But there are only eleven weeks until Election Day. In America, they call that the home stretch. Emotions are high. At a rally this week in Wisconsin, his home state, Paul Ryan reacted to the enthusiastic welcome by openly crying onstage. At the sight of Ryan weeping, Romney himself began crying. This made his wife, Ann Romney, burst into tears. All of this actually happened.
What is it with Republicans? House Speaker John Boehner: crier. Pundit Glenn Beck: crier. Romney and Ryan: criers. Your country is glad you love her, boys, but come on—you’re soaking America’s freedom blouse.
—August 2012
The Republican National Convention
Tampa, FL
August 2012
Day One
2:02 PM ET The Republican National Convention begins its Tuesday session with the presentation of colours, followed by the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, followed by the national anthem (performed by a “nationally recognized singer!”), followed by the invocation. Delegates actually cheer during the prayer. “Dear God, bless Mitt Romney and—” Wooooooo! Yaaaaaa! FREEEEEEE BIRD!!!!!! Some housekeeping matters ensue—and then a musical interlude by the house band, led by that G.E. Smith guy who used to be on Saturday Night Live. In the audience, an Ann Coulter lookalike dances amid a sea of white hair and white skin.
2:26 Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, gestures to two debt clocks that have been installed in the Tampa Bay Times Forum. One shows the many trillions in total national debt. The other chronicles how much debt has been accumulated since the start of the convention. Then, using simple math, Priebus demonstrates once and for all how further tax cuts for the richest Americans would result in America’s debt load being reduced. (Kidding. For some unknown reason he did not do that.)
2:28 Chairman Priebus, which sounds like a Star Wars character or a really high-end hybrid (The 2013 Chairman Priebus: Comfort With Conscience!), characterizes Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan as “America’s comeback team.” But then what are we going to call a reunited Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart?
2:29 Priebus assails Barack Obama’s lack of business experience: “He hasn’t even run a garage sale or seen the inside of a lemonade stand.” Wait—the inside of a lemonade stand? They sure must have some really elaborate lemonade stands back in Priebus’s home of Wisconsin! Big-box lemonade stands where you can go inside, stretch your legs and really get your 50 cents’ worth.
Little Boy: Uncle Reince, why aren’t more people buying my lemonade?
Uncle Reince: You don’t have enough square footage, kid. And you can trust me on this—I’ve seen the inside of a lot of lemonade stands.
2:32 RNC co-chair Sharon Day takes the stage to Holler Some Things. She hollers that “unaccountable czars”—the worst kind of czars, if you ask me—are making and enforcing policies on American citizens. She hollers that Barack Obama threatens the very existence of American liberty. She extra-hollers that this is the most important election in American history. Got that? Most. Important. Ever. SUCK IT, LINCOLN.
2:53 Factoid: When American political figures aspire to eloquence, it’s never just “the United States.” It’s always “the United States of America.” Or, better still, “The. United States. Of America.”
3:20 A Republican senatorial candidate says that he and Mitt Romney share a defining belief—that “our children are owed a better future.” Why? No one ever explains why. A decent future? I guess we should do our best. But why do we owe them a better future? If we’ve got ideas that will make things better and make everyone more prosperous, I say we do that shit NOW. Then we’ll get the benefits. It’s all there in my campaign slogan: “Children are their own future.”
3:53 The mayor of Oklahoma City comes out to say that the wife of vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan was born in Oklahoma. This follows the old adage about speech-making: always open with an anecdote that not one person on God’s earth could give a shit about. Tragically, the mayor waits until the end of his address to mention that Oklahoma City is “more walkable” than ever. YOU DO NOT BURY THAT KIND OF GOLD, BUDDY.
4:13 Listen, I’m as big a fan of hyperbole and exaggeration as anyone, but come on: The “great state” of Kentucky?
4:31 Hey, just FYI, if you’re looking for a white guy I think I saw him on the stage at the Republican National Convention.
