It wasn’t just that she wanted Greg, wanted his heat, his touch, his sex, but she wanted him, all of him. She wanted to be his family just as strongly, if not more, than she had when she was that teen following after him. She had never felt for another man what she felt for Greg, and that scared her. She was terrified of her emotions because if he left again, if he just vanished from her life again, she was starting to wonder if she would be able to handle it this time.
She had messed up, letting him touch her, letting him kiss her, letting him make love to her. She should have kept up her walls and he would have kept his distance, but he had broken her walls down so quickly that she hadn’t noticed until they were gone. Who was she kidding? She had probably torn those walls down herself. The moment she saw Greg those suppressed feelings started to flood back to the surface. She saw them approaching like a tidal wave and she had tried, Lord knows she had tried, to keep those feelings at bay, but she couldn’t. They were there, just waiting to push her into him and when he touched her, when she felt that incredible sense of urgency to be in his arms, she stopped fighting.
She loved him. Whether she admitted it out loud or not, she loved him and she would hurt if she lost him.
She pushed the thoughts of losing Greg out of her mind. They had the present and she couldn’t worry about the past, or even the future. They were together now, for however long that lasted, she would just stop over analyzing things and enjoy it, enjoy him.
She finished her breakfast much faster than he did. A piece of toast and a strip of turkey bacon wasn’t going to take her as long to eat as his packed plate. She may not have wanted pancakes, but he was having plenty…enough for both of them she thought.
“I’m going to go back in the bedroom—”
“Want some company?” He grinned seductively.
Her knees were already going weak thinking about what kind of company he would be. “We have things to do today,” she said in a tone that was huskier than she’d intended. He licked his lips, eyeing her from head to toe and back up again as if she were on his to-do list. There was no mistaking his gaze; he wanted her—again.
“And I do believe you have some other work to do too.”
He shook his head no. “My only concern is keeping you safe,” he let another one of those slow grins spread across his lips. “Safe and satisfied.” He winked. Oh, she was definitely satisfied. Right now she felt safe too, from everything but him that is.
“Mission accomplished.”
“Good. Now, do you want company?”
She bit her lip, thinking about Greg being company in the bedroom. Tempting, very tempting. “We’d better not,” she forced the words out of her mouth, her body immediately going into shock at the brain’s mutiny. “If we do we’ll never get out of this house and I need clothes, you need food, and whether you’re planning to see what the cops have on Levins or not, I’m curious.”
“Curious? Really?”
“Yeah. I want to know how he got in. No broken windows, no open windows, no unlocked doors. I mean how did he get into my place? Plus I’d kind of like to know if they found any blood on any of the pieces they collected. I’m sure whoever had to pull the duty of checking isn’t happy right now.”
He nodded affirmatively. “It’s a lot of work, and a long process. People watch the CSI shows and they assume things are solved in the course of an hour as easily as they see on television. It’s not done that way. There’s a lot of time consuming, painful research, testing, leg work…speaking of legs.” He looked down to her legs as if he were suddenly thinking of having them wrapped around him.
“Good Lord, man! Get your mind out of my panties.” She had never seen this side of Greg before, this overtly sexy hunter who liked satisfying his urges—and hers.
“Can I put something else there instead?” He winked and started to move toward her. She put up her hand to keep him at bay.
“You have a one track mind. Perhaps I’ll be safer waiting for you on the couch.” She realized the fallacy of that statement the minute the words were out of her mouth. She didn’t need to verbally acknowledge the devious twinkle in his eyes to know he was thinking about what they’d just done on that couch.
“Finish eating—your food,” she felt the need to clarify what he should finish eating because already he had that look as if he were ready to comply with her request by eating her. “Then we can go.” She looked at the fake pout he plastered on his face and nearly laughed. “The sooner we go and get everything done, the sooner we can come back and play.” She would have patted his leg, but that may have led to another problem. Right now he looked as if he were ready to clear the counter and take her right there in the kitchen.
A slow gleaming smile spread across his lips. “Yeah,” he said with great satisfaction. “We can play all night.”
The thought of playing with Greg all night had her near crossing her legs to halt the pulsing desire already threatening to take over. “All night,” she promised.
“Okay,” he got up, put his remaining food down the disposal. “I’m going to shower quickly and then we’ll go.”
Oh, so now he was ready to handle what they needed to handle.
“Hey,” he paused. “The malls aren’t even open yet.”
“We’ll get food first then. God knows if we stay here another hour you’re going to get me flat on my back.” They would just have to bring the food back to put it up and then go clothes shopping.
He shrugged, as if saying he didn’t mind if she were flat on her back. She had to laugh. She was trying to get him out of the house, yet everything she said seemed to come off as an invitation to sex.
They had done the usual grocery shopping, but faster. He wasn’t the type to spend forever in a store, but Clair was even more of a speed shopper. She had made a list for him before they left. Everything he said he needed she put on the list and the things she needed for her dinner she put on her own list. She raced around the store, getting dry goods and then pretty much skyrocketing over to the produce, meat and dairy sections of the store. As quickly as she moved, security was probably wondering where the fire was.
