by AJ Matthews
Seriously hot.
Resting his forehead against mine, he breaks the kiss leaving both of us hardly able to catch our breaths. “Missed you,” he pants. “Went to the jetty. You weren’t there. I called your mom. She gave me Amanda’s number to help me look. Which, if you liked girls, she’s a good choice.”
“I know,” I answer him, still so confused I’m not sure how else to answer.
“Good thing for me you don’t like girls.” Then he grants me one of his Ridley Smiles. “Did I lose my chance? I mean, do you still want to talk it out, to be my boyfriend?”
“Shit, Rid. I’ve been going crazy without you these past two weeks. Yes I want to talk it out. You honestly think I could stop loving you because you sent me away? You’re my boyfriend. The only one I want. The only one, got me?”
“Call me babe.”
My turn to smile. “Okay, babe.”
“I’ve been thinking. I will talk, tell you what happened. But would it be good if we just hang out tonight? Maybe make up for the two weeks we were apart? We can play MLB or watch a movie. And order pizza.”
“Make out?” I ask, wriggling my eyebrows.
“That too. I love how you feel. I was stupid.”
“None of that. We’re in a good place, right?”
Ridley kisses me again for his answer. Softer this time. Before we leave he calls Amanda to tell her we’re going. She’s totally cool. We make plans to meet up tomorrow.
Chapter Seven
My parents and sisters have left for the day. Ridley knew it. Apparently my mother made sure to tell him in Rid’s words, “like fifty times” before he hung up with her to call Amanda.
My mother, the matchmaker. Repairing relationships far and wide.
Really though, I can’t deny I’m glad they’re gone. Rid and I need some just Rid and Leif time.
We’d stopped off to grab a couple of pizzas on the way home. A couple bottled waters in hand later and we’ve found ourselves upstairs in my room, sprawled across my bed. I put a movie on my laptop.
Rid doesn’t talk much while he eats. Not that he’s so into the movie, but more he has something on his mind he’s not sure how to approach. He has one of the most expressive faces on a man I’ve ever seen. It’s cute. And right now, it’s annoying.
When I can’t take the tension any longer I ask, “What is it babe?”
He won’t look me in the eye but doesn’t hesitate to answer. “Do you ever get curious?” he asks me.
“Curious?”
“How it all works?”
“How what works, Rid?”
“You know, sex.” He whispers the last word like he’s worried someone other than me might hear him.
“Babe, I think what we’ve already done constitutes sex.”
“I know. But…”
But he’s talking about the big show. Wow. “Yeah. I get curious. There’s no rush though. We’ll get there when we get there.”
“Have you ever watched movies where guys do that?”
“Do you mean porn?”
Ridley doesn’t speak, but answers me with his Ridley Smirk.
“Sure I have,” I tell him. Honesty’s the best policy with him, I’ve derived by our breakup. Even if not a lie but an omission. “Especially when I had to pretend I liked girls. I needed something to conjure up in my mind so Amanda wouldn’t get suspicious. Haven’t you?”
“No. My mom put parental controls on the internet so I couldn’t go to any sites I shouldn’t.”
Of course she did.
The man is almost twenty.
When our movie ends I go to one of my favorite free porn sites and cue up what looks like a good video. Ridley watches intently, like he’s mentally taking notes. There are sexy grunts and groans coming through the speakers but the movie’s not what interests me, keeping my eyes fixed on Rid biting his bottom lip. He’s on his belly, chin propped up on his hands. His knees are bent, ankles crossed in the air.
Watching him, I wish so badly to be a fly on the wall inside his brain. To see how he processes what he’s seeing on the screen. Is it turning him on? The movie does nothing for me. Watching Ridley watch the movie does everything for me.
About half way through the video he turns to me. “Those men are hot,” he says very automated. No inflection to his tone. “I like seeing them naked. But…” (inflection back) “I like seeing you naked more. Seeing those guys doesn’t make me feel at all how you make me feel.”
