by J B Glazer
“What are you smiling about?” he asks.
“You.”
“Oh, why’s that?”
“You make me happy.”
“You make me happy too, Lucy. In fact, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
“It’ll have to wait. Melanie just walked in. Told you, twenty minutes.”
Melanie spots me and heads in our direction, pulling Luke in tow. She looks radiant, and by that I mean her happiness is coming off her in waves. As for Luke, all I can tell is that he has a nice head of hair because I can only see the back of his head. He’s looking over his shoulder at the TV, likely trying to catch the score of the Cubs game. He turns around and our eyes meet. In that moment, time stops. The air leaves my lungs and I literally stop breathing. It’s as though someone hurled a bag of bricks at my chest and I’m suffocating beneath its weight. I squeeze my eyes shut and grip the bar for support. I try to quell the rising panic inside me by focusing on pulling air in and letting it out. I have to tell myself to breathe. Just breathe.
“Lucy?” James looks at me with concern and asks if I’m OK. I open my eyes and watch his lips moving, but it’s as if someone turned on a mute switch. I don’t hear a word he says. The room is spinning, but Melanie and Luke are in sharp focus, moving toward me as though in slow motion. My martini glass slips from my fingers, spraying tiny shards of glass in a pool at my feet. I don’t feel the slice as the jagged edge pierces my skin. I don’t feel the cold contents of my drink running down my leg. Or the warm trickle of blood the glass left in its wake. I don’t feel a thing. How can I when I’m numb?
“Lucy!” Melanie exclaims, rushing to my side. “Are you all right?”
No. I’ll never be all right again.
I’ve found him.
It’s Luke.
Luke
Is
Mr.
Anonymous.
Part II
Found
Now this is not the end.
It is not even the beginning of the end.
But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
—Winston Churchill
Chapter 28
There’s a flurry of activity going on around me. I watch as the bartender pours a beer into a tall glass, the amber liquid rising to the top. Two men shake hands and clink their bottles in a toast. Peals of laughter ring out from a table nearby. People are going on with their lives, but for me, it’s as though time has stopped. My world has literally just been upended. It’s funny how everything around me is the same as it was moments ago. But my life is forever changed. All these months I’ve been searching for Mr. Anonymous. And now that I’ve found him I want nothing more than to take it all back. I’d rather be left wondering what could have been than face what is to be. If only I could go back to the start. I’d have made different choices. But this new beginning is my new reality. And it feels like the beginning of the end. Melanie places her hand on my arm and I realize she’s speaking to me.
“Lucy, this is Luke,” Melanie says, oblivious to my inner turmoil.
I’ve been avoiding making eye contact, but now I have no choice in the matter. I meet his gaze and try not to flinch as he stares back with those dark eyes of his, an expectant expression on his face. He’s about to say something but I cut him off before he can get the words out. “It’s nice to meet you,” I say, extending a hand, surprised my voice sounds normal because I’m shaken to the core. As much as I’d like to be anywhere but here, I stand my ground. With a look I hope he’ll understand, I implore Luke to follow my lead. Luke. I can’t believe he’s standing before me.
He hesitantly places his hand in mine. The moment we touch I pull away as though I’ve been burned. Technically, I have. By him.
“And this is James,” I offer. The two men shake hands and I want to laugh at the absurdity of it. Then James pulls Melanie in for a hug.
“I’ve heard such wonderful things about you,” he says.
“Aww, you’re a keeper,” she jokes. Then Melanie turns to me with an odd expression. Oh my God. She knows. I think I may vomit.
“Luce, you’re bleeding,” she says.
“I am?”
I look down and there is indeed a trickle of blood flowing from my ankle. As much as I hate blood, I’ve never been more relieved.
“The glass,” I say. “It must’ve nicked me.” I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. “I’ll be fine.”
“You should at least have it looked at.”
I shake my head but Melanie seems oblivious to my objection. I’m already mortified, and this is only making it worse.
“I’ll find someone to help,” Melanie offers. “James, why don’t you go get Lucy another drink. She’s gonna need it. And Luke, you stay here and keep an eye on Lucy.” I’m about to protest but she’s already walked away.
“I’ll be right back,” James says, giving me a peck on the cheek.
Please don’t leave me.
He heads toward the bar. Damnit! I’m alone with Luke.
I turn away from him, not ready to engage in any sort of small talk. He places his hand on my shoulder and spins me around so I’m facing him. “Lucy.” It’s all he says. But the way he says it carries so much meaning. I meet his gaze and he’s looking at me with such intensity, it’s as though he’s drinking me in. My face grows warm from the scrutiny of his stare. It’s unnerving, but he doesn’t relent. I close my eyes in an attempt to center myself. I channel my yoga instructor’s voice as I focus on calming my breathing. I’m still light-headed but I know the blood is flowing through my veins because suddenly it’s pounding in my ears. Or maybe that’s my heartbeat.
“We need to talk,” he finally says, breaking the silence.
I look over my shoulder to make sure no one is approaching. I spy James at the bar and he mouths, “Are you OK?” I nod and it brings me back to reality.
