by Helen Brooks
‘You’re not making me feel better. I wanted you to say I’d done the right thing and good riddance.’
‘To Steel Landry? No can do. Tell him you’ve changed your mind,’ Poppy urged. ‘Cry a bit and fall on his manly chest—they can never resist that, especially if you’re saying he was right and you were wrong.’
Toni had thought she’d never smile again, but now the corners of her mouth turned up. ‘You look like the backbone of the WI, all home-made jam and sponge cakes and church fetes. How come you’re such an out and out vamp under the skin?’
‘I could tell you stories about one or two WI members that would make your hair curl,’ Poppy said, grinning. ‘But seriously, don’t let this one slip out of the net. He might have had more than a brief affair on his mind and you’ll only know if you give him a chance and chill out a bit.’
Toni gazed at her friend over her coffee cup, her smile dying. ‘I love him, Poppy. That’s the thing. And whether he wanted me just for a while or something more permanent, I still can’t be with him. You’ve seen him. He’s …’
‘Oh, yes,’ Poppy agreed.
‘And rich and powerful—the whole package. I wouldn’t know how to go about keeping a man like that. I wouldn’t be able to. And then it would be a question of trying to ignore his little … indiscretions, and I’d die, inch by inch.’
‘I think you might be doing him an injustice. Who says he’s going to play around? He’s drop-dead gorgeous, yes, but even sublime beings like him are allowed to find “the one".’
‘And what if I’m not the one? What then?’
Poppy stared at her, suddenly deadly serious. ‘I know you love him, but do you trust him?’ she said very quietly as the noise upstairs reached new heights. ‘You’ve seen him almost every day for six months and you’ve worked closely with him on and off. And all those late-night cosies when everyone else had gone home. With all you’ve learnt about him, do you trust him?’
Toni’s eyes were stricken. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Richard undermined you when he was alive and even more when he died and you found out the truth. The male sex suddenly became unreliable and treacherous and devious, I can understand that. Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked if you trusted Steel. Perhaps I should have asked if you trust yourself.’
There was suddenly a huge thud upstairs that rocked the ceiling, followed by howls loud enough to wake the baby in her crib by the side of the kitchen table. As Poppy ran upstairs to see what was what Toni picked up the infant and reassured little Rose, who was looking worried. When Poppy came back all four children were in tow, Nathan with an egg-sized lump on his forehead and sniffling, looking very sorry for himself.
‘They were playing Superman,’ Poppy said ruefully, ‘and Nathan tried to “fly” off the top bunk. We’re all going to have a drink and a biscuit now, aren’t we?’ she added to the four subdued children. ‘And then we’re going to do some nice drawing and colouring at the kitchen table where Mummy and Aunty Toni can keep an eye on you.’
It was the end of further meaningful conversation.
That night as she lay in bed Toni thought about Poppy’s last words; they had been very profound, especially considering it had been Poppy speaking. At three in the morning she still hadn’t gone to sleep, and at five she gave up all hope of dropping off and got up and made herself a hot drink.
It was bitterly cold outside, the frosted windowpane in the kitchen telling its own story. Snow was forecast in the next few days and everyone was predicting a white Christmas. The kitchen was freezing, the central heating hadn’t come on yet, but the chill inside Toni was worse.
She stood at the back door, her hands wrapped round the hot coffee cup as she surveyed Jack Frost’s handiwork. Poppy was right. She didn’t trust herself any more: her judgement, her self-worth, her discernment—not in matters of the heart anyway. Maybe if she had met Steel five years from now, when she’d had time to sort herself out and get back on an even keel again, it would have been different. But she hadn’t. And it wasn’t different. She was too frightened of making another huge mistake, and this time she knew she would never recover if it went wrong. So it was better to walk away now. It might be the wrong decision, she’d never know, but, even if it was, it was preferable to staying with him and everything coming unstuck at some time in the future if her worst fears came true. Cowardly it might be, but that was what self-survival came down to sometimes.
By the time the girls came downstairs she was washed and dressed and breakfast was on the table. She was in control again, she told herself firmly. Everything would pan out. Soon she would stop crying when she was in bed at night and feel like eating again. The new project on Steel’s house was already underway and she would be spending plenty of time on site; so she wouldn’t see much of him, she could make sure of that. He, himself, had made that possible when he’d insisted on giving her carte blanche regarding everything from the alterations and colour schemes to the furniture and fittings.
And once the house was finished—a hard knot formed in her stomach—she would leave; and she had already given Steel a letter of resignation stating this, to which he had agreed with a curt nod of his head as he had read it. She had made some inroad into paying off Richard’s debts; the rest would have to happen more slowly when she found another job. All this wasn’t the end of the world.
It just felt like it.
Toni worked hard over the next few weeks. She fell into bed each night too exhausted to think, but once she was in dream land her subconscious played all sorts of tricks on her and she couldn’t keep Steel at bay. Each morning she awoke feeling more tired than when she had gone to bed, but she forced herself to get up, shower and start the day.