Then they reached the checkout counter and she had put one of those black plastic things between their items. He didn’t like that so he removed the black plastic thing while she was distracted, and he motioned to the clerk to scan those items as well. The clerk was almost done with her items when she noticed what had happened.
“Oh, those are mine,” she said hastily.
He nearly laughed at the impossibility of taking everything off. Surely Clair wouldn’t want to cause a delay for the already busy clerk. He only nearly laughed because he was still thinking of how she tried to keep things separate between them. She tried to separate bills like she tried to separate love. Except she had paid for his food when he was staying with her. She had also paid for his movie ticket, and while she had offered to let him pay for dinner she made sure she stipulated that he could pay for his dinner. He had paid for hers as well, but only because his hand had been quicker than hers when the waiter put the check on the table. The thought of that made him curious. She only seemed to mind about keeping finances separate if he were paying for her.
“I’ve got it,” he mumbled with some measure of irritation. Why would she not want him to pay? He had to think long and hard about that to find an answer. The answer came to him two hours later while she was in the dressing room of a New York and Company store. She didn’t want him to pay because she didn’t want to get use to having him there. She didn’t want any part of her independent nature, she’d had to develop over the years, to be compromised because if he left again she’d have to readjust quickly to the change. The less she gave, the less she’d have to try to get back.
The thought of her reasoning alone was enough to set his nerve endings to hot zone. How the hell, after everything they had shared, could she still think he was going to just walk away? Because he had walked away once. She wasn’t verbally holdin
g it over his head. She wasn’t constantly reminding him of it everyday, but subconsciously she was worried he would leave. Deep down in that brain of hers she was thinking he was going to bolt after this thing with Levins was over and she’d be left picking up the pieces alone again.
He cursed the decision he had made. He couldn’t go back to change it. He could only try to show her he wasn’t going to leave again, but right now it looked to him as if Clair, subconsciously or not, wasn’t anywhere near believing it. That thought angered him, pushed him over the edge and he felt the sudden need to remind her that he wasn’t going anywhere.
He knocked on her dressing room door. The store clerks were so busy talking to each other that they hadn’t even noticed he’d gone back to the dressing room. It’s not as if there was anybody else in the store. A weekeday, plus early morning, did not a crowded mall make.
“What’s going on?”
He put his hand on the door and pushed it open enough for his body to fit through before closing it behind him.
“Greg,” her eyes widened as if she knew what he was thinking. She clutched the white ruffled shirt to her bare breasts with one hand and held him at bay with the other.
He couldn’t be stopped. He might not be ready to have full on public sex, but he was going to remind her, right now, that he wanted her and he wasn’t walking away from her this time.
He took her outstretched hand and pulled her close to him. The movement so swift it had her falling against his chest. Next came the issue of the shirt, taking that from her he tossed it on the little bench against the back wall.
“Greg, we can’t,” she whispered with some sense of urgency.
She had tilted her head up to look at him and he took advantage of that too, covering her lips with his he tasted her sweet mouth. His tongue danced with hers as he slid one hand around her waist to her back and the other down to her behind. He squeezed her butt, pulling her closer into his growing erection. He was giving himself the hard-on of the century with no relief in sight, but somehow he didn’t care. This connection was important.
Her heals came off the ground as she put the weight on the balls of her feet, getting closer, kissing him deeper. He felt the undulating thrust of her pelvic against his body. God, he could take her right there.
The knock on the door broke his ministrations.
“Do you need anything? Are those sizes okay for you?”
“No…I’m um…I’m fine, these are perfect.” Her voice was husky and aroused as she tried to contain herself. She was near orgasm with just one kiss and that knowledge alone had him feeling some sense of accomplishment. Of course he knew they worked well together in that department. What he needed was her trust, her complete trust, not just some piece of it.
“Okay. Just remember if you need anything I’m Darla just give me a shout and I’ll bring you some new pieces.”
“Okay,” Clair held eye contact with him. He could still see the desire in her eyes, but he was probably also realizing she was glad the door went down to the floor instead of stopping halfway like some of the dressing room doors did.
He eased back just enough to give their bodies some space, just enough to see her tight nipples enticing him. He wanted to suck one of them…maybe both, but his prime directive right now was saying what was on his mind—the first thing on his mind, not the x-rated thing.
“You have to trust me,” he said.
“I do.” She looked at him as if she didn’t know where this speech was coming from. Okay, so her actions were a subconscious thing. They could work on that, he hoped.
“Completely,” he said.
“Greg, I trust you with my life. Maybe not my record of never being arrested,” she nearly laughed, but the smile faded quickly. “What’s wrong?”
“You trust me with your life?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“But not with your heart?”
Chapter Thirteen
Oh shit. They were not going to have this conversation in a dressing room while she was half naked. But he wasn’t leaving which meant he fully intended to have the conversation there.