“I’m glad you think so. They don’t make me feel the way you do, either.”
“Can we make out? Do that other stuff which constitutes sex, because I’d really like to see you naked again. And um…take you in my mouth. I liked doing that for you.”
“Depends,” I answer. His brow furrows. Again with the cute.
“On what?”
“On if you’ll let me take you in my mouth too.”
His answer surprises me. Not one of his communication smiles or even a direct answer to what I’d just said. Ridley answers me, a look of all the seriousness in the world directed right on his face. “I’m glad I fell in love with you.” Then just as abruptly, whips his shirt up over his head. Bare chest on display. With all that luscious, peaches and cream skin only inches away as a distraction, he impatiently prods me, “Well… come on. We have lost make out time to make up for.”
Yes we do.
Quite a bit later after we both happily expended energy and body fluids, a few times, we’re lying naked in my bed. He has me tucked up under his arm, drawing light circles with the tip of his index finger over my abs. The action tickles as much as it feels good.
The best part of the whole evening is not having to hurry to dress. Getting to lie in each other’s arms. A foreshadow of how life will be once he gets to school with me.
“Gabe came to talk to me.” These are the words he chooses to break the silence of our time together. I hate the mention of Gabe while we’re naked in my bed together. It feels wrong. But I don’t tell him that.
Instead I choose, “I figured.” Seeing as besides me and Gabe, no one else knew about us at the jetty, and he’d told Rid not to say anything.
“He told me stuff. About you. About how to make you happy in bed.”
“Babe, listen to me. Anything you do will make me happy in bed because it’s you doing it. Gabe doesn’t know me like you do.”
“Maybe not. But when I asked him how he knew that stuff about you, he said because he had you. At the jetty. At our jetty. He warned me, said I wasn’t special. That you take all your men there. He said it, all your men, Leif.”
“Babe.” Is all I can think to say. Sucking in a deep breath through my nose to check my temper. I’m not mad at Rid. I’m furious with freaking Gabe Cera for putting asinine ideas in his head in the first place.
“I know there have been other men in your life. I’m not stupid. I just thought or at least I wanted to be special to you.”
“Ridley. You listen good. You are special to me. I’ve messed around with exactly four guys in my life. Including you. Gabe was one. I had a boyfriend for several months at school. One other guy and you. That’s it. And I never loved any of them. Not even my boyfriend of five months. Only you.”
“But Gabe said—”
“Who you gonna trust, me or Gabe? He went with me to the jetty once Rid. Once. And that summer, after I graduated, brought one other guy there. It’s the most private place for someone who’s not ready to come out. Usually when I go, it’s to think. And that’s why I brought you, because it’s my special place to think. But I didn’t know you’d give me you that night. Gabe showed up there, after you sent me away. He told you that shit because he wanted what you have. I turned him down.”
“You turned him down? We were broken up.”
“I turned him down. You might have broken up with me, but I was still very much with you.”
“So the jetty is our place now?”
“It’s our place. Only ours. But uh…what if someone
saw us kissing in the park?”
“I won’t flaunt us in my mom’s face yet. But I’m done hiding. We are together. I’m proud we’re together. If Mom can’t see that, I don’t know what to tell her. Those two weeks without you were horrible, Leif. Horrible.”
Well, that’s that. Ridley decides to end the conversation by rolling over pinning me to the bed. His lips press against my throat. Up to my jaw, then finally he reaches my lips.
I’m sure things are about to get good again when my phone rings at the same time his does too.
My call, my mom: “Hey sweetheart, just wanted to let you know we’re about fifteen minutes out from home.” The only reason she’d call today of all days is to make sure the family doesn’t catch us in a naked clinch, like we are now. Good call mom.
Ridley’s call, his mom: “Rid, where are you?”
“I’m with Leif.”
She still talks louder than necessary into the receiver. I’m trying to get off the phone with my mom. “Okay,” I tell her, “I’ll see you when you get here.” And I hang up right away because Rid’s mom. Damn that bitch. “Leif? I thought you ended that friendship.”
