by Julia Mills
Panting and sweating and trying to keep up with the frantic pace I’d set, Bert tapped my arm, shook his head and pulled his hand out from under mine. Slowing my pace, I finally had to stop so the poor little guy could catch his breath. (No, I didn’t really have the time but since he was all the help I had, he had to at least have enough air to speak, am I right?)
Wiping his brow on the back of the sleeve of his frock and pulling a bottle of water from an unseen pocket, (Have you noticed that Hellians have pockets for everything? Yeah, me too.) Bert took a deep breath and with a smile said, “No worries, Luci is in Limbo for the next three days. Lucifer sent her on some training assignment since she’d been the last ruler of that realm and the one before her was mistakenly eaten by a hydra who’d gotten dropped off in the wrong realm by one of Charon’s trainees.” (Even Hell has staffing issues. Who woulda thought?)
Letting out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, I snickered, “Yay, score one for the good guys.” Then I asked, “So about Hunter, can you help?”
“Sure, I can,” my little imp buddy smiled as he grabbed the handle of his wagon and headed to my dungeon.
In retrospect, I should’ve known something was up when Bert avoided my questions on the last leg of our trek, but to be honest I was kind of preoccupied. So, when he said, “You have to get down there and cuddle with him. Kiss him. Hug him. Call to the man in him.”
“Are you serious? There’s no other way?”
He had the nerve to blush as he added with a shrug, “Be his mate.”
Jumping to conclusions, I growled through gritted teeth, “No way. No way. No way. I draw the line at that.”
Immediately catching my drift, Bert jumped up from his spot on what was now ‘his bucket’ and ran to me. Grabbing my hands, he shook his head so hard I swear his eyeballs were still flying side to side when he stopped and said, “Oh, Hades, no! I meant kiss his snout, pet his head, that kinda stuff. Damn, Heidi, did you have to go right to the gutter?”
“That’s where I live little man,” Lola purred to which I said, “Shut up, Lola.” Then to Bert, “Oh, sorry, it’s been a helluva couple hours.”
“Who’s Lola?” His brows furrowed and his expression said he was sure I’d lost what little marbles I had left.
Shaking my head, I explained, “Lola is my hooker alter-ego. She has a trashy mouth, her mind is always in the gutter and her favorite past time is sex…of any kind. Just ignore her. I do.”
Taking a step back, Bert’s eyes got really big as he nodded, “Whatever you say, Heidi.”
“Oh for Pete’s sake, Bert. You’re an imp, in Hell, who feeds hellhounds, who’s in love with the Devil’s daughter and coming to me for help. Is it really so hard to believe I have a voice in my head who thinks she’s a high-price call girl?”
“Well, when you put it that way…”
“Alright then. Now, before I go cuddle *shudder* with wolfie over there,” I motioned over my shoulder with my thumb. “How do I get out of Hell and to West Virginia?”
Tapping his chin, he walked back to his bucket, took a seat and with a look of intense concentration replied, “You’re gonna need Hunter to get out of Hell without anyone knowing and as far as getting to West Virginia, whatever that is, didn’t you get directions from Matilda? Beatrix is, after all, one of her sisters.”
“Well…see…I might’ve…yeah…I…ummmm…” I looked up to see Bert giving me the ‘what did you do’ look that my mother had given me for most of life and blurted out, “I lost my cool, alright. I got pissed, stomped out and forgot to find out what to do. All the old bitty told me was that I was gonna need Hunter and I had to get him back to his normal self.”
Shaking his head and blowing out an exasperated breath, Bert sighed, “Okay, bottom line it for me again. Let me see what I can figure out.”
With absolute certainty that I was wasting my time, but doing what he said anyway since I was all out of options, I quickly said, “Matilda said, get out of Hell, get to West Virginia, find Beatrix, have her restore the part of my magic that lets me shift, get back to Hell, challenge and beat Luci and do it all in three days - before the wedding.” Bert’s normally olive green complexion was turning grey and his breath was coming in little pants, so I ran to get him something stronger than water.
