“Pierce is pretty cool, huh?” Harley says. “Wonder what’s up with him and Dyna.”
I reach over, clamp the pillow over my mouth, and scream into it as loud as I can. It feels so good I do it a few more times before flipping face-first onto my bed.
The discussion downstairs turns to the real possibility of Harley applying to the Air Force Academy, and I can’t stand to be in this house one more second.
Feeling around until I locate Jay’s poem, I stare at his beautiful words about finding our fit.
I dial his number and as soon as he picks up I tell him where he needs to meet me.
“Really? Are you sure?” he asks.
“Yes. Absolutely.”
After a pause he says, “I’ll come pick you up.”
I glance toward my bedroom door. “No, I’ll just meet you there.”
“It’s almost six-thirty, Dyna. The sun will be setting soon and I don’t think you should be driving in the dark your first time out.”
“Don’t worry. I’m not driving.”
21
By the time I reach the clearing my leg is throbbing on account of the molten lava that’s flowing through it.
Jay rushes forward the moment I hit the turnoff and catches me as I allow my bike to clatter to the ground. “Ungh!” I groan, and clutch my wrapped ankle as he eases me down to sit in the dirt. I look up at his concerned face as a team of endorphins gets busy putting out the fire in my leg.
“I did it!” I laugh in disbelief. “Oh my god, I didn’t think I could. But I did it.”
His astonishment hardens to anger. “What the hell, Dyna? When you said you weren’t driving I assumed you were getting a lift. What made you think you could ride your bike this far?”
“I know, right?” I’m hit with a wave of giddiness as I turn to the swim hole
and gasp.
It is so changed.
The setting sun has dyed the cliff a shimmering rose, and thick patches of red and yellow leaves are doubled in the water’s reflection. The effect should be breathtaking, except it’s ruined by a new chain-link fence surrounding the whole area. It looks as if the swim hole has been placed under arrest.
“What the…?” My voice goes small and I hug my knees. “A fence?”
“I can’t believe they put it up so quickly.” Jay grins at me. “Now nobody else can get hurt.”
“Nobody…” I can’t take my eyes off the silver abomination. “That’s not…”
“Hey.” He moves to embrace me, but I’m a marble statue sitting on the ground. “This is a good thing, Dyna. If they’d done this sooner you never would’ve fallen.” He reaches to push the hair off my face but I deflect his hand. I climb slowly to my feet and limp over to the disgusting fence.
My fingers grip at the chain links and I shake with all my strength. The fence responds with a rattling metallic laugh. “This is awful. And it’s all my fault.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Jay says. “In fact, I feel pretty responsible.”
“How are you…?” I’ve caught my breath from the ride, but I still can’t finish my sentences.
Jay smiles proudly. “I wrote a letter to the New Paltz Times about what a hazard this place is. Well, was. This must be the water company’s response.” He gestures to the fence as if it’s a grand prize I’ve just won.
I want to slap the rubber grin off his face.
I can’t believe it. “Now nobody can enjoy the swim hole.”
“This place was a lawsuit waiting to happen, if you ask me.”
“Well, who the hell did ask you?” Staring at the hideous silver scar, I accuse, “This is how you want to keep me, isn’t it? All fenced in.”
The color drains from Jay’s face. “I just want you to be safe, Dyna-baby.” He wavers on his feet, but I don’t hold back.
“There is no such thing as safe, Jay. Anything can happen. I can slip in my bathtub and break my damn neck.” Jay tilts his head, as if a new angle may help him understand why I’m suddenly so angry.
I don’t like feeling this pissed off. I want to push out the words that everything’s fine and that the two of us are still okay. But I need to stop being afraid of my own intensity.
I know what has to happen.
“Jay, I will always love you,” I tell him. “God, I literally owe you my life … but we need to break up.”
His eyes narrow in confusion, and I’m reeling over what I’ve just said. I ache to take it back but I can’t. It’s the truth.
“B-but I saved you,” he sputters as if in shock. “I’m responsible for your life, Dyna.”
“No, Jay. You’re not,” I say firmly. “I am.”
He sits down hard on the ground like his legs just gave out. I cringe at how much this hurts. When he finally speaks, his voice is so low I can barely hear him. “Is there somebody else?”
I stammer, “I-I-I…” Which is enough of an answer for his shoulders to drop.
“But when? I’ve been with you practically every second you’re not at Ulysses…” His head snaps up to look at me. “That Pierce guy?” The accusation has an edge and I’m immediately defensive.
“No, we’re not together. In fact, he probably hates me right now.”
Jay laughs. “Dyna, trust me when I tell you, there’s no way that guy could ever hate you. Don’t think I never noticed the way he looks at you.”
“This really isn’t about him, Jay.” I crouch down to face him. “This is about us being stuck and needing to break out. When we met, you had your sights set on becoming a writer in New York City. Now I hear you’re thinking of staying local? Just to be near me?”
“Your mom told you?”
“No. I overheard her telling my dad.”
“I was willing to make a sacrifice because I’m in love with you, Dyna. Can’t you see that?”