Christmas came and went and the girls were ecstatic when they had a sprinkling of snow on Christmas Eve. Steel gave each employee a Christmas bonus, and when she opened her envelope she could scarcely believe her eyes when she saw the noughts after the ten. ‘Ten thousand pounds?’ She went straight in to see him, holding the envelope in her hand. ‘I didn’t expect anything like this. It’s too much.’
‘Everyone gets a healthy bonus twice a year. It’s a good incentive,’ he answered, without looking up from the papers he was working on. ‘The money is already in your account.’
She stood staring down on the dark head, knowing if she tried to say anything more she’d burst into tears, and then left the room.
He sent Amelia and Daisy parcels through the post too, with a small card saying the exquisite little gold charm bracelets were from the ‘steel man'. Toni’s mother oohed and ahhed over them to the girls but made no comment to Toni. They’d had to agree to disagree over her finishing with Steel and it was now a forbidden subject. Toni made Christmas special for the girls but she was glad when the ‘jolly’ season was over, and everyone she came into contact with was miserable because they’d spent too much, eaten too much and drunk too much. It fitted her mood.
The one thing that kept her going, apart from Amelia and Daisy, was the work on Steel’s house. She’d fallen in love with the magnificent old cottage and was determined each alteration and each room would be perfect, as the house deserved. This was to be her swansong with Steel’s firm and everything had to be right. She wouldn’t allow herself to picture Steel living here with another woman, starting a family, enjoying winter evenings together in front of a roaring fire or summer afternoons with cucumber sandwiches and lemonade on the patio while watching the children play in the fresh air. She’d had one day when she had made the mistake of indulging such notions and had got herself into such a state she had been physically sick.
January was a month of heavy blue-grey skies and squalls of blustery sleet and icy rain, but the wave of thick snow that had been forecast way back in December had never materialised. The army of workmen employed on site had meant the project flowed without interruption, and in the first week of February Toni could finally say the job was all but finished.
She’d had in
termittent contact with Steel during the last two months. When she was in the office he made no effort seek her out, but when she had to consult with him about something he was always businesslike and agreeable. Once or twice she had caught him staring at her, but there was never any readable expression on his face. As far as she knew he wasn’t dating, but he could have been. That was something else she didn’t allow herself to think about.
He hadn’t actually visited the site once since the day he had taken her there. It was unfortunate that the boss of the building firm she’d contracted for the alterations had an Aston Martin too. A number of times her heart had stopped as she’d heard the car draw up, but it had never been Steel unfurling himself from the sleek interior. Just a paunchy little man who laughed too loudly and stank of BO and garlic.
The day she had set aside for Steel to come and view her work was one of extreme cold and bitter winds. She arrived at the house early in the morning, driving there as soon as she had dropped the girls off at breakfast club.
After checking every cushion was in place and every drape arranged just so, she wandered through to the beautiful drawing room and stood gazing out over the grounds. The frozen landscape intensified every colour and shade, highlighting the few brightly toned leaves clinging to a mature beech tree and the green of the ivy climbing a far wall. The sky had clouded over as she’d been titivating this and that, and there was the smell of snow in the air when she opened the front door to Steel mid-morning.
He smiled at her and a vice gripped her heart. It was the first time for some weeks she had allowed herself the luxury of looking straight at him, and the silver-blue eyes cut through to her soul. He looked wonderful but tired. Definitely tired.
‘You have a house to show me, I think?’ His voice was warm, relaxed, and yet she thought she detected something else underneath. A tenseness perhaps? Or perhaps it was just excitement. This was to be his home, after all. It was much more important than her previous projects.
He wandered through the downstairs rooms, saying very little. The soft green and cream colour scheme for the drawing room met with his approval, and the taupe and pale lemon for the dining room. The kitchen was now a thing of beauty. When deciding to go all out and make the first reception room into the magnificent drawing room it was always meant to be, Toni had chosen warmer, more family colours for the smaller sitting room. The soft cherry red and mix of dusky pinks made the room cosy and welcoming, a place where children could play and watch TV.
Upstairs each bedroom and en-suite had its own colour scheme, but she was especially pleased with the master bedroom, partly because she felt it was a tribute to her professionalism that she’d made this room as perfect as she could and ignored the fact that Steel might be occupying it with the lady of his choice.
The pale coffee and gold mixed with a blend of oatmeals wasn’t overtly masculine or feminine, and she’d taken care the full-length walk-in wardrobe was divided into two distinct halves for the occupants who would share the huge, billowy soft bed, which had been specially made and constructed inside the room and which dominated the space. The drapes that framed the full-length French windows were in the same fabric as the duvet, and the windows opened out onto a stone balcony from which there was a wonderful view over the grounds and the countryside beyond.
Altogether it was a dream of a bedroom, uncompromisingly luxurious from the music system and huge TV down to the concealed fridge holding vintage champagne and a selection of the best wines.
