“It’s okay, Beau,” she said, placing her hand on my shoulder. “It’s actually kinda nice to see ya lettin’ your walls down for someone.”
“You’re sure ya don’t mind?” Not that it would change anythin’ if she did. It just felt like the right thing to ask. Cass’s statement confirmed that she believed I felt more for Phoebe than I ever had for her. It was accurate, but I didn’t wanna hurt Cass with that knowledge.
She shook her head and gave a sad little smile. “Do I wish things coulda been different? Maybe. You’re quite the catch, Beauregard Miller.” She winked at me before laughing. “Sure it mighta been nice to have ya look at me like that, to kiss me like that, but I ain’t the one ya want. I can’t begrudge your happiness just ’cause you and me ain’t ever gonna work.”
“You’re too good to me, Cass.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “Says the man puttin’ an unemployed, soon-to-be single mother up for the duration of her pregnancy.”
“That’s just plain common decency, that is. ’Sides, I already told you, you take the room as long as you need. Keep it twelve months or more if ya gotta.”
Her hand enclosed mine as we headed toward my house. “Phoebe is a lucky gal.”
She had it all backward, so I shook my head. “I’m the lucky one.”
“I may be biased, but I’d say it’s about even. Where’s she goin’ anyways?”
“She’s got a promo shoot and interview with the Racing Hub team. They’re doin’ a special feature, showin’ off all the up-and-comers ’head of the first race.” I hadn’t let on to Phoebe that I knew as much about it as I did. In fact, it was possible I knew more than she did. “She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s gonna be the main event of the show.”
Cass grinned at me. “And of course, you had nothin’ to do with their decision?”
I shrugged as I moved toward the front door. “Despite the way things were between us, even I had to admit the girl can drive. She’s got this way with vehicles . . .” I trailed off as I pictured her straddled over her bike last summer.
The way she floated the beauty from corner to corner even with my weight behind her. And each time she’d taken the stock car out for a spin, her times had gotten better and better. Given a few years to fully mature into her own style, she’d likely be unbeatable—even in a car she’d called back-to-front to tease me in the moments before climbin’ into the boat with me a few days earlier.
“Earth callin’ Beau,” Cass teased.
“Sorry, I just—”
“You love her.”
The words sent my heart lappin’ around my body, but only because they were pure perfection. “That I do.”
“So when’s she comin’ back?”
A grin crossed my lips as I thought about her promise. “Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Cass’s hands went to her hips and she narrowed her eyes at me. “Why didn’t ya go with her?”
“There’s too much to do here, you know that, Cass.”
“A day outta it all wouldn’t a made no difference.”
She was makin’ too much sense, and I didn’t wanna listen to it. Besides, there was another reason I hadn’t gone with Phoebe. “She didn’t ask me to go with her neither.”
“Oh. I woulda thought—” She cut off. “Never mind.”
“Woulda thought, what?”
“Just that she mighta invited ya to go with her.”
“Well she didn’t,” I snapped, unwillin’ to admit how much that simple fact stung.
Cass raised her hands in surrender. “Are ya ready to face your jobs for today?” Cass asked, pointin’ to my front door.
It was a reminder of what waited inside—wadin’ through childhood memories and relivin’ years of regret over what happened to Abby while I was in control of the vehicle. All the pieces of me that had held together while I had Phoebe around fell apart again, leavin’ gapin’ holes in their wake. My heart seized and ached, longin’ to feel somethin’ other than the pain again.
The thought of more paperwork, more heartbreak, and more pain was too much to bear. “Actually, Cass, I’d rather just be alone.”
“But—”
“I said I wanna be alone.”
She splayed her hands and backed away. “Okay, okay, don’t need to tell me twice.”
“Clearly I do.”
“I hope Phoebe hurries back,” she muttered just loud enough for me to hear. “’Cause I don’t wanna have to put up with your ornery self again for too long.”
