I take a moment because I don't know what to say. This is unexpected. I thought we would do some flirting and get off the phone, not have a serious conversation.
Finally, I stammer through, "Ryder, you mean so much to me. You saved me when I was at my lowest. I want to see what we can make of us. I won't lie, I am scared, but I trust you with my insecurities. I trust you with every part of me. My body craves your touch, Ryder. My mind craves your conversation, and my heart craves your safety. I trust you, Ryder, to help restore me."
I hear a voice in the background. Ryder is quiet for a moment, I assume listening to the other person. He comes back to the phone. "Baby, you’ve just made the whole situation here so much better. I’d love nothing more than to tell you exactly how I’d wash every inch of your body, but I have to go. The situation here needs my attention. I’ll call you tomorrow. And as soon as I get back home, we’ll get together. We’ll make this work, baby. Goodnight, my Sunshine." Before I can respond, he is gone.
I don't know what to think. I got myself worked up and I’m filled with sexual frustration, to the point where I just want this man to take me and have his way with me. I’m filled with an undeniable happiness that I mean something to him and that he wants to see where this can lead as much as I do. I wish he were here. I’d show him in ways I can't put into words just how much I want to be with him. He left me so abruptly, I’m feeling empty.
Ryder
I’ve spent my days joining Valerie for her many different counseling sessions at rehab. Apparently, she has a lot of insecurities and issues that began before I came along, but she still ties everything to me and the pain I’ve caused her. She’s beginning to understand I never wanted a real long term relationship. She is learning to deal with rejection in a positive manner. That is why they’ve asked me to join her in so many sessions. She needs to face life’s rejection head on without the drugs to help her forget the feeling. Valerie has more skeletons in her closet. She’s got to fight to get out of the dark place they’ve drug her into, but with each passing day she seems to be getting stronger.
I’m on the phone with Dina when Vanessa knocks on my door telling me Valerie’s counselor wants to see all of us again. Well, the sooner I get done with my part in this mess, the sooner I can get home and have that bath with Dina. I quickly shower to have a moment to collect myself after allowing my mind to picture Dina covered in bubbles, before heading over to the rehab facility.
Chapter Seven
Friends
Dina
It’s been three days since I’ve actually talked with Ryder. We have sent texts back and forth but can never seem to get our timing right to chat. As each day passes, my curiosity eats at me. I know he’s away and in a different time zone, as that has contributed to our inability to have time to catch up. What I don’t know is where he is, or why he’s away.
Maggie asks me to come to Ryder’s garage to finish up a seating chart for an upcoming charity event we’ve been hired to plan. When I arrive, I understand why she’s called me to come here rather than work at the office. With Ryder away, Brayden can’t keep up with the phones, finding parts and doing mechanics.
Taking in the chaos of the shop, I head straight for Ryder’s desk, telling Maggie, “We’ll handle the seating chart later. Your boy needs help and now. I’ll order the parts on this list; you answer the phones as best you can until I finish. Later today, you can go pick up the parts and stop by my house and grab another outfit for me so I can get under a hood and help Bray.”
She hugs me tightly. “Thanks so much Dina, I’m glad you know what he needs, I’m in way over my head in here. I’m also glad my bestie likes my boyfriend.”
I walk into Ryder’s office which has enough old Chilton Car Repair Manuals to fill two huge book shelves on the back wall. Papers, and small parts litter his desk. His laptop sits in his chair closed. Clearing a spot out of the clutter of his desk, I move the computer so I can sit down and turn it on. As it loads, I find that he has a picture of me and Maggie as his screen saver. Being in his space like this draws me more into his world. It also makes me more aware; I really miss Ryder. I also realize this is his business, and Brayden seems overwhelmed. Does he know how much Brayden really needs his help right now? Has Brayden told him how busy things are? With that thought, I send Ryder a quick text.
Hope all is well where u r. Maggie & I r spending the day at ur shop 2 help out B. We all miss u.
I can’t help the bitter feeling rising up because I don’t know where he is or what he is doing. We’re supposed to be building something here, but already there are secrets. I throw myself into work so I can distract my negative thoughts.
As we’re closing the shop, Brayden hugs me. “Thanks for all the help, D. I don’t know how much longer Valerie needs Ryder where they are. Therefore, I’m not sure how long I’m on my own here. The help today is appreciated more than you know.”
Ryder is off with Valerie, while I’m here alone. What the hell?! I guess the hurt and anger are evident on my face because Maggie quickly adds, “It’s not what it sounds like Dina. Ryder is a good guy and he really cares about you. Valerie needs his help right now.”
Feeling like everything is closing in on me, I leave. I’ve got to get home, escape everything. Everyone seems to know what Ryder is doing, but me. I’m the one left alone, and yes, now I’m angry and bitter. Whatever his deal is with Valerie, he didn’t have to drag me into it.
I’ve already allowed myself to fall for the idea of Ryder and me as a couple. I guess, all along, it was just that, an idea. He has too much tied up with Valerie for me to fit in anywhere.
