by Lisa Olsen
“Who says I dislike churches?”
“You just did. You said you weren’t interested if I got married in a church and before, that night we went for a walk you couldn’t get out of that church fast enough. It was like you were afraid you’d turn to dust if you stayed in there longer than five minutes,” I laughed.
“It’s not churches entirely…” he hedged, draining the rest of his beer. Parker poured himself another and refreshed my soda. “It’s more a certain type of people inside them.”
“You don’t like religion?”
“I have nothing against it in principle. Hey, if people take comfort from that stuff, more power to them. It’s… I had a bad experience, that’s all.”
“What? Did a priest tell you to mend your wicked ways or you were gonna burn in Hell? I can practically guarantee that’s not gonna happen.” I spoke out of instinct. While Parker was a little self serving at times, I could tell by the quality of his soul he was a good person at heart, and that was what counted. At least I think it was. I was a little fuzzy on the actual rules for getting into Heaven.
“No, not a priest,” he took another deep drink and I thought that was all the answer I was gonna get. But then he set his beer down, looking deep into the foamy depths as he opened up to me. “I don’t think I ever told you much about my family, did I?”
“No, I… don’t think you’ve ever mentioned them before actually.” Or maybe he had and I didn’t remember them. “Were they very religious?”
“No, not really, not at first. My dad died when I was little, and it was just my mom and me for a long time.” A faint smile curved his lips when he mentioned his mother. “She had the whole strict parent thing going sometimes, I had chores and a bedtime and it wasn’t like she let me eat candy for breakfast or anything, but we had fun together. We were close. She didn’t have a whole lot of friends after we moved, and we did everything together. I know that’s probably hard for you to believe, me being a mama’s boy, but there it is.” He gave a self deprecating smile. Actually I could picture him being sweet to his mother, he had that tender side to him even though he liked to bury it.
“I sense a ‘but’ coming.”
“But, she met this guy, and he was a total holy roller or whatever you want to call it. He was deeply, crazily religious and she bought into it hook, line and sinker. It changed her, took over her whole life. Saved her. He convinced her I was filled with sin that had to be purged from my body to save my immortal soul. All kinds of crap like that, you can imagine I’m sure. And me being, well… me, I didn’t really toe the line with the new dictatorship. Things were less than harmonious for a while, and then she married him and disowned me.”
“Your mom disowned you?” I gasped. “How could she pick him over you?” And I thought my relationships with my mom and dad were flawed… we looked like the Brady Bunch compared to his family.
“I’m glossing over a lot,” he waved my objection away. “I was no angel to live with. You know me, tell me I can’t do something and that just makes me itch to try it. But I lit out of there when I was sixteen and didn’t look back.”
That explained a lot. “So, you haven’t seen your family since you were sixteen years old?”
“Yeah, pretty much. I stayed in touch with my aunt Nancy when my mom wouldn’t take my calls, but I didn’t go back for holidays or family reunions or any of that shit.”
“That must have been rough.” Though in a way I’d done the same thing with my father, I had no idea where he was or even if he was still alive; though I imagined someone would let me know if he actually died at some point.
“Eh, it is what it is,” he shrugged. “I tried to go and visit her when she got sick, tried to move her to a better facility… she wouldn’t even see me. She didn’t want any of my ill gotten gains,” Parker smiled bitterly.
“What happened to her?”
“Bone cancer, it took her a few years ago. You know those assholes actually barred me from the memorial service? I visited her grave later but… to be honest, I didn’t feel anything. Does that make me a fucking monster? I don’t feel anything when my own mother dies?”
I could see he didn’t feel nothing about losing his mom. In fact, he looked like it still troubled him deeply to have lost her years and years ago, not just when she died, and I reached out to cover his hand with my own. “No, I don’t think you’re a monster. I think you tried to deal with the hand you were dealt the best you could. I’m sorry you lost her like that, but you know, not all religions are like that.”
Parker pulled his hand from mine with a roll of the eyes. “Oh God, not you too? Since when did you become a bible thumper?”
“I’m not, I’m just saying, you can’t throw the baby out with the bath water. At the end of the day churches are made up out of people. There are good and bad ones, if you don’t find one you like, it doesn’t mean you have to give up on religion entirely.”
“I don’t even know if God exists… and He for sure as hell hasn’t given a damn about me.”
“Oh He exists alright, you can trust me on that one,” I muttered.
“I never took you for the church going type.”
“I’m not really. I haven’t been to one regularly in years and years.” And I wasn’t likely to after what happened at the last one. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. That’s all I’m saying, don’t let the bullshit rules someone made up about their church keep you from having faith.”
“I have faith in the things I can count on, which are few and far between these days,” he replied with a wry twist of the lips.
“Fair enough,” I nodded. Far be it from me to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t believe. “And that officially ends the sermonizing for the night,” I smiled, changing the subject. “Do you want me to come back there and give you a break?” He looked like he could use a moment to get his head back in the game. Not that I didn’t like this Parker who opened up to me, but I knew it made him uncomfortable to be seen as human in front of others and it would start to get busy soon.