Whatever moment Luke and I just had is gone.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
Luke has the audacity to look upset.
“Lucy, just hear me out.”
The sound of my name on his lips again is more than I can bear. “No,” I say forcefully, taking a step back to put more distance between us.
“It’s not what you think,” he says quietly.
“It never is. Let me tell you something,” I say, jabbing my finger at his chest. “If you hurt Melanie I will rip your balls off. I swear to God I’ll do it. The only thing stopping me is the fact that she’s in love with you.”
He seemed amused by my outburst at first, which really pisses me off. That cocky brazenness was back on full display, until I mentioned the part about Melanie being in love with him. He looked shocked by it. This night just keeps on getting worse.
“Lucy, I—”
“Stop talking. Melanie is coming back. If you care about her one bit you’ll never mention what happened between us. Ever.”
Melanie approaches with a man in tow carrying a First Aid kit. I let him tend to my ankle while Melanie, James and Luke make small talk. I don’t hear a word they’re saying. All I can do is focus on not throwing my new drink in Luke’s face. I guess I’ve channeled all of my sadness into rage. Who the hell does he think he is? That he can just talk his way out of what he did. There’s no explanation that will ever excuse his behavior. They say there’s a fine line between love and hate. I’ve never understood how that could be until this moment. Because I hate Luke Harrison with all of my being.
The man finishes wrapping gauze around my ankle then I have to fill out some forms. I don’t read a word. I’m guessing it says I won’t sue the bar. They don’t have to worry about me ever coming back. This place will always be associated with my worst nightmare. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the rest of the night. Hell, I don’t know how I’ll make it through the rest of my life knowing my best friend is dating my ex-lover. I can’t stand to be near him for another minute.
“I’m not feeling well,” I tell James. �
��I have a terrible headache. It could be a migraine.”
He looks at me, his face filled with concern.
“I think that’s why I spilled my drink. I’ve been dizzy since we arrived.”
“Luce, you should’ve said something. I’ll take you home,” he says.
I nod even though all I want to do is be alone.
“I’m so sorry, Mel. I think I’m getting a migraine. James is going to take me home.”
“You poor thing. She hates the sight of blood,” Melanie tells Luke.
He nods like this is new information. James says goodbye then goes to fetch my coat. I only brought it because it might rain.
“I’m glad I finally got to meet the infamous Lucy,” Luke says, taking my hand in his. It takes all my willpower not to snatch it away and slap him. “We’ll have to find another time to get together when you’re feeling better.” His dark eyes bore into mine. I’d shoot daggers at him if I could. I pull my hand away but his warmth is left behind. I immediately stuff my hands in the pockets of my coat James just handed to me.
Is Luke serious with this raincheck business? I made it perfectly clear I want nothing more to do with him. He’d better not make this into some kind of sick game. But when I think back to the things Melanie told me about him, Luke’s been nothing but good to her. I’m so confused that I really am getting a headache. I steal a glance at Luke as we’re walking out, and I swear I see disappointment etched into his features.
Sure enough, it’s pouring. There’s a loud crack of thunder that makes me jump, followed by a flash of lightning that lights up the sky. Go figure. I remind myself it’s never thunder you need to be worried about. I was wrong.
I’m quiet on the cab ride back. I tell James I feel nauseated and that I’d rather be on my own. He’s insistent about staying with me, so I tell him it would be mortifying if I got sick while he was there. I promise to text him before I go to bed, and eventually he relents.
I let myself into my apartment and head straight for my closet. I find Luke’s shirt on the top shelf where I left it months earlier. I march to the garbage room and this time I have no issue stuffing it down the chute. Good riddance.
I crawl into bed, fully dressed, and replay the night over in my mind. Should I have told Melanie? No. Not then. That would’ve been quite an introduction. “Luke and I actually know each other. He’s the one who smashed my heart to pieces that you helped to pick up.” Maybe I should tell her tomorrow—warn her about him. But the more I ponder it the more I realize I can’t bring myself to do it. She told me she’s crazy about him. The second I tell her the truth she’ll end things with him. I know she would. He and I don’t have a future, so why ruin hers? She deserves to be happy. And as much as it pains me, I can’t take that away from her.
I think back to details she’s told me about their sex life and it makes me sick to my stomach. I want to vomit. James. I should focus on James. My sweet and thoughtful boyfriend who cares about me is the distraction I need.
So why can I only think of Luke? Damn him. The way he looked, the way he smelled, how he carried himself resurfaced memories I’ve tried so hard to bury. And the way he was looking at me made me think what we had was real. But there’s something about that look that’s been nagging at me.
I put on my pajamas and wash up. Then I text James that I have a migraine and I’m going to bed. He texts back he’s surprised it came on so quickly and hopes I feel better. That’s it! As I power down my phone it dawns on me. Luke didn’t seem surprised to see me. His look was expectant because he was waiting for my reaction. He knew who I was. That sonofabitch. I run to the bathroom and this time I do vomit until there’s nothing left in me.
