"Momma?" she croaked, turning her head to the side. As if out of a dream, her mother was by her side, face pale with worry and lack of sleep. Lauren couldn't help the tears that appeared in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.
"Oh baby," Lauren's mother whispered, "you're awake…we were so worried about you."
"What happened?"
"There was an earthquake," her mother explained, brushing the hair out of her face. "You were hit by a concrete beam. There was … they had to put you into a coma." Her mother's voice cracked. "I was afraid you weren't going to make it—"
Lauren closed her eyes and leaned back, mentally paying herself twenty dollars for the original bet. It was nothing but a coma dream after all.
And yet…it was real wasn't it? In her groggy mental state, she still felt different. She had experienced fear, love, and elation. She had walked across a fantasy world and she had spent half of it in the throes of anxiety and terror. She had faced a fire-breathing monster and…survived.
She'd survived.
"H-how long was I out?" Lauren asked.
"Just a day. I was so worried about you. It was like you were…"
"A day?" Lauren blinked, looking around her. Everything was so normal and yet it was strange.
"I'll have the doctors come check on you."
"Yeah, get some of these tubes off me too." Lauren cracked with a weak smile. "I feel like I'm in The Matrix over here."
"There's my girl." Her mother kissed her on the forehead and disappeared through the door.
Lauren smiled; she was home.
***
She was held in the hospital for a few more days for observation and didn't complain in the least, especially after taking an hour-long hot and steamy shower. Real or no, she felt like she'd spent a month taking river baths, and it was nice to stand under the hot water for a while.
A few of her work friends dropped by with flowers and well-wishes, telling her that the building was decimated, but she was the only one who was seriously injured. The insurance company was considering moving the operating headquarters somewhere cheaper to maintain, which meant that most of them would be receiving buy-outs. Even if they'd decided to rebuild locally, Lauren had already decided she was leaving the company.
"Whatever you want, honey," her mom said. Something about her reminded Lauren of Aerona, and she wondered if the latter woman ever dug up the nerve to make a move on Cefin.
"I kind of think I want to go back to school," Lauren continued. "Or do something else. Something that actually helps people."
"Yes, honey."
"And Mom," Lauren said, biting her lip. "I think…I think I need to see someone."
"What?" Her mom turned to look at her sharply. "What kind of someone?"
"I mean…I'm having a real hard time getting over…well…Josh."
"I know, darling. I could tell."
Lauren was strongly reminded of Aerona and the feeling of relief when she finally came clean about the things that had been weighing on her. All of her fears and panic felt like wasted energy.
"I just…never wanted anyone to worry about me," Lauren said. "But you know, it really hurts. And I'm ready to admit that I can't get past it on my own." She remembered what the Anghenfil said, all of the fears it had dredged up. "There's a lot of stuff I can't seem to get past on my own."
"Sometimes the strongest thing we can do is to ask for help, darling."
Lauren nodded, and looked at her necklace lying on the table beside her. She hadn't put it on since she'd awoken, and wasn't sure she ever would again. For as long as she'd held onto it as an anchor when she was in Rhianu, now she felt moored within her own soul.
There was a knock at the door and Lauren heard her heart monitor spike.
Josh stood in the doorway. Familiar and foreign at the same time, he held a bouquet of flowers and wore an apprehensive look on his face. For the first time since she woke, her anxiety made a roaring return.
"I'll…leave you to it," Lauren's mother said, disappearing through the door.
"Hey," Lauren said, after the initial shock wore off. She was shaking and nervous but resisted the ever-present urge to run away. After all, she'd faced the Anghenfil; Josh was small potatoes compared to that. "Come on in."
"Hi," he said, walking into the room. He shoved the bouquet at her, which she took gently and placed on the table next to her. "Are you okay?"
She almost answered in the affirmative, as she had always done, but that was something the old Lauren would have done, and that's how she ended up in a fantasy land with the Anghenfil in her head. She spotted her necklace again and remembered the warmth and strength she found in it.
Terrified, shaking, nervous and against all of the screaming voices in her head, she answered, "You know, I'm not okay."
"Do you need me to get a nurse or—"
"No, physically, I'm fine," Lauren said. "But…ever since we broke up, I've been telling everyone that I'm fine when I'm really not. I've been lying to everyone, including myself."
Josh sat back a bit, unsure of what to do or say.
