by J. A. Delese
“I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t,” he repeated, covering his face with his hands. He wanted to go back to the first night they met. Then, he would do everything differently. He would ask her who she was and would ask her out politely. He wouldn’t be rude to her or insult her by asking those questions, If he could go back to the night.
But you can’t.
He could hear her voice in his head—the same sweet voice as his Liz, but colder and darker. Now he could tell that their voices were a bit different. He smiled bitterly.
I know, Catherine. After all, you can’t be my Liz.
Andrew
He ran into the bar. He had tried to come as quickly as possible, but he had too many things to handle today and Tom really contacted him at the last minute. He needed to cancel his appointment with his wife, Anne. She would surely be upset, but he thought that he really needed to go to Tom. Tom had never called him for a drink, so he felt strange about it. Actually when Tom called him, it sounded like he was already drunk. So Andrew was worried about him. He rushed down to the bar.
“What the….” Andrew found him with his face on the table and the bartender looking at him worriedly.
“Tom, are you alright?” Andrew asked as he approached Tom.
Tom opened his eyes and took a look at Andrew and smiled.
“Andrew! You’re finally here!” Tom gave him a big smile and stood up from the chair, opening his arms to hug him. Andrew felt freaking awkward and honestly wanted to refuse, but it seemed like his best friend was in trouble; so he didn’t say anything and let his friend hug him.
“Are you alright? Is something wrong?” Andrew asked, patting Tom’s back.
Tom shook his head and sat on the chair.
“Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s perfect.”
“Then, why are you drinking like this?” Andrew asked, taking on the same worried look as the bartender. He realized that the bartender was still looking at them, so he ordered some more alcohol to make the bartender walk away from them.
“What’s going on?” he asked again.
Tom drank one more shot of whisky and sighed deeply before he answered.
“I got a girl,” Tom said.
“Wow. Who is she?”
“I don’t think you know her. I found her in New York.”
“Okay,” Andrew already felt the conversation was getting weird, but he exercised endurance for his friend who seemed very likely to be in trouble.
“And you argued with her?”
“Argued with her?” Tom started to giggle out loud.
Andrew dropped his mouth open.
What is this?
Seriously, he had never seen Tom like this. They’d known each other since they were kids, but Tom had never been like this before. He felt super strange now.
“What happened, Thomas?”
“I wish I could argue with her. I wish she would fight me back whenever I yelled at her. I wish she’d yell back at me or slap my face! But she just doesn’t talk to me. Doesn’t talk to me at all. It’s like…she’s dead. Like a doll. Like there’s no soul inside her. I want to hear her voice. I want to feel her warmth. I want to live a normal life with her. I want to be together with her! I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t mean this.”
Tom was rambling, and Andrew just stood by, listening. It was not easy to understand. Tom didn’t speak very specifically, so he couldn’t exactly understand what happened; but he could pick up some words and take a rough guess.
“So, she doesn’t talk to you. She’s ignoring you and you don’t like it. That’s it, right?” Andrew summed up the story and asked.
“Yes,” Tom answered.
The bartender brought some more alcohol and poured it into their glasses. Andrew took a sip of his whisky.
“Then, you must have made her angry. Many women are quiet when they are angry, but I guess it’s a good thing. You know, Anne, she talks a hundred times more than usual when she’s angry. I really wish she were like your girlfriend. What’s her name?”
“Catherine.”
“Catherine…. So, what did you do to make her upset that much?” Andrew asked.
“I kidnapped her.”
Andrew swallowed his whisky the wrong way and started violently coughing. Tom didn’t respond at all. Andrew coughed like twenty times and using all his strength, managed to stop coughing and demand, “WHAT?”
“I abducted her,” Tom answered in a weak tone.
“I know! I heard it! What the hell are you talking about?”
“She refused me…I visited her many times, but she refused me every time. I tried my best. I really did. But this girl is…just so difficult. She brought a man into her house. She kissed that guy, and he bought a ring for her. I couldn’t…I couldn’t just stand there and see that. I couldn’t! I couldn’t just lose her!” Tom finished. Andrew just sat there without saying anything. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe what he was listening to now. Tom kidnapped a girl? He was keeping her in his house, and now she’s angry with him?
“Of course, SHE’S ANGRY WITH YOU!” Andrew shouted without noticing how loud his voice was. Some people from the other tables turned to stare at them. Andrew noticed it and lowered his voice. He dipped his head to closer to Tom’s and spoke to him again quietly but strongly.
“What the hell were you thinking? It’s a miracle that you are still alive! If I were her, I would kill you in your sleep!” He blurted. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Andrew suddenly had an image in his head a girl on a leash like a dog.
“Don’t tell me you are a fucking pervert?” Andrew asked shortly.
“What? What are you talking about?” Tom frowned and asked back.
“Don’t tell me you locked her up in a room and kept her on a leash.”
“I don’t tie her up anymore,” Tom answered and had another shot.