Chapter 29
Luke, 2 weeks earlier
Melanie shows me around her one-bedroom apartment. Her cat, Sheeba, follows me from room to room—not that there’s many of them. It’s like she’s inspecting me, watching me with those yellow eyes of hers. I guess I pass the test because she wraps herself around my legs. If only she knew better. I pet her behind the ears and she purrs in return.
“She likes you,” Melanie says.
“She’s smart. And rather friendly for a cat.” I’m not usually a cat person, but I leave that to myself.
We get to the bedroom and before I have a chance to look around, Melanie suggests we test out the mattress. Melanie likes having sex, a lot. I have no complaints on that front, but our relationship is another story. To be honest I’m surprised I let things get this far with her. That night I met her at the benefit, she was a welcome breath of fresh air. She was flirty and fun and I needed that. What I didn’t need was another heartbreak, because when we met I was a broken man. I never thought I’d be the type to fall in love. But I fell hard for a girl I barely knew. Yet it felt as though I knew everything about her that was important. And then she was lost to me and everything changed.
Then I met Melanie. I made it clear I wasn’t looking for something serious. That’s the problem with women: they all think they can be the one to change your mind. But after our first kiss I knew for certain. The kiss was just a kiss. I never understood what that meant before—until Ms. Coffee. When I kissed her she flooded my senses, no, invaded them. She literally wiped out every thought from my brain. I could focus on nothing but the softness of her lips and the taste of her. And I craved more. I had no clue that a kiss could be as intimate as sex, but it became a way for us to communicate. With each kiss she revealed parts of herself to me. And I willingly took them. I wanted to soak her in, know everything about her. All of her secrets. I was consumed with an overwhelming desire to possess her. But it was so much more than that. She filled all of the hollow spaces inside until I felt whole.
When I kissed Melanie I felt nothing. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice and I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy it. But I knew right away we’d never have the intense connection I shared with Ms. Coffee. So I decided I had nothing to worry about. If anything, she was likely the one to get her heart broken.
I’ve tried to keep things casual. She’s fun to have around and the sex is great. I think I keep things going out of convenience. The pressures at work have been insane, and she’s a welcome distraction. Plus, with my busy schedule I don’t have time to date. And let’s face it, a guy has needs. But I’m finding the longer I stay with her, the harder it is to end things. In the beginning I needed her to hold onto my sanity. Her positive energy and her laugh helped me get past the darkness. I wanted to be with her because I didn’t want to be alone. That’s when my thoughts would torment me. It seemed we were on the same page until some circumstances in her personal life made things get heavy. Her parents announced they were getting a divorce. Then she had to put Otis down. So I figured I’d hold out a bit longer. What kind of guy breaks up with his girlfriend after her dog dies? I’m not that big of an ass. The bottom line is I like Melanie and don’t want to break her heart. I know what it feels like, and she doesn’t deserve that kind of pain, especially from me. So my plan is to pull away slowly. Do things to piss her off. Make her want to break up with me.
I’m a dumbass. Clearly things are not going according to plan. I’ve never been to her apartment before. I claimed it was because of my puppy, Martin, which is partly true, but frankly I just like doing things on my terms. At my place I can control how long she stays and drop her home when I want to be alone. But she’s been bugging me to come to her, so I agreed.
While she’s showering I take the opportunity to catch up on emails. Then I look around her room, which is filled with picture frames. The girl seriously has a picture filling every conceivable surface. I pick one up from her nightstand and check out her friends. Lots of girls in every picture—no men. Most of them are hot. Too bad I need to end things or I’d ask her to hook up my little brother, Patrick. As I’m putting a frame back on her shelf something catches my eye. It’s an old photo of Melanie with a raven-haired girl. They both look to be about ten. I stare at the girl’s feline shaped eyes, eyes
I’d know anywhere, and a sense of relief mixed with dread fills my chest. It’s her. I can tell by her physical appearance that this is Melanie’s best friend she talks about constantly: Lucy.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw her at Starbucks. It wasn’t my usual coffee shop. There’s another that’s closer to my place, but I was trying to avoid Val. She’s in the industry and I’d run into her at various conferences. I needed some intel, so I seduced her to get it. I never mix business with pleasure. For me, it was all business. The pleasure part was just a bonus. Our arrangement worked for a little while, but then she caught on. I’d been avoiding her and let’s just say she was not too happy about that. She knew where I lived, so I decided I needed to find a new Starbucks.
Back to Lucy. After I paid for my muffin I turned around and there she was, standing in line. She looked like a fucking angel, with her shiny black hair setting off pale, creamy skin, flushed cheeks, and pouty pink lips. She had the most mesmerizing eyes. I couldn’t tell if they were green or blue. I guessed they were the kind that would change based on what color she was wearing, like a chameleon. But it wasn’t just the color that was unnerving. When she looked at me I felt this tightness in my chest. It was the way she looked at me, like she knew me. I felt as though she saw past the bullshit, past the cocky exterior to what lies beneath. I don’t know how to explain it. But I knew that I needed to know more about her.