5:02 John Boehner, the Speaker of the House, tears up as Mitt Romney is formally nominated for president of the United States. Moments later he tears up when he discovers the backstage catering table is out of Diet Sprite.
9:15 The thing I love and regret and admire and fear most about American politics is the sheer joy and utter shamelessness with which political operatives take the remarks of their opponents wholly out of context. This is true of both parties. The Republicans crafted today’s schedule around the theme of We Built It—a response to the rather disingenuous claim that Barack Obama once flatly declared that American entrepreneurs had nothing to do with their own success. When they played the audio of the president’s “damning quote” over a video segment, you could hear that the words had been cut up and shifted around. The excerpt had had more work done on it than a forty-year-old actress.
But an even bolder flight from context was put on display just now: the playing of a clip of Obama saying, “Along the road to recovery, there will be bumps in the road”—followed by a video montage in which hard-working Americans solemnly declare, “I am an American, not a bump in the road.” Yes, that’s EXACTLY what Obama meant: that Americans themselves were the bumps in the road … that the recovery would more quickly gain momentum if only there weren’t any people around to slow it down with their big fat stupid bodies. I think we’re one convention, maybe two, away from strategists on both sides just saying: “Screw it: we’re making shit up from scratch. Jeb Bush? Cannibal. Go with it.”
9:28 Rick Santorum makes an appearance to declare: “I shook the hand of the American Dream and it has a strong grip.” Wait—the American Dream has actual hands?? Does it have only hands, like a pair of Things from The Addams Family? Because if so, that’s a creepy dream. Santorum goes on to describe and mention various hands, and certain special hands, and military hands, and disabled hands, and Republican hands, and other hands that his own hands had touched. This was all meant to be profound but mostly it just made me want to give Rick Santorum some Purell. He’s like Martin Luther King except, you know, I Had a Hand.
He also said jack-all about Mitt Romney, by the way, which was weird. He didn’t even mention Romney’s hands.
10:14 Ann Romney says she wants to talk to us about the love she has for her husband and the love she has for her children. She wants to talk about her heart. This disappoints Rick Santorum, who was totally hoping: hands.
10:16 Ann goes on about how the people who really hold it all together for America are women—especially mothers. “I LOOOOOVE YOU WOMEN!” she hollers, Oprah style. “You are the best of America.” And when my husband is president, his party will call you a whore if you decline to carry your rape baby to term! LOOOOVE YOU!
10:27 “Mitt doesn’t like to talk about how he helps others, because he doesn’t do it so others will think more of him. So I’m going to tell you about how he helps others so you’ll think more of him.” I’m paraphrasing.
10:31 “Look into your hearts. This is our country. These are our children. This is our future.” These are my keys. That is your lamp. These are Rick Santorum’s hands.
10:35 New Jersey governor Chris Christie arrives at, and devours, the podium. This gives the rest of his speech a cool, echo kind of sound.
10:39 “We have become paralyzed by our desire to be loved …” Christie delivers a passionate attack against political leaders who do what is popular and not what is right (Democrats only; all Republican leaders are way deeper). He rallies the people. He raises his voice. And he concludes this passage of his speech by d
eclaring, “Tonight, we’re going to choose respect over love!” Which immediately reminds every voter in America: “Oh, yeah, I don’t love Mitt Romney. I’d forgotten that but happily this guy reminded me. Thanks, Chris Christie!”
10:48 Christie says that Democrats are focused solely on their desire to hold power. Whereas Mitt Romney will generously share power in a sort of anarcho-syndicalist commune where all decisions have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
First of all, let me just say it’s great to live in a world in which Mitt Romney has finally been humanized. They said it couldn’t be done! But thanks to the efforts of Mitt’s wife and sons, America now stands united in being reasonably sure that beneath the Republican nominee’s pragmatic, patrician exterior of space-age polymers beats the heart-like object of a man who was this week described by his oldest son as “pretty interesting.”
Now, onward to the second full day of the Republican National Convention.
