by Stacia Stone
"I missed you too." She gave me a smile that revealed the missing place where her front teeth were supposed to be. I could see her tongue poking through the hole.
"Are you back forever?"
"I might be." I set her down. "Have you been taking care of Momma?"
She frowned. "Momma's sick. I didn't do anything but she just got sick."
"Oh, I know you didn't do anything, sweetheart. Sometimes people just get sick. It isn't anyone's fault."
"Mrs. Norbert says that little kids are like walking germ factories and she won't let us come into her apartment because I make her pet birds sick."
"Birds aren't the same as people," I reassured her. "And Mrs. Norbert is just mad because she can't get anyone into her apartment, much less you."
Lucy grinned. "I'm glad you're back, Dalea."
"Me too, sweetheart."
Momma was laying quietly in the hospital bed, watching us. When she caught me looking, a wan smile crossed her features.
"How long do you think they'll need to keep you," I asked her.
“Not that long, I’m sure,” she said and coughed in a hacking way that worried me. "It's just a little infection, nothing to worry too much about."
"You just finished the chemo a few weeks ago," I reminded her. "Remember when the doctor talked to us about how you wouldn't be able to fight off infection very well for a while, even after the treatments were done."
"You sound just like the doctors, Dalea," she said crossly. "Remind me where you got your medical degree from."
I forced myself to take a deep breath and think calming thoughts so I didn't snap right back at her. "We're all just worried about you getting better, Momma."
“Well, nobody's gonna keep me locked up in here forever like a damn invalid, not you or those damn doctors. You go find someone and ask them how much longer I need to sit here like this." She held up her arm where the long IV line was connected. "I know you can get these medications as pills. I'm not a damn pincushion."
"Okay, Momma." I'd forgotten what a terrible patient my mother could be. She alternated between a complete inability to do anything for herself and a belligerent insistence that we should just let her be because everything was just fine.
Miranda stood with me and gestured to the door. "I picked up a night shift at the diner so I'm gonna head over there. They’re probably short, if Luis wants to come with me."
Luis stood quickly, obviously eager to get out of the hospital and away from Momma's tirades. "Yeah, I could definitely use the cash."
"Okay," I said a little hesitantly, trying not to feel sad at the fact that my family had continued living their lives without me while I was gone. I had figured that the minute I wasn't there to force him, Luis would have quit his job at the diner and gone back to hanging with his idiot friends outside the convenience store. "I guess I'll take Lucy home with me in a little bit."
Miranda wrapped me in another hug before she left. "Call me tomorrow and we'll catch up. I want to hear all about how the fancy job is going."
"Definitely," I said quickly. I had put a conscious effort into not thinking about Julian. The last thing I needed was a reminder of the time we'd spent together.
You've got a permanent reminder now.
My hand reflexively moved to my stomach and I forced it down to my side. It felt like some sort of nightmare. If I just pinched myself hard enough then I could wake up and get back to the life where I wasn't pregnant with Julian's baby.
I shuddered and pretended to watch Miranda and Luis leave so Momma wouldn't see the likely stricken look on my face. I desperately wanted to ignore it, but eventually I was going to have to face the fact that something was going to need to be done.
"I'm going to try to find one of the doctors and hit up the vending machine," I said out loud, thankful my voice remained steady. "You guys need anything."
"Gummy bears," Lucy piped up. "And apple juice."
"I don't know if any of the vending machines here have gummy bears and apple juice, but I'll see what I can do." I returned to Momma's side and leaned over her to fluff the pillows supporting her head. "Can I get you anything, Momma?"
"Just a ticket out of here," she grumped. I turned to go. "And some coffee."
"I'll get you decaf," I said firmly and closed the curtain surrounding her bed.
I purposefully bypassed the nurse's station. The last thing the busy staff needed was to listen to my mother complain about not being discharged. If they were keeping her here it was likely for a good reason.
The hallway stretched long in front of me and I felt suddenly exhausted and overwhelmed. I leaned against the wall for a long moment, trying to calm the frantic beating of my heart.
I'm pregnant.
I hadn't said the words out loud yet. Somehow, it felt like I didn't have to accept that all of this was real if I didn't admit to it out loud. I couldn't believe what I had let my life come to and all out of love for a person who wasn't capable of feeling that emotion himself.
Don't go.
If you leave, don't ever come back.
What kind of sick shit was that, anyway? I felt myself becoming inexplicably angry as I heard his voice in my mind, demanding that I stay and abandon my family because there was nothing in the world more important than his desires.
And in the end, he couldn't even admit that there was anything between us besides lust and a shared kink.
Tell me you love me.
I shuddered as the words rang in my head, embarrassed at myself for ever uttering them. What had I expected, really? Julian had made no secret of the fact that our relationship was one with strict boundaries. He hadn't even bothered to tell me that his wife was dead out of fear that I'd expect some sort of commitment.
He didn't deserve me.
And I didn't deserve this.
Of course, that didn't answer the question of whether or not I should tell him about the pregnancy. Would he demand to take some part in my decision or would he be as aloof about this as he'd been about everything else?