“Yeah, alright. I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me.” Parker tossed me his apron and I handed over my purse for him to put in the office as I took his place behind the bar. Of course, it was still slow as molasses, and besides trading a few pleasantries with Jilly there wasn’t much to do, so I busied myself taking a quick inventory of stock. Parker emerged about a half hour later, looking more like his old self.
“Hey, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Did you make plans with Sharona?” I called out, surprised when he hesitated a fraction before answering.
“Ah right, yeah… that’s over.”
Shit. And there I was trying to bring things to a lighter mood. “What? When did that happen?” The last I remembered hearing they were going strong and he was ridiculously happy with her in a deluded sort of way.
“A few days ago,” he shrugged like it was no big deal, but I knew better. She’d managed to worm her way underneath his armor and he was hastily trying to cobble it back together again.
“I had no idea Parker, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah well, I wasn’t exactly advertising it.”
“What happened? I thought you said she was the one.”
“Eh, you called it. She was a gold digging bitch, straight up,” he shrugged and I decided not to push for more details. “So, let me know when I can expect to take a crack at those bridesmaids,” he gave me a lopsided grin, rapping on the bar before he went to give the DJ a break in the booth. Business picked up and I didn’t have much time to dwell on relationships or family, or much of anything except for keeping up. After spelling Chris, Parker came back to help me behind the bar until the worst of the rush was over and he disappeared back into his office again.
Jilly came behind the bar when it slowed down to give me a break, and I stepped outside to sit in the alley for a few minutes. I know I wasn’t supposed to go back out there by myself after nearly being killed in the same alley, but honestly, I w
asn’t afraid of the local crime element anymore. Besides, it was deserted out there, and the cold air felt good after being so overheated inside.
When the back door opened again, I braced myself for the lecture I knew was coming, no matter who it opened it. Parker, Jilly, Walter; I expected to get scolded like a little girl by any of them. Instead I looked up, surprised as hell to see Ben standing there.
“You shouldn’t be out here by yourself, you know,” he said, predictably.
“What are you doing here?” I probably could have been a little more polite, but my astonishment overwhelmed my normal thought process. Days of no contact and he picked then to show up?
“Parker called me.”
“Parker called you.” Were they bosom buddies now?
A flush of color stole up the side of his neck. “Yeah, he said you could use the rest of the night off and that I should give you a break and we should talk. Only he used a little more profanity.”
“I’ll bet.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, what was Parker trying to accomplish exactly? Still, I was grateful for the chance to finally connect with Ben and clear the air. Only… what kind of expectation had Parker set with him? Did he tell Ben I was pining over him? What had he said to motivate Ben to break the silence and come to see me? “So, um… yeah.” Now that I had him there, I had no idea what to say to him. I didn’t want to blurt out I was seeing Adam, and I had no idea where things actually stood between us.
“You know, I’m glad he called because I’ve been meaning to talk to you, things have been crazy at work and…”
“For me too, it’s been a weird month so far,” I nodded.
“Actually, that’s a lie. Work was busy, but that isn’t why I was avoiding you.”
“It’s not?” Here it came…
But instead of following up with the reason, he looked around the alley uncomfortably. “Maybe we can go somewhere more private and talk? Can I give you a ride home?”
We were completely alone, but I could see where he was coming from. “Well, I still have half a shift left.”
“I don’t think that’s a problem. Parker more or less indicated it was more important to get this sorted out between us. But if you’d rather do it some other time…”
“No, I think we should definitely have that talk tonight, but hold on a sec. Let me go talk to Parker, make sure it’s okay with him.” I had a few words of my own for my boss.
“Sure, I’ll be inside by the door.” Ben held the door open for me to go in first, not wanting to leave me alone in the alley, and I gave him a tentative smile as I passed by on the way to Parker’s office. Without bothering to knock, I burst into his office and he looked up, not at all surprised to see me.
“Parker… What the hell, why did you call Ben to come down here? I told you I was basically broken up with him,” I demanded, but he looked unperturbed by my outburst.
“Because regardless of whatever fight you’re having right now, the two of you were good together and I could see he made you happy.”
He could have knocked me over with a feather, that was the last thing I’d expected him to say. “I told you, I’m into someone else.”
“Someone who isn’t here for you. You don’t need that, you need a guy who’s crazy about you. You need a guy who’s dependable and isn’t going to break your heart.”
“Ben can’t break my heart because I never fully gave it to him. Parker… Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but you’re way off base about Ben and me.”
“I know, I stuck my nose in, but I figured worst case scenario, you two can clear the air between you and move on. I could see how much it bummed you out not to have that closure.”
Closure? “Since when did you get to be so intuitive? I could have sworn the only thing you were paying attention to was my cleavage,” I teased.
“Well, that goes without saying,” he gave me a wolfish grin, “but I pay attention.”
“And it’s really okay if I go home early? You said before…”
“I know what I said, but it’s slow enough that Jilly can handle the bar for a while and I’ll be back out there soon. You go ahead and get your shit together and be back in bright and early tomorrow ready to work.”