7:10 PM Delegates watch a video that pays tribute to congressman Ron Paul, who attracted significant support during the presidential primaries. It features a dozen men, each older and whiter than the last, talking about how, his entire life, Ron Paul has never wavered, never changed his mind, never altered his world view, never seen anyone else’s point of view, never grown intellectually, never shared any of his gumdrops, never stopped hectoring the neighbourhood kids to get off his lawn. I may have made up a couple of those.
7:14 At the podium, Sen. Mitch (long pause) McConnell becomes the latest Republican to make the case for American exceptionalism—the notion that the United States is “special,” and don’t you dare make a crack about how that word has two meanings, buster. “We are different,” McConnell says, slowly, so very slowly, so very slowly and blandly it’s as though a tea cozy had been anthropomorphized right before our eyes. “Not because of where we were born, but because of … what we have in here.” At this point, McConnell (slowly) places his hand over his heart. Or possibly over his wallet. It’s the Republican convention, so probably over his wallet.
7:21 McConnell is still talking. At least I think that’s him talking. I definitely hear a noise like how oatmeal would sound if it had a mouth. He’s getting to his point, I think. Yep, definitely getting closer. Here it comes! He breathes deeply and says: “The only way to fail in America is to quit.” Sure, several investment banks, most Baldwins and the Chicago Cubs are just a handful of the countless entities that prove McConnell’s theory wrong, but delegates wisely choose to just applaud politely and hope he stops. He stops.
7:29 Sen. Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, addresses delegates. I’ve not heard him give a speech before so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he left his charisma in his other jacket. Paul goes on for quite a bit about how he disagrees with the Supreme Court and, to this day, still thinks Obamacare is unconstitutional. So for those of you scoring at home: on one hand there’s the view of some senator guy from Kentucky who until a few years ago was an ophthalmologist; and on the other hand there’s the opinion of the highest court in the entire country—with judges on it and everything. Let’s call it a draw.
7:47 Time for another video, this one featuring a nice interview with presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush, who were filmed sitting next to one another on a bench. There are some fond reminiscences. There are a couple of funny stories. At last, the talk turns to the current Republican nominee:
George W. Bush: There’s no doubt in our mind that Mitt Romney will be a great president.
[Awkward pause. George W. Bush turns to look at his father. And here is all that the forty-first president of the United States can muster:]
George H.W. Bush: He’s a good man.
Probably not worth printing that one on the pamphlet, Romney campaign.
8:01 It’s John McCain’s turn to speechify. He speaks of the “consequential choice” facing America in the coming election. And really, who better to offer guidance at this critical time than the man who, when faced with his own consequential choice, pounded his fist on the table and declared: “I choose the pretty lady who can see Russia from her house!”
McCain goes on to assure Republican delegates that the United States is still really popular around the world. “People don’t want less of America. They want more.” In McCain’s defence, this is probably true if he’s referring to the parts of America that make up Scarlett Johansson.
8:41 A guy from a pipeline company just opened his remarks with the words “Energy powers everything we do.” Rejected openings for his speech included “Matter is everything that has mass and volume” and “Blueberries are delicious.”
9:00 Rob Portman, a senator from Ohio, claims Mitt Romney made his money “the old-fashioned way.” Wait, Mitt Romney had sex for money? That seems like it should be a bigger story.
9:22 Just a quick thought on one of the songs that the Republican house band keeps playing between speeches. It may have seemed like a savvy decision back in the 1980s, but in hindsight I think we’d all agree that, in the end, it was a mistake to build this city on rock ’n’ roll. No one can get any sleep and the whole place smells like John Mayer’s bong water. And now the city is sinking and we’re shoulder deep in the hoopla. It just never ends.
9:31 Tim Pawlenty, former governor of Minnesota, arrives with a smile on his face, a song in his heart and roughly fourteen too many “jokes” in his mouth. “I’ll give Barack Obama credit for creating jobs—for golf caddies.” Be sure to catch Pawlenty, Portman, McConnell and Thune as they tour America this fall as the Monsters of Bland.
