Sh*t My Vampire Says
Witches Gone Wild #3
A Magic & Mayhem Novella
Chapter One
Wild Texas…
Miss Lavender Verbana Greengrass loved mornings. Loooooooved them. She fluttered around the house in her black silk pajamas, her gossamer pink wings shimmering in the bright beams of sunlight that bounced through the multitude of windows. She flitted from plant to plant, cooing and fussing as she fed her babies.
“Aren’t you a dear?” she said in the Irish lilt she’d never been able to completely Americanize. She’d lived on this continent for more than hundred years and in Texas for the last thirty, and she hadn’t shaken Ireland from her voice. She tickled the soft edge of the slender stalk leaning toward her. “Oh, my darling little Monkey. Here you go.” She plopped the food into its inner chamber.
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”
The scream startled Lavender so much she nearly dropped the shining silver tray with her plant’s num-nums on it. Carefully, she placed the tray on a nearby counter and flew toward the large picture window.
Outside, a wrinkly old man with wisps of white hair danced around her back yard. He wore a cape à la Dracula, and to her delight, he also wore black pajamas. The man had wonderful taste in sleepwear.
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Ah!”
Lavender tilted her head as she watched the elderly gentlemen change his two-step hopping into an odd “running in a circle and flapping his hands” routine she thought she recognized.
She opened the back door and poked her head out. “Excuse me, sir. Are you doing the Chicken Dance?”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m doing the holy-shit-I’m-gonna-die dance,” he screamed in a hoarse voice. “Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”
Then the tufts of silver hair that poked out from his head erupted into flames.
* * *
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma…
“You lost your vampire?” Jessica O’Halloran, a trim brunette dressed in jeans, a pink T-shirt, and Reeboks, stared at Caulder Mason. Her smile was razor-sharp. Vampire fangs tended to affect the sincerity of a bloodsucker’s grin.
“I didn’t lose him,” said Caulder. “I just don’t know where he is right now.” His younger sister Lissa loved causes. And it was her fault he stood in the Adopt-An-Elderly Vampire downtown office with Patrick O’Halloran’s scary wife, taking his lumps over Grandpa Flight Risk’s, well, flight.
In this small town, Main Street was the heart of the paranormal community. The town’s only café, garage repair shop, bookstore, and so forth were located on this street. Caulder preferred his solitude and rarely ventured from the were-cat colony several miles away from the town. Even in the colony, he’d chosen to be alone. He’d built his two-room cabin in the dense woods to avoid dealing with people.
The only person in the world who mattered to him, his sister, had made a life among their kind. She’d mated and, more recently, had babies. She was his exact opposite: sunny, friendly, and affectionate.
And she was why he stood in this tiny office squirming under Jessica’s irritated gaze.
“Look, dude. Part of the rules of your participation in the adopt-a-vampire-grandparent program is that you keep your old bloodsucker within sight at all times.” She pointed to a poster on the wall that listed the agency’s mission statement and then five rules. #1 was “Keep your elderly vampire within sight at all times.”
“Does it count if he was only in my sight for a minute before disappearing?”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Did you put a tracker on him?”
“A tracker?”
“Yeah. Like this.” She picked up a bowl and took out a little black dot. “Our security dude Brady invented these. You stick ‘em on the back of the neck and download an app. Boom. You’ve got tabs on your undead geezer.”
Caulder ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know that was an option.”
“What’s the point of writing a detailed Guide to Taking Care of Your Older Vampire if no one reads it?”
“Technically, Raymond Cobbler isn’t my vampire. My sister Lissa signed up for this program. I only met him one time when she brought him to my cabin.” Much to Caulder’s annoyance. She said if he were going to get a social life, she’d bring one to him. In his view, an elderly vampire who thought “pull my finger” was still hilarious didn’t merit the description of socializing. “But she went into early labor, and now, she and her husband have triplets. Their hands are full right now.”
“Lissa Gilroy?” Jessica beamed. “That’s so great! Your sister is a sweetheart. I can’t wait to see those babies.” She paused. “I didn’t know she had a brother.”
“I don’t get out much.”
“Hmm.” Jessica looked down at her tablet, frowning as she scrolled. Then she paused and looked up. “You’re in luck. Lissa put a tracker on Ray. Where’s your phone? I’ll show how to download the app.”
“I don’t have a phone.”
“You don’t have a cell phone?” She shook her head. “No one uses land lines anymore. All we have is the cell tower.”
“Well, even if a land line was available, I wouldn’t have one.”
“How does your sister get hold of you?”
“She drives out to my place. And in a pinch, I have a CB radio.”
Jessica stared at him for a full thirty seconds, her mouth hanging open.
“Can’t you just tell me where he is?”
The vampire blinked. “Yeah. Sure.” She looked on the tablet. “Why would he go there?” She tapped the screen and used two of her fingers to expand an image. She flipped the tablet around and showed him. “He’s in Texas—in a little paranormal town called Wild. It’s way smaller than ours, but the people there are cool. And by people, I mean Shifters and witches and so forth.”
Caulder studied the map carefully. “Thank you.” He turned to go.
“You’ll need to go see Cotton Tabor and his wife, Immie, before you go stomping around town. They’re the guardians. If you don’t have their permission to visit, Wild’s protective magic will throw you out on your ass.” She tapped the image again. “See that dot? That’s their house. I’ll call and let them know you’re on your way.”
“I appreciate that,” he said. Once again, he turned to go.
“Wait. Do you want me to print you out the map?”
“I don’t need it.” He’d been born with an eidetic memory, which meant he couldn’t forget the map he’d just seen or the conversation he’d just had with Jessica. That was another reason he lived in seclusion. His recalls were so vividly detailed, he often felt overwhelmed, and there were some experiences he didn’t want to relive. Ever. “I memorized the map and the address.”
“In three seconds?”
“Two,” he said, smiling. “Thanks for your help.”
“Thanks for making my evening confusing and strange.”
His smiled widened. “I do what I can.”
Caulder waved a final good-bye and left the office. He’d parked in front of the building, so he didn’t have to go far to get into his battered white truck. He’d had the vehicle for a long time. He’d replaced the engine twice, and nearly everything else at least once. He didn’t mind the rust or the body damage. He had enough scars of his own that he wouldn’t remove those earned by another. Even if it was an inanimate object.
“All right, Ray,” he muttered as he started the truck. Its rumble was as reassuring as a werecat’s purr. “I’m coming to get you.”
Want more? Check Out Sh*t My Vampire Says on Amazon!
Love the crazy citizens of Wild, Texas?
Then check out the parakind community Broken Heart, Oklahoma!
BROKEN HEART VAMPIRE SERIES
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Cross Your Heart
Must Love Lycans
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Broken Heart Tails
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Grin and Bear It (Late Fall 2017)
Want a taste of Broken Heart? Get the free short story, Valentine’s Day Sucks, by CLICKING HERE.
About the Author
New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Michele Bardsley writes about Oklahoma vampires, alpha werewolves, small-town romance, Las Vegas ghosts, curvy heroines, and super hot heroes. Obsessed with dark chocolate, "Supernatural," and all things yarn, she creates fictional worlds because, hey, it's a lot more fun than housework. She lives happily-ever-after in Texas with her husband and their fur babies.
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