by Ally Sky
This is the main reason why my daughter didn't see her Bieber, because I'm anxious and cowardly.
"Maybe she'll see him the next time he comes to the area." He shrugs his shoulders indifferently, as if this is another minor matter.
"We'll talk about it when the moment comes." If Colin wants to sit in the stadium and listen to Bieber for a few hours, good luck to him.
"Did you talk to your mom?" He changes the subject quickly, and the temperature in the car drops by a few degrees.
"I saw her yesterday. I don't know how to help her." My mom is withering away in front of my eyes day by day. "My father is still sitting in the car in front of her house."
"You know how to help her," he answers calmly.
"I can't forgive him," I shake my head.
"Lizzie, are you sure you can't do it for her?"
"You don't even know if that's what she wants," I defend myself. "You didn't see her."
"Actually . . ."
The muscles in my body are immediately on alert..
"Colin," my voice is sharp, "when did you meet my mom?"
There is no chance that they met at the grocery store or on the street. Unless . . .
"I worry about her, too." He doesn't take his eyes off the road. Luckily. If he sneaks a look at me, he will encounter my very unhappy face. "So I went to visit her."
"Great," I say loudly. "You had to get involved?"
"I've been involved from the start, and the situation has to be resolved."
"You don't have to solve anything, it's not your problem."
"Your mom was always good to me, I won't sit aside and watch her suffer."
"Do you think that's what I'm doing?" I'm offended.
"Do you know how I felt when I got the phone call from the hospital?" His voice goes harsh. "The doctor told me that my father didn't want them to call. I didn't even know he was hospitalized."
"You were in L.A?" I carefully inquire.
"Yes, at work," he nods. "The doctor didn't beat around the bush. She told me that my father couldn't get onto the transplant list because of his drinking and that, in fact, she didn't think he had the time to wait. She said she knew her request was great, but the bottom line was that my father was going to die and that his life was more or less in my hands."
"Did you hesitate?" I whisper.
"Not for a moment," he answers steadily. "I'm willing to live with a lot of things but I didn't want his death on my conscience. I wasn't tested for him, I was tested for me."
"My father isn't going to die, Colin, nor is my mom." The gap between the situations is great.
"Can you tell me your conscience is clear?" He glances at me before returning his eyes to the road.
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"He made a mistake trying to protect you. What would you do if Viv was in danger?"
His question freezes my blood. Why would anyone want to hurt my daughter?
"You're crossing the line, don't involve Vivian."
"Your father thought he was protecting you, don't you see that?"
"No," I cross my arms, "I don't see it that way."
"In his mind, if he didn't pay, they would chase me and come after you and maybe after Viv too, once she was born." His loathing of the two scums that threatened him is evident in his voice, "you were an easy way to blackmail me."
"He should have payed them without forcing you to leave," I raise my voice and immediately regret it, not wanting to wake Viv.
"I can’t argue with that," his voice falters, as if trying to calm the storm in the car a little. "But you know his past, and I can't put myself in his shoes."
"Do me a favor," I blow out hard, "understand that it was not because of his past, it was all because he couldn't see you were a good man."
"Elizabeth," he reaches toward me and strokes my forearm, "I can't put myself in his shoes. I wasn't in your garage the day your father had to cut the rope and get Morgan off the beam."
"You weren't to blame for what happened, and he wouldn't see it." Tears well up in my eyes.
"Jesus Christ," he puts his hand back to the wheel. "Give the man a break. Do you know what I would do if someone put a finger on Viv?"
"You'll wake her up," I immediately dismiss him.
"Do you understand what he's been through?" He shakes his head in frustration, "Can you imagine it, to find out that a bunch of boys abused his child for months behind his back, drowned him in the toilet, tied him naked to a stand, do I have to go on? He didn't think clearly because he couldn't."
"You and your infinite compassion," I reply scornfully. "Is that what you told my mom, that my father didn't think clearly?"
"I told her that both of them repressed something that had to be talked about for too long. The fact that they moved to another city and hid Morgan's pictures didn't hide his existence or his death."
"And how did it work for you?" I clasp my hands. "Did she forgive him?"
"She won't forgive him until you do. Do you think she wants to be alone?"
"He should of thought about it, before he removed you from my life."
"I'm asking you to do something before it's too late." He pauses.
"What are you hiding?" I sit up in my chair.
"Show a little compassion." He dodges, but it won't work for him. He'll talk, and he'll talk now.
"Colin Young, open your mouth before you get into serious trouble." I lock my jaw and notice the deliberation on his face, aware of his deep breathing.
"Do you remember being seven and your father being sick?" He gives me another look, his eyes dark.
"Did I tell you about that?" I scrunch my forehead. I don't think I ever mentioned it. People are sick sometimes, it's not a big deal.
"Your mom told me," he looks back at the road.
"That my father was sick?"
"That's what they told you." He hesitates a bit. "He didn't lay in a hospital with pneumonia, love, he tried to commit suicide." His hand reaches my thigh, as if to keep me from collapsing.
"My father didn't . . ." The words don't crystallize into a sentence. The blood is running out of my face, and I can't take my eyes off Colin. He wouldn't lie to me.