DESPITE SENDIN’ Cass away, I hadn’t expected the sorrow to flood in so completely. Without company for most of the day, I had nothin’ to keep me focused on what I needed to do—and instead focused on the bottle. I longed for Phoebe to be back. Without her beside me, grief crept back in.
When grief returned, it brought doubt and fear, especially when I hadn’t let Phoebe say the words I needed to hear.
Why had I insisted she keep them locked up until she returned to me? I knew how short life could be. How quickly everythin’ could change. One day, Phoebe and I had been happy, and then we weren’t. How easily could we go back there?
What if we were still there?
What if I’d imagined everythin’? What if she hadn’t really meant it when she’d said she was comin’ back? What if it wasn’t “I love you” that she’d wanted to say? I hadn’t received anythin’ more than a text message from her to say she’d arrived at the shoot safely.
I went to my bedroom and opened my closet. Taped to the back of the door was a strip of photo booth photos of Phoebe and me from the Fun Spot. It was the safest place in the house because the room was locked whenever the house was rented out.
As I stared at the photo of Phoebe, I thought of our day together. It was branded in my brain, and those few photos took me right back there. Even back then, the first time I’d spotted her across the lot after our teasin’ on the phone, I’d been certain what we shared was somethin’ more than what I’d felt for anyone else. That day, and the night that followed, proved it.
“You will come back soon, won’t ya, darlin’?” I asked as I trailed my finger over her face in the photo. She didn’t know it, but she was gonna be the guest of honor at my birthday party in a couple of days. It was somethin’ I’d arranged durin’ the day, and I was gonna surprise Phoebe with the news when she came back. When we could talk properly, like we’d promised each other we would.
A little after dinner, I tried callin’ her number, but only got through to her voice mail. I tried to convince myself it was just ’cause she was havin’ an early night so she could come back sooner the next mornin’.
Certain the new day would bring her back to me, I crawled into bed as early as I could. In my stomach, doubt twisted mercilessly, warnin’ me that somethin’ was wrong. That maybe Cass was right and I shoulda gone with Phoebe. I tried to do what I could to ignore it because the only person who could alleviate the sensation was miles away.
I WOKE a little after midnight with a smile on my lips. From the time I’d crawled into bed, my dreams had been filled with memories of Phoebe. In particular, the day we’d spent together at home, and takin’ Abby out for her evenin’ stroll played behind my eyes. The sense of peace that washed over me when I’d woken was proof in my mind that Abby was givin’ her approval.
She was lettin’ me know Phoebe was the one.
As if I didn’t know that already.
I settled back to sleep, ready for more of the same sort of dreams. Only, I wasn’t so lucky. The rest of my night was filled with Max’s words, him tellin’ me about the way he traced his fingers over her birthmark. With Phoebe’s voice tellin’ me there were others. Her tellin’ me she wanted Xavier and not me. Me spittin’ words of hate back at her until I chased her away.
The next time I woke, I was shakin’ and coated with a sheen of cold sweat. My heart, barely recovered from Abby’s death, ached at the doubt instilled in me by the nighttime whispers.
I gave up on try
in’ to sleep a little after six. First, I went for a walk down to the pier and stood where Phoebe and I had sat just a couple of days earlier, the mornin’ before Abby’s funeral. When that made me more desperate than ever to talk to Phoebe, I gave up and headed back inside to shower and get ready for a mornin’ of hard work. If I did everythin’ I needed first thing, then I would have the whole afternoon free to be with Phoebe when she arrived.
Around eight, Mitch and Joe called me up to our informal office in the restaurant kitchen. They spent the next little while runnin’ through facts and figures, and plans for the upcomin’ months. From the outside, it probably looked like a normal business plannin’ meetin’, but I could see right through the two brothers. They were tryin’ to keep me occupied. Tryin’ to keep my mind off Phoebe and Abby, and everythin’ else. Not that it worked. My gaze still slid to the clock on the wall more times than it normally would.
