by Jane Taylor
I took a swig of wine. ‘We found we were looking for different things from the relationship.’
‘Ah, sweetheart, I’m sorry.’
‘You knew this would happen didn’t you? You even warned me.’
‘But I didn’t want to be right, Katie, in fact, for the past few months I thought you too really had it sorted. You both seemed so happy, so right for each other.’
‘Don’t please…I can’t bear it…’
And then the dam of pent up emotion burst. Alison scuttled down to my end and held me while huge sobs wracked my body.
‘Shush now,’ she said eventually. ‘It will be OK, you’ll see.’
‘But it won’t…don’t you see? It will never be OK again.’
We talked long into the night, both of us sharing the blanket and sitting either end of the sofa like bookends, taking it in turns to shove logs on the fire. We discussed everything about the visit to Robbie’s family, in minute detail.
‘And it was only then you realised you were in love with him? Katie, it was obvious to everyone else ages ago.’
‘I am such a fool, how could I have imagined for a minute that someone like Robbie would love me back?’
‘That’s a crock of shit, Katie, why would you say stuff like that?’
‘You’ve seen his girlfriends, Ali…’
‘Yes, I have, and what a load of air-heads they were. Most of them would drop their knickers faster than a blind man handed a hot coal.’
‘Oh, Ali, that’s terrible…’ I laughed. It felt good to laugh.
‘Seriously though, I don’t know why you pull yourself down, look at you, I wish I had your looks. I tell you, I wouldn’t be festering here… I’d be out living the high life, cruising around the Med – anything rather than mooning over Robbie Collins.’
‘I have not been mooning over Robbie, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been raising my boys.’
‘And a great job you’ve made of it… you were number-one Mum when it came to ferrying your boys about and standing freezing you backside off on school football pitches, but it’s your time now, Katie. And as your best friend, I’m asking you not to waste any more time on Robbie. I know you love him, but that will get easier, you know that. Live your life for yourself now.’
‘Ali, I know you mean well, but it’s a bit easier said than done.’
‘I know hun, but just think about it, eh?’
I nodded, but right then the thought of leaving the security of my little house, even for a “cruise around the Mediterranean” filled me with horror. To have to interact with people, when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and nurse my broken heart was an impossibility.
‘Look, Katie, I’m going to tell you something – I shouldn’t, because Robbie told us in confidence – but I think you need to know. It might make you understand why he is the way he is, why I told you he was no good for you.’
My stomach flipped, I had a feeling what Alison was about to say would take away the last glimmer of hope I had, and I’m honest enough to admit to you that I was still hoping.
‘Robbie told us this years ago; he was at the house watching some big Rugby match with Mark and afterwards we got talking. He’d been drinking all afternoon, I think that’s what loosened his tongue. I asked him when he was going to settle down – you know what I’m like – I can never keep my big gob shut. I thought he was going to tell me to butt out, but he didn’t, he told us why that was never going to happen.’
‘What did he say?’
‘He had been at University studying to be an architect when he started seeing a girl who was on the same course, I forget her name now.’
‘Amanda.’
‘Oh, has he already told you this?’
I shook my head. ‘No, but you remember I told you Julie said something about the past and Robbie mentioned Amanda… I assume this is what you’re talking about.’
‘Yes it is. Apparently, they dated for about eighteen months and then she got in with a bad crowd. They were into drugs and Robbie began to suspect this girl was taking them too. It was so sad, Katie, he did everything he could to get her off them, but she wouldn’t quit. Eventually he finished with her and two weeks later, she was found dead from a heroin overdose. Reading between the lines, I don’t think he has ever forgiven himself, I think he felt he let her down, that he should have done more. He dropped out of University, moved up here and learned his trade. Anyway, from that point on, he swore he would never let himself get involved with anyone ever again. And he hasn’t, has he? To be honest, in all the time I’ve known him, you have been his longest girlfriend.’
So that was it, I was right… my last shred of hope that somehow Robbie and I could get back together, disintegrated with Alison’s story. It was amazing how you could have your heart shattered like glass and still love with all the little pieces.
Over breakfast the next day we discussed me having some time off.
‘I can’t leave you to do it all,’ I said.
‘Do you remember Megan Boyd from class… dark hair, two benches behind us?’
‘I think so, why?’
‘She came in the shop last week when you were at lunch, I forgot to tell you. She wanted to know if we had any jobs going.’
‘Well, we haven’t really… have we?’
‘No, but it set me thinking… what if we take her on for a couple of days a week, it would give each of us an extra day off.’
‘Was she any good at flower arranging?’
‘I think so, didn’t she do that arrangement with the orchids and the alabaster statue? I’m sure it was her, it was very innovative.’
‘Hmm…yes, I think that was her. OK, we can give her a go at least,’ I said, warming to the idea of some extra time off.
‘Right, I’ll give her a ring this afternoon and see if she’ll do next week as her trial period, that way you can have the whole week off.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Hun, you need time to get yourself together, and this is the perfect solution. Besides,’ she grinned, ‘if last week is anything to go by, she’ll be far more help.’
‘Sorry, Ali, I don’t know how you put up with me.’