"You know, I knew we needed to break up two years ago," she said. This was one of the most forbidden of the forbidden thoughts, kept locked away by fear and stubbornness. "I knew it the first time we talked about getting married. Do you remember? We were in the old apartment, and we stood in the living room and I asked you if we were going to get married. I knew right then that we needed to end it, but…I was too afraid."
She could no longer look at him, instead focused on her feet.
"I tried to tell myself I was afraid of losing you, but I was actually afraid that no one else would love me. Of all the things I was afraid to admit, that's the one that I was the most afraid of." She took a deep breath. "So I pretended that things were better than they were, and I turned you into someone that you aren't. I convinced myself that if I just waited long enough, you'd come to your senses or whatever and we'd ride off into the sunset or something." She laughed softly. She'd done the same thing to poor Cefin, and he was actually a knight in shining armor. "Even after we broke up, I spent every day waiting for you to 'snap out of it' and come home to me. And it's been completely terrible, let me tell you." Again, she laughed at herself and all the misery she had put herself through. "But I've finally come to realize that holding onto the past because I'm afraid of the future isn't a way to live, you know?
"I'm still scared. I'm scared to date again, I hate the idea of you dating someone else. I'm scared that you'll love her more than you loved me…" She trailed off, the pain palpable. "But maybe that's okay. Maybe that's why we aren't together anymore, because you and I both deserve someone who is better for us than we ever were. And I just need to let go of what we had so I can find happiness." She felt two tears slip down her cheeks. "And I have to believe that I'll find that happiness."
She finally felt brave enough to look at him and was unsurprised to see him surveying her like she was certifiably insane.
She laughed, feeling more at peace than she had in years. "Look, that's a lot of words to say that I'm not okay, but that's okay. I've obviously got a lot of stuff to work through…and I don't want you to worry about me, all right?" She cleared her throat and cracked a smile. "So how about them Jets, huh?"
***
Lauren was discharged from the hospital that same afternoon, the doctors saying that she was going to make a full physical recovery within a few weeks. Lauren, however, made sure to get several recommendations for local therapists and made an appointment. She knew that it was going to be a very long road until she was at a point where she was completely out of the darkness, but these first few steps felt good, kind of like clearing the tyllwyllwch from a dark cave.
The nurse was in the room giving her final directions for care and check-in, when another girl was wheeled into the room, no older than sixteen.
Lauren locked eyes with her and was struck with the familiarity of the eyes, the curls, the face, and the sadness. Th
e other girl, as well, was taken aback at the sight of Lauren.
"My apologies, Miss Dailey," the nurse wheeling the bed said. "I thought you had already been discharged."
"Just about to leave," Lauren said, unable to tear her eyes away from Cassidy. The girl she'd seen in her visions in Rhianu. The girl who the last time she saw had aged fifty years and was known as Owena.
And Cassidy was staring right back at Lauren as if the same thing ran through her mind.
"Do you two know each other?" the nurse asked.
"N-no," Lauren said, sliding into the wheelchair and breaking eye contact. "Just leaving."
Lauren's nurse wheeled her out of the room, and she threw one last look back to Cassidy, spying her mother and father waiting outside. She remembered them from Cassidy's vision, although they seemed haggard-looking. They spoke to each other in strained, hushed tones, as if neither wanted the other to be here right now.
"Well she's your problem, Martha."
"You're the one who gave her the pills, Dave."
"Hang on," Lauren said. With a mighty heave, she pulled herself to standing and walked back into the room.
Cassidy looked up at her, shocked.
"Listen," Lauren said, cutting Cassidy off before she could speak. She walked over to the hospital pad and jotted down her number. "Before you even think about doing something like that ever again, I want you to call me. You call me, and you talk to me, understand?"
Cassidy took the paper wordlessly. Lauren leaned down and enveloped her into a hug.
"I know what it's like to suffer in silence," Lauren whispered. "And I know what it's like to feel like you can't talk to anyone about your problems. So the next time you feel like no one is there for you, and you're drowning, you call me."
Cassidy swallowed.
"I'm here for you," Lauren said. She pulled out her necklace from her pocket and looked at it. Cassidy eyed it as well with the familiarity that came with wearing it for a long time. "I don't know where we were or if I made it all up in my head, but…" She wrapped her hand around the necklace and reached out to touch Cassidy's hand.