I stand and step up to the fence. “The two of us have been frozen in time, Jay. I’ve been locked into what happened here. My fall. Being a victim.” I rattle the fence for emphasis. “I need to break out and start living again.”
Jay’s voice bleeds. “But I love being frozen with you.”
“I’ve loved it, too,” I say softly. “I honestly have. But there’s a part of me that I lost that day. A wild part. I blamed that wild part for messing up my ankle and almost getting me killed. But I can’t bottle it up anymore, Jay. I’m sorry.”
I don’t know how much he can understand, but after a long moment he furrows his brow and drags himself to his feet. I wait a few beats before sliding into a full-body hug. I could sob for the familiar feel of his embrace.
“We hold each other back,” I say. “I need to be free, not sheltered. And you!” I pull away and look up at him. “You are going to be a great writer one day. And I will be so proud when I hear about it.” My voice cracks.
“Well, the best writers are all anguished. You’re certainly contributing to that right now.” His green eyes find mine. “But, Dyna, can’t you see what you’re giving up? Are you really willing to risk what we have?”
Risk. The word flows over me and settles in my chest. It frightens me to think of leaving Jay’s safe arms.
I grip the sides of his waist and look into his eyes, willing him to really hear my words. “Isn’t life about the risks?” His face blurs through my tears.
He exhales loudly and looks up at the rails for a moment before hugging me again.
We stay like that for a time. Knowing that when we leave the swim hole everything will be different. Again.
When Jay finally asks if he can please drive me home I tell him I want to hang out here alone a bit longer.
“Will you at least have somebody pick you up?”
“That’s not your worry. I’ve got this.”
He gives me a defeated smile. I close my eyes as he kisses me goodbye and whispers, “Be well, precious wildflower.”
When he turns to go I notice the rosy glow of the fading light has shifted to blue. Even if I rush to leave right this mome
nt I’ll be riding home in the dark, but I slump down onto a rock anyway.
The water reflects the growing twilight through the fence.
And I wonder just how deep down
the girl who broke that surface can be.
The sun dips below the mountains as I point my bike toward home and start pedaling. I’m trying to make my good leg do most of the work, but every part of me throbs as I maneuver down the trail. The stars are all hiding and I’ve been indoors for so long I don’t even know what phase the moon is in.
A slash of blackness swipes at me and I give a girly scream before realizing it’s only a bat. Pull it together, Dyna.
As the light fades I can’t anticipate the bumps and dips and creatures moving freely in the night. I skid to a stop and root through my bike pack for my headlamp. Thankfully, the batteries still have a little juice, but the beam is just a dim circle of light shaking along the ground in front of me as I push on.
I’m sweating despite the chilly night air. Physically and emotionally shot. Something huge crashes through the woods toward me. My headlamp slides askew as I
skid on the fallen leaves.
Barely avoid the deer I’ve spooked.
The light from my headlamp blinks and goes dark.
Damn batteries.
I stop my bike and fling my head back,
looking up into the black. Hopeless.
And then.
I can’t see anything.
But I know they’re there.
The undersides of trees.
The sky.
The stars.
I am not alone.
What was that Pierce said in his bedroom? You can’t let anything keep you from what you love.
I walk my bike forward.
Fear has been keeping me from my woods.
Keeping me from what I love.
My eyes adjust to the darkness and I push off again.
Forcing my pedals around, I build momentum. Churn my suffering legs. Turn on Dyna’s porno sound track. Dig in and press on endlessly until
the trees break and the moon finally makes an appearance.
Wooden planks rumble beneath my tires and with
a vibrating woosh
I glide across the bridge,
surrender to the brilliant river,
and welcome my release.
22
I borrow Harley’s Wrangler the next day and drive myself to Ulysses. Mom tried to object, but Dad stepped in and the two of them were brawling sweetly when I left. I can’t believe I didn’t push myself to drive much sooner. How did I forget how great it feels to just hit the gas and go?
The sky looks menacing as I make the turn into the center. My ankle is stiff and sore and I had to wrap it extra-tight, but I’m so happy I don’t care. With work, I’m going to do all of the things that I love. I’m excited to tell Pierce about my incredible ride home last night.
When I’d finally parked my bike in the garage and walked through the door, Mom was so mad I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d just broken up with Jay. I tried explaining how significant it was for me to be out on the trail again, but she just gathered her robe tight and stormed off to bed.
Dad stood there for a long moment with his arms crossed. Finally, a smile pulled at the sides of his mouth and he reached out to put his arm around me. The one that has my name tattooed on it. He leaned in to give me a kiss on my forehead and whispered, “That’s my girl.” I’d smiled at how right he was.
I expect the group to be inside because of the gathering storm, but when I pull up to Ulysses everyone’s standing in the parking lot watching the van. Miss is in the driver’s seat talking to Sparky.
When I ask what’s going on Polly turns toward me and I gasp. Her patch is gone and in place of her ruined eye is a diamond-encrusted glass one.
“Oh my god, that looks fantastic,” I say, and I’m not kidding. She looks amazing, like a crazy-beautiful Asian cyborg or something.
Polly flashes a quick smile. “I needed a change.”