‘No, me neither,’ she said, giving me a bear hug.
I spent my week off doing my best to come to terms with everything. I knew I had to let go and somehow move on. Knowing this didn’t make it any easier, I still cried in the aching loneliness of the night, but I was making slow progress.
When I returned to work for the first of my four days, (Megan had worked brilliantly the week before and we were taking her on) I fervently hoped I wouldn’t bump into Robbie. Retford wasn’t a big place, so it was a possibility. I began taking a packed lunch so I didn’t have to go out and I was often in danger of having a panic attack in my rush to get to my car to go home, but other than that I was coping.
A few weeks later, having just finished a large order for funeral flowers, Alison and I were sitting in the back of the shop drinking a coffee.
‘Sam rang last night…he’s not coming home for Easter.’
‘Oh, that’s a shame, are you very disappointed?’
‘Yep, but Eddie has asked him to go to the villa. I can’t really complain I suppose... I had him for Christmas.’
‘Still, it would have been nice,’ Alison commiserated.
‘Anyway, I was thinking earlier when we were doing the wreaths, we are missing an opportunity here.’
‘How so?’
‘We need to get our cards to the clergy in this town. Think about it, they do all the weddings and funerals, what better way to plug our business.’
‘Would they do that?’ Alison looked doubtful.
‘Well, we can ask; even if they say no we’ll have tried at least. What do you think?’
‘I think it’s great to see you motivated about something at last.’
I smiled. ‘It’s my latest survival strategy.’
‘Well, go for it… do you want
me to come with you?’
‘No, I’ll manage. You have Mark’s big four-oh to arrange... are you still keeping it as a surprise party?’
‘Don’t think so, too much hassle.’
‘Well, yell out, if you need help.’
You know what’s coming next, don’t you? Hold onto your hats it all about to kick off!
Chapter Twenty One
A sign outside the church hall advertised the meeting and judging by the cars in the car park, it was going to have a good attendance. Another sign pinned to a notice board proclaimed tea, coffee and cakes were on sale, the proceeds of which, would go to the church. That’s the thing about the Catholic Church, they never miss a trick to squeeze money out of their parishioners.
The hall was almost full, although not everyone was seated yet. A group of people were milling around the stage at the front of the room, and I assumed that was where I would find the priest. I was just wondering if I should approach him before or after the meeting, when a familiar face emerged from the group and walked towards me. He stopped dead when he saw me, which was good, because I wasn’t capable of moving either. Jesus H Christ… it was Father Michael!
He was the first to recover and he started to move towards me again. I could see his emotions flit across his face in the few steps it took to get to me. I had this horrendous flashback to naked romps in the bluebells and judging by his red face, he was thinking the same thing. All thought of what I had gone there for vanished. Then, he was there, not a foot in front of me.
I shoved out my hand, which he took with some surprise. ‘Hello Father, very pleased to meet you,’ I stammered.
‘Hello Ka…’
‘Oh, look, they’re starting, I better get a seat.’ With that, I turned on my heel and grabbed an end seat in the last row. I could see Michael out of the corner of my eye (I couldn’t look directly at him) still standing where I left him. As soon as he turned to the stage, I leapt from my seat and out of the door.
Sitting in the car outside my house after breaking every speed limit in my rush to get home, I stared out of the windscreen. This couldn’t be happening. I looked skywards and curled my lip.
‘You bastard! Why are you doing this?’ For some reason a saying of my mother’s came into my mind. “God only gives us a burden we can carry”’
‘Utter bollocks,’ I shouted skywards, imagining a grinning deity having a laugh at my expense. Wasn’t I going through enough at the moment, without throwing my guilty past into the mix? I’m telling you, this was just way out of order.
‘So… did you speak to the priest? Alison asked the next morning as soon as she arrived in the shop.
‘Alison, you won’t believe what happened.’ She, in the process of making our morning coffee, stopped to stare at me.
‘Do you remember years ago when we went to Tracey thingy’s hen do in Blackpool?’
Alison frowned. ‘Yes, but what has…’
‘Shush and let me tell you.’ Alison stared at me curiously then sat down motioning the action of zipping her lips. I took a deep breath and forged ahead.
‘Do you remember we were all discussing the strangest places we had ever done it?’
‘Yes,’ Alison laughed. ‘And Fran said she and Mike had done it one night at Stonehenge and swore they had been disturbed by a ghost and had run down the hill naked. Do you remember? None of us believed her.’
I sighed. ‘Are you going to let me tell you this or not?’
‘Sorry.’
‘OK, well, if you remember I said mine was in a bluebell wood.’ Alison’s eyebrows shot skywards as she covered her mouth with her hand.
‘With a priest!’ she said, wide eyed from behind her hand.
‘Yes.’
Alison dropped her hand and dragged her stool closer to mine. ‘Oh-my-God, it wasn’t him, was it?’ I nodded. ‘But I thought you’d made that up for a bit of fun… it really happened?’
I nodded my head again.
‘And he’s the priest you saw last night?’
‘The very same.’
Alison roared with laughter, so much so she had tears rolling down her cheeks. Personally, I couldn’t see what was so funny.