“Greg,” she stepped back even more from him. Only after the distance was between them did she realize it wasn’t the best move. She should have gone into his arms, not away from them. “I…I don’t give that part of myself very easily. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt…able to give that part of myself.”
“That’s not what you were going to say, Clair; stop pussyfooting around and just say it.”
No, she was going to say safe. It had been a long time since she felt safe to give that part of herself. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
“It feels as if it’s me.”
She sat down on the bench, obviously oblivious to her nudity. She hung her head low. She couldn’t look at him, not when she told him what she really felt. He would probably hate her, and this, what they shared, would be over before it got started. She had messed up—again. She had ruined things—again. All those old emotions came flooding back and she fought hard not to breakdown and cry.
“I love you, Greg. I do. God knows I do, but…”
“But you can’t trust me with your heart.”
“No, that’s not what I’m trying to say. Oh I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” She started to put her own top back on. Once she had her breasts covered she tried to think of the best way to say what she needed to say. Was she worried he would leave again? Maybe. She wasn’t sure where her feeling of fear came from…no, that was a lie, she was sure.
“I’m afraid to really love anymore Greg. Everybody I love I lose. I lost Amy. I lost my parents. I lost…”
“You lost me.” He stated flatly. “I made a dumb ass mistake and I’m going to pay for it the rest of my life; is that it?”
He was angry and he had every right to be. The words may not have been spoken, but she knew the implication behind the ones that were and everything pointed to her blatant distrust of his ability to stick around. But it wasn’t just about his leaving. It was everything. She seemed to have a way of destroying lives.
She hadn’t thought about it in almost eleven years, but it’s what the therapist had said to her too. Not that the therapist had told her she destroyed lives, she had simply told her that it was natural to feel responsible for the destruction in her family, even if it wasn’t truly her fault. But it was her fault. If she hadn’t left Amy alone then Levins wouldn’t have gotten her. If she hadn’t run halfcocked to that truck then he wouldn’t have gotten her. If she had just waited for the adults to handle things then Amy would still be alive, her parents would still be together, and they would still love her. She would give anything and everything to have them love her again. Right now she just felt lost without them, without her family. Even though Greg was there that feeling of being alone didn’t completely go away.
What would she tell her children, if she ever had any because Lord knew she was afraid to bring a child into this world now? What could she tell them about why their grandparents won’t see them; why because of her stupid mistake they don’t have an aunt, their grandmother is tucked away in a mental hospital and their grandfather hates her to no end?
“I blame me,” was the only thing she could say.
He squatted before her. His hardened face slowly melting into an expression of compassion. “Clair.”
“I blame me. If I had done things differently, if I had done things right, none of it would have happened. None of it would be happening now. I destroy every life I touch on that level…that personal, love you with all my heart, level. I’m afraid I’ll destroy yours. I’m afraid you’ll hate me. And yes, I guess there is a small part of me that’s trying to mask all of that behind fear that you’ll leave me. I blame me, Greg. And it’s easier not to tell you I love you,” but she had told him she loved him. She’d told him twice now. “It’s easier than telling you and then having whatever god that’s punishing me take it out on you.”
He t
ook her hand in his. That one action, so simple, so gentle that she lost her ability to contain her tears and she started crying. Her nearly silent sobs were hard to contain. He pulled her into his arms and she buried her face in the crook of his neck, trying to muffle her sounds with his body.
“Hush, now,” he stroked a lazy line up and down her back as if he were trying to brush away her worries, her fears, her insecurities that she had buried for so long.
“Amy wasn’t your fault. Your parents falling apart is not your fault. They were the adults, you the child and they owed it to you to keep it together. I don’t know why they didn’t or why they’re not recovering, but I do know it’s not your fault; it’s theirs. You couldn’t back then, and you can’t now, control anybody’s life. Hell, sometimes we can’t even control our own.”
She pulled back just a little and he looked in her eyes. He gently used his thumbs to wipe away tears from her cheeks. “You’re not being punished, Clair. Shit happens to good people. You didn’t do anything to deserve it, and you’re not some super destroyer of lives. Your parents destroyed their own lives. Levins may have helped a little when he took you and Amy, but your parents chose to stop fighting, chose to turn inward to self hate.”
“They hate me,” she sniffled.
“No. They hate themselves for not protecting you both. They manifest that by pushing you away because looking at you reminds them of what they see as their mistake. Until they admit that their anger is with themselves they’ll always need a scapegoat.”
And she was that goat. She had been since the day it happened. Her mother didn’t talk to anybody at all. Most people would say that meant she didn’t hate Clair, but Clair knew she did. She had gone to see her once. Greg had taken her and he waited outside in the car. Her mother had been having lunch when she arrived. It was banana-chocolate pudding day and her mother had a big heaping serving of it…a serving she threw on her when she started yelling, “you killed my baby.” She hadn’t told Greg what happened in there, just that things hadn’t gone well and she had been asked not to come back. Actually, she had been told not to come back. The doctors didn’t think it would be good for her mother if she had to see her again.
Dangerous Obsessions Page 15