Frank explains that we’re going on a field trip to hike on the mountain in the rain. “Miss decided the lightning storm forecasted this morning will be perfect for Sparky’s recovery challenge.”
“Wha—?”
Rita nods nervously.
“It’s a one-day-only sale on cray-cray,” Polly says sarcastically.
I look through the van window at the stress on Sparky’s face and feel instant pity. I may be working through my own stuff, but I still think fear of lightning can be a healthy thing.
“This is insane,” I say to nobody, and everybody nods in agreement. Everybody besides Pierce, that is. He’s sitting on the steps to the deck, scowling at a patch of crabgrass as if it isn’t living up to its full potential.
He watches me use my cane to lower myself beside him and then goes back to glaring at the ground.
“You need to talk to her.” I gesture to Miss, who has started loading water bottles into the van. “We can’t go to the mountain today. The air is filled with electricity. Poor Sparky is terrified.”
“Says the girl who’s afraid to risk anything.” Pierce’s eyes are brewing with hostility.
“What the hell’s your problem?” I squint at him. “I’m the one who should be pissed after you basically outed our kiss to my whole family.”
“Your kiss,” he says. “You kissed me, remember?”
“Forget it.” I rise to leave but he grabs my arm.
“Wait, Dyna…” I sit back down and he lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry for the way I acted in front of your parents.”
“Well, my dad thinks you’re kind of great, actually. But my mom might need some convincing that you don’t have a master plan to ruin my life.”
“Yeah, I got that impression from her when I called last night.”
“You called?”
“I wanted to talk to you, to apologize. But don’t worry, your mom made it perfectly clear you ran right out to meet your boyfriend the second I left.”
I imagine the tone Mom must’ve used. I’m sure she made it obvious that Pierce’s call was not welcome.
“It wasn’t like that…”
Pierce holds a finger up to my lips and gives a sneer. “I get it, Dyna. We can just go back to pretending nothing ever happened. I guess I was wrong about you all along.”
I try to grab his arm as he stands up, but he pulls away.
“Pile in!” Miss hollers, and Pierce is gone before I can even begin to explain. Damn, he’s quick for a one-legged boy.
By the time I reach the van, Sparky and Pierce are tucked in the way back already. I hear Pierce saying, “Just stay close to me. Who knows? Maybe my metal leg will draw the lightning and keep you safe.”
Sparky is too busy gripping the seat in front of him to appreciate Pierce’s attempt at humor.
“Buckle up, gang,” Miss calls. “I need to hurry if we want the best odds of catching that storm.”
I jump into the passenger seat beside her and in a low voice accuse, “Sparky is statistically more likely to be struck by lightning again. Not less.”
“Says who?” Miss hisses back.
I squint at her. “Do you not have access to the Internet? I looked it up.”
“Pshaw,” she says as she starts up the van. “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet, Dyna.”
“I know that butterfly story of yours is bullshit.” She raises her eyebrows and I add, “Ulysses are only found in Australia and I notice you don’t have an Australian accent, mate.”
She rubs her pendant with her fingers. “Do you honestly think the species of the butterfly is what’s important?”
“Um, yes, I do,” I say. “Your center is one big sham, starting with the name.”
Miss shifts her whole body toward me. “I am running one of the most successful and respected therapy programs in the Mid-Hudson Valley.” Her words are emphasized with actual spittle. “Now you can either buckle up or get the hell out
, Dyna.”
I turn and look at the group of people sitting behind us, watching. Everything in me wants to bail on this trip, but as I absorb each expectant face I know I can’t ditch them again. With a growl I turn around, pull my seat belt on, and click myself in.
23
Only batshit-crazy fools would be on the mountain today.
“Park’s all ours,” Miss announces as she pulls into the empty parking lot. Yup, batshit-crazy fools.
Pierce has Sparky totally pumped by now, and the two of them burst out of the van’s side door with a roar. They head for the trail leading up the mountain like a two-man stampede.
I tell Miss, “This is a bad idea,” but she just ignores me as she helps Rita out of the van.
If I have any hope of talking to Pierce, it looks like I’ll have to catch him first. He and Sparky jog down the path, and despite the pain and stiffness from my late-night bike ride, I take off after them. My tightly wrapped ankle hurts like hell and my calf muscle feels like a steel rod as I lurch along, leaning heavily on my cane.
As soon as the boys reach the first bend in the path the trees swallow them whole.
“You guys mind waiting up?” I holler.
“You mind keeping up?” Pierce pokes his head back into view before disappearing again.
An echoing thunder rumbles its warning. Grunting in frustration, I stride faster.
I breathe in the melody of sharp pine and musty birch, and despite everything I feel my insides shifting at being on the mountain after all this time.
I’m back.
The rest of the group begins to fall farther behind as I chase after Pierce and Sparky. I hear Miss tell Polly to “keep it moving, Miss Bling.”
I finally catch up at the first overlook. The boys are completely absorbed, staring at the exploding color surrounding the lake below. As well as the dark menacing clouds swarming over it.
The others join us one by one as fat droplets of rain start to fall.
“A heads-up that we were going to be playing outside today might have been nice,” Polly shouts. “I would’ve at least brought an umbrella.”
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