by J B Glazer
“We’re not done, Luke. Far from it.”
And then I walk out of his office, wishing with all of my heart it were true.
My heart aches. It feels as though it’s torn in two. The problem is Luke has the other half and I don’t know how to get it back to make it whole. My only solace is I feel a sense of peace now that I understand my past. The urge to share the news with Melanie is overwhelming. There’s no one else who could understand what it means to me. I decide to text her.
I met my birth mother. You’re the only one I wanted to share the news with. I’m sorry. For everything.
My heart jumps as I see the dots that indicate she’s typing.
OMG. That’s huge. We should meet. We have a lot to talk about.
She wants to meet! Finally. We make plans to have coffee Friday morning. I count down the days.
I arrive first. There aren’t any free tables so I order us coffees then wait until someone leaves. I grab a booth just as Melanie walks in. She spots me and heads over. It’s awkward not knowing how to greet her. Instead of our usual hug she slides in across from me.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi. I got you a caramel macchiato.”
“Thanks. So, tell me about your mom. Then we’ll talk about us.”
“She looks like me.” I bring up our selfie on my phone and slide it across the table. She studies it. “You definitely have her eyes. And her mouth. Something in the expression. I feel like I’ve seen you make that face.”
I smile. I like that Melanie sees part of me when she looks at Cecilia. It makes me feel as though I have roots somewhere. I summarize what Cecilia told me and her reasons for leaving.
“Wow. That’s amazing. What did your mom say?”
“I haven’t talked to her yet.”
“You haven’t talked to her since you went to meet Cecilia?”
I nod. “Lucy, don’t you think your mom is dying to know how things went?”
“I’m sure she is. But wouldn’t you assume she’d know I’ve been dying to meet her my whole life?”
“Probably. I’m sure she struggled with the decision. But don’t you think she did what she thought was best?”
“I honestly don’t know. She said she and my dad didn’t want to derail my progress. If anything, hearing about her would’ve helped. It makes me wonder whose best interests they had in mind.”
“I have to think as parents they would put your needs first. I know your mom and I have to believe her heart was in the right place. Maybe she was scared of losing you. Have you ever thought about that?”
“No. I haven’t. Why would she think she’d lose me?”
“Because maybe she doesn’t know the depth of your love for her. You’ve never told her.”
She’s right. I’m thirty-four years old and I’ve never told my parents I love them. How wrong is that? Saying “me too” and “I love you” aren’t the same.
“Talk to her,” Melanie says.
“I will. So…”
“So.”
“I’m sorry, Melanie. I don’t know how else to say it. I know you don’t believe me, but I swear there was never anything between us until that night. I know I should’ve told you from the beginning. But you were so into him. And you’re not the kind of person who fell for a new guy every week. So when I saw the two of you together that first time, my instinct was to protect you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I had James and thought he could make me happy. And he did. But just not in the same way. I never set out to hurt you, in fact, it was the opposite.”
She’s quiet, so I give her time to process my apology.
“Remember that guy, Gavin, who I dated sophomore year?” she asks.
“Yeah, the poet. I remember him because he was the first guy you fell for that I thought had potential. You were so into him.”
“I remember coming home one day and you guys were talking. He was reciting something he had written. He never showed me his work. But I told him you liked to write poetry, too. So I chalked it up to that. You should’ve seen the way he was looking at you. It’s as if I wasn’t even in the room. Then when I realized what he was saying, I knew his words weren’t meant for me.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“You were oblivious. But it was always like that. He never looked at me the way he looked at you. That’s been the case with us. I’ve always played second fiddle.”
“What do you mean? That’s just one example. And you were probably seeing something that wasn’t there.”
“No. You were always the one the guys wanted.”
“What are you talking about? You were the one with all the boyfriends.”
“But they wanted you first. I saw it in their eyes, in their expression when they were trying to get your attention. You didn’t see it, but I did. You were inaccessible, though. So then they noticed me. And now here we are again. I’m coming in second.”
I ball my napkin in frustration. It’s baffling how she could interpret the same scenario so differently. People were always drawn to Melanie. She’s like this bright ball of energy, and I’m her shadow, watching from the wings. The difference is I’m content being there.
“Melanie, I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the one people gravitate toward. You have this warmth and openness about you that draws people in. You’re outgoing and funny and kind. I know I’m closed off and opposite you in every way. I have no clue why you befriended me all those years ago. But I swear to you that you’ve always been the most important person in my life. You’ve never been in second place. That’s what made the decision so hard. And it’s why I chose you.”
“I just can’t get past that you lied to me.”
“What would you have done? Had the roles been reversed, and you were heartbroken over some guy I was dating. Would you have told me? Knowing full well I would have broken up with him immediately upon finding out. Because that’s what you would have done. And I didn’t want that for you.”
“I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to put myself in that situation knowing the outcome. But one thing I do know is I would’ve told you. And we would’ve figured out a solution together.”
