by J B Glazer
States of Matter
A lone icicle hangs from a tree branch in the dead of winter.
Frozen solid, it remains untouched.
Spring rolls in.
Drip, drip, drip.
The icicle slowly melts.
The drips come together and form a puddle.
The sun disappears again.
The puddle remains.
The sun returns. The temperature soars.
The puddle slowly turns to vapor.
The water evaporates into the sky, leaving no trace behind it was ever there.
I am vapor.
My heart aches reading her entries. I flip to the ones that are most current.
Hope
Warm eyes,
An open smile.
Makes me smile,
It’s been so long.
Inviting.
I hesitate.
But my eyes are now open.
A sliver of hope.
Love
Falling…
Falling…
Fallen.
Pure bliss.
The Crush
Falling…
Falling…
Fallen.
Rock bottom.
CRUSHED.
Heartbeat
There’s a heart beating in my chest.
I know it’s there.
I can feel its steady rhythm.
But it’s quiet. Always quiet.
I want to hear it. To know I’m alive.
In Hamilton, when Eliza saw Alexander her heart went BOOM.
Like an explosion in her chest.
But mine remains quiet. How I long to hear its sounds.
Then I met him.
BOOM.
Lost
Organized
Efficient
Orderly
Systematic
Methodical
Trying to prevent the inevitable.
So much time preparing, searching.
Scared of losing something.
Only to discover it’s someone.
But how can you lose something that’s not yours?
Lost. Alone… Again.
Despair
Darkness envelops me a like a blanket,
Wrapping her claws around me.
Holding tight,
She won’t let go.
I give up the fight.
The light is too blinding.
Secrets
Not even a whisper.
Not even a sigh shall leave my lips.
Yet its weight is unbearable.
Locked up tight.
I’m the key. But there’s no escape.
For the lock is broken.
The Day the Music Stopped
I saw you across the room, eyes as black as a starless night.
You looked at me and it felt like you could see my very essence.
My heart thumped wildly in my chest.
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
My pulse would race every time I saw you.
I could feel the blood running through my veins, carrying it to my heart.
SWOOOOSH.
I’ve never felt more alive.
Then we met and I became a symphony.
A symphony of sweet sounds.
We came together and CRASH.
Our song reached a dramatic crescendo.
Then you left. The music stopped. Now all that’s left is
Silence.
Lies
Black
Ugly
Sin
Cruelty
LUCY
Burned
I saw you across the room
A fire burned within
Perfect strangers. Perfect together.
Then you vanished
Searching, searching, searching
Nowhere to be found
I saw you across the room
No, no, no
But the fire still burns
Willpower. Strength. Self-Control.
TEMPTATION
An inferno
Yes, yes, yes!
I can’t quench the flames
They spread like wildfire, consuming me
She saw you across the room
Her anger fans the flames
Trust. Broken.
My tears create a flood
I’m drowning
No one hears my cries. I’m alone.
Deluge
The world I created incinerates
Nothing remains but
Ashes. Ashes. Ashes.
I can feel the weight of her pain as though it’s resting on my shoulders. It’s difficult to keep reading, knowing I caused so much of it even though it was unintentional. I know she never meant for me to read any of these words. These are her thoughts meant for her and her alone. It feels intrusive somehow. So I flip to the back, hoping we’re meant for a different ending. And then I find it. A poem that she wrote for me.
Metamorphosis
A tiny egg, a beautiful fate.
Ill-fated lovers
Growing, preparing, shedding its skin.
Shrunken, lost, re-building walls
On a journey. Finally at rest.
Restless
Weaving a silk nest. Hidden away inside.
Tired of hiding
Changes no one can see.
Exposed. Forever changed
Emergence.
Arrival
Fragile.
Stronger
Ready to fly.
Ready to leap
Into the blue.
Into you
2 weeks, a fleeting existence
2 days, a lasting impression
Touched by its beauty
A gift that will last a lifetime
Thank you for giving me the greatest gift. You.
Lucy
That was the last entry. I’m about to close the journal but see another note taped to the back. She’s copied the words from a Coldplay song called “Magic.” It asks the question even after everything that’s happened do you still believe in magic. Underneath she’s written her response as though Chris Martin asked her personally.
I do believe in magic. I do believe in you.
Because when we’re together, it feels like magic. Like it can’t be real. But it is.
I do believe that of all the people in this world, you are destined to be mine.
My world revolves around you, Luke. I was wrong. Melanie isn’t the sun. You are.
You are. I put my head in my hands and weep. My shoulders heave with the weight I’ve just placed on them. I haven’t cried since I was thirteen years old. But I’m overcome with emotion, so much so that I’m not sure my body can bear the anguish I feel. Tortured. That’s the word. And through my salty tears, I finally see clearly.