"He blamed himself for Morgan and couldn't live with it. I beg you, for your mom's sake and for our family, don't let him go through that again, don't let him carry more guilt on his back."
"My father was a happy man," I whisper in confusion. "He always supported us, it's a mistake . . . he's didn't . . ."
"He was a broken man. I couldn't understand him before, but now I know," his voice cracks. "If something happened to you or Vivian…"
"Stop the car." The words spill out of me.
"Lizzie."
"Stop the car!" I have to throw up. I need to talk to my mom. What if my father tries again?
"There's a gas station a few miles, we'll stop there." He presses his fingers against my thigh.
"You should have told me," I turn my head from him to the window. "My mom should have told me. You're all treating me like a little girl."
"I love you," he whispers apologetically.
"I'm sure," I reply scornfully, "you all love me, and your love is suffocating, your love is causing me so much pain."
Their constant attempts to protect me are becoming unbearable, and it's time for them to stop and treat me with respect.
I get out of the car while Colin fills the gas tank, pacing nervously with the phone at my ear and listening to my mom, trying unsuccessfully to explain herself.
"I'm supposed to be on my way to the beach," I shout, "to lie in the sun and not think about anything, and instead I have to worry about my father trying to commit suicide again?"
"I don't think he'll try."
"You don't think?" I roar, and Colin freezes and stares at me. "What is the matter with you?"
"Your father needs to think before he acts," she repeats her mantra, but I've already crossed the threshold of patience.
"He needs to do a lot of thing
s. You all need to talk to me and not hide the truth. I'm furious at you and him, but that doesn't mean I want him to die."
"He hurt you, do you expect me to forgive him for that?" Her tone is incredulous.
"I expect you to open the door and let him sleep on the sofa before he does something we will all regret."
"When you're married for more than thirty years, you can give me advice. And when you find out that your husband lied to you, I will listen to what you have to say. Until then…"
"Do you think Colin didn't lie?" I clench my free fist. "I'm not stupid, I know he could have called over the years, he could have come back and confronted Dad and me, but he didn't. I had to decide whether to throw him off the stairs or forgive him and embrace life he offers me and our daughter. Isn’t that what you told me to do? To forgive? Are you really ready to throw away a marriage of over thirty years?"
"Your father threw it away." She is entrenched in her position.
"If something happens to him, I'll hold you responsible."
"Nothing will happen to him."
"You don't know that. Don't you love him anymore?"
"Elizabeth," she sighs, "of course I love him."
"Then you can be angry with him all you want, but at the same time keep him safe," I insist.
"If I let him back, he will think what he did is forgiven, that it is all right."
"I'm sure he knows he was wrong."
I'm sure my father learned his lesson. My mom threw him out of the house, I’m not letting him get close to Vivian. He understands, I have no doubt about it.
"Your boy is trying to solve the situation," she accuses.
"Colin hasn't been a boy for a long time," I roll my eyes, "in case you haven’t noticed."
"At my age," she defies, "you don't think from between your legs anymore, Elizabeth."
"Do you think that's what I'm doing?" I laugh with scorn. "Do you think that's how Colin won his way back into our lives?"
"Your father should internalize that there's a price for his actions."
"You better look in the mirror and find out who's paying the price." One good look in the mirror, and my mom will let him come home.
"Thanks for the advice," she replies cynically, "have fun at the beach."
"I love you," I try to end the conversation in a conciliatory tone. "Please find a way to be happy again, because I'm worried about you and I'm worried about Dad."
"I love you back."
"Bye, Mom." I hang up the phone and put it back in my bag.
"Ready to move?" Colin comes from behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder, his touch on my bare skin sending shivers down my back.
"Yes," I sigh softly.
"Viv woke up." He gestures to Viv, who is smiling at us from the window. "I hope you can survive another hour of Bieber."
"I've been living with him for a year," I chuckle. "What's another hour?"
"I guess I have more to learn," he whispers.
"You learn fast," I whisper back. "Let's go to the beach."
Chapter 31
Vivian is probably the happiest person on the planet. Colin surprised us both when he pulled a blanket out of the trunk to lay on the sand, a picnic basket, toys for Viv and a parasol. Our girl is building a sand castle, after I insisted on covering her with sunscreen, twice, and I made Colin swear not to take his eyes off her. We sit in the sun, it's rays caressing Colin's tattoos, who is in a swimsuit and bare chested, drawing looks from every girl passing by.
"Mama?" Vivian raises her eyes for a moment. "Why don't you wear a swimsuit?"
"Yes, Mama," Colin mimics her, "why don't you wear a swimsuit?"
"I am." I lift up my shirt, only for a moment.
"Why don't you take off your clothes?" she insists.
"Yes, Mama, why don't you take off your clothes?" Colin raises an eyebrow and gives me a lascivious look.
"Don't you have a castle to build?" I wave my hand at the pile of sand.
"Viv," Colin tilts his head at our daughter, "should we help Mom?"
"Oh no," I warn him, "don't even think about."
"Yes!" the collaborator screams immediately. "You have to help Mom!"
"Colin, I'm warning you."