Even made up things can be real. But they can also be defeated.
Lauren lifted her hand and smiled at Cassidy, who was smiling right back.
And as Lauren left the hospital, she took in the beautiful late summer day and knew she was going to be just fine.
Note from the Author
New Years' Eve in 2013, I hit my rock bottom. I spent the night curled in a tiny ball, crying my eyes out and drowning in silent misery. Even though I was so far in my own darkness, I continued to pretend to everyone—including myself—that I was fine. I only had my heart broken; what was that in the scope of the rest of the world's problems?
After a conversation with a family friend who likened my broken heart to major surgery, I finally gave myself permission to ask for help. That one decision started a chain reaction leading to the rediscovery of my love of writing and finding the bravery to "come out" as an author. One year later, you have my third published book in your hands.
Funny how that works, huh?
During my so-called quarter-life crisis, I realized how much I had let fear guide my decisions. Once I noticed that fear, and realized that it was unfounded, I made drastic decisions about my career, my life, and my priorities as a human being. And yes, I was scared to make these changes—hell, I'm still scared—but I did it anyway.
This book was the hardest thing I have ever written, because I had to share the parts of myself that I am not very proud of. But my hope is that if you are silently suffering, if you think your problems aren't important, if you think nobody cares—you're wrong. And perhaps, through Lauren, you might have found the courage to face your own dragons.
You are braver than you think, stronger than you could ever imagine, and aren't in this alone.
/S.
Acknowledgements
As always, thank you to the reader for reading all the way to the end. You are my sunshine, and you make me happy when skies are gray—or burning from a fire-breathing Anghenfil. Thank you for going on this personal journey with me. If you are so inclined, please consider leaving a review on your favorite bookstore website.
Because this book was so hard to write, a special thanks go to some amazing beta readers who helped me to center and focus. Michelle, Robyn, Wendy, and Nikki—I bow my head in gratitude. Thank you for giving me the warm fuzzy that I wasn't completely insane (or more so than usual) and for helping me buff out the rough edges.
Thanks also go to Gina, my line-editor extraordinaire, for taking a fine-toothed comb through this book. When writing through incredible pain and anxiety, we tend to forget our grammar rules. It was such a relief to hand this jumbled mess over to you for your expert opinion and guidance. I've said it before, and I'll say it a third time: You are my hero.
Cassondra, my darling-drawer-of-my-dragon: I am honored to showcase your magnificent work on such a personal book. You have such a bright future and I can't wait to see what is next for you. I love you, baby girl, and I am so proud of you.
Finally, a word for Adam: If you made it this far, as Peter would say, "You are a troopah." Thanks for the memories and six-and-a-half years of true bliss. But now, I think I can finally say goodbye.
Also by S. Usher Evans
The Razia Series
Lyssa Peate is living a double life as a planet discovering scientist and a space pirate bounty hunter. Unfortunately, neither life is going very well. She's the least wanted pirate in the universe and her brand new scientist intern is spying on her. Things get worse when her intern is mistaken for her hostage by the Universal Police.
The Razia Series is a five-book space opera series and is available now for eBook and paperback.
Double Life
Alliances
Conviction
Fusion
Beginnings - Coming June 2016
The Madion War Series
He's a prince, she's a pilot, they're at war. But when they are marooned on a deserted island hundreds of miles from either nation, they must set aside their differences and work together if they want to survive.
The Island is the first in a new fantasy romance trilogy and is available for preorder in eBook, paperback, and hardcover.
About the Author
S. Usher Evans is an author, blogger, and witty banter aficionado. Born in Pensacola, Florida, she left the sleepy town behind for the fast-paced world of Washington, D.C.. There, she somehow landed jobs with BBC, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Television before finally settling into a "real job" as an IT consultant. After a quarter life crisis at age 27, she decided consulting was for the birds and writing was the bee's knees. She sold everything she owned and moved back to Pensacola, where she currently resides with her two dogs, Zoe and Mr. Biscuit.
Evans is the author of the Razia series, Empath, and the Madion War Trilogy, all published by Sun's Golden Ray Publishing.
Check her out in her internet home
http://www.susherevans.com/
Or on Twitter
@s_usherevans
Want to know the latest from S. Usher Evans? Sign up for her newsletter.
Empath Page 21