“I was wrong.”
“Well, I think it’s for the best.”
“Mom, you don’t get a say. I’ll talk to you at home.” He hangs up on her.
Taking control of his life? That’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen. “Holy shit, Rid. You standing up to your mom was so hot and we can’t do a thing about it because my folks are almost home.”
“Six weeks,” he reminds me through one of his Ridley Smiles even as he pushes up from the bed to dress. “Six weeks, we’ll be home free.”
“I can’t wait to wake up next to you babe.”
Wouldn’t be what most people choose to end the kind of conversation we just had with, but for us, it’s the best thing I could’ve said. Not that I don’t have a litany of things to say about his mother. I’ll be the bigger man and keep them to myself for now.
For now my only job, to reassure him that we’re on the same page.
We’re downstairs in the family room, fully dressed and totally engrossed in a game of MLB on the PlayStation when we hear the family walk in.
“Hey Mom, Dad,” I call from my spot on the floor with my back resting against the sofa. Rid next to me. We moved the coffee table so we have room to sit with bent knees. Arms resting against our bent knees with controllers in hand. Nothing about the scene suggests that fifteen minutes before we’d been naked in each other’s arms after haven gotten one another off not long before that.
“Hey sweetheart.” Mom walks into the family room. “Everything good?”
I look at her and smile. “Yeah, everything’s great.”
She lets it go. There’s this special something that passes between us. I’m not sure what to label it as, but I just know, especially seeing and dealing with Ms. McAllister, how damn lucky I am to have her for my mom.
“Hi, Ridley. Good to see you again. I hope it’ll be more often,” she offers.
“Hello Mrs. Fraser. It’s good to be here. I’m sorry I’ve been absent. My mom…she’s well…”
Mom holds up her hand to stop him right there. “I get it. Leif has explained everything. And we’re all adults here, so it’s Cassie, Ridley. You can call me Cassie.” Then she squats down so she’s face to face with Rid. “If you need me to talk to your mom, I’d be happy to. It’s what I do.” Then she reaches out, squeezes his shoulder briefly and stands to walk back out to wherever she’s going in the house.
Only I would recognize the smile still playing across his lips is because she told him we’re all adults here. His mother treats him like a child, my mother tells him we’re all adults. The one thing Ridley craves. Well, the one thing besides me, that is.
Chapter Eight
July
We were going to hang out with Amanda today but she got the opportunity from Caitlin, Gabe’s girlfriend, to go see some concert out of town. I told her to go, we’d catch up later. So that leaves Rid and I to spend the day together since it’s his day off and his mother is at work.
I’m looking inside the refrigerator trying to figure out something for us to eat for lunch when Rid walks up behind me and tags my hand from the door. “Come with me,” he says.
It’s still hard to believe this is the same man I met in full-blown meltdown mode just weeks ago. Even if he’s not quite there with other people, Ridley looks me in the eye more times than he doesn’t. He shows his confidence with me more times than he doesn’t.
Rid leads me up the stairs and inside his bedroom. I’ve been in here a hundred times since we’ve started hanging out, but never alone while his mother’s at work. Today he shuts the door and locks it. Not sure what’s going on, but the one thing I concentrate on is that I kind of can’t believe his mother let him keep a lock on his door.
He tugs my hand to get my attention. “What’s going on?” I ask.
“My mom is gone.”
“Yeah. I know.”
His ears turn a bright red as he drops my hand, dropping his hands to his sides, rigid. Open. Close. Open. Close. Whatever it is must be serious. He hasn’t done the open and close thing for a while. Not since our break up.
“I… I want to be with you,” he says matter-of-factly. Yes. Matter-of-factly. I cock my head to try to look him in the eyes. Shit. Now I’m really scared. Does he regret what we did yesterday? God help me, what if he wants to break up again? Please don’t let it be that. We just got back together.