Did I owe him the chance to decide?
I pushed myself off of the wall before a stray nurse could come by and demand I go back down the ER. One round of IV fluids was enough for the day.
The vending machines were one floor down and I waited at the bay of elevators because I couldn't stomach the thought of taking the stairs. If felt like I had to move my body through molasses — my limbs heavy and unresponsive. I couldn't tell if the feeling was from dehydration, stress or the fact that I hadn't slept in almost twenty-four hours.
I put a hand on my still-flat belly. I didn't feel anything, not a murmur or whisper that there was a life growing inside of me. How long would it take, I wondered, for the thing to be big enough to move?
Because eventually I would feel it move. I knew that I didn't have it in my heart to terminate the pregnancy. It wasn't the little zygote's fault that I was an idiot and Julian was an asshole. Maybe I'd be able to find a nice couple who didn't tie each other up for fun who'd want to adopt him, or her.
Of course, adoption meant that eventually I was going to have to tell Momma about the pregnancy. There weren't enough baggy sweatshirts and oversized pants in the world to cover up the fact that I was pregnant. If Momma wasn't so wrapped up in being in the hospital, she would have already realized that something was different about me.
The elevator doors opened with a ding. I stepped inside the empty car and tried to resist the wave of nausea that came over me as it moved downward with a stutter.
They call it morning sickness because you're only supposed to get it in the morning, right? With the way things were going, it seemed pretty clear that I wouldn’t be that lucky.
I felt in my pocket for the handful change I still had left. Money was going to be the other issue that I had to contend with. I couldn't imagine that Julian was going to keep sending checks now that I'd reneged on our agreement. But I balked at the idea of going back to the diner to work. It was time to
get my life together.
When I got to the second floor vending machine it was only to be met with an out-of-order sign. I had to resist the urge to kick it out of frustration.
I went to the second floor nurses's station and flagged down a harried-looking candy striper.
"Do you know where there are any other vending machines?" I asked.
She glanced up quickly from the pile of linen and blankets in her arms. "You can try the first-floor lobby. They have coffee and machines, I think."
"Thanks."
I took the stairs down this time because the idea of having to wait another five minutes for the creaking elevator was slightly worse than heaving myself down a single flight.
The lobby was deserted, as befitted the time. I was going to have to get Lucy home soon if I wanted her up for school without a tantrum in the morning. I walked past the glass doors at the entrance of the hospital and stopped short.
Julian stood on the other side of the doors staring at me. When he saw me looking, he turned away and disappeared into the dark
I rushed towards the doors and pushed them open, but he was gone. I looked down both sides of the deserted street but there was no sign of him.
Had I just imagined him? Was I not just pregnant, but going crazy too?
He couldn't have been there. I was definitely seeing things. There was no way that Julian had followed me here. He didn't care about me and he'd made that perfectly clear.
I shook off the sudden feeling of despair and went back inside of the hospital. The vending machines by the surgical waiting room were still in service and I had just enough change to get Momma a cup of decaf coffee and some sour worms for Lucy.
Momma was asleep when I got back upstairs and Lucy was cuddled up in the bed next to her watching cartoons on the television attached the wall above their heads. I set the coffee down and stared down at Momma. She was paler than she should have been. I could see pale blue veins running up her arms. And she'd lost weight.
"Let's go home and let Momma sleep," I whispered to Lucy.
"Did you get my gummy bears," she asked, as she climbed out of the bed.
"Sour gummy worms. You can eat them on the way home."
"Is Auntie Miranda gonna take us home?"
I realized belatedly that I had come to the hospital in a cab and had no way of getting us back to the apartment.
"Shit."
Lucy gasped and then giggled. "That's a potty word."
"Well, it's been a potty day," I assured here. "Hold on, I need to figure out how we're going to get home."
"I want my worms."
I passed her the bag of candy as I rustled in the purse that I'd set on the bedside table. I didn't have any more cash for a cab ride and I couldn't call Miranda to come back when she'd already said that she was headed to work.
I fished out my cell phone and hit the power button, praying that it still had some battery left after being locked up for over a month. When the screen flashed on, I checked the battery percentage — 25% — and silently blessed Naomi for turning the device off before locking it away.
But who to call?
I quickly scrolled through my programmed contact list, more than a little saddened by the lack of choices. I hadn't made many friends going from home to the diner and back again.
When I got to the last name on the list, I hesitated. It only took another moment to realize that I didn't really have another choice.
When Zach pulled up to emergency room doors in a billow of dark smoke, Lucy and I were waiting for him.
He must have caught the expression on my face, because he was grinning as he jumped out of the driver's door.
"You asked if I could get a car."
"I did." I pushed Lucy towards the back the door and helped her inside. "I guess this is technically a car."
"I think you mean a hooptie." Zach said with a laugh. "It belongs to my uncle and it was all I could manage on short notice."
"Thank you for coming to get us, really." I reached over Lucy to help fasten her seatbelt and held up two buckle ends, neither of which had a snap. I sighed and tied the ends together over her lap. "Just promise that you'll get us home in one piece."