“I’m sorry. It’s hard to verbalize the depths of my regret. I know what I did was wrong. It seemed right in the beginning, and then I was in so deep I didn’t see a way out. I wish I could take it back. But I can’t. It will always be there between us. But I hope someday with time you can forgive me.”
“I hope so too.”
“I’ll always want you a part of my life, Mel. No matter how small. I’ll take whatever you can give.”
She nods.
“There’s one more thing,” she says as she fidgets with the sleeve of her coffee cup. “I should apologize to you too. I lied when I said Luke told me I made him want to be a better man. He never said those things to me. Trish told me.”
“I know.”
“You know?”
“Yeah, she told me.”
“Oh, I’m surprised you haven’t brought it up.”
“I understand why you did it.”
“I guess I was tired of living in your shadow. In that moment I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. And I knew that by saying it, I would plant a seed of doubt about his feelings for you. But most of all, I hoped by saying it, it would be the end for the two of you.”
I suspected that was the case. It pains me hearing her admit it out loud, that she intentionally wanted to make me suffer. But I’m willing to move past it. I accept that neither of us is perfect—no friendship is. I’m not looking for perfection. I just want some semblance of what we had. It’s rare to find a true friend who knows you better than you know yourself. One who loves and accepts you for all your qualities, both good and bad. And I also know it’s rare to share a history that runs as deep as ours. So even if we could hold onto a small part of it, that would be enough.
“It was the end of us. I told Luke I didn’t trust
him. It was a deal-breaker.”
She sighs.
“I thought hearing that would make me happy. But it doesn’t. It makes me sad for the both of us. We’ve already lost so much. What was it all for?”
“I don’t know.”
“I won’t ever condone what you did. But on some level I understand why you did it. I’m sorry,” she says.
“I forgive you,” I say extending my hand as a peace offering.
She doesn’t take it.
“I’m just not there yet. I’m sorry.”
Her words sting. But I didn’t come in expecting everything would be solved over one coffee.
“I understand. Maybe we could get together again sometime? Like next month?”
She nods. “I’d like that.”
We leave, her walking in one direction, and me another. But it’s progress.
I call my mom on my way to work.
“Lucy. It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“Hi, Mom. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“No, honey. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve known how important it was to you to meet her. To know where you came from. I shouldn’t have withheld that from you. What’s she like?”
I tell my mom about our visit and the butterfly mural.
“You always did love butterflies. I started your collection when you were just six years old.”
“You did? I don’t remember that.”
“You were so enamored with them. I said you were like a butterfly. They seem so delicate, but they must be so strong to break free from their cocoons.”
I like that analogy.
“Well honey, I should go. Are you sure you don’t want to come home for Thanksgiving?”
I’m about to say no because I was just home. But I change my mind. “You know what, Mom? I’d love to.” And before she has a chance to say it first, I tell her the words I’ve never been able to. “I love you, Mom. I always have.”
I hear a choked sob and then she says, “I know you do. I know you do, sweetheart. And I love you. So much.”
I’m about to hang up but then she says, “Whatever happened with Melanie and that boy you told me about?”
“Melanie and I are working on things. Luke doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“So make him. Don’t let him get away.”
Luke’s words echo in my ears. Sometimes the best things are what you need to fight hardest for. I’m not done fighting for us yet, Luke. Far from it.
Chapter 40
Luke
I meet with Tyson and Jeffrey to prep for my interview with Media Week. They have a canned response I’m supposed to memorize for when I’m asked about the takeover. Legal is nervous I’m doing the interview. But I’m not about to pass up an opportunity for some PR over their concerns. Let them do their job and I’ll do mine. That’s essentially what I told Tyson.
I’m sitting here reading the statement, which sounds like complete nonsense. Nothing I’d ever come close to saying. Who the fuck talks like this? I push it aside and try not to think about my meeting before they walked in last week. I can’t believe Lucy stormed in here. The look on Cynthia’s face was priceless. Had it been anyone else I would’ve called security. Seeing her again was torture. Gut wrenching. That’s exactly how I feel. Gutted. Like she reached in and took out everything inside me. Now all that’s left is an empty shell. I had to turn my back on her for fear I’d cave. But I didn’t. Because I reminded myself she let me down. Her of all people. That surprised me. But I guess it shouldn’t have. She already told me she chose Melanie. I just chose not to hear it. I was a goddamned fool to think what we shared could compete with a lifetime of friendship. I never would have asked that of her—to choose me over Melanie. But I have to remind myself she made the choice for me by not coming clean in the beginning. I should have trusted my gut and pushed her to tell the truth. Maybe then Melanie would’ve understood and it would never have come down to choosing sides.
I still love her. I don’t know how to turn that off. But she disappointed me. Like everyone else in my life. Maybe I could move past the disappointment, but not her lack of trust. It’s a non-negotiable point. She knew that. So why does she think she can be the one to change my mind? She can try all she wants, but she underestimates how ruthless I can be.
