by Anne Jolin
He manages to calm me down enough so that my whole body isn’t shaking anymore. He lifts up the cloth in his other hand and starts to wipe my eyes and cheeks with it. I didn’t look in the mirror, but I’m certain I have mascara everywhere. He takes his time, and when he’s satisfied that he’s gotten most of it, he wets a washcloth and runs it over my face. He passes me the two Advil and the glass of water.
“Take this, Hannah. You’re going to have a headache from all the crying.”
I take the glass with shaky hands and knock back the pills. He takes the glass back, returning it to its spot on the counter. He lifts me up under my knees and around my shoulders, carrying me to my bedroom. He sets me down on the edge of the bed and starts looking through my drawers. Jami pulls out a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt. It’s Greyson’s City and Colour shirt I borrowed after our second night together. I never gave it back, and the sight of it has me bursting with a new set of tears.
He realizes his mistake and pulls out a new shirt, bringing them over to the bed. “I’m going to step out into the hallway. Get changed okay?” he says softly, and I nod my head. He leaves the room and I change into the clothes he’s laid out for me. I hear him knock on the door, and when I don’t say anything, he cracks it open. “All set?”
I mumble a response, and he comes back into the room, sitting beside me on the bed.
“Do you want to talk about it, Hannah?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“Okay then. Let’s get you into bed.” He pulls back the covers and waits for me to crawl underneath them before pulling them up over my body. “I’m going to stay until the girls get home.”
I nod, and as he starts to walk away, I say, “Thank you, Jami.”
“Thick and thin, Hannah Montana. I’ll always be here for you,” he says before softly closing the door behind him.
I cry for a while longer before my body shuts down and my eyelids get heavy. I’ve exhausted myself from crying and drift into a dreamless sleep. At some point, I hear the girls come home and voices whispering in the kitchen before someone yells, “Fucking asshole!” I think it’s Lennon, but I’m too out of it to tell for sure. The voices continue on for some time after that, and I slip under the safety of sleep again. A while later, I hear the door open and two people climb into bed on either side of me. I open my eyes, seeing that it’s my sister and my best friend. I give them a weak smile.
Beth shakes her head. “We don’t have to talk about it now, Han. Just go to sleep.” She’s running her fingers through my hair and I close my eyes. The show of affection is incredibly soothing.
Lennon lays her head on my shoulder. “You can fall apart now, Hannah. We’ve got you.”
I cry myself to sleep for the third time tonight, this time in the comfort of my friend’s arms. I’ve never felt numb before. It fucking sucks.
WHEN I WAKE up the next morning, I feel like my eyes are so heavy that they’ll fall from their sockets and my head feels like it is splitting in two. I roll over to check the time and my heart plummets when I see the photo of Greyson and me on the nightstand. I took the selfie of us when we went hiking at the cabin for Easter. We look happy. I place my hand over the left side of my chest and wince. My heart fucking hurts.
I drag myself out of bed and out of my very own personal pity party. I need to take a shower. I go down the hall and shut the door to the bathroom, turning to face myself in the mirror. God, I look like shit. My eyes are bloodshot with massive bags under them, my skin looks pale, and I look lifeless. I take a minute to mentally thank Jami for taking off my makeup. It only would have made me feel shittier to see the remnants of black tears running down my cheeks. I brush my teeth before turning on the shower and climbing under the warm spray. I stand there for a while, hoping the water will wash away some of my pain. It doesn’t.
I get out of the shower, put my hair in a wet bun, and change into yoga pants. I slide Kai’s lacrosse hoodie over my head and as I do, I know what I am going to do. After making the phone calls I need to make, I set off for the kitchen to talk to my girls.
“Hey you,” Beth says.
“Morning, Han,” Lennon says.
They’re both giving me sympathetic looks, and I know they’re hurting for me. I know that because if this were happening to one of them, I’d be feeling their pain with them.
“Morning,” I say as they pull me into a group hug, there in the middle of our kitchen on a Tuesday morning. “Shouldn’t you guys be at work?” I ask, pulling out of their embrace.