10:18 Susana Martinez, the governor of New Mexico, speaks of guarding the parking lot on bingo night at the Catholic Church as an eighteen-year-old—while carrying a .357 Magnum. “The gun weighed more than I did!” The crowd goes crazy! It’s funny because it’s excessive and potentially deadly!
10:27 Time for the evening’s featured performer: Paul Ryan, the Republican congressman from Wisconsin who, earlier this month, was picked by Mitt Romney to serve as his vice-presidential nominee. This is a man in such tremendous shape that his best bet in the debates would be to challenge Joe Biden to a shirtlessness contest—a strategy that will be made simpler by the fact that that’s how Biden is likely to show up anyway.
Through no fault of his own, Ryan appears almost absurdly young and eager on the massive Republican stage. I mean so young that he looks as though he’s just come from hanging around at Arnold’s and saying things like “You still got it, Fonz!” Still, it’s a big night for him, so I’m going to cut him some slack for being late in delivering my paper. Toward the end of his address, an emotional Ryan will speak of his mother’s presence in his life and declare, “My Mom is my role model.” She is likely also his ride home.
Day Three
7:03 PM On CNN, Anderson Cooper is saying that Republican operatives have promised a “carefully crafted buildup” to Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech. This remark will become worth remembering in a few hours, right around the time Clint Eastwood begins interrogating a piece of furniture.
7:13 C-SPAN reporters break some big news: the 100,000 balloons that will descend on Mitt Romney and the convention floor at the end of his speech tonight were inflated, according to an interview with a guy from the balloon company, over a period of just five hours. STOP THE PRESSES OR WHATEVER MAKES WORDS APPEAR ON THE INTERNET. The reporter wants more from his source: “How,” he asks, “do you make sure [the balloons] come down?” Balloon Guy scoffs. Balloon Guy says: “The drop will be very, very nice.” Balloon Guy says no balloons will get stuck on his watch, ho ho. This remark will become worth remembering in a few hours, right around the time the balloons get stuck on his watch.
7:49 Newt and Callista Gingrich appear on stage together to pay tribute to Ronald Reagan because apparently it’s been four minutes since someone did that. It’s an unusual moment: first, because Newt is forced to read from a script, and
you can see in the strain on his face how hard it is for him to keep from dropping some polysyllabic Newt Truths on us; and second, because it turns out Callista Gingrich speaks with the exact same amount of verve and passion as the computer voice on Star Trek.
Newt: This is the most critical election of our lifetimes! We must commit ourselves to honouring the spirit of Ronald Reagan!
Callista: The Reagan legacy is functioning within established parameters.
8:01 Craig Romney, son of Mitt Romney, delivers a brief address and in so doing proves once and for all that the apple didn’t fall far from the boring.
8:05 Jeb Bush: “This election is about the future of this nation.” Unlike most elections, which are about sandwiches and scoring chicks.
8:50 Bob White, chairman of the Romney–Ryan campaign: “For thirty years, I have been at Mitt Romney’s side when he did extraordinary things. As Mitt says, I’m his wingman.” I’m pretty sure neither of those guys knows what that word is generally accepted to mean.
9:16 Kerry Healey, who worked with Romney when he was governor of Massachusetts, rhymes off a number of impressive traits about Mitt and tells this little story: “Mitt was always a hands-on leader. When one of Boston’s tunnels collapsed, tragically killing a passenger in her car, Mitt didn’t blame others. He dove in and fixed the problem.” Wait: Mitt Romney raised the dead? That really feels like it should be a bigger part of his campaign.
9:34 A group of former Olympians takes the stage to demonstrate their support for the Republican nominee. Hundreds of kilometres to the north, in a darkened room in Washington, a grim-faced Barack Obama takes note of the fact that Mitt Romney has won the allegiance of the 2007 world champion in skeleton. Obama’s heart sinks. He knows now the election is lost.
9:37 The Olympians make their case. “America is faltering. We need strong leadership, we need new leadership and we need it now.”—Some skeet shooter.
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It Page 20