‘So what did you do?’ she asked, mopping her eyes on the edge of her tabard.
‘What do you think I did?” I said crossly. Alison’s reaction to this latest debacle wasn’t what I’d hoped for. ‘I ran out of there and didn’t stop ‘til I got home.’
‘Guess we won’t be leaving our cards with the priest then?’
‘Not funny, Alison.’
All that day she kept bringing up the subject. ‘I can’t believe you actually bonked a priest. I mean Katie… a priest! That’s really bad .’
By the time we were ready to close up, I’d had enough.
‘I swear Ali, if you bring it up once mo… Oh!’
Alison turned from locking the door. ‘What’s the matter?’
Michael, in all his splendour was standing in front of me.
‘Hello, Katie.’ He still had his great smile, I noticed.
‘Michael.’
Alison was gawping from one to the other of us.
‘Oh… Alison, this is an old friend of mine, Father Daly. Fath…Michael.’ Oh, fuck! I started again. ‘Michael, this is Alison.’
Alison reached out to take Michael’s proffered hand and murmured a stilted greeting before beating a red-faced retreat from the shop. We both stared after her as the silenced stretched uncomfortably. Michael turned, gesturing his thumb over his shoulder.
‘Does she know?
‘Yes… sorry.’
‘Oh…’
‘So…’ I said into the lengthening silence.
‘You disappeared last night. I looked for you after the meeting.’ Oops! What did I say now?
‘I’m sorry, Michael, that was so rude. It was the shock of seeing you, I think.’
‘I understand. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing myself.’
‘Do you want to come in for a coffee?’ I asked, turning towards the shop.
‘I’d love to, but you were just on your way home.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Michael, shut up and come inside.’ I turned the lights back on and Michael followed me into the back room. ‘So how did you know where to find me?’ I asked, while sorting out the coffee.
‘It was a fluke really. I don’t know how many times I’ve been to the bookshop next door and never seen you, but today you were serving someone next to the window. Rather than bother you while you were busy, I came back at closing time.’
All the time he was speaking, I was accessing the changes in him. He was still amazingly good looking, but thinner, less muscular and now his sandy hair was peppered with grey. There were a few lines around his eyes but they still twinkled as I remembered. With a start, I realised he had stopped speaking and to my acute embarrassment, he was looking at me waiting for a reply.
‘Oh…well, I’m glad you did.’ Liar.
‘You haven’t changed, Katie.’
I gave a very unladylike snort. ‘Thank you for that, but I think you may need glasses.’
He laughed. ‘Ok then, you haven’t changed much, is that better?’
‘It will do.’
There was another stilted silence before I opened my mouth and brought the whole thing to a personal level. It was just bloody typical of me.
‘So you stayed in the church, they didn’t kick you out?’ I could have bitten off my tongue.
‘It was touch and go for a while, but in the end I stayed. It was the right decision, Katie.’
‘I’m sure it was, but I’ve often wondered what happened.’ Liar, again.
‘I came looking for you… when I got back. I even got as far as your gate, but I couldn’t go any further”.
‘Why?’ I watched as he picked up his cup and took a sip of his coffee before answering me.
‘I came because I neede
d to see you, I left, because I thought if I saw you again I might never be able to leave.’ A self-depreciating grin lit up his whole face and then just as quickly he sobered. ‘It took a long time to get over you, Katie.’
‘Michael, I…’
Michael shook his head. ‘Don’t worry,’ he laughed, ‘I did, eventually, but they were a difficult couple of years.’
‘Years?’ I almost screeched.
‘I take it from that reaction that it was a might quicker for you,’ he smiled. ‘I’m glad… I wouldn’t have wished what I was going through on you.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m not explaining this right.’
He sighed and moved so he was directly facing me and abstractly, I noticed he wasn’t wearing his dog-collar. ‘I made the decision to stay in the priesthood quite quickly – I knew that was what I wanted – but that didn’t stop my feelings for you, I had to work on that.’
‘I’m sorry, Michael.’
I felt sick. What a selfish, callous bitch I’d been. I had scarcely given Michael a thought once he’d left and all the time he was going through what I was now going through over Robbie. Well, maybe not exactly the same, because I knew if I had the choice between being a nun or being with Robbie, there was no contest.
‘So how long have you been in Retford?’ I asked.
‘Just coming up for two years.’
‘I’ve been here nearly six years. I’m amazed we haven’t bumped into each other before now. Alison and I opened the shop just before Christmas; I’m here nearly every day.’
We talked a while longer, I filled him in on all my news, good and bad, including my heartbreak over Robbie. Then as dusk began to settle, we made a move to go. It seemed perfectly natural to hug him goodbye, so I did.
Standing in the confines of the back room hugging Michael, held none of the excitement of all those years ago. He felt like an old friend, nothing more. But when he released me, Michael kept his hands on my shoulders. I looked into his eyes and realised I was seeing the same smouldering passion as before.
‘Michael?’
He took a step closer and I was mesmerised by him. I watched his mouth come closer and closer until his lips, warm and familiar, covered mine. Just for one brief second, it felt good to be in his arms, it felt good to be wanted.