by Zoe Chant
And Cal just nodded. “Smart. Faster to pay down your debt that way.”
“Yes. And I’m well on my way,” she added, and then clamped down on that line of speech. What, did she want to dazzle this man by chirping, I’ve paid off forty thousand dollars of debt in the last two years with my good job and my thrifty ways! No.
But now Cal was shaking his head. “You impress me, you know?”
Lillian frowned. “I’ve just told you all of the ways my silly choices got me in trouble.”
He looked at her. “No. That’s not what you’ve told me. You’ve told me how being young and in love got you into a terrible situation, and how you’ve picked yourself up, taken on ownership of problems that rightly shouldn’t have been yours, and stepped on forward with your life. Can’t be easy, living at home. Especially—” He stopped.
Lillian frowned. “No, go on. Especially?” She had a suspicion of how that sentence ended.
Cal looked embarrassed. “Couldn’t help overhearing a thing or two about Teri’s situation, is all. Seems like she had it kind of difficult at home. Can’t imagine it’s any easier for you, and you’re sticking it out.”
Lillian was strangely tempted to open up, to give Cal a whole long litany of the problems with life with her mother. The way she put Lillian down. The way she didn’t listen to a thing Lillian said. The way she required all the attention to be on her all of the time. Et cetera, et cetera.
She put a firm hold on that. There was nothing less attractive than people who just complained about others all day, and she’d just spent a solid quarter-hour listing all of the bad qualities of her ex. She wasn’t going to top that by complaining about her mother. How embarrassing.
She decided on, “It’s been challenging. But I grew up the house, I know what to expect.”
“Doesn’t make it easier,” Cal murmured. “Sometimes that makes it harder.”
Lillian just shook her head, not wanting to get into it. Because she was afraid she might never stop. “No matter how challenging it is, I don’t want to bring any danger to my parents’ doorstep. But I don’t know where else I could stay. I suppose a hotel.” She was reluctant to commit to that because of the expense—due to her intense debt-payoff regimen, she never had very much spare cash.
“Not a hotel,” Cal said. “You should—” He stopped.
Lillian looked at him. He seemed almost surprised. At himself? At what he had been about to say? “I should what?”
“I was going to say, you should come stay with me,” Cal said, looking embarrassed. “I have a guest room. But I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He seemed to notice suddenly how close they were standing, and took a quick step back, as though to demonstrate the principle.
Lillian raised her eyebrows. She knew she shouldn’t agree, because the idea of putting the man to all of this trouble seemed wrong. But she was caught by his assumption. “Uncomfortable? We’re both adults. I was married, so you can assume I’ve stayed in the same house as a man overnight before. I’m no innocent maiden who’s going to gasp at the thought of being unchaperoned with a single gentleman.”
He smiled a little. “Right. I should’ve known. Well, then, Lillian: come stay with me tonight. I can handle any mountain lions that appear, and your family will be out of any danger. Meanwhile, we’ll work on figuring out a way to make them back off for good. Sound like a plan?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Lillian agreed.
And maybe she shouldn’t have accepted, maybe she shouldn’t be letting Cal take on all this responsibility and inconvenience. But it was clear that he wanted to. That he felt it was his own problem to solve as well as hers.
And—she had to admit—it was such a relief to feel as though she was on a team. How long had it been? Maybe the early days with Lew, when they were still in college, and he’d made her feel like they could take over the world together.
At the time, she’d hadn’t realized that Lew was more serious than she was about that. That when it came down to it, they wanted different things—he wanted castles in the clouds, she wanted a clean house on the ground, with a hot meal for dinner.
And a change of clothes. Lillian said to Cal, “Do you think it would be too much of a risk to stop home to pack a bag? I’m afraid I’m wearing yesterday’s clothes already, and I hate to think what they’ll be like if I have to spend another night without any luggage.”
Not to mention a hairbrush and some makeup—Teri had given her a spare toothbrush last night and told her to make free with any of Teri’s own things, but some things just weren’t meant to be shared.
“I think we can take the risk,” Cal said. “After all, they likely already know where you live.”
“Very comforting, thank you,” Lillian said dryly.
Cal chuckled softly, but then he reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder. “I’m going to keep you safe, Lillian.”
And the touch and the words went through her in a full-body shiver.
***
Cal’s leopard was growling continuously inside his chest.
Cal had to admit, he was tempted to join in. He had been ever since Lillian had explained how her worthless husband had put her in danger.
Not to mention ruining her to the point that she’d been forced to move back in with her parents.
Cal couldn’t imagine it. How could a man not only be stupid enough to lose that much money gambling—Cal didn’t understand that, full stop, but he knew that people did it; that the allure of the barely-possible beat out the consequences of the present—
But to lose that much money and somehow see no problem with making his wife pay it back? A woman he supposedly loved?
It was loathsome. A man who could do that must have no conscience at all. No empathy, either—other people must not even be real to him. Because if his own wife wasn’t real enough for him to understand what he was doing to her, Cal couldn’t imagine what other people were like to him.