“You are with me,” I say back, not sure what else to say.
My heart is beating out of my freaking chest. It hurts to breathe.
Open. Close.
Open. Close.
“No,” he tells me. “I want to be with you like in that movie we watched yesterday.”
Open. Close.
Open. Close.
The man lays it out for me, all I can think is oh, thank Christ. He’s not breaking up with me. Though we just watched that movie. He’d never even seen gay porn before. I don’t think he’s seen hetero porn before. I love him and I’d be willing to wait for as long as he needs to go there.
“You mean you want to take it to the next level?”
Open. Close.
Open. Close.
I’m so proud of him. How hard on him to take charge. But he does take charge, keeping his fists closed he looks in my eyes. “Yes,” he whispers.
I walk over and drop on his bed. “You sure?”
“You’re my boyfriend. Gabe asked me if we’d gone this far yet.”
“That’s none of his business, you know.”
“I know. But I told him no.” Now he looks away from me like he thinks he’s in trouble. I’m going to lose him here. Open. Close. Open. Close. “He said that’s what you do with a boyfriend.”
“Do you want to do this because Gabe said you should?”
His fists stay closed and he looks me in the eyes again, “No.”
No.
“It’s what people in love do. How they show love for just that person.”
I can’t help but smile. “Yes. You’re right. It is.”
“So do you want to? With me?” he asks, so unsure. How could he be unsure? How could he think I wouldn’t want to?
“Yes,” I whisper back, my insides dissolving into a soft jelly consistency as he stands in front of me looking expectantly on what? For me to make the first move? We should talk it out first. Neither of us have done this before.
Ridley moves to lie down next to me, his legs bent at the knees hanging over the side of the bed, feet resting on the floor. He twists his torso, propping himself up on his elbow to look at me. God, he’s beautiful. A beautiful, beautiful man. I open my mouth to speak but Rid beats me to it.
“I, uh, walked to the store last night,” he says, surprising the hell out of me. “After you brought me home, after my mom fell asleep.”
“The store?” I ask. “What store?”
&
nbsp; “You know, the store that sells toys and movies and stuff?” Holy shit! A sex shop? Ridley walked to a sex shop after I dropped him off at home. “The guy behind the counter hooked me up. Though…” Rid looks away. Pauses and then continues, “I had to tell him the kind of sex I was into so he could help.”
“Babe, you should have waited. I’d have gone with you.”
“I know but I, um, I had to do it by myself. To prove that I could do it. Does that make sense?”
“Makes perfect sense.” Then to let him off the hook I move us to new topic territory, “What did you get?”
He rolls over to the table beside his bed and pulls a bag from the crack between the table and bed. Upturning the bag, a bottle of UltraGlide lube, a box of condoms and a couple of toys fall in between us.
“He says we should start with the toys a little first. Then um, move to the next step.”
“Okay. What else did he say?”
Rid bites his lip. “That it’ll probably hurt the first time, but the pain won’t last. That a little of this lube goes a long way and that we’ll have to decide who’s on bottom, who’s top, or if we’re willing to switch. He said he’s vers. Short for versatile. That means someone who gives and takes.”
I’m well acquainted with the term, having had a boyfriend for five months last year and hanging with a mostly gay contingent among my friends and classmates. I just wasn’t ready to let that boyfriend show me his versatility. Ridley though? I can’t wait.
“Since neither of us has been here before, I think we should try both positions to see what works best for us individually and as a couple,” Rid says, finally.
“Sure. Sounds like a plan. You’ve really given this a lot of thought. I’m proud of you, you know?” And I am, so damn proud of him. I think I’d let Ridley do just about anything right now. His mother continues to treat him like a child, but he’s more adult than almost any adult his age I know. Asking questions when he doesn’t understand something instead of winging it and hoping for the best. Thinking major life decisions through before taking the step. What we’re about to do is a major life decision. Once done, there’s no going back. We’ve done it.