by Lisa Graves
“Fine.” I did my best to ignore her as I searched for a code worthy of my lie.
Ever since Elliott broke up with me, my heart seemed to have a little bit harder time beating. And here I was looking for a clever way to tell Nicholas we were officially dating. I think I might vomit.
Meredith put my Mickey Mouse waffle down on the table with the syrup. I ate another cracker.
“Lilly.”
“Fine.” I kept flipping through the pages. Each page was something different. There were: number codes, alphabet codes, symbols, invisible codes, word substitution, backwards mirror writing, reverse order messages, coding with every other letter, reverse alphabet, block ciphers, and on and on. When I took the last bite of my waffle, I turned the page onto morse code. It wasn’t the most sneaky way to hide a message, but its old school factor was tempting. I dog-eared the page.
“What’s that, Lil?”
“Oh, just some cool geeky history stuff. Some inventions in the early 1800s and such.” That was the only fact about morse code I’d noticed before I’d closed the book. It was created in 1835.
“Oh.” I knew she wasn’t going to fish for anymore information. My book wasn’t gossip or movie star related.
“Thanks for the waffle, mom.” I put my plate in the sink, and brought my remaining saltines and soda upstairs. I had some coding to do.
I tried to write Nicholas’s letter out in morse code twice before dinner. Each time it looked crappy. I couldn’t seem to keep my spacing even. If I couldn’t manage that, there wasn’t much chance of him reading it correctly. Dot dash (a) would be mistaken for dot dash dash dash (j) or dot dash dash dot (p). Maybe this wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be.
I stomped down to dinner.
“What’s up with you, Lilly Bug?”
“Nothing.”
Sophie totally had my back since breaking up with Elliott. “Give her a break, mom. I bet she’s just hungry.”
Meredith eyed us, one then the other, as she tried to figure out the source reason of our close alliance. My little sissy rocked.
Just before bed Sophie poked her head into my room. “So, Lil.”
“Yeah?”
“Anything I can do for you?”
“I’m good, Soph. Thanks though.”
“Alright.” She gave me a look that clearly stated she didn’t believe me. “Night, mom.”
“Goodnight.”
I was in a black and white world. There were morse code dots and dashes everywhere. I could even hear the beeping of secret messages all around me. It kind of reminded me of Tron. Maybe I was in a digital world, I thought. This has to be a dream.
All of a sudden it changed, and I was at school. There was a wrestling match taking place in the gym. The smell of sweat and the cheering of the crowd. But it was weird. Elliott and Nicholas were the two wrestling. On the podium was a mini-version of me as the trophy. I looked over to see that the cheering crowd was really only a few people. Cheering on Elliott were Oliver, Max, Claire, and Charlotte. And in Nicholas’s corner was another Nicholas, my mother, and Elliott.
This was too weird.
I looked at the fight. Elliott and Nicholas were both equally matched in size and strength. Elliott did seem to have the upper hand on Nicholas. But the wrestling Elliott noticed the cheering Elliott and was letting Nicholas win.
“What are you doing?” I tried to say to Elliott, but my voice wasn’t there. Instead all that came out was a string of beep beep boops, like I was speaking morse code.
When I opened my eyes to my bedroom, I lay back, confused and staring at the ceiling until the sunlight started to light up my room. That had to be the weirdest dream ever. And odder still was the fact that I don’t think I’d had a “normal” dream in months. I usually was projecting or reliving past life memories.
I really wasn’t digging “normal.”
But my subconscious did solve one thing for me. The curious black and white computer world where my dream began reminded me I had a computer. I so rarely turned it on that it hadn’t even occurred to me to type the dots and dashes. With it I could get them spaced correctly. Woot!
With the sun still not quite up, I sat at my desk with my letter and the book open to the morse code alphabet and dotted and dashed out Nicholas’s letter. It did feel like cheating. But at least the letter turned out awesome.