She stood aside for him to enter the room and remained in the doorway as he strolled round, opening the doors onto the balcony and standing there for a moment or two before coming back into the room and shutting the French doors. ‘You’ve created a wonderful home,’ he said quietly. ‘Now all it needs is the family it was made for.’
She wanted to smile but it was beyond her. Stiffly, she said, ‘Thank you. I’m pleased it meets with your approval,’ as she stepped backwards onto the wide landing.
He followed her downstairs, and once in the hall took her arm. ‘Come into the drawing room a moment. I need to talk to you.’
This was when he formalised her departure. Keeping herself very straight, she walked with him into the elegant reception room and, when he indicated for her to be seated, sat on the edge of one of the cream sofas. She wondered what was different as she’d walked into the room and realised it was snowing: big, fat, feathery flakes falling from a laden sky. The Christmas snow that had been expected had arrived at last.
She had lit a fire earlier in the massive old stone fireplace that blended so well with the beamed ceiling of the gracious room, knowing it would set the room off to perfection for his inspection. Now he walked across and stood with his back to it as he looked at her. ‘The envelope on the table,’ he said, indicating a large manilla package on the glass coffee table close to the sofa. ‘It’s yours.’
She nodded. ‘I’ll take it with me and look at it later.’ She couldn’t do this right now, not with him standing there reminding her of all she’d given up.
‘I’d rather you open it now. There are a couple of things I need to go through with you.’
Numbly she reached for the somewhat bulky package and extracted the papers within. She stared at the top page. The words blurred and danced before her eyes and it was a moment or two before they made sense. Only they didn’t. She read the letter through twice and then looked at the wad of papers beneath. Raising her gaze to the silver-blue one watching her so intently, she said dazedly, ‘I—I don’t understand.’
‘It’s very simple. I’m giving you the house and those are the relevant papers. I have also deposited an amount in your account to clear your debts and to provide a breathing space while you decide what you want to do from here. I was speaking to James only yesterday and he is very keen to have you back. I understand there will be a vacancy in three months’ time when his present interior designer leaves to have a baby. She may return after maternity leave but James is sure they can work out something. You have a life stretching before you free of debt.’
She stared at him. ‘I can’t accept a house from you.’
‘Of course you can. It was always meant for you. Of course at one time I imagined the pair of us in that bedroom upstairs, but—’ he shrugged ‘—your decision changes nothing about the house. Whether we’re together or no, it is yours.’
‘This is madness.’ She felt as though she were in a dream. ‘I can’t possibly have it, or the money either. You must see that?’ She was trembling with shock.
‘I see nothing of the kind. You and the twins need your own place and this is a perfect home. It’s all arranged.’
‘Steel—’ She felt as though she were losing her grip on reality. ‘This is madness, it’s crazy.’
He smiled, but it didn’t reach the beautiful eyes and showed how deliberate his air of relaxation was. ‘Everyone’s allowed to be a little crazy once in their lives. This is my time. It’s all official and above board, no strings attached, by the way. All that is required is a few signatures.’
‘I can’t.’ She waved a shaking hand. ‘I just can’t.’
‘I’m not trying to buy you, Toni. I don’t work like that. I simply need to know that you and the twins are safe and secure and then we can both get on with our lives. I expect nothing from you, you made it very clear how you feel, but it doesn’t change how I feel, OK? So indulge me. You know I can afford to do this without it making a dent in my bank balance, but it would mean a great deal to two little girls and their quality of life. If you can’t accept it for yourself, accept it for them. I won’t come knocking on your door if that’s what’s bothering you. Not without an invitation anyway.’
He was bewildering her with his gentleness. ‘But why would you do this?’ she asked helplessly. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ He held her frantic gaze.
‘Not to me. People don’t give other people houses.’
If any other woman of
his acquaintance had said that he wouldn’t have believed them, but with Toni he knew it was the truth. He’d been to hell and back the last weeks, but he knew he’d only got himself to blame. In the beginning he had set out to seduce her and yet he’d been the one who had been seduced—seduced into love. Ironic. And the fact that she could walk away from him and cut him out of her life should have killed that love stone dead; he wasn’t the type of man to turn the other cheek—he never had been. But it didn’t make any difference. It should have, but it didn’t, not where she was concerned. She mattered more than his feelings.
His Achilles heel. That was what Jeff had called her when he’d got blind drunk at his brother-in-law’s at Christmas and slept the night on their sofa. Jeff had come down early in the morning when he’d had a head on him like a banging drum, and over a cup of strong coffee they’d talked about Toni. Apparently he’d said enough in his inebriated state for Jeff to know most of it anyway.
Steel screened his expression. Jeff had told him that Boxing Day morning to tell her how he felt, just once.
‘Forget your pride, mate. She might sling it back in your face but can you feel worse than you do now? Annie’s worried sick about you, I can tell you that. Tell her and then leave it in the lap of the gods. If nothing else you’ll have no regrets. Say those three words you’ve always maintained you’ll never say to any woman—I love you. It’s easy, believe me. I say it to Annie all the time.’