“We called in sick. Three Musketeers or some shit like that. Right, Han?”
“Right,” I say, sitting down on the kitchen stool.
“How are you feeling?” Lennon questions.
“Like I was run over by a Mack truck and then it backed over me again just for fun,” I say. I know I sound pathetic, but I can’t help it.
“What happened, Han? Everything had been so good with you guys…” Beth says, her sentence trailing off.
“Was being the keyword in that sentence.” I laugh, but there’s no humor in it.
“What happened last night?” This time, it’s Lennon, and I sigh. I know I need to tell them, especially after how out of control I was last night. I’m sure I scared them.
I proceed to tell them the horrific events of last night, pausing along the way to cry a few times. I don’t leave out any of the gory details, and by the time, I’m done they are both crying too.
“I’m so sorry, Han.” They wrap me in a hug.
“Are you going to try and talk to him?” Beth asks.
“Not right now,” I say, looking down at the counter. “I said I would fight for him and I meant it. I tried to, but the things he said…” I pause to collect myself before going on. “The things he said we’re so harsh. I just need some time, and I don’t think he wants to see me again. He said we were done.”
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was just upset.” My sister, ever the optimist.
“Even if he didn’t mean them, he still said them, Beth. I can’t slide down that slope again. I’ll hate myself for it. I can’t make him change. He has to want to do that on his own. He has to want to do that for himself. If I learned anything being with Jackson, it’s that.”
“What are you going to do then?” Lennon asks.
I stiffen because I know they won’t like this. It’s not permanent, but they still won’t like it. “I’m going to go visit Kai for a couple of weeks.”
“But—” Beth starts to say before I cut her off.
“I know you guys are here for me, and I love you for that, but I need to get away. Kai’s on break for a few more weeks before the fall semester starts, and I already called him. He’s booked me on the flight out this afternoon.” I reach out and grab both their hands. “I promise I’m not running away. You know that’s not like me. I just need to clear my head and I can’t do that in a place that’s filled with memories of him.” They nod and I smile. “I love you guys.”
“We love you too,” they say in unison.
They help me pack my bag, and we all sit to each lunch together before they drive me to the airport. I’m checked in and about to go through security when I see the troublesome look on both their faces.
“I’m coming back, you guys,” I try to say lightheartedly. “You know I didn’t bring enough clothes to move there. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“What do we tell him, Hannah?” Beth says, chewing on her nails. “If he asks where you are. What do you want us to tell him?”
I think about it for a second before I answer. “Tell him the truth, Beth. You don’t need to lie for me.”
She reaches out and pulls me into a hug that’s so tight I have trouble breathing.
As Lennon hugs me goodbye, she whispers in my ear, “Don’t give up on him just yet, Han.” With that, she kisses my cheek and I wave goodbye to them before making my way through security.
The flight to Ontario isn’t far, only a co
uple of hours, but it feels like it takes forever. I’m restless and the guy beside me smells like onions. I put on my headphones, turning my iPhone music library on shuffle. I might as well try to get some rest before I see Kai. He didn’t ask a lot of questions on the phone, but he will have questions when I arrive looking like a bag of ass. I’m almost drifting off to sleep when the track changes and a familiar tune guts the remainder of my heart right from my body. City and Colour’s “Coming Home” starts to play and I sit here just starting at my phone. My eyes are burning and I’m trying not to cry again. The last thing I want is for onion breath to see me cry.
I should change the song instead of wallowing in self-pity, but because I’m a glutton for punishment, I simply turn up the volume and lay my head back on the seat. I close my eyes, doing my best to keep the tears at bay, and let the lyrics rip a path through me. I guess I feel like I need to turn the knife a little more because I search through my library until I find this entire album and switch it to repeat. If you ask me why I did it, I won’t be able to tell you. Your guess is as good as mine. I suppose in some way it makes me feel close to him—a weird and twisted way, no doubt, but I am willing to take what I can get.
