by Clare Revell
“Why end your career?”
“I can’t ride like this. I can’t do anything anymore. Can’t walk without limping or run or wear short skirts or drive or…” Anger spilled out into her voice before she reined it in. She’d never worn a skirt shorter than ankle length since she started choosing her own clothes when she was nine, but that was beside the point. And the only time she wore trousers they were jodhpurs.
“But you survived.”
“I shouldn’t have. Three other jockeys fell during that race. They all got up and walked away. I should have broken my neck. It would have been better than this.”
“I’m not going to sit here and give you platitudes, because you don’t want them and to be honest, neither do I.” He paused. “Can I be frank?”
Cassie held his gaze, feeling her cheeks warm again. For a moment she was fourteen and they were at the park playing superheroes with Danny. Jack was always Frank, she was Jill, and Danny was Charlie. Together they became Thunder, Lightning, and Storm — Thunder Force Three — an unbeatable team that could solve anything, anytime, anywhere and anyhow. “Sure…if I can be Jill.”
A wry smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, making him look far handsomer than a pastor had a right to be. “If what?”
“If you’re going to change your name to Frank, then I’ll change mine to Jill.”
Jack’s warm chocolate laugh set her nerve endings tingling. “You remember that, too. I haven’t thought about that in years. Sure, sounds good to me.” He took a mouthful of his coffee and looked at her over the cup. “A lot happened since then, hasn’t it?”
“You wanted to be a policeman, and I was going to be a vet. What happened to those young, innocent kids?”
“We grew up, became streetwise. The dream bubble burst into reality. I went to college, and when I came back you’d left to work with horses. You always did like riding. Every Saturday you’d be at the stables.”
“You came as well, sometimes. Used to think…” She broke off, feeling her cheeks burn.
“Go on. You started so you might as well finish.”
Cassie snorted with laughter. “Just because you were school quiz champion several years running doesn’t mean you can toss that around, either. I used to think you came because of me. When I was twelve I had this massive crush on you. My diary had Mrs. Cassie Chambers written all over it.” She glanced up, trying to read the expression on his face. She couldn’t believe she just told him that. What must he think of her now?
His eyes twinkled. “Oh, aye? That must have been some crush you had. From what I remember I was spotty, gawky and kept falling over my own feet.”
“That was part of your charm. The only time I saw you, though, was when I hung out with Danny. I was never sure if you liked me or simply tolerated me because I was Danny’s kid sister he had to keep an eye on during the holidays. I’d designed the wedding dress and everything. I always intended to use it one day no matter who I married.” She paused. “Actually, if you want the honest truth, it’s the one I’m doing for the window display.”
“Seriously?”
Cassie nodded. “I spent the last two days making the pattern, cutting the fabric, pinning and sewing. I still haven’t told Danny what I’m doing. The suspense is killing him. So what happened to you going to Police College?”
“I failed the physical exam.” Jack shrugged. “At the time I was pretty mad at God. I had no backup plan. I’d spent six months there, only to be thrown out for being unfit. Dad suggested I volunteer at the Salvation Army place for a few weeks, give me something to do. I told him that was a bit like working for the enemy. You know what he told me? That maybe that’s where God wanted me. Perhaps God thought the talents he gave me would be wasted in the police force. And if I didn’t want to do it for that reason, do it because it would look good on my C.V.” He sipped his coffee. “So I worked with the homeless in Whitgate for six months. I enjoyed it enough to do it full time for a while. That’s where I met Elisa. We started working with the youth group in the church we attended in Whitgate. We married and went to Bible College. I served four years as a pastor in Cumbria and then got called back here.”
Jack’s eyes glistened, and he swallowed hard as his face worked madly to contain his emotions. “Had I stayed with the police, I never would have met Elisa. We were married ten years. She was diagnosed just after we moved here, and died five months later.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was hard, but I have a lot of good memories.”
“And you have Lara. Does she look like Elisa?”
“Yeah she does. Elisa was three months pregnant when they told her she had cancer. The doctors offered her an abortion—termination was the way they phrased it—but she said no. We’d been trying for a baby for years and this was the first time she’d gotten pregnant. We talked about it when she first got sick and made the decision together. Termination wasn’t an option. They couldn’t treat her because of the baby…” His voice broke.
“Jack, I’m so sorry.” It made her problems seem tiny in comparison. She’d lost a leg—Jack had lost his whole life.
“Elisa got weaker and weaker. They delivered Lara seven weeks early, but it was too late. Elisa got to hold Lara and name her. Then she slipped into a coma and died a few hours later.”
There was no bitterness in his voice, like there’d been in hers—just grief.
“Don’t you blame God in any of this?”
“I asked “why” a fair bit. I loved Elisa so much. I would have traded my life for hers without question or pause. Yet she chose to give life to our daughter, knowing full well it meant sacrificing hers. But the Lord had His reasons for this. Even if I don’t understand them, right now.” He set the cup down, his hands shaking.
