Luci?... Satan’s little girl?” I felt weak in the knees. “Fight how?... A good game of chess?... Darts?... Eight ball?” Little black spots were dancing before my eyes. There wasn’t enough air. Sweat was rolling down my back. I had thought Matilda was a bubble off center when we first met but now I had confirmation. She was absolutely, completely, without a doubt, certifiable and her next answer sealed the deal.
“No, bubbala, you gotta shift into a Hellhound and tear out her throat.”
(Well, shit, this was supposed to be a romp in the bushes not a trip to the morgue…)
Chapter Four
“Okay, see, here’s the thing,” I tried to sound like I knew what I was talking about but to be honest I was so far out of my depth, Jacque Cousteau couldn’t have found me during one of his underwater expeditions.
“Yes?” They asked in unison as I stood looking anywhere but at them.
“Well…” I hemmed. “I haven’t ever really…” I hawed. “turned into a Hellhound.” I cringed. “I don’t know how.” I finally blurted out, looking at an especially interesting piece of ash that had floated to the ground when Matilda flicked her cigarette.
“You what?” Hunter asked, at the same time Auntie Matilda screeched, “Hell, yeah, you’re the one we’ve been waiting for.”
“What?!” Hunter and I shouted at the same time. (At this point, my head was feeling a lot like a ping pong ball with all the looking this way and looking that way, but I will tell you what Matilda said next made me think about taking a dive off Charon’s pier.)
Her raspy chuckle, that quickly turned to a cough, in which I was sure we going to see one, if not both, of her lungs fall out onto the smoldering ground, ended with her pulling a flask from the other pocket of her muumuu, knocking back a healthy swig of what smelled like pure grain alcohol and finally reiterating, “You, Heidi, are the one we’ve been waiting for.”
“You knew I was coming?” Was the first question that came out of my mouth. Probably not the right choice, but it was the one my brain went with nonetheless.
Nodding, Matilda turned and hollered over her shoulder, “Follow me, I need to sit down. My fercockt knees are giving out. We’ll have a nosh and I’ll tell you all about it.”
Hunter pulled me along as we followed his Auntie. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what she had to say. I mean, enough is enough, right? My head was spinning with everything that had happened but that didn’t stop me. Oh no! Once again I opened my mouth and out popped a question, “Why did you introduce me to Matilda as your mate?”
“Because you are.”
Waiting to the count of five, I swatted his arm with my free hand when he still wasn’t explaining and said with an exasperated sigh, “More information please.”
Stopping, he called to Matilda’s back, “We’ll be there in a moment, Auntie. You go ahead and get your feet up.”
“Okay darling. Take your time. I’ll put the kettle on.” The little round woman answered, waddling out of sight much quicker than I would’ve ever guessed she could move.
Turning towards me, Hunter placed his hand on the side of my face and smiled a smile that literally made my ‘whoopie-pie’ give a little shimmy followed by a tiny shake before I could get it under control. Lola started to say something I’m sure was sarcastic but I tuned her out in favor of listening to the gorgeous man before me.
“I knew the moment I saw you. There was never a doubt in my mind that you were my one true mate. Then we touched and there was no going back. There’s several myths out there about finding, ‘the one’,” he paused and made air quotes with his free hand. “But to be honest, I thought it was all bullocks.” He stopped, looked deeper into my eyes while his thumb drew sexy little circles on my cheek and whispered, “Then there was you.”
As you can imagine, I was once again a goner, (This man has the uncanny ability to turn me to goo like no other. And to be honest, it’s the coolest frikkin’ thing ever…but don’t tell Lola. She’s holding out for a wham, bam, thank you, sexy man.) and my Hunky Hellhound knew it. Taking full advantage of my sexually charged mutism, Hunter lowered his lips to mine and for the first time, kissed me slowly and deeply and completely. It was a slow burn that started at the tips of my toes, worked its way up my legs, across my tummy and made my nipples stand on end before landing right in the middle of my big goofy heart.
Pulling back, barely able to catch my breath, happy I wasn’t the only one as Hunter panted right along with me, I asked, “So, why didn’t you tell me before?”
Taking a deep cleansing breath, he shrugged, “Figured you would run away, but I knew if I got you to Auntie Matilda, she would know what to do.”
Not sure what to make of his steadfast confidence in his crazy old Aunt, I asked, “And she is…?”
“She’s the daughter of Vassago, who…”
“Wait, wait, wait…I’ve heard that name somewhere before,” I interrupted, pulling away so I could think while pacing a back and forth careful to avoid the snakes that were snapping and hissing at my feet. (And now, I knew why all my new footwear upon arriving in Hell was boots. Not only were they fabulous, but also functional.)