-. .. -.-. …. – .-.. .- …
-…— -.— . .- .-. … .— .- … … ..- .-. .—. .-. .. … .. -. —. -… ..- - -. .. -.-. . stop .- -. -.. -.— . … .. -.-. – -. … .. -.…-. -.— – ..- — -.— -… – -.— ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. -… ..- - .. -.. .-. .- - ……-. -.— – ..- -… . ……-. . - –- -.- .-.. .- .. — - …. . - .. - .-.. . stop .-.. – -. —. -.. .. … - .- -. -.-. . .-…-.. .- - .. – -. … …. .. .—. … -. . …- . .-. .— – .-. -.- – ..- - -. – - . …- . -. .. -. - …. . — – …- .. . … stop .. -.- -. – .— -.— – ..- .– ..- … - .-.….-. - -… ..- - .— …. . -. .- .-. . -.— – ..- —. – .. -. —. - – -.-. – — . / -… .- -.-. -.- .- -. -.. …- .. … .. - /stop .. …. – .—. . - – ……- .-. / ..-. .-. – — -.— – ..- – .-. / … . . -.— – ..- … – – -./ stop .-.. – …- . .-.. .. .-.. .-.. -.— / stop
Mwa! ha! ha! I giggled when it was all done. It looked really awesome. And difficult, even with a key. I am an evil genius!
I found an envelope in the top drawer of my desk, folded it up and sealed it in. I was excited to see what Nicholas would think of my letter. Both content and context. It probably was because I knew what his reaction was going to be when he finally had it decoded.
It still felt wrong.
I addressed it and found a random stamp in my desk, thank goodness. If I could mail this off without Meredith noticing, it was going to be a good day. I glanced out my window at the winter wonderland scene of my neighborhood, before wrapping my extra warm comforter around me to go out. Correction sneak out to the mailbox.
At the bottom of the stairs, I quietly put on some snow boots that were by the door, before running out and tucking my message to Nicholas in the mailbox and raising the flag. Back in, I quickly removed the snow shoe evidence and strolled into the kitchen like any other day.
Meredith was up, alert, and not fooled. “What you mailing, Lil?”
“Huh?” I tried to play dumb.
“The piece of paper you put in the mailbox?”
“Oh, that.”
She shook her head at me. “Who are you writing to?”
I walked over to the counter to burn myself a Pop-Tart. “Nicholas. Why?”
She smiled. “No reason.” I knew she was giving herself praise for the forced party the other night, and the midnight shenanigans that ensued.
Meredith couldn’t stop smiling and glancing at me every few seconds. I tried to ignore her. As soon as my breakfast was black, I took it into the living room to watch cartoons for a while. All I could do right now was wait anyway. And being Sunday, his letter wouldn’t even go out until tomorrow.
I did my best to watch the cartoons and not think about my dream. Especially how Elliott wanted Nicholas to win. I guess if Nicholas wins here, Elliott wins in the long run. But it still tripped me out to have Elliott cheering for his enemy.
I broke off pieces of the blueberry blackened goodness as I watched the television.
The next ten days were the strangest in my life. And I was good with weird. They weren’t the find-out-your-boyfriend-lives-on-another-plane sort-of peculiar, but they were slow then fast then slow again, and boring, and boy-less.
No Elliott. No Nicholas. And no letter.
Also time seemed to be messing with me. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were the longest days in existence. The butterflies in my tummy wouldn’t subside. And I knew the reason. I was waiting for Nicholas to get my letter.
I was waiting for the moment he read it. I knew it was going to change my life forever. Everything was going to be different. And even though I didn’t k
now what day he was going to get it, when Thursday night came around, I knew he had to have it by now. Time temporarily began to move at normal speed again. But only for that night.
Friday I awoke to a time warp. Everything was in fast forward. I couldn’t change what I’d done, and now I just had to wait and watch how life was going to unfold from here.
The whole entire morning was a blur, as with much of my school day. In the dark room, the black and white photography world reminded me of my morse code dream. Which then reminded me of the letter, leading to the fact that Nicholas must have read it by now, leaving me in the dark, waiting for him to turn on the light.