“Your faith must be pretty strong.”
“That’s what everyone says, but it’s not. I have as many doubts and fears as anyone else. And yes, I fall into sin, too. Elisa’s death shook me to the core and stripped me of everything. All I could do was cling to my Rock, or I’d drown in grief. The Lord sustained me, threw me a lifejacket and kept my head above water. I still miss her. I wish she’d been here to see Lara’s first step, her first word, and her first day at school. But I have more good memories than bad. I wake with a smile, not a tear because I know one day I’ll see her again.”
“But…I’m not you. I didn’t ask for this anymore than you did. You have Lara…and I have—” Cassie broke off.
“Go on.”
“I have nothing. I didn’t make Jeremiah’s Fancy fall. I didn’t whip him like the other riders did their horses. I did everything right. I was bringing glory to God through what I did…and now it’s over. The horse still races, but me? I can’t ride or race or—”
“Why not? Have the doctors told you that?”
“It won’t be the same. No one wants a disabled jockey. Or a disabled anything, come to that.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Cassandra.”
Her full name jerked her head up, shock resounding through her.
“Disabled is only a discriminating label if you allow it to be. If you look through the Bible, it is incredible just how often Jesus sought out people who were disabled in some way. Not just the blind, and the lame, but those with leprosy or some other disease. You’ll find an example on almost every page of the four gospels.” He pulled a Bible from his pocket and showed her several examples. “Jesus didn’t treat someone who “isn’t normal” any different or love them any less than the rest of the world. In fact you could extrapolate and say that everyone is disabled by sin to some extent.”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that.”
“Fear can be just as much a disability if you let it control your every move. Honestly though, there is nothing to stop you from climbing back on a horse right now if you wanted to.” He looked at her, his gaze making her uncomfortable. “Unless you’re too scared. Have you even been near a horse since?” He’d hit the nail on the head wi
th that one.
“No. I can’t even watch racing on the TV anymore. Not without having a panic attack.”
“Cassie, there is nothing wrong with a healthy fear of horses. When I was a kid, I’d rather steer well clear of them than hang around a stable.”
“But you went riding twice a month.”
“How else was I supposed to see you without Danny around?”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t think you liked me as anything more than your brother’s friend. Just think, if we’d gotten married back then I’d never have become a pastor, and you’d never have been a jockey. You were a good one, too. We never put a proper bet on you, but we’d do it in cakes. If you won, I got an extra cake at tea on a Saturday. If you lost then Elisa got it.”
“I never lost.”
Jack patted his nonexistent stomach. “Good job I worked out then.”
She laughed with him. “You always could eat what you wanted and never gain weight. I just have to look at a cream cake—especially now.”
“My point is God didn’t take your leg.”
“Then why?”
“I don’t know. But perhaps He used this accident to show you He wants you to do something else with your life.”
“There had to be a better way to get my attention.”
“How would you want Him to do that? Taking out a front page advertisement in the morning papers or a neon sign at the race course? Would you have taken any notice?”
“I don’t know.” She put her cup down and pulled the subject to safer ground. “Would you like to see the dress—as you gave me the idea for it.”
“You bet.” He put his cup down and stood.
Cassie unfolded her leg and reached for the crutches. “The prosthesis rubbed my stump raw yesterday. It’s far too painful to wear it today. That’s why I didn’t go in to work. Don’t want everyone seeing me like this.”
“It sounds like it doesn’t fit properly. Make an appointment to get it measured again. That might help. There should be no reason why you can’t walk or run with it. Injured soldiers do it all the time.”
I hadn’t thought of that…but that could be it. “That’s a good idea, thank you. I’ll ring later. The dress is in the spare bedroom.”
Cassie's Wedding Dress
4
Jack followed Cassie up the stairs, admiring the way she hopped up them, holding the banister and the crutches, all while holding her skirt out of the way. A tailor’s dummy stood in the middle of the bedroom floor with the most amazing dress he’d ever seen draped over it. Nothing like Elisa’s had been. It reminded him of the medieval dresses right out of a history book.
Cassie had always preferred long, flowing skirts with loads of layers, even as a kid. She’d spent hours dressing up in vintage dresses that belonged to her grandmother. Every fancy dress competition had seen her in medieval pointed sleeves, flowing, girdled gowns and a pointed hat with ribbons dangling from the top. Exactly like a princess from a fairy story. If this was what she designed for her wedding, it suited her to a tee.
“It turned out exactly how I pictured it. I’d planned to use crushed velvet as I always wanted a winter wedding. With seven bridesmaids, each in red and green velvet matching dresses. It’s not quite finished yet—I still need to do the beading along the neckline and hem it.”
Jack’s fingers ran over the sleeve. “It’s beautiful, Cassie. And it’d look beautiful on you.”
She smiled. “Thank you. Just a shame I’ll never get to wear it.”
“Why ever not?”