I felt Hunter’s eyes following my every move. I could feel his need to interrupt me as I paced, but I couldn’t listen to what he had to say until I remembered where I had heard that demon’s name. It was just one of my idiosyncrasies. I had to know. I couldn’t let it go. It was one of the many things that made me a kick ass attorney but also drove every other person I ever knew crazy.
Fast-forwarding through every conversation I’d had since my descent into Hell, I relived every word I’d heard and said. It was kinda like listening to the chipmunks on crack, but finally I found what I was looking for. Spinning on my stiletto, I screamed, “Holy shit on a shingle!”
“What, love? What is it?” Hunter was immediately at my side as I continued to spout one euphemism after another to express how righteously screwed I was.
“I am fucked. Fucked I tell you. I might as well put my head between my knees and kiss my ass goodbye because I am screwed with a capital S.” I grabbed my Hunky Hellhound by the upper arms and shook him the best I could, (Give me a break. He’s seven-feet-tall and two-hundred-and eighty-pounds of rock-hard-muscles. Not one frickin’ Pilates or yoga class I ever took prepared me for shaking all of that.) while screaming, “And you. Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! You’re fucked, too.”
“Heidi, darling, slow down. I cannot help, if I don’t know what you’re screaming about.”
His words barely registered as I threw my hands in the air, twirled like a top away from him and began pacing again, this time stepping on every snake I could just to make me feel better. “Well, maybe you’re not screwed. Maybe your dad can get you out of this, but not me. Oh, hell no, not me. My family tree is more crooked than a Jersey loan shark. Shit, my mom is the reason I’m here. Holy shit, I am so fucked.”
I rambled on and on until Hunter physically picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, smacked my ass and said, “You need to relax, my love. Auntie Matilda will help us, but first…” He slapped my ass again, immediately rubbing away the sting and then groaning when I wiggled against his shoulder and grumbled, “You better be careful there, hot stuff. You raise my skirt any higher and I’ll be mooning Matilda. Any other time I would welcome your hand on my bare ass but, right now, I’d like to save said body part and everything attached to it from being turned to ash.”
Stopping dead in his tracks, my Hunky Hellhound set me on my feet, took a deep breath and said, “Woman, you test the lengths of my restraint.”
Opting for sassy as opposed to the raving lunatic from a few seconds ago, I turned around, wiggled my butt as I made a production out of pulling down my skirt and then glanced over shoulder and teased, “You only have yourself to blame. It was you who tore my panties off and left me with a bare bootie.”
Turning back towards Matilda’s house, I squealed as Hunter swooped in behind me, lifted me off the ground and ran like the Hounds of Hell (Get it? Hounds of Hell? Good job! You’re keeping up.) to Matilda’s front door and as we crossed the threshold announced, “We’re here, Auntie.”
I almost asked who else she was expecting but instead stood in awe of the cute, little old-lady décor, complete with thick plastic covering the furniture and tchatchkes of every imaginable size, shape and color covering all the available surfaces. It was the total opposite of the outside which resembled the quaint little witch’s cottage from Hansel and Gretel but after they’d burnt the old bitty and torched the place.
“Oh, boychick, the kettle should be ready. Make us some tea. It sounds like your little bubbala needs some,” Matilda croaked from the other room.
Kissing my cheek, Hunter motioned towards the living room. “Go. Sit with Auntie. I’ll be right in.”
Wishing to be absolutely anywhere else but sure there was no escape, I huffed my bangs out my face and headed in to ‘sit with Auntie’. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before Hunter appeared carrying a tray of tea and cookies, placed it on the table and sat down beside me.
Reaching forward, Matilda put ten, (Yes, you read that right, ten.) cubes of sugar in her steaming cup of tea. Then after grabbing five cookies, sat back, put her feet up and began, “Here it is, plain as I can tell you, I’m the daughter of Vassago, and…”
“Yeah, about that,” I interrupted. “Bert, the imp, was telling me about some prophecy and to be honest…”
“You thought it was a load of mishegas,” She cut me off with a chuckle-cough. “Well, it isn’t and…”
“You know the truth, cause your dad told you.” I jumped up and did a fist pump, quickly slapping my arms down to my side and sliding my skirt back down my thighs before Matilda got to see way more of me than she ever needed to. Looking at Hunter, I thought about slapping the shit-eating grin off his face but instead swooned one more damn time when his low, smooth, perfectly-accented baritone rumbled through my body. “While I appreciate that you two are getting along famously, I am feeling a bit left out over here.”