Had he known was he was doing even back when they’d gotten together? Had that wide-eyed college student thought, Hey, here’s a woman who’ll support me for as long as it takes. A good woman who’ll work hard and care for me, no matter what. I’d better tie her to me for good.
Or had he genuinely believed that he loved her, and that they’d walk out into his impossible future together?
Cal decided that it didn’t matter. Whether he’d started out that way or not, Lewis Jacobs was a detestable user, and Cal was going to make sure he paid for it somehow.
And meanwhile, he was going to do his best to get that little worried frown off of Lillian Lowell’s face.
It was barely there, because she was so good at appearing composed, but he’d started noticing it. It lived right between her elegant eyebrows, just the tiniest wrinkle of concern, and it appeared every time she relaxed even the smallest amount.
That made Cal suspect that it was always there, even if it wasn’t visible. He wanted to make it disappear for real.
He doubted he could make it happen right now, though. They were in Lillian’s car, and she was driving to her parents’ house. Cal had decided to leave his own car at Teri’s place and ride with Lillian—he didn’t want her alone until all of this business had been sorted out, and he had a feeling she’d feel better if she were in her own car, driving, than if he just decided to take charge willy-nilly and start driving her around.
Besides, this way if one of the mountain lions showed up, Cal could easily get out, shift, and take care of him while Lillian drove herself to safety.
But as they got closer and closer to Lillian’s home, the little worry line grew more and more pronounced.
“Everything okay?” Cal asked finally, when he noticed Lillian’s knuckled going white on the steering wheel.
Kind of a stupid question, of course: no, everything was not okay, and Cal knew it. But he thought the sense of it would make it across.
And sure enough, Lillian shook her head. Her lips tightened. “Can you
tell if the mountain lions have been around?” she asked abruptly. “I mean, can you...sense them, or smell them, if they’ve been somewhere?”
“Sure.” It was suddenly clear what Lillian was worried about. “It’s much easier if I’m shifted, but I can get a hint even in human form. You want me to see if they’ve been sniffing around your parents’ place?”
Lillian nodded sharply. “Yes. But that means you’re going to have to get out of the car, and my mother’s going to see you, even if you don’t come inside.”
“I’m happy to come inside.” Cal was pretty sure that wasn’t the point Lillian was getting at, but he wanted to make it all the same.
“It doesn’t matter whether you do or not,” Lillian said, “my mother’s going to insist on talking to you. And she isn’t going to be nice.”
Cal laughed. Was that all? “Lillian, I work at a national park. I’m the authority people go to when they’re not happy with what the regular staff are telling them. Believe you me, I’ve dealt with plenty of people who weren’t very nice. And that’s without even counting being back in Iraq. Compared to that, people not being very nice to me is a cakewalk.”
Lillian was quiet for a second, and then she said, “You know, I don’t know that anyone’s ever compared my mother to an Iraqi insurgent before.”
“I can bet she takes at least as much planning before engagement,” Cal said.
Lillian laughed, a short humorless burst. “I’m sure she does, honestly. But—Cal, this is my mother. It’s not the same as an angry tourist.”
“Why isn’t it the same?” He’d encountered some entitled mothers traveling with their families before, that was for sure.
She said, so low it would’ve been difficult for a non-shifter to hear her, “I don’t want her behavior to affect your opinion of me.”
Hearing that Lillian cared so much about his opinion gave Cal a surprisingly warm thrill. His leopard’s continuous growl even softened, mellowing into a purr.
Cal didn’t know why this woman suddenly meant so much to him, but he suspected it had to do with how impressive she was. He had immense respect for everything she’d been through, and particularly that she’d survived it with her head held high, retaining her pride—and her confidence in herself. The way she’d insisted she could handle all of this without help...Cal supposed she’d gotten used to not being able to lean on anyone else. She probably thought the whole world was unreliable.
And he was determined to prove that wrong.
“No matter what she says or does,” Cal said, hearing the fierce conviction in his own voice, “it’s not gonna affect my opinion of you. I swear.”
Lillian looked over at him, a quick, flickering glance. Like she wasn’t sure she believed what she’d heard, and had to check to make sure. Cal looked back steadily.
Lillian was going to come out of this knowing that someone respected her, and believed she deserved better than what she’d gotten.
“She’ll treat me like a child,” Lillian said carefully, as though testing the truth of what he’d said.
“A woman who treats her adult daughter like a child is showing how little she knows, not how little you know,” Cal said. “I promise, Lillian. If she behaves badly, that reflects badly on her. Not on you.”
Lillian breathed in and out, and Cal could see the shakiness of it in the slightest shiver of her shoulders.
She was full of contradictions, he thought. So strong, proud, and confident—and yet there was this vulnerability hiding under the surface. So solidly practical and capable—and yet, from what she’d said about her ex, she’d been carried away by beauty, philosophy, and literature.
Most of what Cal had seen so far had been the outside layer of strength and practicality. He admired the hell out of it. But he also wanted to know what lay underneath.
Did Lillian show it to anyone, after her asshole ex had trampled all over it? Cal suspected not.
Show it to us, his leopard purred. She can show us all of herself. We’ll wrap it up, protect it, treasure it.