Chapter 43
Lucy
It’s been two weeks since I sent Luke my journal. I’ve heard nothing. Not a word from him. I can’t believe it. I knew it was a possibility, but I never expected silence. I had hoped with all my being my gesture would make him see that I trust him completely. It wasn’t enough. There isn’t anything left I can do that will ever be enough. It’s time to admit defeat. I’ve never felt more exposed and vulnerable—I let him see the real me, all the dark and twisty parts. And I guess he didn’t like what he saw. I’m left with nothing but a hollow emptiness inside.
New Year’s Eve day dawns bright and cold. It’s the biggest day of my career and the eve of my favorite holiday. I should be brimming with endless optimism, but when I look to the year ahead I’m filled only with dread. I arrive at the venue shortly after nine in the morning. Trish and her crew won’t be here for another few hours. I direct the table and chair deliveries, then the caterers. The day passes quickly and the room transforms before my eyes into an enchanted forest. It’s perfect. Veronica thinks so too. She’s told me countless times. The ceremony goes off without a hitch. They make a lovely couple and she’s a beautiful bride in her lace,
vintage dress. It’s like something out of a fairy tale. The irony is that I’m here, living out my worst nightmare. We have a big champagne toast planned at midnight. Dancing is in full swing and everything is on schedule, so around eleven-thirty I slip outside. I’ve been running full steam all day and need a break. I’ve just pulled off the wedding of a century with a smile plastered to my face, when really all I want to do is fall to my knees in frustration. How can Luke not forgive me?
I step out onto the balcony, which overlooks a beautiful garden. Well, I’m sure it’s beautiful in the spring. Right now it’s a big, snow-covered lawn dotted with trees. I wrap my shawl around me tighter and look up at the sky to see if the stars are visible. It’s a clear night so I can see them. I try to find mine—I’ve been searching with the map coordinates, but I’ve never been able to find it. I’m sure it’s a sign. Tears fill my eyes and I blink several times. Tonight isn’t the night to fall apart. It’s just that New Year’s Eve has always held so much hope for me, as if I’m the brink of something that’s filled with possibilities. Possibilities that my life will change for the better. I reflect back on this past year and while it was filled with heartache, I also found love. I never thought I was capable of falling in love or letting someone in. But I did—twice—first with Luke and then with Cecilia. In spite of the pain my life did change for the better. Even though it was only for one glorious weekend and the stolen moments spent with Luke, it did. And while that love was followed with heartbreak, I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change any of it. I have Cecilia in my life now, so even if Luke and I can’t be together, I’ve still found happiness.
I hear the door open as someone joins me on the terrace. Damn, I’d much rather be out here alone. I glance at my watch and it’s eleven forty-five. I should head back inside anyway. There are footsteps behind me but they suddenly stop. I turn around and he’s standing before me wearing a tuxedo. I’m so taken aback I let out a small gasp.
“You’re here,” I say.
He nods.
“I take it you read my journal?”
He nods again.
I stare into his dark eyes, eyes the same color as the night sky, and wait for him to say something. He maintains a distance between us but studies me intently. I have no clue what’s going through his mind. But the fact that he’s here is a good start.
Finally he speaks. “I’m the sun, huh?”
“You are.”
“But you’re not the moon.”
“I’m not?”
“No.” He takes a step toward me. “You are a brilliant, dazzling star. The brightest star in the sky and the first one that comes out at night. Do you know what it’s called?”
“The wishing star?”
“Exactly. You’re the wishing star. Because the first time I saw you I wished that you were mine. And now you are.”
I let out the breath I’ve been holding. The breath I’ve been holding since he walked away from me. I can finally breathe again.
“Can we start over?” I ask.
“I don’t know that I can do that.”
“I’m so sorry, Luke. For the situation I put you in. For asking you to stay with her, for asking you to walk away from me. For not trusting you. For all of it.”
He doesn’t say anything. After a pause he turns and walks away.
He takes the air with him. Pulls it right out of my lungs. It’s as if I’m suffocating. I can’t handle him leaving me again, not when we came this close.
Then he turns around and takes a few steps toward me.
“Ms. Coffee,” he says.
I let out a relieved laugh. So relieved that I close my eyes and once again try not to let the tears fall.
“Coffee Guy.”
“Remember when we used to run into each other at Starbucks? Until you deserted me,” he says.
“I did no such thing. I moved.”
“That’s too bad. Seeing you was the highlight of my morning.”
“Mine too.”
“So, is there something I should know about? Do I have something on my face? Some horrible stain on my shirt?” he says as he pretends to inspect it.