“I think that shot is ruined,” Drew stopped the rant of my thoughts.
“Huh?”
He looked at me like I was losing it. I probably was. “Turn off the light, Lilly.”
“Oh.” I switched off the light on the print I was trying to develop. Five seconds was usually adequate, I’m pretty sure I’d zoned and had the light on the paper for over a minute. I sighed and put the print into the developer anyway.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” The completely black piece of photo paper was floating in the chemicals. “Dammit.” I picked it out with the tongs and tossed it in the trash.
“So…”
“What, Drew?” I went back to my station to try and attempt it again. Focus Lilly. I placed a fresh piece of paper down and flipped on the switch.
“Are you dating that Nicholas kid?”
Butterflies were mating in my stomach like rabbits. There had to be a million in there. “I, uh…” I had no idea what to say. I bet he’d been working up to asking me this all week.
“Lilly?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Uh, Lil.”
“What?”
“You left the light on again.”
Shit! I hit the off switch and tossed the print straight in the trash. I started to gather my things. “I think I’m just going to go sit in the classroom. This isn’t working today.”
“Okay. I’ll see ya later.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I repeated as I went to sit down and try not to do any damage for the last twenty minutes of class.
“So is she dating Nic?” I heard Patrick ask Drew as we left the classroom.
“I guess,” Drew answered.
“Sorry, man.”
“It’s okay. She acted really weird when I asked her though. Maybe they aren’t serious.”
“Yeah. He doesn’t even live here. I bet you still have a chance, man.”
“Maybe.”
Neither of them realized I was walking right behind them. Thank frick’in goodness it was Friday.
Saturday morning crawled. It was like watching grass grow, or paint dry. Maybe both. And it all centered around one o’clock in the afternoon for that was what time the mailman usually came.
I sat in the living room after lunch, pretending to watch cartoons again, but I was really watching the window for the mail truck. Meredith sat down beside me just as the truck came into view.
“This is nice hanging out watching TV huh, Lil?”
The mailman was opening our mailbox.
“Sure, mom.”
“So much more social than reading.”
The mailman was putting something in our mailbox.
“Yep. Uh-huh.”
“How about we watch some cooking shows next. Maybe find something good to make for dinner?”
The mailman was driving away. I had to get to that box.
I waited for the show to be over to try and avoid suspicion. Never has eleven minutes lasted so long. I stood up the second it was over. “I actually have loads of homework, mom. Find something good though, kay?” I handed her the remote.
I waited in the kitchen until it sounded like she had found a show that she was sticking to before I snuck out to the mailbox. I knew she could see me from the couch, but TV usually held Meredith’s interest quite well. I was counting on it today.
The anticipation I felt as I reached the cold metal box was intoxicating. I needed to see what Nicholas’s response was to me finally giving in. I pulled down the front door to reveal a single white envelope. Baited breath, I took it out of the box, and that’s when I realized it. It was a bill.
Good feelings gone.
I came back in the rear kitchen door and tossed the offensive paper on the table. I tried not to show my disappointment, but I couldn’t help but be snippy with anyone who unfortunately came into contact with me.
Sunday was worse than death. I didn’t even have the mail delivery to look forward to. Time seemed to move so slowly that I wasn’t positive it was moving at all. I swear the clock was pretending not to work to spite me.
I was starting to notice that Meredith and Sophie were avoiding me. I was hanging out in the living room a lot more, trying to use TV as a distraction. It seemed to work well for other people. It wasn’t working for me.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were hell. My mind continued to run away from me. How could it not. Unchecked thoughts and endless amounts of time weren’t a good combination.
The only time of day that flew was the ten minute drive home from school. I would hurry to check the mail. And Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was greeted by the metal box with dashed hopes.
I dragged my book bag into the house. I plopped it down by the table, and myself into a chair. I’d really thought that Nicholas would write me back instantly. Of which I should be holding a frick’in letter by now! I huffed as I gave the clock a dirty look.