By the time the plane lands and I have my luggage, I am exhausted. My eyes are still heavy from so much crying and my heart seems to permanently reside in the pit of my stomach. I imagine that this is what a living hell would feel like if there were one. I turn on my phone long enough to send Kai at text.
Me: Landed and got my bags. Should be out soon.
Before I turn my phone off again, his response comes through.
Kai: See you soon sis!
I told the girls ahead of time that I’d be keeping my phone off while I am gone. This is my time to figure out what I want but also what I am willing to put up with.
As I walk through the sliding, frosted-glass doors, I see my brother and smile my first real smile in almost an entire day. He waves and hops over the partition, walking straight towards me. It has been so long since I’ve seen him, and he looks great. He has jet-black hair, just like our dad, and brown eyes like mom. He got his height from our dad too, standing at roughly six foot four, and he is built like a brick shithouse. He is an up-and-comer in the minors and everyone figures he’ll be drafted into the NHL when he finishes college. The demanding schedule has made him even more fit. Looking at him, I have to think that even his muscles have muscles.
He reaches me and picks me up in a massive bear hug. “Hannah Banana! It’s so good to see you!” he says.
“Missed you, K!” I respond, hugging him back.
He sets me back down on the ground and picks up my bags. “How was your flight?”
I’m about to tell him when onion breath walks past us. I give him the eyes, telling him to wait a second, and once the man in question is out of hearing distance, I respond. “It was fine, but I had an onion breath mouth breather beside me.” I’m trying to convey my annoyance, and he laughs.
“Easy, killer.” He shoves me. “I miss you too!”
We head out to his truck, and although it’s night, it’s still crazy hot out. The temperature in Ontario gets way hotter than it does in British Columbia in the summer. He tosses my bags into the backseat of his grey Silverado and hops in. He pulls out of the parking lot, and the second we hit the highway, he asks what I knew would be coming.
“Not that I’m not happy to see you, Banana, but are you going to tell me what’s up with the sudden vacation plans? And the fact that you look like a cast member of The Walking Dead?” He did this when we were younger too. He’d always wait to ask me about something until we were in the car and I had nowhere to go. Especially on the highway.
I look out at the landscape whipping past us. Nope, there’s no way I can tuck and roll at this speed. I sigh and fill him in on the details. Unlike when I told the girls, I don’t tell him everything. I edit out a few things and gloss over a couple of the ugly parts. I love my little brother, but he has a serious temper and I would not put it past him to fly across the country to kick Greyson’s ass.
By the time I finish telling him what happened, we’re pulling up to his house. Kai has lived in the same rancher with the same roommates since he moved out here. All three of the guys grew up together in Rock Falls and now play hockey on the same minor league farm team as well as attend school together.
As he puts the truck in park, he looks over at me. “I’m sorry, Banana. That sucks. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”
Kai is the best little brother in the world. Sure, there were a few times when we almost killed each other over silly things like the remote control when we were little. But at the end of the day, he always has my back, and I’d always have his.
“Thanks, K.”
He gets my bags out of the backseat and we head towards the front door. As soon as we walk inside, I can tell that his roommates are home. Tegan and Emmitt are trash-talking each other as they duke it out on some kind of video game. Assassin’s Creed maybe?
As soon as they see me, they pause their game and hop over the back of the couch. “Oooo, Hannah Banana free zone!” they yell. They’ve been saying that ever since we were kids.
“Hey, dweebs. Did you miss me?” I say, laughing, and they squish me in a hug. I do mean squish. These two are just as massive as Kai, if not bigger.
Kai takes my bags down the hall while I reminisce with the guys. Tegan gets me a beer from the fridge and I flop myself down on the old armchair to watch them play.
“You’re in my room, Banana,” Kai says.
“Where are you sleeping?” I ask.
“I’ll just crash on the couch. No big deal,” he responds, shrugging his shoulders.
It doesn’t take long before my eyelids get heavy and I’m saying goodnight to the guys. I hope I get some sleep tonight. I sleep long but dream of pale eyes. It’s bittersweet.