“Why do you think?” She pointed at her one leg. “No one is going to want to marry me.” And I designed this dress with you in mind. And that will never be.
“Why ever not? People fall in love with others because of personalities and character, not because of physical issues. That’s like saying one can’t marry someone because they have ginger hair or are left handed. Or a diabetic, or someone with high blood pressure… or cancer. Do you think I loved Elisa any less because she got cancer? The cancer may have changed her body and ended her life, but she was still the same person inside. Just like you are. Being here with you, it’s like we’ve gone back to when we were kids and friends with each other. All I see is you and your personality. Just like you see me and not my hair color or which hand I write with.”
“But we can’t be friends, can we, Pastor?”
“Is that all I am? Your pastor?”
Cassie’s mouth dried up and no matter how hard she tried to swallow the huge lump in her throat, she couldn’t do it. How could she tell him the truth, that if she was offered a chance with him, she’d jump at it. But she had too much baggage, and he was her pastor, and it wasn’t going to happen.
“All right, in that case, let’s sit for a minute. There are a few things I need to say.”
Cassie perched on the edge of the bed and watched Jack sit on the floor in front of her. “What?”
“When we were teenagers—did you mean your profession of faith? The testimony you gave at your baptism?”
“Yes I did.”
“Then let me remind you of something basic. When you become a Christian, God seals your salvation. He takes firm hold of your hand and will never let go of it. Doubts and trials come and for a little while we may let go of Him. But He never lets go of us. It’s like superglue, Cassie. He’s promised He won’t let go and He never breaks His promises. He can’t—because of who He is. Remember—I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
“Joshua chapter one, verse five.”
“That’s one of many verses which underline the same thing over and over.”
Cassie looked at him, her eyes burning with tears. “But would God still want me? Even after all those horrid things I thought about Him?”
“Does your mother love you unconditionally, even though more than once you probably told her you hated her? Lara tells me that at least once a week. Yet I love her nonetheless.”
Cassie nodded. “She keeps telling me she loves me.”
“In Luke eleven, Jesus says, ‘Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!’”
“But…” her voice tailed off.
“No buts. God never lets go. He loves you. In John six, verse thirty-seven, Jesus says, All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.”
“I really messed up, Pastor.” Cassie’s voice broke as she closed her eyes. She’d missed the friendship with her Lord and it was all her own doing. She was out of practice at praying and stumbled over the words in her mind.
Jack said aloud what she was thinking. He prayed, far more eloquently than she ever could, and her heart echoed his words, meaning every last one of them.
Finally she looked up, her cheeks wet with tears. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Cass.”
“Oh…” she whispered. “You haven’t called me that in a long time. Not since—”
“—that game of pass ball on the church youth group weekend away,” Jack finished. “You lost your front tooth when you tried to tackle Jeremy.”
She nodded. “Long time ago.” She rubbed her sleeve over her eyes. “I must look a sight.”
“You couldn’t look a sight even if you tried really hard.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere.” Cassie smiled through her tears.
Jack’s smile rocked her to her core. Was she misinterpreting what she saw in his eyes?
“I’ll let you get back to your sewing. Will you let me know when you reveal it? I’d like to be there.”
“Of course. I’ll see you out.”
“It’s fine. I can see myself out. Save you doing the stairs twice.” He stood. “Will I see you on Sunday?”
; “Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.” Cassie paused as she realized what she said. She looked at him, her horror melting as she laughed with him.
After he left she thought about what Jack had said, and called the clinic to make an appointment to get the prosthesis checked. Luckily, they had a cancellation for that afternoon. Maybe it was a blessing, although she certainly didn’t deserve one. Maybe she’d be able to walk without pain for the first time in forever.
****
Cassie barely came up for air the next couple of days, trying to get the dress finished. She found herself longing for Sunday. Not just because she’d see Jack again, if only from the congregation as he preached, but because she would be back in God’s house where she belonged. Properly back.
As she sewed, hymns of praise fell from her lips, but the images in her mind were of Jack. I can be content with just seeing him as a pastor, can’t I? No, I want more…I want him…I always have. He brought me back to You, Lord. I still don’t understand why this happened, but so long as I can keep You, that’s fine with me.
Sunday came and she sat where she knew Jack would notice her. She put her whole being into the service and wasn’t surprised when she got more out of it than she had in a long time. The next step was membership. This was where she belonged. She wasn’t sure if the store was where God wanted her, but she knew without a doubt He wanted her in this church.
At the door, she shook Jack’s hand. “Thank you. That was a really helpful message.”
“I’m glad you found it so. How are you doing?”
“Better…actually really good. I want to apply for membership.”
Jack’s smile turned into a beam. “That’s great. I’ll get on it for you and arrange the interview.”
“Thank you…and you were right about the prosthesis, too. I went to the clinic and it wasn’t fitted right. I pick up the new one tomorrow at twelve, or whenever the bus gets me there. Until then, they’ve adjusted the padding on this one.”