“Oh…my…god, Thomas. Oh my fucking god!” Andrew repeated the words many times. He really didn’t know what else he could say. He felt the man who was sitting next to him was not his friend. It was somebody new. Someone he had never met before. He just wanted to go back home and forget about this, but he had a shot of whisky and tried to think what his friend should do, but his friend went into another monologue.
“Sometimes I couldn’t see her for days. She hides from me. I feel like I’m alone in that house. I don’t feel she’s there. I don’t even feel she’s alive. Only for some moments, when I hug her in the bed, then I know she’s still alive. But I don’t know how long I can do this. I don’t know how long she will do this. I don’t know what to do, Andrew. I really don’t know how to handle this. I really don’t know…,”
Tom stopped talking and lowered his head. His shoulders heaved as he sobbed.
Oh fuck….
Andrew had never expected to see Tom cry again.
“Are you crying?”
Tom didn’t answer back, but just cried. Seeing this, Andrew felt pity for his friend, so he patted Tom’s shoulder. Tom raised his head and looked at Andrew.
“Tell me what to do!” He grabbed Andrew’s arms and blubbered like a little kid. “You should tell me how to handle this. If it weren’t for you, I would never have seen her! I wouldn’t have seen her at all. I wouldn’t….”
Andrew didn’t understand. This whole thing was unbelievable, so he was speechless.
What the hell is he talking about?
He seriously didn’t understand what Tom said. What girl? When did he introduce a girl to Tom? He tried, but it was usually Tom who refused. He wanted to shake Tom roughly and make him explain everything, but he didn’t think Tom was in that condition, so he gave it up. Instead, he used all his energy to focus on Tom’s story and figure out what was the best way out. He thought about several possible scenarios, but he couldn’t think of any true way out but this:
“Let her go,” Andrew said seriously, but Tom started to laugh.
“What? What’s so funny?” Andrew asked.
“It’s like everybody promised to say this. Let her go! I heard that just now. Nate visited my office and said ‘Let her go! Otherwise I will tell everybody what you did!’” As soon as he said it, Tom started to laugh again. Andrew’s shock increased. He realized this was more serious than he thought. He grabbed Tom’s shoulder.
“What do you mean, he’s going to tell? How? By writing? Is that it? Tell me, Thomas!” Andrew pressed Tom for an answer.
“He said he would write an article about me. He’s a journalist, remember?”
Tom said lightly.
Andrew paused. This was definitely more serious than he thought and actually dangerous.
“Thomas,” Andrew called Tom’s name and grabbed his shoulder again. “Let her go. I mean it. You must let her go with some kind of contract, so that this can’t hurt you. This is way more serious than I thought it is. Why did you choose to do this in the first place? Jesus Christ…!”
Andrew drank another shot. He was about to say more, but Tom took his chance.
“But I want to see her. I want to be with her. I don’t want to let her go.”
Andrew could see tears rolling down Tom’s cheek. Again, this was the second time in his life that he had seen Tom cry, so he was embarrassed but also felt pity for his friend. This, however, should be handled as soon as possible. So he told Tom, “You deserve better than this, Tom. Don’t hurt yourself even more. Let her go. I will go and talk to Nate first. You go and talk to her. Please, for everyone’s sake.”
Catherine
She heard him come back. She instinctively felt that she was in danger, so she crouched in a corner of the room. She wished he would forget that she was staying in his house. She wished that he would go quietly back to his room. She wished that she could disappear from this world or be invisible to him, especially for today, but she knew it was impossible. He would come and talk to her, especially today. Nate visiting her in the morning and trying to help her meant he would be very angry now.
Please, God. Help me, please.
She prayed for help, though she knew it would not work. She prayed over and over again, but a few seconds later, she heard the door open. She closed her eyes.
There is no God in this world.
“Hello, Princess?” Tom called.
She opened her eyes and looked at him.
What is this? A princess? Is that what he called Liz?
Catherine thought he finally couldn’t distinguish who was who.
Crazy.
“How do you feel today?” Tom asked with smile, and she knew something was wrong. She could tell that he was drunk. She moved closer to the corner as she sensed danger from him.
“Aren’t you happy today? Your prince came to save you,” he said sarcastically.
Then she realized he really was talking about her.
What prince? Does he mean Nate? She answered him in her head, as usual.
“How sad. He couldn’t save you.”
He was walking across the room as he talked to her.
“Do you know why he couldn’t save you?” he asked.
He stooped down and came very close to her.
Cause you stopped him! She shouted in her head.
“Do you know why? Huh? Tell me what you THINK!”
Tom kept asking, but she didn’t answer. Why would she? She knew that her answer was not important to him. He just wanted to find fault in her comments and punish her for them.
Still, a pervert.
“Well…then…let me tell you the truth.”
He got closer to her. Now his face was right in front of her.
“The reason he couldn’t save you is because you are not a fucking PRINCESS! YOU ARE MY WHORE, CATHERINE! AND NO ONE SAVES A WHORE!”
She just listened. She didn’t even feel angry at what he said this time. She was aware that he was just saying this to make her upset or to see her cry.