Returning with a fifth of what was marked “Hooch’, I handed the bottle to the imp, watched as he gulped down at least half of it and waited as the color returned to his face. Looking at up me with sad eyes, he said, “You have to ‘beat’ Luci,” he gulped, “Like kill her.”
Well, shit, I hadn’t thought about the fact that Bert would be losing the love of his life until that very second and to be honest, it made me sad. Thinking on my feet had always been something I was good at it and if there was ever a time to come up with a plan B, it was that moment. So, I opened my mouth and let the first thought I had fly right out.
“You can come with me. If Beatrix is as powerful as Matilda says she is, then she has to have a way that all this can work without Luci having to die.” He was perking up and it made me so happy that I just kept going. (If you haven’t guessed by now, let me make it clear… I am well aware that my mouth writes a lot of checks my ass has to scramble to cash. It’s a character flaw. I’m in Hell. You do the math.)
“And who knows, maybe Beatrix has some special potion or spell or whatever witches have that can convince The Devil to let you marry his little girl.” (Too much? Yeah…probably.)
But it was too late, my new bestie, an imp named Bert, was jumping around and clapping his hands and thanking me like I’d pulled deodorant out of my butt. (Cause Bert had some serious b.o. I know it wasn’t his fault, but…dayum.) To say the night had gone from bad to worse was an understatement and that was all before I had to go ‘snuggle’ with a ten-foot, snoring Wolfman who I was falling in love with. (There I said it. Now, you can sit there and laugh at me as you read the rest of this. I don’t care.)
“Oh, Heidi, thank you so much,” Bert gushed. “I’m gonna go pay the hags in the bog a visit and see if they have any information on Beatrix’s whereabouts. I know she used to bunk with them when she and Matilda would have a falling out. I’m sure she would’ve told them where she was going.”
By the time he’d returned his bucket to the corner, grabbed the handle of his wagon and was talking over his shoulder as he headed out the door, “I just have to feed the hellhounds and then I’ll get to work. You get Hunter back. See you soon.” I was tired and my night was only getting started.
Looking at Hunter where he was curled in a ball the size of a small sand dune, with drool running out the side of his fang-filled mouth, while he snored so loudly that every so often the various bottles of poisons, I had yet to learn to use, clattered as they shook on the shelf, I couldn’t help but ask myself… “What in the name of the Devil himself are you thinking?”
Of course, Lola answered before I could with, “You’re thinking, even as a creature of an old B movie you still want a piece of that. That’s what you’re thinking, you slut. And I love it.”
“Whatever hooker, go back and watch your porn. I gotta cuddle with the hound,” I griped just as a voice behind me asked, “You have to what?”
Turning around so fast that I lost my balance and had to grab the table to keep from landing on my ass, I snapped, “Who the hell are you?” A second before Lola said, “Come to momma.” And just before the incredibly handsome stranger said, “My name is Lucifer. Welcome to Hell.”
Chapter Seven
To say that I was caught off guard is like saying Hoover Dam is a mud hole. Standing not thirty-feet from me was Lucifer, the King of Hell, the Big Guy and most pertinent to my current situation, Luci’s daddy. He reminded me of a young Sean Connery (Think of his 007 days but without the British accent.) with his jet black hair gelled back to within an inch of its life, an arrogant smile that led to a single dimple in his left cheek and swagger that said, ‘I know I’m great. Tell me what you think
about me?’.
He was tall, not as tall as my Hunky Hellhound but at least six-foot-six, with a swimmers build, evident and accentuated by his perfectly tailored black suit. His crisp white shirt was open at the collar revealing just a smattering of dark chest hair and fire danced in his eyes when he asked, “May I come in?”
Giving a broad sweeping motion with one hand to hide that I was throwing the curtain separating my living area from my dungeon closed with the other, to hide my sleeping Wolfman - also known as the man supposed to marry Lucifer’s daughter in two weeks - I smiled, “Mi casa es tu casa,” then under my breath, “Literally.”
“Thank you,” he purred, walking directly toward me with a look that said I’m trying to decide whether or not to eat you.