I waited for some other sarcastic remark to come out of him, but he looked to be in earnest. Coming around the desk, I bent down to wrap my arms around his neck. “I don’t care what anyone says about you, Parker. You’re not a heartless bastard at all,” I laughed, hugging him tight. After a moment’s hesitation, I felt him hug me back.
“Don’t spread it around, I’ll deny it.”
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, boss.” I dropped a quick kiss on his cheek as I pulled away, untying my apron and tossing it into the hamper. “Wish me luck.”
“You won’t need it, kiddo. Now get out of here, I’ve got work to do.”
“Yes, sir.” I gave him a mock salute, grabbing my purse on the way out. After a quick word to Jilly, I found Ben waiting by the entrance. I was half convinced he’d lose his nerve and take off by the time I got back to him.
“All set?” he smiled.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
Chapter Twenty
The car ride home was awkward, I’m not gonna lie. Neither one of us said much, listening to the radio until we got there and I led the way up to my apartment. “Hold on a sec, I want to make sure we have some privacy.” I stopped him at the front door.
“Oh, Sam is still staying here, right?”
“Yeah, right,” I nodded with a tight smile. I didn’t think he was ready to see Nelo again quite so soon. “I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.” Ducking inside, I switched on the lights in the darkened apartment. “Nelo?”
“Yes, Mistress?” His voice came from the bathroom.
“Hey, I have company so try and make yourself scarce,” I whispered through the closed door.
“You wish me to hide?”
“Not hide exactly. It’s Ben though, and you know how he gets.”
“Oh.” There was silence for a moment. “I understand. I will keep to the shadows.”
“Great, thanks. Have you seen Sam around?”
“He is with Miss Daphne at the season’s most hilarious comedy and best feel good movie of the year. They will laugh and cry,” Nelo reported, and I could imagine Sam going on about it. I was pretty sure what movie they were at, and I wondered if things between them had graduated into an official date, or if it was still a ‘friends’ thing. Either way, the coast was clear. Idly I wondered what Nelo was doing in the bathroom, but decided I was better off not knowing. Mimsy was safe, asleep on the end of my bed, so whatever it was, he couldn’t be getting into too much trouble. Could he?
Returning to Ben in the hallway, I opened the door and invited him in. “We should have plenty of privacy here, Sam’s out with Daphne tonight.”
His brows came up in surprise over that. “Oh, I didn’t realize they were a couple.”
“Well, they’re taking things slow.” I flipped my hand back and forth. “Come on in and have a seat. Can I get you something to drink? Some coffee?”
“No, thanks. Mercy…” Ben took my hands when I would have turned away to put the pot on for myself and I guess I couldn’t blame him. I tended to try and fill the space by focusing on busywork, and we did need to talk. “I want to start off by apologizing.”
“You’re apologizing to me?” I blinked, not expecting him to say that at all.
“Yes, I am. I was way out of line the last time I was here. Here you were, all upset and alone after going through some pretty horrific things, and all I did was jump down your throat. Do you think you can ever forgive me?”
“I…” It didn’t happen to me very often, but I was at a complete loss for words. Usually something smart alecky came to mind, but I had nothing.
“It’s okay if you need some time, but I wanted you to know I’m here for you if you’ll still have me, and I’m sorry I screwed thin
gs up.”
“Ben…” Christ, could I feel any guiltier? He was being so nice, how could I break it to him that I’d essentially already moved on? “It wasn’t all your fault,” I finally added lamely. “I could have been more open with you from the start. In fact, there are more things you should know. Things I should have been honest about with you for a long time.”
“Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter.” He gave my hands a squeeze. “I’ve missed you so much these past few days, and to be honest, I was looking for a way to work up the courage to come and beg you to take me back before Parker called.”
Oh no… “Ben, we should sit down for a minute and…”
“I should have told you this a long time ago…”
“…there are things you don’t know about my time in Midian and…”
“I love you.”
Oh God…
“I was afraid if I said it I’d scare you away, but I’ve got nothing to lose now, right?” he gave me a lopsided smile and I felt so horribly guilty, it was paralyzing.
“Ben…I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you love me too and we’ll put all this where it belongs, in the past.”
How did I respond to that and not absolutely crush his spirit? “Ben, come and sit down with me.” I needed a few seconds to regroup as I led him to the sofa. “I think… I think we need to take a step back here for a moment and acknowledge we have some real problems. We can’t slap a band aid on them and hope they go away.”
“I remember the very first time I saw you, lying in the hospital bed and I thought… you were so beautiful. Even amid all that sickness and death you shone like a star in the darkness, and I knew I had to get to know you.”
My brows drew together at the segue. “Okay, that was… random. I’m not saying we didn’t have something real, we did, but something happened along the way. We grew farther and farther apart, and I’m not convinced we ever really belonged together to start with.”
“How can you say that?” he frowned, picking up my hand again. “We had some great times together. The best times in my life were spent with you. What about the time we went to the park together and fed the ducks? You love ducks.”