"She's warning me, Viv," he smiles at the girl whose blonde hair shines in the sun. "Do you think she means it?"
"Noooo," Vivian laughs.
"I mean it, I swear." I don't know whether to laugh at how these two communicate or cry from Colin's malicious plan to leave me in a swimsuit.
"Give me your clothes." Colin reaches out his hand to me.
"I'll burn in the sun," I try to dodge again.
"I'll cover you in sunscreen." His sentence is the last thing I need to hear. Why on earth does sunscreen sound like the sexiest thing I can think of?
His hands on my skin, every inch of it. That's why.
"I can do it myself."
"Give me your clothes and I'll let you do it yourself, if you want to so much." He tilts his head with a smile.
I don't want to do it by myself. I want to be all over him, but that's not going to happen with our five-year-old girl around.
"Not a word." I turn a finger at him to keep his mouth shut.
He gives up his hands in surrender, but doesn't take his eyes off me when I open the button of my jeans and slowly drag them down my legs, setting them aside. With trembling fingers I hold the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head, in front of the lingering gaze of my horny ex, who looks like he will jump me any minute.
"We're buying you a bikini," he snarls, completely ignoring the company beside him.
"Not in this life time." I narrow my eyes and fold the shirt, placing it on my jeans. "Are you two satisfied?"
"Bikini," he snarls again.
"Pink bikini," Viv shrieks. "You'll look so good in a pink bikini, Mama!"
"Red." Colin decides to be my new fashion consultant.
"Pink." Viv bends her head back to the sand castle.
"And I thought the trip here would be a long one . . ." Colin takes a deep breath and arranges his swim trunks.
"I told you I should have stayed in my clothes." I smile in light of his distress.
"Like that would make a difference." He bends his head reproachfully.
It's going to happen soon. Maybe not today, but we both know it's going to happen. And when it does, we'll probably lose our heads, drown, and there will be no going back. He's got my heart and is about to get my body after more than five years. My pulse is rippling in my veins, what if he is disappointed?
What if he had so many girls who knew what they were doing? What if I have no idea, and he's going to find out?
"Stop thinking what you’re thinking." Colin's voice resonates sharply.
"You don't know what I'm thinking about," I defend myself from his attempt to read my thoughts.
"Are you sure?"
"You have no idea." Our eyes lock and I sees the gleam in his.
"I have three hypotheses, and if I have to guess, all three are correct."
"And none of them are things we are going to talk to about now." I point to Vivian.
"Vivian," he asks quietly without taking his hungry look away from me. "Isn't your mom the most beautiful woman in the world?"
My heart skips a beat.
"Uh-huh," she answers, dipping her hands in the wet sand.
"Don't go on," I whisper to him with a strangled throat.
"Stop occupying your beautiful head with nonsense." He locks his jaw, which makes his cheekbones stand out.
"It's not nonsense to me."
"I can't erase the past." The frustration in his voice hurts me.
"I'm not asking you to." He can't erase the past, nor can I. I wish he didn't have all those girls. I wish I didn't know about them, but I do, and their existence hurts me, jealousy burns in me. The fear of not being good enough…
"Apply your sunscreen," he says evenly, "I don't want you to burn."
"Colin . . ."
<
br /> "Vivian," he ignores me and leaps to his feet, "let's go into the water."
She stands up quickly and begins to jump around, neither of them inviting me to join. Colin holds Viv's excited hand, and the only thing I can think of is every girl on the beach eyes awash with his amazing body, which moves mesmerizingly. I think of all the girls on the beach who allow themselves to wear bikinis and are not ashamed.
He could have any of them.
To pleasure.
To satisfy.
And he wants me.
I pull my body under the umbrella, lie back and close my eyes. I won't buy a bikini, neither pink nor red. If he wants me, he'll accept me like this. With my fears, with the extra weight and the baggage that accompanies me. If he wants me, he won't try to change the situation. He will hold me to his chest and appreciate the long time I spent without him, which brought me to where I am.
My thoughts are weary. The heat affects me, the sun and the constant concern for Vivian and my parents. The worry nibbles at me, and my brain pleads for a few minutes of silence. My body obeys, and I fall asleep on the warm sand to the sounds of the water hitting the shore.
What's time is it?
I open my eyes slowly, adjusting to the bright light. It takes me a moment to remember where I am, and another moment to sit up in panic, panting.
"Vivian?" My eyes dart around in search of my girl and her father. I don't know how long I slept.
"We're here." Colin's voice comes from behind me. I turn quickly and notice him and Viv, who's holding an ice cream cone bigger than her.
"Is this her lunch?" I open my shocked eyes wider.
"Dinner," he mumbles apologetically.
"What?" I look between the two of them. "What are you talking about?"
"You fell asleep and we didn't want to wake you up, you were so peaceful."
"Peaceful?" I bark. "I look peaceful to you? What time is it?"
"Four-thirty," he mumbles again. "Maybe five."
"Maybe five?"
Okay, I have to stop yelling and pulling gazes from other people.
"How long did I sleep?"
"Four hours, I think." He puts Viv's toys on the sand. "I made sure you stayed in the shade and applied Vivian with sunscreen after we finished lunch. I think she's tired."