When it hit ten and she still hadn’t called, I started to pace. I’d expected her to be on the road already by then, but we hadn’t exactly discussed firm plans, so I didn’t know for sure. All I could hope was that she was rushin’ straight to me and hadn’t bothered to call first. I hadn’t wanted to call her in case she’d decided to have a sleep in after the week she’d had.
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. Mitch and Joe exchanged knowin’ glances before lookin’ away. I just shook my head and smiled at their attempts at subterfuge. The two of them were the most decent guys I’d ever known; they didn’t have a dishonest bone in their bodies and every emotion was right on display 24-7.
After grabbin’ my cell, I turned my back on them.
“Howdy, darlin’,” I answered with a smile on my lips as I walked away from the meetin’. “When can I ’spect ya back here today?”
“Beau.” Her voice was strained. “I’m s-s-sorry.”
Her tone froze me in place and turned my blood to ice. It sounded like she was cryin’. What’d happened? “What’s wrong?”
“I know I said I was coming back to you, but I’m not. I can’t. I—I’m leaving.”
All the fears from the dreams I’d had that mornin’ twisted through me.
“Phoebe, what’re ya talking about?” My hands shook, and it was a struggle to push the words past my lips. The current I’d been struggling against since Abby’s death—one I’d been able to resist since Phoebe had come back to my side a few days earlier—swept over me, threatening to drown me in an instant.
“Please, you have to understand. I don’t have a choice. I’m leaving.”
What’d changed? I glanced over my shoulder at the brothers and then walked over to the door so I could escape outside. I needed air. The kitchen was too stiflin’, and I couldn’t breathe.
“But what about what ya promised yesterday mornin’?” I asked when I was away from pryin’ ears. My mind struggled to keep up with what was happenin’. It was like the first time she left me. It was hearin’ her bike startin’ in the mornin’ all over again. “And what happened the night before that.”
“Beau, I— That was a last good-bye.” It was such a final statement, one that threatened to break me. My stomach dropped and my throat closed. I couldn’t say anythin’. Couldn’t even find the air I needed to breathe despite bein’ outside.
“That’s all,” she whispered. “I won’t be able to see you again.”
“Phoebe, please, can’t we discuss this?” Hadn’t we been through this already? Hadn’t we been through it and come out the other side? What’d happened? Had I misread her intentions when she’d turned up on my doorstep? Had her wide eyes and tears been a sign she actually wanted to say good-bye?
“No. I—” She cut off with a gasp. “I don’t love you.” The words were growled, low and desperate with none of the sorrow her voice had held just seconds earlier.
My heart turned to ice and my body locked in place. “Please, darlin’, please don’t leave. I can’t say good-bye to someone else. Not you. Not now.”
“I—I never loved you.”
I fell back against the wall as though she’d shot me through the heart. It was the doctor tellin’ me about the accident when I woke in the hospital again. It was hearin’ that Abby was gone all over again. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out her words. As I did, my world filled with red.
How could she do this?
I couldn’t go through losin’ her again.
Not now.
“It was just a game, but this time I won. I know you might be sick of hearing it, but you need to understand, Beau. Please.”
Just a game. The words rattled around my head, rolling through the happy memories and trailing destruction in their wake. I had to understand it was just a game. “Oh, I understand all right,” I spat out as every memory of us was tainted with those words. Just a game. “I understand perfectly.”
“P-Please don’t try to call me again. We’re over.” She disconnected the call before I could get another word out.
FOR A MOMENT, I stood and stared straight ahead, completely at a loss to understand what’d happened. It couldn’t have been real. I had to have imagined the call. That was the only explanation that made a lick of sense.
As her words sank in, and the meanin’ solidified in my mind, my stomach twisted. I was gonna be sick. I leaned forward and tried to get air into my lungs, but I couldn’t squeeze enough through my closed-over throat.
The door to the kitchen swung open, but I didn’t turn to see which of the brothers had come outside.
“Hey, Beau, what—” Joe cut off, no doubt tryin’ to figure out what was goin’ on. “Are you all right, man?”