Clearing my throat, I unconsciously took a step back a split second before the King of Hell wrapped his long, elegant fingers around mine, lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles while murmuring, “So very pleased to meet you, Heidi.”
Fire raced up my arm, through my body and landed right in the pit of my stomach. My knees went weak and had it not been for the table at my back, I know my next graceful move would’ve been my ass hitting the floor. But, as my shitty luck would have it, Lucifer pulled me to him and chuckled, “And are you pleased to meet me, my little Heidi?”
“Y-y-yes,” I stammered, pulling my hand from his as I scooted to the left, took a step back and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Good,” he smiled, slowly turning around, taking in every detail of my dungeon, before adding, “I apologize that it has taken me so long to get down here to meet you. What with Luci’s wedding plans and my work, I’ve just been so busy.”
He finished his spin, which I wasn’t sure was for my benefit or his, but I will admit I had a nice view, speared me with his dark onyx eyes and said, “I understand you are my little girl’s maid-of-honor.”
“Yes.” I quickly answered, wondering where all this was leading but wanting it over as soon as possible. I was sure Lucifer had more important things to do than welcome the newest Hellhound to the Pits, or discuss his daughter’s wedding plans so I played along. “I’m so excited. Sounds like she’s planned quite the event.” (Read that as a three-ring circus complete with big top, dancing ponies and a clown…me!)
Watching me for just a second longer than was comfortable, the Devil grinned, “I don’t always get a chance to meet all the new Torture Mavens, (Torture Mavens? I have another title? This shit is getting out of control.) but since my little princess is so taken with you, I thought I needed to make the time.”
He was working up to something…something I wasn’t going to like. I could feel it descending all around me like that black cloud that follows the dirty little kid in the Peanuts cartoon. Watching Lucifer closely as he walked around my dungeon fiddling with the nobs and tightening the chains on all my devices, I almost missed the flash of fire in his eyes a split second before he snapped his fingers and a cozy little table for two appeared in the center of the room right out of a puff of smoke.
I had to admit the King had good taste. It looked like a scene right from a French café, complete with candles and a single long-stemmed red rose in a crystal vase in the center of the table. Holding out my chair for me, Lucifer purred, “Have a seat. Have some wine. Let’s get to know one another. Any friend of Luci’s has to be a friend of mine.”
All the whistles and bells in my head were going off, complete with red flags waving and Lola screaming, “Abort! Abort! Abort!” But I was stuck…nowhere to run…nowhere to hide…
Placing my hand over my glass as Lucifer tried to pour what looked like a really good Bordeaux, I shook my head. “Don’t want to be fuzzy for work tonight,” I chuckled.
Moving my hand to the side, the King arched an eyebrow and gave me a grin that again showed his dimple. “Why my dear Heidi, didn’t you know that the Devil never drinks alone?” He asked, filling my glass even as I still shook my head.
I knew there was metaphor or foreshadowing or something I should’ve learned in Freshman English while I was flirting with boys and texting under my desk lurking in Lucifer’s question but between my fear that Hunter would wake up thus causing the Devil to turn me into an ever-burning tiki torch, I was having a hard time focusing. I watched as the King of Hell held his glass up to the medieval candelabra above our heads before looking at me and nodding, “Great color.”
He then swirled the liquid I’d just realized looked a lot like blood around in his goblet, and added, “Great legs,” with a waggle of his eyebrows.
(Oh brother, the old man thought he had moves.)
Holding my gaze, he sniffed the wine, made an elaborate production out of tipping the glass to his lips and taking a sip before slowly swallowing and pronouncing it ‘exquisite’ with a wink. All of the sudden a drink sounded like a good idea, hell, a kegger with Sig Eps sounded great, anything to relief the tension humming through my body.
Ol’ Lucifer smiled when I grabbed my goblet and downed my wine, removing his jacket with another snap of his fingers, (I will admit to being impressed with that little trick. The snapping, not the removing his jacket. Geesh, mind outta the gutter, will ya’?) and commenting, “Luci tells me your training is going very well.”
“Yeah, I think it is.” I agreed, accepting another glass of wine, figuring a little buzz couldn’t hurt.