He winked at me. "What kind of knight in shining armor would I be if I couldn't at least do that?”
I walked around the car to climb into the passenger seat and Zach got in as well, settling into the cracked leather. "I hope we aren't taking you away from anything. You weren't busy, were you."
"Actually, I was on a really hot date with a beautiful girl when you called, so I hope you appreciate me coming all the way over here."
"Really? I'm sorry—“ I caught the amused look on his face and stopped. "And you're just messing with me."
"Yeah, I was sitting at home playing video games when you called." He started the car and the engine made a loud grinding noise before turning over. He navigated into traffic, the streetlights casting moving patterns on his face. "The last hot date I had was with you. I'm sure you remember how that turned out."
I felt my face redden and turned to look out the window. "Sorry."
"I was a little surprised when you called." He glanced over at me before returning his attention to the road ahead of us. "You pretty much fell of the map."
"I've been working."
"That's what Miranda said when I stopped by the diner to see if I could catch you." He cleared his throat. "But you're back now?"
"I came back because my mom's sick." I glanced at Lucy but she was playing with an action figure that she'd found in the backseat and wasn't paying any attention. "But it looks like I'm probably back for good."
"You don't make that sound like good news."
"It is what it is. I'm just back to where I started." I touched my stomach and shuddered, thinking that it would be great if I was just back where I started instead of a hundred steps further behind.
"Are you okay?" Zach asked, noticing the movement.
"I'm fine.” I forced my voice into something that could pass for normal. "I'm just tired. I haven't slept since the night before last."
"Ouch," he said cheerfully. "Well, let's get you home."
We drove in companionable silence, broken only when I gave him murmured directions.
Lucy was asleep in the back and I groaned at the thought of having to carry her up two flights of stairs.
"Let me help you get her upstairs," he said, following my gaze. "You look completely wrecked."
I casted him a grateful smile. "Thanks."
Zach wrapped Lucy in his leather jacket and carefully maneuvered her out of the car until she was cradled in his arms. He followed me up the stairs and to the door of our apartment, where I fumbled with the keys in the dark hallway outside our door.
I cringed when I opened the door and saw the mess of clothes scattered over the living room and the stack of dishes in the sink. "Please ignore the mess."
"It's all good." He followed my gesture and took Lucy to the back bedroom to put her down in the bed.
Kicking off my shoes, I collapsed onto the couch and pushed aside a pile of my brother's video game magazines so there was enough space to sit. My body was exhausted beyond imagining but my mind was moving a mile a minute and I knew there was no chance of falling asleep any time soon.
Zach came back into the living room and gingerly sat on the couch next to me. "Is it just the two of you guys here?"
I raised my eyebrows at him. "You're really taking this knight in shining armor thing seriously, huh?"
"I'm just a little worried about leaving you home like this with your sister in the middle of the night. What if something happens?"
"We'll be fine."
"Okay, well the most important question is if I stop by tomorrow, will you be here or in France?"
I laughed, unable to resist the deadpan look on his face. "I'm not planning anymore disappearing acts, if that's what you mean."
"That's a relief. I was wondering when you were gonna give me th
at second date that you owe me."
I tilted my head to the side and regarded him. "Oh, I owe you a second date."
"It's part of the rules. When the first date is as much of a disaster as ours was, you pretty much owe a guy a second chance."
"Really?" I asked with a grin, enjoying the banter. Julian and I never bantered. "I must have missed that day in high school when they passed out the dating rulebook."
"I guess so." The grin he threw me was charmingly lopsided. "What do you say? We can even do something normal and boring, like dinner and a movie. Do you like flowers and chocolate?"
"I don't really think that I'm in a good place to be dating," I said hesitantly. I had no intention of revealing the pregnancy to Zach, but at the same time I didn't want to lead him on.
"C'mon, don't give me weak excuses. If you're gonna break my heart, do it like a real women and tell me to leave you alone."
I leaned back against the couch and turned so my cheek rested against the seat back. Our faces were only inches apart. "I don't want you to leave me alone."
He grinned. "Well, that's a start."
"Just don't expect too much from me for the time being, okay.” I said, swallowing back the lump that rose in my throat. "I'm in a weird place right now."
"What a coincidence, I live my life in a weird place."
"So, I see."
He stood and brushed imaginary lint off of his distressed jeans. "I'll even be a gentleman and leave without a kiss, but I'm adding it to your I.O.U."
I laughed, unable to resist his infectious mood. "Whatever you say."
Zach turned to the door and I levered myself off of the couch to let him out. He paused in the doorway and looked back at me, expression suddenly serious.
"Lock the door behind me okay, there's a lot of crazy people out there."
"Yes, sir." I said with a nod, thinking that he was definitely taking the whole knight-in-shining-armor thing as much more than a joke. "I'll put the deadbolt on."
"Can I call you tomorrow?”
"Yeah, that sounds great." I watched him hesitate for a minute and couldn't resist a small smile. "You know you won't be able to see me again, if you don't actually leave at some point."