“Huffy again, Lilly Bug?”
I exhaled another irritated sigh.
“What’s the matter, Lil?”
I glared at my mother. “Nothing.”
“You’ve been acting like the world ended since New Years.”
I moved my death stare back at the clock. It was the real enemy.
“Miss Nicholas that much, huh?”
I looked back to her, confused. There was something weird in her voice.
“So how was school?”
Yep. There was definitely something “off.” I kept looking at her trying to figure out what it was. “School was fine.”
Meredith started to open the fridge and cabinets as she gathered ingredients to make dinner. I watched her. She was up to something.
“So. Are you and Nicholas official now?”
She was fishing. Fishing for information. But I couldn’t seem to shake that there was something she wasn’t telling me, so I played along.
“What would you say if we were?”
A smile flashed across her face. “Is that a yes?”
“Maybe.” I always thought it better to be a bit ambiguous.
She turned around to wash off some vegetables in the sink. “Oh, a letter came for you today.”
What! I looked around. “Where is it?”
“I’m pretty sure the postmark was from Oregon.”
Pretty sure my ass. I wouldn’t be surprised to have caught her holding it up to a lightbulb. She may have already. “Where is it?” I repeated.
She motioned with her head to the section of counter she had reserved for bills. “It came in the mail.”
I couldn’t help but hurry and look through the pile of envelopes and advertisements. Finally, there on the bottom, hidden below all my mother’s crap, was the letter I couldn’t wait to read. My heart started to race as I eyed the wax seal on the back.
“Aren’t you going to open it, Lil?” I hadn’t noticed Meredith peaking over my shoulder.
I folded it up and put it in my hoodie pocket. “Maybe later.”
“So you must be dating if you don’t want to open it in front of me,” she accused as she chopped onions.
“I..uh…no.” Technically it wasn’t a lie. I hadn’t read it yet. Until then there was no confirmation.
“Then open it.”
“Fine.”
Please be blank. Please be blank. I broke the wax seal and pulled out th
e white piece of paper. I couldn’t help but unfold it with a smile.
It was blank.
Meredith was watching over my shoulder. “I don’t get it.”
“Nicholas is a man of few words mom.” Te he he.
“It’s another blank piece of paper?”
Way to state the obvious, mom. “Yep.” I stuffed it back into my pocket. “I’m gonna go work on Calculus before dinner. I have a test tomorrow.”
She gave me a long questioning look. She didn’t believe me. “Alright, but dinner will be done in twenty minutes.”
I escaped to my room.
Chapter 17. Sweet Gravy Niblets
The flickering of the wax candle was the only light. It was a frigid seventeen degrees outside my window, and a pitch black night. But I was warm and happy. Cuddled up in my blanket, I warmed the letter and revealed my message. I checked and rechecked that I hadn’t messed up warming the paper. It was so short. All it said was:
I love you too! See you soon.
-Nicholas
Huh? There had to be more than that. See me soon. When soon? I needed more info. More details. I held it back up to the candle. I must have missed something. But no more words would appear. With a deep sigh I blew out the candle, feeling more frustrated than ever.
I tried not to, but I continued to be snippy at everyone and anyone that came into contact with me. I was still conflicted and annoyed that in order to be with Elliott, I had to first fall in love with Nicholas. And apparently, the friend sort of love I already felt for him wasn’t going to cut it.
His letter was less than helpful. I already knew he loved me. It was something I’d been working on stopping for the last six months. I just couldn’t seem to wrap my head and heart around the one-eighty I was forced to make.
Saturday morning I was alone in my room. I’d gone back to reading my art history book. At this particular moment in time, I was fed up with secrets.
See me when? I mumbled in my thoughts.
I was still pissed off. I huffed as I turned the page.
There was a knock at my door.
“What do you want?” I kept reading my book.
I didn’t even look up to see who my next victim was going to be as the door opened and someone walked into my room. “I want you, hoe. Grrrr.”