“WHAT THE FUCK do you mean she’s gone, Beth?” I’m trying not to shout, but it’s hard in my panicked state.
“She needed to clear her head, Greyson. She left on Tuesday afternoon.” Beth is glaring at me, and I have no doubt she’s mentally stabbing me like a pincushion.
“When is she coming back?” I sound fucking pathetic, but I don’t care.
“In a few weeks.”
Jesus Christ. Getting information from Beth is like pulling teeth.
“Her phone is off! Why is her phone off? Do you even know if she’s okay?” I’m desperate for almost any information at all. I should have come here the second I realized what a colossal fucking mistake I’d made. But instead, I’ve been a coward and waited almost four days.
“She called when she arrived. She’s safe, but she’s not going to turn her phone on. You need to give her some space, Greyson. You royally fucked up.”
I sag onto the doorframe at her words. She doesn’t have to tell me that. I’ve been replaying the entire thing in my mind nonstop since it happened. I can’t believe I actually said those things to her. No wonder she fucking left.
I rub my hands over my face, which is too scruffy from not shaving. I’ve been a depressed son of a bitch without my girl. “Please believe me when I say I know I screwed up, Beth. I didn’t mean any of the shit I said to her. I was so fucked in the head after seeing my dad and listening to him spout off all that crap about being like him. I panicked. I got scared and I pulled away, but I’ll never do it again. I can’t live without her, Beth.” I’m biting back tears like a complete pussy.
“Those are just words, Greyson. I might believe them, but this is the second time you’ve shut her out when something scared you. She can’t be constantly wondering if you’re going to show up or if she’s going to have to call Jami to pick her up because you’ve got your head shoved so far up your ass you don’t know which way is up.”
I wince and mentally kick myself at the reminder that Jami had to pick up my girl and take care of her. My dad was right. I am a sorry sack of shit. Jami made sure I knew that though
. He showed up at my house Wednesday morning, and as soon as I opened the door, he punched me right in the face. I am still sporting the shiner.
“Will you help me?”
She stares at me for a long time ,and I’m almost about to start begging her when she finally answers. “Do you love her? And I mean really love her, Greyson? Tell me the truth right now and I’ll never ask you again.” She’s dead serious.
I lock my eyes on hers. They look so much like Hannah’s that it hurts my fucking heart just to look at them. “I love that girl more than life itself and I’ll chase her to the ends of the Earth before I’ll let her go again.”
She smiles at me, and for the first time in four days, I feel a new emotion—hope.
“Okay, Hunnam. I’ll help you.”
2 Weeks Later
WELL I’LL BE honest. Sharing a house with three guys isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, especially when it’s your brother and his friends. Not that I don’t love them, but well…it can be a little much and, frankly, a little smelly. I know Kai told me that I could stay as long as I wanted, but I felt like I was starting to cramp his style. I didn’t want to go out to the bar, so he would stay home with me. He managed to drag me to the movie theatre and I went to watch him play hockey, but other than that, I mostly stayed at the house. I kept my phone off but listened to music constantly. I missed Greyson more than I’ve ever missed anything or anyone in my entire life. My heart hurt like hell. I’d never had a broken heart before, and up until now, I wasn’t really ever sure it existed. I spent most nights in his City and Colour T-shirt, and although it had long since stopped smelling like him, wearing it was like having a piece of him with me. I’m a glutton for punishment, remember?
I called the girls almost every night from Kai’s phone to let them know how I was doing. They seemed worried, and the fact that they couldn’t text me on a whim was hard for them. They never mentioned Greyson and neither did I. It was like we were all avoiding the topic, and that was fine by me. I needed to figure out how I felt about him without everyone else weighing in. It was part of the reason I’d needed to get away. I wasn’t trying to punish him by leaving. It was simply a necessary evil. If we are ever going to have a chance at making this work, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. Somewhere deep down I know he didn’t mean the things he’d said, but it dosdn’t stop them from stinging any less.