Cal reminded himself, and his presumptuous-as-hell leopard, that there was no guarantee Lillian would want to open up to him like that. And if she didn’t, well, he’d have to take himself on his way without getting what he wanted.
Because if there was one thing he did know, it was that this woman had had enough of people taking what they wanted from her.
They pulled up in front of a good-sized house in a nice part of town, and Lillian turned off the car. She took a slow, deep breath and turned to Cal. “Ready?”
“I promise you, Lillian,” Cal said, looking her right in the eye, “this isn’t going to cause a problem between us.”
She looked a little steadier at that. Or Cal flattered himself that she did, anyway.
The door to the house was already open, and an older woman was coming out the door. Cal could see her resemblance to both the sisters, but the lines on her face weren’t like those that were faintly starting to appear on Lillian’s. They were frown lines, lines of her forehead scrunching together and her eyes narrowing. This woman looked like her face naturally fell into an expression of judgment and dissatisfaction.
Right now, she was zeroing in on Lillian, as she came down the walk to meet her. Lillian was stepping out of the driver’s side with a resigned expression.
Cal got out of the car, came smoothly around to stand at Lillian’s side, and held out his hand as she approached. “Good morning, ma’am. My name is Cal Westland, and I’m a ranger over at Glacier National Park.”
Whatever diatribe the woman had been about to aim at Lillian fizzled and died as her attention redirected sharply to Cal.
“A park ranger?” she said. “What’s a park ranger doing here? And what do you have to do with the fact that my daughter didn’t come home last night?”
Lillian had been right. She was speaking as though “her daughter” was fifteen, not in her mid-thirties.
“I called you and let you know, Mom, remember?” Lillian intervened. “There’s been a problem and I’m going to be away for a couple of days. How about we go inside and we can talk about it.”
Mrs. Lowell’s eyes narrowed, but she allowed it. Cal noted that Lillian hadn’t actually promised to explain anything, only to talk about it—which was likely unavoidable anyway.
He had a feeling she was very, very used to playing these kinds of verbal games with her mother.
Inside, Lillian’s father was nowhere in sight. Mrs. Lowell turned on them immediately. “Now. Tell me what’s going on.”
“There’s been a problem with Lew, Mom,” Lillian said. “He needs some help. I have to leave for a couple of days while it gets sorted out.”
She kept moving as she spoke, heading for the stairs. Mrs. Lowell hurried up after her, with Cal following behind, again impressed at how Lillian, without ever lying, managed to sound like she was explaining the situation without giving up any real information.
“A problem with Lew?” Mrs. Lowell pressed. “What sort of problem? Why does he see the need to intrude on your life after two years? How many more problems can he even have to cause? And why on earth do you have to leave to take care of it?”
“It’ll just be easier, Mother,” Lillian said in a calm, patient tone. She’d opened a door into a simply-furnished room, unearthed an overnight bag from a closet, and begun to pack it. Cal politely turned his back; he doubted any woman wanted a man she’d just met watching her take out her underthings and personal items.
“Easier?” Mrs. Lowell repeated. “To deal with this problem without your family alongside you? Nonsense. Tell me what happened, and we’ll address it together.”
“I don’t want to get you involved, Mom.” Cal could see out of the corner of his eye that Lillian was packing with quick, efficient movements.
“I’m already involved, I’m your mother,” said Mrs. Lowell. Then she frowned suddenly, and her attention transferred from Lillian to Cal. “And who is this? Why does a park ranger ha
ve to be involved? Has Lew somehow caused some problems out in the wilderness?”
“He’s just helping me out, Mom,” Lillian said.
She was obviously so very, very practiced at this. Her voice was pleasant but bland. Her expression, when Cal had been looking at it, had been absolutely composed. She moved purposefully but without too much haste, so it was clear she was occupied but not that she was determined to get in and out of this house as quickly as she possibly could.
It was a masterful performance. And it made Cal’s chest ache. To have to keep up a face like this in your own home...to know that if you showed weakness, it would be pounced on, and if you put up a boundary, it would be trampled over. To maintain a constant performance just to be able to go about your life, and knowing that you would be imposed upon no matter what...
“I thought you were going to stop using that face cream,” Mrs. Lowell interrupted the argument abruptly. She snatched it out of Lillian’s hand. “That’s the kind I read the article about. It’s supposed to be bad for your skin, remember? You never remember the things I tell you, I keep saying you should see the doctor about your memory.”
Lillian said, “I’m sorry, Mom, I forgot. I’ll buy a different brand next time.”
It was funny. On the outside, that was the sentence of someone who was cowed, who obeyed her mother in all things. But Cal knew, because he was here at all, that Lillian didn’t. She was prioritizing. The face cream didn’t matter when put next to the larger matter at hand.
But it still meant that she was smiling and apologizing while her mother grabbed her things and accused her of being mentally deficient.
It took a strength Cal could barely envision. At least when you were overseas, you got to acknowledge to everyone else that it was awful. Here, Lillian had to smile and pretend that everything was just fine, even though she was deep in enemy territory, that much was clear. Undercover in her own life.
Help her, his leopard growled.