I look at my watch and realize it’s time to go. I catch a cab downtown and arrive ten minutes early for my interview. I’m not sure how word of the takeover got out, but there’s been a lot of speculation. After waiting in the lobby I’m greeted by Nikki Townsend. I did my research so I know what I’m in for. Nice legs with a face to match but a bit too made up for my taste. Maybe I should do her and get Lucy out of my head. But I know that won’t help—hers is the only face I see.
Nikki offers me water and reviews how the process will work. It’s not a live interview, so we can do retakes if needed. The crew takes a good hour getting the lighting and my makeup right. I protested, but they insisted. Thank God Patrick didn’t come—he’d never let me hear the end of it. I mentally review my answers and try to get my head in the game. Finally we’re ready to begin.
“I’m here with media mogul Luke Harrison. Luke is the Sales Director at Brampton Hardy Media. In the seven years since he joined the company, he’s brought in over twenty million in new accounts. He’s been called everything from brilliant to heartless. But whether you love or loathe him, he’s undoubtedly our generation’s Media King. Luke, how are you today?”
“Doing fine, thanks. That was quite an introduction.”
“How do you prefer to describe yourself?”
“Driven.”
“Tell me, where does your drive come from?”
“I’m a highly motivated individual. Let’s just say I want to be the best at what I do.”
“It seems to me you certainly are. What’s been the secret to your success?”
“Well if I told you, it wouldn’t be secret, now would it?”
She doesn’t seem deterred by my response. Instead she powers on.
“You recently struck a record-breaking deal with To Life Spirits to sponsor the Super Bowl. What was your strategy?”
“I like to push the envelope. Think outside the box. Everyone in the industry keeps doing the same thing but expects different results. We put together a comprehensive, cross-channel media plan that will have unprecedented reach. And we have the numbers to back that up because we created our plan with Google. No one else at the table thought to bring in a search partner. That’s all I can say for now.”
“Impressive. Speaking of, my sources tell me you’re close to taking over WH Media Holdings, your father’s company. That would make Brampton Hardy the biggest media conglomerate in the industry. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of unrest and questions about the deal. Namely, who would be CEO.”
“Let’s just say WH Media would be coming under our umbrella.”
“Ousting your own father and former mentor. That’s pretty harsh, even for you.”
“Is there a question in there?”
“Let me rephrase. What made you want to take over your father’s company, a place where you worked prior to coming to Brampton?”
“To show him that I’m better than him. And because I could.”
“Sounds as though there’s animosity there.”
“Your words. Not mine.”
“I imagine there’s a lot riding on this deal. Rumor has it seventy-five million dollars, to be exact. That would make you one of the most successful media executives in the country. The Media King, they’re calling you.”
“I’m aware of the nickname. And my reputation.”
“Does it bother you? Being considered heartless?”
“No. I only care about what those who are close to me think.”
“Is there someone close to you, outside of work?”
“I didn’t realize my personal life was relevant to this interview.”
“You are the subject of this interview. Ev
erything is relevant.”
I fix her with a stare that tells her to back off. She has the sense to move on.
“One last question. Now that you’re at the top, what does the Media King have planned next?”
“I don’t know.” I look up, maybe hoping for some sort of divine intervention, and the intensity of the lights hurts my eyes. It’s as though I’m in the spotlight and every part of me is exposed, parts that I don’t want people to see. Because the truth is I feel lost. I should be on top of the world with this impending deal, but I feel nothing. Not even an ounce of satisfaction. So what’s next is a question I’ve been asking myself. And one I don’t have the answer to.
“You don’t know? What do you want your legacy to be?”
I think about that. I think about my dad who spent his whole life building me an empire. And the one that I’m now building. I also think about the one that fell apart with Lucy. Because that’s what it felt like we had: an empire. The whole world at our feet. I think about the family I’d one day like to have. And how I’d want my children to remember me. The lessons and values I’d teach them. I have my answer.
“Let’s rewind,” I tell Nikki. Can you ask me again what I have planned next?”
She nods. “One last question. Now that you’re at the top, what does the Media King have planned next?”
“That’s something I need to re-evaluate. The thing about being on top, is there’s only one way to go from there.”
She looks puzzled by my answer.
“And back to your question about why I wanted to take over my father’s company. The truth is that thought it would make me happy, taking it away from him. That was always the plan.”
“Was?”
I ignore her interruption. “Initially I wanted to show him I’m better than him. That I could rise to the top without him. But these past few months, I’ve realized that what I want is to be a better man. The kind of man who would make him proud.”
She tells the guys to stop rolling.
“Luke, I’m sensing there’s something you’re not telling me. Off the record, if I go to press with this story and it turns out not to be true, my job will be in jeopardy. The headline is about your takeover of your father’s company. That’s what people want to know about.”