This is all just his pity for poor, abused Dina, who couldn’t get herself out of a bad situation. He probably likes the idea of fixing broken Dina and not really being in a committed relationship with me. I can’t help but let the tears fall as I’m unable to hold back my emotions.
I wish my dad were here to help me understand the male brain. My phone rings, the screen shows it’s Ryder. I pause, do I answer it? Don’t I answer it? Do I really want to talk to him while I’m hurting? Do I really want him to know what I’m thinking and feeling right this minute? I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to him now knowing he is off with Valerie.
Ryder
Texting is not enough. I need to hear her voice. The phone rings five times, then voicemail. At this point, I don’t care if she thinks I’m crazy, I’ll keep calling until she picks up. I need to talk to her, I need to tell her everything that is going on. Screw it; I call again, three rings and she finally answers.
Her voice comes through in an unfamiliar, distant tone, “Hello, Ryder.” She sounds hurt almost, or disappointed, I don’t know which. She has never sounded this way with me.
“Hey Sunshine, I miss you. Thanks for helping Brayden at the shop.”
I have so much tension and nervous energy running through me. Will she understand? I need to get it all out and tell her why I’ve been away.
In a voice cold as ice, “Ryder, I’m happy to help any friend who needs me.” The emphasis she puts on the word friend alarms me.
Friend…friend…oh no Sunshine, we are far more than friends. I’ll make sure you know that as soon as I get my ass back home. I plan to have you writhing under my body begging me for your release and screaming out my name. No Sunshine, we’re not friends, we’re soon to be lovers. She must know better than that, right? She has to be referring to Brayden, yes that’s it.
“Look, Dina, if you have some time to talk I’d like an opportunity to explain what’s going on.”
Before I can say another word, she interrupts. “Oh so now you decide to tell me. What? Did Brayden tell you he slipped up and I know you’re off with Valerie?”
Shit, I knew I should have told her already. “No, Dina, I haven’t spoken with Brayden in two days. I need to get this off my chest and tell you the whole situation that’s pulled me away.”
She sighs in a twist of relief and frustration. It’s like
she needs to hear this as much as I need to tell her.
“So much of me has changed since meeting you. I have a past, one that I am not proud of and Valerie is part it. Right now, I’m in Colorado with Vanessa, Valerie’s twin sister, to help Val get through drug rehab.” I take a breath letting the information settle with her.
“You know that Brayden and I became friends in college. Brayden and Valerie were friends long before that, which is how I met her. I used to be a real ass who only cared about getting laid. I wanted a different girl every day. Brayden and I were at a party a few years back when Valerie approached me. I turned on the charm, told her all the things she wanted to hear. I even boldly lied saying I wanted to have a serious relationship, settle down, anything to get in her panties. She told me she was a virgin, even that didn’t stop me. We hooked up and I planned to never talk to her again. I even told her so afterward, when I got up and left her lying naked in her own bed, the evidence of her lost virginity on the sheets. The next week, she tried to call me, even came to my house; I just blew her off. At that time my mentality was, on to the next. She kept coming around though, so on and off I would hook up with her just because it was an easy, guaranteed piece of ass.” My mind wonders what Dina is thinking of me now.
“Dina, I never dated her and other than that first night, I never again, led her on about a future. I thought she had come to terms with it. I thought she knew we were just an easy hook up, friends with benefits as they say. The night we walked in on Michael attacking you; seeing the hurt in your eyes, the pain deep inside you, it made something in me snap. I didn’t want to ever see that look from any woman. Valerie was with me that night when we found you on the ground, with Michael kicking you. She didn’t care what he did to you, she just wanted me; while I wanted nothing more than to kill Michael with my bare hands for hurting you. She left while I beat the shit out of the bastard. I called her the next morning and told her I couldn’t do this anymore. I made sure to apologize for disrespecting her, her body, and for using her. I told her there was no future between us, but I wished her nothing but happiness and real love. Since then, I haven’t hooked up with her. I only see her when she randomly happens to be somewhere I am. I’ve tried to be a friend, giving her a ride home when she was too drunk or whatever. Apparently, though, she didn’t handle my rejection well, and has been doing drugs heavily, since that day almost three years ago.”
I take a moment to breathe before continuing, “She tried to commit suicide after the night of the cage fight because of me. I told her there was no room for her in my life. I made the mistake of telling her my feelings for you. I told her that I was waiting for you no matter how long it took. She went home to her sister’s house and cut her wrists in front of Vanessa’s two young children. Vanessa called me because all Val would say is, ‘this is for Ryder to be happy.’”
I wonder what she thinks of me now, but I decide to continue on. “We took Valerie to the hospital where they found drugs in her system. Vanessa asked me to help by getting Val into rehab. I agreed to help; however, Valerie only agreed to go if I would stay in a hotel nearby and be at her counseling sessions when permitted. I’m only here to hopefully help heal the wounds I created.”
I pause trying to gauge her reaction. I get nothing but the sound of her softly crying. “I’m sorry, Dina. I should’ve told you sooner. I honestly didn’t want you to know that side of me.”
I sigh for a moment. Before I can start back, she speaks, “I just…I…I don’t know what to think, Ryder.”