“That’s good. I like to hear my employees are adjusting to their new positions. I would hate for the ones who are supposed to be happy to be suffering like all the rest.” I tried to hold back a giggle as a pregnant pause hung over his last word but failed…miserably.
The resulting smile on the Devil’s face said he enjoyed my faux pas to which I took another swig of wine and asked, “Sthpeaking of Lucthi,” (Was I lisping? What the hell?) “Where is sthee?” (Yep, that’s was definitely a lisp.)
Lucifer’s smile widened as he leaned forward and answered, “She is in Limbo, training her replacement as Ruler of that realm and inviting her old friends to her wedding.”
“Oh, th-that’s right, th-that’s what Be…I mean sthee sthaid,” I lisped away, not so gracefully covering up my misstep but downing what was left of my drink while ignoring Lola’s growled, “Slow down drunky the lush, you’re gonna screw this up and get us both dead…like real dead this time.”
My glass, or maybe it was my vision, blurred as Lucifer refilled the goblet. My equilibrium was off too. I had to try twice to get my fingers around the stem, eventually I did it and by that time, even Lola was finally on board, lisp and all. “Hey th-thisth guysth not stho bad.”
Her hiccup at the end had me giggling again to which the Devil asked, “Having a good time, my dear?”
“Th-the bestht,” I grinned, followed by a hiccup of my own and a snicker.
“Good, that’s good,” he murmured. “I want to make sure you’re comfortable talking to me. Think of me as your confidant. Someone you can come to when you need advice or guidance.”
I could still hear all those bells and whistles going off in my brain. I knew I was in way over my head but for some reason the more I drank, the more I wanted. Not like the ‘No one can eat just one’ thing you get when you open the bag of Lay’s potato chips but a deep down compulsion to never stop drinking the wonderful liquid the Devil was putting before me. I heard Lola slur, “Pour me another, barkeep,” and chuckled right along with her as Lucifer asked, “And what do you think of Hunter?”
“Huh? Who? Hunter?” I stammered, failing miserably at maintaining my cool. (Yeah, so me being cool had exited the building the moment the wine came out but a girl can dream, right? And besides, who’s telling this story…you or me?)
“Yes,” he coaxed, “Hunter, Luci’s fiancée, I was sure she said you’d met him.”
“Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I met him.” I took another drink of wine as Lola cheered and I tried to remember why it was a bad idea to get drunk.
“And what did you think of him?” Lucifer asked again, reaching a
cross the table and lacing his fingers through mine. This time there were no flames, just a slow burn smoldering under the surface, warming me from the inside out, making me forget why I was supposed to be afraid of the suave, debonair main sitting across from me.
Pulling my hand from his, I relaxed against the back of my chair, crossed my legs and nodded, “He’sth a nicthe guy. A real nicthe guy.”
Finishing yet another glass of wine, I returned my goblet to the table with a loud thunk and watched Lucifer refill it realizing the bottle was still full. Laughing and hiccupping out loud, I pointed, “Hey th-that’sth a cool trick. Th-the never-empty-bottle. You sthould patent th-that sthit”
“I have all kinds of cool tricks I can show you, Heidi,” The Devil’s voice was low and grumbly. His gaze piercing and the flames in their depths hypnotic. The longer I looked, the more I felt like I was floating, which was pretty cool until my vision started to dim. Unceremoniously and definitely without a spec of grace, I threw my head back, looked up at the huge wooden contraption with about a hundred candles, that never seemed to burn down, hanging above my head. Everything seemed to be okay, out of focus and way darker than usual, but okay.
Looking back to Lucifer, I had to blink several times and finally had to close my left eye to only see one head on his wide shoulders. Slurring now along with my lisp, I asked, “Isth ittt dark in here?”
Chuckling, there was another snap of his fingers and a lit cigar appeared between his index and middle fingers to which his took a long, deep inhale then blew smoke rings over my head before answering, “No, silly girl, I drugged you.”
“You what?!” I shrieked, trying to sit up but only managing a half slump as the effects of the laced wine was reaching its full potential. “You son of a bi…”