“You’re the one,” I say. “You see, me and my friend had a bet. The stakes were that if she won she got to choose someone for me to sleep with. She won. But I did too.”
“I see. So I take it you agreed with her terms?”
“I wasn’t sure at first.”
“Why not? What did you have to lose?”
“Everything.”
“So what happens next?”
“I agree. To all of it.”
He smiles a triumphant smile.
“But I have my own terms,” I tell him.
“Let’s hear them.”
“No names. No personal details. No strings attached. Let’s keep things anonymous.”
“Hot no-strings attached sex with a mysterious woman. Where have you been all my life?”
“Right here,” I say. “Right here.”
I place my hands on his chest so I can feel the beat of his heart. He winces.
“What’s wrong?”
He loosens his tie then slowly unbuttons his shirt.
“Luke, there’s a party filled with very prominent people inside, my boss included!”
“I want to show you something.”
He moves his shirt aside and reveals a tattoo of a drum, right over his heart, with my name in it. He remembered my favorite line from the song “Gone, Gone, Gone.” I tenderly place my fingertips over the words, permanently inked on his skin. I look up and meet his gaze.
“My heart will never stop beating for you, Lucy,” he says, the conviction behind the words evident in his features.
This time the tears leak from my eyes. My heart will never stop beating for him either.
I hum the song in my head, but then realize it’s on for real. It’s coming from Luke’s phone. He takes my hand and we slow dance, cheek-to-cheek, overlooking the beautiful snow covered field as a light flurry begins to fall.
“I swear, I didn’t plan the snow,” he says.
“It’s a sign,” I tell him. “This was always meant to be.”
He smiles and spins me around so I’m surrounded by a whirlwind of snowflakes. I pause and plant my hands on either side of his face. I want to see the look in his eyes as I say the words that I’ve longed for him to hear. “I love you, Luke Harrison. You are the first man I’ve ever said those words to. And you’ll be the last.” He pulls me to him and as our lips meet, it doesn’t surprise me in the least when the sky explodes in a brilliant display of fireworks behind us. Their loud booms match the beating of my heart. BOOM.
Epilogue
I drum my fingers on my desk, once again glancing at the clock. At nine o’clock sharp, my phone rings. I take a deep breath and answer on the second ring.
“Lucy Chalmers.”
“Lucy! Hi, it’s Mackenzie Shaw from Bride Today.”
“Hi, how are you?”
“The question is, how are you? Tell me, how does it feel for the ultimate wedding planner to be planning her own?”
“It feels surreal.”
She laughs and says, “Now where have I heard that before?”
I smile as I swivel around in my chair, admiring the dazzling solitaire diamond on my left-hand.
“Can you give me any details about the big day?”
“We’re having a New Year’s Eve wedding in Aspen. It’s my most favorite day of the year. We’re getting married outside with the mountains as a backdrop.”
“That sounds stunning. Why Aspen?”
“I’ve always loved Colorado. I’m from there originally.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize that. So, are you thinking big, small?”
“It will be a small affair. Just close friends and family.”
“I hear Trish Bradley-Callaway from Blooms is your matron of honor.”
“She is. In keeping with the small theme we’re each having only a few bridesmaids and gr
oomsmen. Luke’s brother Patrick is his best man.”
I never thought I’d get married without Melanie as my maid of honor. Thankfully we’re keeping the lines of communication open and she agreed to be a bridesmaid. I could never imagine not having her by my side on one of the most important days of my life. We get together about once a month, but we still have a long road ahead of us. I destroyed her trust, and I’m doing everything I can to rebuild it. I didn’t expect our friendship would stay the same after all that’s happened. How could it? I’m grateful she’s still a part of my life, and always will be. But asking her to be my maid of honor while I marry Luke? That would be asking too much. Things are still fragile between us, so I’m trying to maintain a balance. I hope someday we can get back to where things used to be.
“I heard a rumor you might get married on top of a mountain,” Mackenzie says, breaking my reverie.
“Likely just for photos. But we’re investigating to see if it’s a possibility.”
“Sounds magnificent. I’m very happy for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Will you send over some engagement photos?”
“Will do.”
“One last question. I’d love a quote from you about love.”
“I was hoping you’d ask. I’m going to steal a line from my fiancé.”
I swivel around in my chair again as I say the words that brought me to this point. “Sometimes the best things are what you need to fight hardest for.”
After we hang up I think back to my interview over a year ago, when I was worried Mackenzie was going to ask me about love. How I didn’t have the faintest clue about what I’d say. One thing’s for certain: I never thought it would be about fighting for it. But that’s exactly what Luke and I did. Our journey wasn’t easy. We both lost along the way—pieces of ourselves and those closest to us. But we never gave up on each other. And in the end, what we gained was far more precious.