Pushing down the footrest on her La-Z-Boy, Matilda scooted to the edge of her seat, leaned forward and said, “Here’s the demon’s honest truth, straight from my poppa’s mouth.”
I admit to silently freaking out as her eyes rolled back in their sockets, the random curls on her head stood on end while the pink plastic curls spun like top and in a low, creepy, monotone voice, she recited, “The human-born son of Cerberus will mate the one who carries the curse of another, the one unable to shift. Once consummated, their union will bring forth the power and magic of Beelzebub and only that couple, when acting as one, can wield that authority and claim their rightful place on the throne of Hell.”
With a wheeze and a fart, Matilda fell back in her chair, dead to the world, snoring like a buzzsaw. Unsure what to do, I plopped down on the couch next to Hunter and asked, “So…what do we do now?”
“We wait. It takes a lot out of the old girl to channel Vassago, but she recovers quickly.” He grabbed my hand, kissed my knuckles, then laid it on his thigh and covered it with his. “Would you like some tea, love?”
“We’d like a fifth of scotch with a tequila chaser and to be anywhere but here,” Lola grumbled in my head as I turned in my seat, looked my Hunky Hellhound in the eyes and answered, “No, I don’t want any damned tea. I want to know why you didn’t tell me at least some of this before trying to have sex with me in the bushes? I mean, hanging out with you is literally gonna get me killed. And while I’m thinking it might be worth it, I would at least like to have a say in my second death, since the first time was just another in a series of big effed up surprises.” I knew I was screaming. Knew I sounded like a loon. But honestly, I was sick and frikkin’ tired of not knowing what was going to happen next. I never liked surprises when I was alive, especially after my mom’s whole ‘Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. I sold your soul to the Devil. Have a nice life.’ thing and they sucked with even more panache now that I was dead.
Shaking his head, Hunter put his arm across the back of the couch and as he spoke let my hair run through his fingers. “I didn’t know.” He shrugged while I tried to ignore the little shocks of electricity racing through my body with every touch of the tips of his fingers to my skin. Thankfully, (I think.) his nonchalant answer put the kibosh on my libido.
“You didn’t know? How did you not know?” (Yep, you guessed it. I was screaming again.)
Looking over my shoulder, not rattled at all by my penchant for losing my cool but obviously avoiding eye contact for the first time since I’d met him, Hunter sighed, “I never knew my mother. Auntie Matilda and her sister, Beatrix, raised me since I was part-human and couldn’t stay with the other hounds. I visited them, my brothers and sisters, almost every day and spent time with dad learning how to guard the Gates but, he’s not a great conversationalist and to be honest, it never came up.”
“Didn’t you ever wonder why you were, well, you and your ‘brothers and sisters’ were dogs?”
Shaking his head, Hunter chuckled, “Don’t ever let them hear you call them dogs. They take great offense to being compared to any animal that sniffs another�
��s bum. And to answer your question, Matilda and Beatrix made sure I knew I was different…special, and that was good enough for me. Looking back, I see where that could’ve been my first mistake but…”
“But nothing,” Matilda rasped, rejoining the land of the living with a snort, a yawn and another fart. (And before you ask, old lady demon witch farts smell like corn beef and cabbage. Didn’t mean to offend anyone but I knew you had to be wondering and I would hate to leave you hanging.) “My boy made no mistakes. It’s all that Lucifer’s fault. The chutzpah of that schmuck! Thinks he’s all high and mighty. Why, I was here when….”
Waving her hand in the air, she sighed, “That’s a story for another time. Anyway, the dirty bastard knew you were coming, for Hell’s sake, we all knew you’d get here sooner or later. But being the Ruler of the Underworld and all, he knew exactly when and manipulated my poor, dumb brother, Cerberus into signing a contract that committed Hunter to marrying that dingbat daughter of his and keeping the throne for himself.”
She pulled out her flask and pack of smokes, took a swig and lit up then went on, “Because if my boy there marries anyone but you, Beelzebub’s power and magic stay where they are and it’ll be another five thousand years or so before the next true Hellhound Shifter is born.”
“Wait? What?” Again with the stammering, I was getting annoyed with myself but no matter, I powered on, “Five thousand years?” Spinning in my seat, I looked at my Hunky Hellhound and even as he was nodding had to ask, “How old are you?”
“One-thousand-six-hundred- and sixty-six in December.”
Unable to speak, I shot straight up, stepped around his impossibly long legs and paced the length of the couch as Matilda went on. “You’re really gonna have to pull that pretty little head of yours out of your tuches. We don’t have much time before Luci claims your man and as much as I like you, I’ll snatch you bald if you let that happen.”