As I begin to speak again, she beats me to it as she continues. “No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. From the moment I met you, Ryder, you’ve taken my breath away. We have always had this strong connection between us. I have never felt so drawn to someone so instantly. I can understand how Valerie finds it hard to walk away because I, too, can’t resist you. My heart hurts for her inner pain, but really, attempted suicide and drugs are a big cry for help. She has issues, Ryder, bigger ones that go far beyond the heartbreak of losing her innocence to a player.”
I breathe for a moment, thinking, ‘okay, maybe this is going to be okay.’ Then she begins, “My issue, Ryder, is your lack of trust in me to communicate what’s going on. We can’t have anything worth having if we don’t have trust and communication.”
She’s right. I manage to stammer, “I know, Dina, and I’m sorry. I’ve waited so long for you to say more than hello to me. I was afraid of what you would think and that you’d never speak to me again.”
She sighs deeply, “Ryder, I can’t get enough of you, but I do need some time to digest all of this. You also need some time to handle things there without the distraction of me. Do what you need to do in order to help Valerie, and we can talk about things when you get home.”
Not know what more to say, I answer with a simple, “okay.” With that, she hangs up before I can say anything more.
I’ve never shared my feelings with anyone like this before. I feel raw and vulnerable, but it was necessary. Never have I felt this before; never have I wanted a relationship long term. Never has anyone accepted me as I am, screw ups and all. Until Dina, I was the man that only complimented a woman when I knew it would get me something in return. I would laugh and joke with my boys and tell them all my rendezvous. If my boys wanted sloppy seconds, I’d happily share with them, even letting them know what the chick liked. With the random chicks, I didn’t care who they hooked up with before me or after me. With Dina, my instinct screams, ‘there will be no one after me!’ This is it, my partner for life, my lover, my world, and my everything. I don’t want a high five or fist pound from my boys; where Dina is concerned, I just want her by my side, with me, to ride life out.
Chapter Eight
Distractions
Dina
Two days after my long talk with Ryder, I still don’t know how I feel. What I do know is I trust Ryder not to hurt me. I know he has serious feelings for me and I’ve impacted him just as he saved me. And as hard as it is to admit, I’m head over heels in love with Ryder Cole Davenport. I love him like I’ve never loved or trusted anyone else. He is the half that makes me feel whole. He is where I feel safe, where I feel at home, and where I feel I’m meant to be.
I arrive at the office to an extremely frazzled Maggie. Her office is torn apart, the contents of her purse dumped out on the desk, and she’s red in the face in frustration.
“Maggie, what’s wrong?”
“I need to order the linens and place cards for the humane society auction. I can’t find my company credit card anywhere and I mean anywhere!”
I know Maggie and I know how she feels about disorganization, everything has a place with her and she puts everything back where she gets it from. This is driving her absolutely crazy to not find something.
I’ve lost cards before and I don’t think much of it and hand her another card to use. I decide I’ll wait to cancel the card to see if she finds it. After all, this is Maggie; she’s never lost one before and I’m sure it will turn up.
“Use the Amex, get this done. The card will turn up, no worries.”
Maggie lets out a frustrated sigh of defeat and goes to work ordering what she needs for the charity event. A little while later, when she comes into my office, my first thought is she found the card or she has work needs.
I’m surprised when she begins to cry. “Dina, I think Brayden is cheating on me. I don’t know what to do.” She drops her head in her hands, her shoulders rising and falling as the sobs overtake her.
I don’t know what to say. Brayden and Maggie have been together four years and he still can’t get enough of her. They rarely argue. He looks at her with eyes that are full of love and passion. There is no way he’s cheating. I just can’t believe that.
“Maggie, what makes you think he’s cheating?”
She chokes on a sob. “He was gone all night last night saying he had to work. I went by the shop around nine and he wasn’t there. I called and he wouldn’t an
swer. He hasn’t been interested in alone time with me in months. Suddenly, sex almost seems like a chore for him. I just don’t know where it all went wrong.”
I’m left stunned in silence, before I realize things may not be what they seem. “Maggie, he works all day nonstop, he was probably gone for coffee and dinner when you went by. As for the last few months, Ryder’s business has been crazy busy. The man is probably tired by the time he gets in. Maggie, I think you’re feeling disconnected because he’s been so tired. Once Ryder gets back I’m sure things will get back on track for you and Bray.”
She instantly smiles, “I’m such a mess sometimes, and you’re right Dina. He’s given me no reason not to trust him. I’m just being needy. Thanks for making me feel better.”
I’ve never seen Maggie insecure before, in anything. She always exudes confidence, it’s like she has it running out of her pores. I know Brayden loves her so I don’t understand her sudden self-doubt in their relationship. There is so much going on around both of us, maybe that’s what it is.
Ryder
Valerie seems to be handling things much better. During her last counseling session, the doctor told me this wasn’t my fault, and to try to be at ease with the situation. We were able to clear the air about my mistakes and the effect they had on her. She’s on the road to facing her own demons and moving beyond laying the blame.
Love and Repair Series Box Set Page 8