Still buckled over, I held up a finger to silently ask him to wait.
I lifted my cell phone and brought up the call log. The top number was Phoebe’s, just as I’d known it would be—even if I’d hoped it wouldn’t be. I swiped the number to redial the call. She couldn’t end it there. That couldn’t be the end of us.
Her voice mail told me she was either on the phone or had turned it off. Either way, it wasn’t what I wanted—needed. I had to talk to her.
“Goddamn it!” I shouted, hurling my cell at the closest tree. “Jesus goddamn Christ!”
“Beau? What is it?” Joe asked. Both he and Mitch were watching me carefully, as though I were a wild animal they might need to contain. Joe circled a little to the left, while Mitch headed right.
“It’s Phoebe,” I snarled as I spun toward them with my hands in my hair. “She goddamned did it again, and like a sap, I fell for it.”
“Maybe it’s—”
“Maybe it’s what, Joe?” I rounded on him. How dare he try to defend her? He shoulda been on my side without any question. “Not what it seems? Not like last time? The time before that. I’m startin’ a think I was right about her. That girl likes playin’ with my goddamned heart. She just admitted that herself. It was all a goddamned game to her.”
“You can’t really think—”
A low growl escaped me, silencing him. Before either of them could recover or ask any more questions, I stalked off toward my house. How could Phoebe do this to me again? If she wanted to leave, why didn’t she just say that?
I paused midstep as another thought struck. Had she chosen Xavier before she came to see me? Had our night been one final fling? Was that the goddamned game?
Another growl tore from me, a guttural sound that contained all of the agony tearing at my chest. She should have just told me she didn’t want me. Why did she have to inflate my hope to impossible heights before smashin’ it to the ground? Couldn’t she have just left me alone?
Why did she have to play games with me now? Wasn’t losin’ my sister enough for one man to have to deal with?
By the time I reached my house, my fingers were as cold as Phoebe’s heart. My chest burned, but I tried to convince myself it was just because of the fast pace I’d taken in order to get home. That all I needed was somethin’ to warm me up and I’d be okay.
To help the c
hill that raced over me, I grabbed my last bottle of Fireball and downed a mouthful, relishin’ the warmth it sent into my body and the sweet aftertaste it left in my mouth. Kinda like kissin’ Phoebe.
In my own surroundin’s, and safely alone, I could finally risk takin’ a proper breath. It tore its way down my throat, inflated my useless lungs, and ignited an ache in my chest. I couldn’t believe I was here again: bedded and left brokenhearted. Just like the first time we met.
She really was the devil in disguise.
But what a disguise.
Closing my eyes, I pictured her in my mind. It barely took any effort because she was always there. I could see it all. Her pale skin. The light spray of freckles over her nose and across her shoulders. Her long, chestnut hair that fell around her shoulders when loose, and the way it curled at the ends. Those sparklin’ seafoam eyes I could lose myself in.
How did I end up here again?
I had another mouthful of whiskey to drown out the image.
There was a knock on my door and I was sorely tempted to ignore it. Ultimately, whoever it was wouldn’t be the person I needed to speak to. She wasn’t comin’ back. She didn’t wanna talk to me. She’d just been playin’ games.
“Beau,” Cass called. “Please come to the door.”
Course it’d be Cass. Interferin’ . . .
It was the only problem livin’ with other people around.
I’d always enjoyed life at the Lake Retreat. Havin’ live-in friends, somethin’ as close to family as I could hope for after losin’ Mabel and now Abby, was usually welcome.
Times like this, it was just irritatin’.
I moved to the door and shouted through the wood. “Go away, Cass!”
“Not until you get your butt out here and tell me what’s goin’ on.”
“Go away!”
She banged against the door; it sounded like she was usin’ her whole palm to smack the wood. “Nope. It ain’t happenin’. I ain’t gonna let you sit in there and drink yourself silly.”
Beastly (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #3) Page 2