What kind of whore has only one customer? She wanted to ask him. This was more like a slave. A whore may have off days, but she didn’t. She’d been locked up around the clock.
“Did you hear me? DID YOU HEAR ME?!” He yelled at her, and she closed her eyes. She wanted to completely block him from her or block herself from him. Though she closed her eyes, she could feel that he was staring at her. It was still so difficult for her to understand this. She didn’t understand why she should be called a whore and why he would spend his time and energy for her, if she was so useless. Was this fun for him?
“LOOK AT ME!” he shouted.
She opened her eyes and looked at him quietly. His eyes were so blue and beautiful, but they had something missing. Life? Happiness? Pleasure?
Love, I should say.
This man didn’t have love. He lost his beloved Liz, and he lost their life together. Maybe when he found her, she gave him a false hope that he could go back to what he used to be, and now he realized it was impossible, so he’s showing his anger and disappointment to her.
So, he’s lonely.
It was so strange to feel this, but she suddenly realized how lonely he was—a typical sad story of a man who had everything but nothing. If she was her normal self, she would snort about it, but right this moment, she felt pity for him. She didn’t know exactly why, but she thought he was a poor thing. She could feel her heart hurting. Her eyes ached with tears. A single tear dropped from her eyes.
This is ridiculous! Stop it! She commanded herself, but her eyes didn’t listen to her. She shed more tears. She even bit her lower lip to stop it, but it didn’t work either. She started to sob uncontrollably. All the while, he was just looking at her quietly. She didn’t want him to see this, so she turned her face away from him to hide it.
Several minutes later, he stood up silently and walked out of the room. She cried more after he left the room. She didn’t want to cry but couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to understand this psycho. She didn’t want to give him any sort of satisfaction by understanding his illogical mindset. Once she understood, she couldn’t punish him. Once she understood, she couldn’t pay back what he had done to her. She covered her face with her hands and blubbered.
She didn’t know how many minutes passed, but when she opened her eyes, he was standing at the door and watching her. They didn’t talk, but looked at each other for a while. Then, he tossed some things on the floor. She moved her eyes to look at them—her passport and a wad of cash.
“Leave,” he said.
“Leave before I come back. If not, I will take it as your will to stay.”
Tom
He woke up with a splitting headache. He even found it difficult to open his eyes. He rested his head on his hand for a while in the bed. He remembered meeting Andrew in the bar, and they drank so much. He didn’t remember exactly what he had told Andrew, but he remembered the worried look on Andrew’s face.
What have I done?
He tried to remember what he did last night, but he couldn’t remember the whole thing. He remembered frames and flashes, like a short video clip—the bar, the alcohol, Andrew, the stairs. He shook his head roughly and looked around the room.
Where am I?
It wasn’t his bedroom. There was no Catherine beside him on the bed.
Catherine.
He suddenly remembered her face—her crying face. She was crying on the floor in front of him. He remembered her tears. She was crying so much. Why? Why did she cry?
“Woke up?” somebody said.
Tom squinted his eyes to look at this person. It was Andrew.
“What a night, bro. I was thinking to claim compensation on you, but you did a good job, so I forgive you,” Andrew said and put his hands on Tom’s shoulder.
“What are you talking about?” Tom asked.
“What? You don’t remember anything?”
“I remember I met you and…,” he couldn’t finish words, because he wasn’t sure it was safe to talk about Catherine to Andrew
. Andrew was his best friend, but he still needed to be careful.
“And you let her go, which was the wisest thing you did this year,” Andrew finished what Tom couldn’t.
“WHAT?” Tom asked. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
He didn’t even know how loud his voice was and kept yelling at his friend.
“Gosh, you don’t remember anything! You told me that you went back home and finally let her go!”
Oh shit….
Tom felt like somebody was hammering his head.
I let her go….
He couldn’t believe it and still couldn’t even remember doing it.
“Anyway, I called Nate and told him what you did. He promised me he wouldn’t write anything about you as long as you let her go freely.”
Nate?
Yes, he remembered Nate. He had come over and threatened him.
“I seriously want to know why you did that, but I need to leave now. I have so many meetings today, and Anne is quite upset that I stayed—”
Andrew continued to talk, but Tom wasn’t listening. All Tom was thinking about was her. He couldn’t believe he let her go. He tried to remember what happened last night. He remembered her tears. She was crying, and he tossed something to her.
The passport.
He grabbed his suit jacket and walked out of the room.
“Tom! Where are you going?” Andrew asked, following him, but he didn’t answer. He was only thinking of her.
How could I let her go like that? What the hell was I thinking?
Tom asked so many questions of himself. It was definitely a mistake. He couldn’t let her go like this. He couldn’t end everything he had with her like this. Then, how about all those nights? How was he going to sleep without bloody nightmares? He didn’t want to go back what he used to be—drinking or taking pills to get to sleep every night. Moreover, he couldn’t imagine not seeing her everyday. Even though it was an only short time of day, he could see her and feel her warmth every single day.
I need to bring her back.
He stopped walking and checked his pocket to find the cellphone, but Andrew held his arm.